DC's Creature Commandos, Season 1 Review

DC’s Creature Commandos, Season 1

So this is a bit of a weird one! With the huge news that the DCEU (or the ‘Snyderverse’) being rebooted, and the creative head of the brand-new DC Cinematic Universe (or whatever they are calling it) being James Gunn, there is a very… strange bit where they are keeping some aspects of the old continuity and junking most of it. Which leads to a bizarre sense of “oh, this is a brand-new thing, but we’re keeping some things the same”. It’s always one of the worst parts of DC comic adaptations, where there are so many independent continuities that aren’t supposed to be set in the same universe but there’s also sometimes a lot of callbacks to each other? Say what you want about the MCU, but at least they are relatively consistent in terms of not contradicting each other’s projects too much. 

So ahead of Superman, which would be released later this year, the first project in the ‘Gunnverse’ DC universe is… an R-rated animated project that runs for 7 episodes. DC’s Creature Commandos is a spiritual sequel to the 2021 Suicide Squad movie — even referencing events that happened in that movie (as well as its spinoff, the Peacemaker TV series). Some actors are reused, some characters make a reappearance, but otherwise this is allegedly the very first entry in the brand-new DC universe.

Which is weird, by the way. I’m a long-time DC fan, but I must confess that I’ve never even heard of many of the characters featured in this show. It does make it quite refreshing, in a way, even though the concept of the show is essentially a rebranded version of the 2021 Suicide Squad movie (not the 2016 one!). And if you’re going to introduce a bunch of brand-new characters to an audience, I suppose the ‘anyone can die’ format of a Suicide Squad story works relatively well. 

And… again, the concept of a black ops team comprised of shady military folk (Amanda Waller and Rick Flagg Senior make up this end) and repurposed supervillains trying to do black ops missions that technically benefit the United States of America… it’s always an interesting storyline that unfortunately was butchered by the terrible 2016 movie attempt. And given time, a Suicide Squad story would explore the humanity and the individual characterizations and backstories of each single member of the team. 

The plot is interesting enough, with our Creature Commandos initially being sent to the fictional country of Pokolistan to save Princess Ilana from a group of assassins led by the witch Circe. The first half of the mission deals with this relatively black-and-white mission, but later on the team gets fragmented over their differing loyalties to other characters when it is discovered that Princess Ilana might actually have the potential to wipe out all of civilisation in the future.

Our titular ‘Creature Commandos’ are comprised of a mixture of characters: Rick Flagg Senior takes over from Rick Flagg Junior, who died in 2021’s Suicide Squad, and as the only sane man that’s leading a bunch of lunatics, Rick is also torn between his loyalty to his country and his newfound romance with the Princess of Pokolistan. The Bride of Frankenstein is the closest thing that the show has to a main protagonist, who starts off with a devil-may-care attitude. She’s ill-mannered and keeps insisting that they are all ‘monsters’, but eventually learns to appreciate at least some of her teammates. Minor Batman antagonist Dr. Phosphorus is the team’s comedic sociopath, a radioactive skull-man who is probably the source of the show’s most brutal murders of random adversaries. G.I. Robot is a one-note robotic being who is preoccupied with one thing and one thing only, which is the killing of Nazis. “The Mermaid” Nina Mazursky is a modern-day Creature from the Black Lagoon, but is also the only one in the group that’s the most human, acting very much like a scared young woman thrust into a mission that she is clearly unprepared for. And Weasel returns from 2021’s Suicide Squad as an unintelligible beastly creature who’s there for a lot of comedic gags. 

One thing that makes this show works, however, is the fact that we have proper ‘flashback episodes’ for each and every one of these characters. With the exception of the first episode, each episode has a present-day plot and a flashback detailing the backstory of one of its characters (and secondary antagonist ‘Eric’, the Frankenstein’s Monster, gets another one) makes you really do feel about the backstories of these people… and it’s a bit of a coin toss whether someone receiving a spotlight in a flashback means that one of them is going to die or get more exploration in the story. This makes it a lot more fun to watch as we don’t have a ‘Slipknot’ problem from the 2016 movie, where it’s so obvious that the character that the movie itself doesn’t care to explore isn’t going to make it out of the first act.

Because of — and perhaps it’s precisely the function of — the obscureness of most of these characters and the utterly wanton brutality of the show, it really is hard to guess who’s going to make it out or not. Which I feel is a nice subversion to the two live-action Suicide Squad shows, where a lot of the marquee actors could be assumed to be safe. Not all the characters are created equal, but all of the flashback stories are crafted amazingly well. From the surprisingly dark and heartwrenching backstory for the mute Weasel, to the domino of effects that turned poor Dr. Sartorius into the sociopathic Dr. Phosphorus, to the sad series of circumstances that led Nina into mistakenly abandoning her family, to the exploration of the single-minded artificial intelligence that is the G.I. Robot… the flashbacks are easily the highlights of the show, really helping the idea that all of these ‘monsters’, all these creatures, are actual people with their own tragic backstories. 

I can’t decide which one I like the best, but Weasel’s surprisingly touching backstory (which even had a nice foreshadowing in the first episode and in the 2021 movie) and the brutality that broke a good man that Doctor Phosphorus once was… they’re all done very well. 

That is not to say that the present-day stories are bad, because they aren’t. The present-day material is where a majority of the tension lies, of course. But the present-day stuff do rely a lot on just a glorious amount of ridiculous animated gore that would make Invincible proud. There is a rather significant immaturity to the violence and gore that just somehow works with this brand of comedy, although I also recognise that it’s not for everyone. I did find it funny, for sure, but I am an easily entertained man. 

There are, however, a fair amount of plotlines that kind of peter out into nothing — and that’s particularly surrounding the Bride. The Bride is one of the first backstories we learn about, where we learn that in the DC universe, Victor Frankenstein existed and he did create Frankenstein’s Monster, Eric… who is best described as an entitled man-child. We get the requisite tragic backstory as the Bride is created and is immediately terrified shitless by “you are NOW MY BRIDE!” Eric. There is some questionable pseudo-parental-figure relationship as Victor Frankenstein ends up falling in love with the Bride instead, and this leads to Eric killing Victor and chasing the Bride throughout all of history. 

We actually do spend a significant amount of time following Eric Frankenstein as he gets alerted of the Bride’s appearance in society, and he begins to hunt her down. The show gets significant mileage from David Harbour’s performance as what I can only describe as an ‘entitled incel stalker’, but… but while we do get the journey throughout both the Bride and the Monster’s flashbacks, as well as the Monster’s own journey in the present day as he befriends Rick Flagg Senior… the story just abruptly and very suddenly brushed aside without much of a satisfying conclusion either way. The Monster doesn’t grow at all through his journey (which is a fair enough direction) but neither does he have a satisfying confrontation with the Bride (she just shoots him in the beginning of the final episode and leaves him for dead) and we don’t really get much in terms of him actually trying to do something good this time around. For the amount of time we spent with them, I had expected something more. And that could be content for the second season, but it also feels quite bland. 

The Bride’s focus in the present day, other than the brief reminiscing of her past, seems to be on her growing into a reluctant leadership role. Or, rather, her friendship with Nina. Both Phosphorus and Weasel are kind of tagalongs, after all. And… again, it’s pretty basic. It’s something we’ve seen many times in these kinds of superhero stories. But I also did feel like the friendship between Nina and the Bride as they bond throughout the seven episodes… and eventually, the big decision that the Bride makes at the end of the show was clearly influenced by that friendship with Nina. 

(I am being kind of coy with what happens because a good chunk of this show lives and dies depending on spoilers… and while maybe not in these next couple of weeks, I do see myself doing episodic reviews for Creature Commandos at some point down the line)

The cast is rounded up by a bunch of more familiar faces. Princess Ilana is perfectly believable as someone who could just be desperate or psychotic enough to be a threat, but can also manage to fool the audience to being sweet. Suicide Squad’s Amanda Waller and Peacemaker’s John Economos are serviceable beleaguered government agents that are trying their best to take control of the situation. Another Batman antagonist, Clayface shows up as a mostly non-speaking antagonist in an episode. Wonder Woman enemy Circe perhaps gets the biggest shaft, being reduced to essentially an act-one threat before the Creature Commandos get somewhat split down the middle… although I do find it rather funny that apparently arguments about Circe’s power levels for a brand-new continuity caused a lot of waves in the comic-book community. 

And the plot is… well, it’s simple enough to fit into seven episodes while devoting a significant amount of time to flashbacks and origin stories. It mostly relies on two or three big twists in the latter half of the show to really get going, and a good chunk of its tension relies more on which of these Z-lister characters will survive or die, and, of course, that’s right after the show makes you care for them. And in that regard, it’s rather successful. 

There is something to talk about the ‘dudebro’ comedy, whether it’s the wanton cursing or the gratuitous violence. Which, admittedly, is quite on par with some of the more violent superhero deconstruction projects like Invincible and The Boys, and even DC’s own animated Harley Quinn cartoon. I don’t find it as distracting, but part of it might simply be because these are a relatively fresh batch of characters to me and thus I don’t have a much of an attachment to specific characterizations that got ‘changed’ the way the Harley Quinn cartoon did. However, I am aware of the significant changes from the source material (particularly regarding the Frankenstein’s Monsters) and I also acknowledge that this is a sore spot for them.

But, well, at the end of the day… it’s not the best superhero comic-book adaptation. It obviously is mostly an in-name-only adaptation of the titular Creature Commandos, other than perhaps including characters from that title. But I do have to be honest that I actually found this seven-episode, devil-may-care, crass and violent adaptation to be extremely entertaining. It’s not your typical superhero fare, but the execution is flashy and catchy enough that I do have to be honest — I was very entertained by this show. 

Daredevil: Born Again S01E01 Review: The Devil's Back!

Daredevil: Born Again, Season 1, Episode 1: Heaven's Half Hour

And joy, and joy, Daredevil's back. I have been following Netflix/MCU's Daredevil since its inception, and it holds a special place in my heart as one of my favourite live-action superhero content out there -- in no small part thanks to Charlie Cox and Vincent D'Onofrio's powerful performances as Daredevil and Kingpin respectively. The conclusion, cancellation and subsequent slow, piecemeal revival of Charlie Cox's Daredevil (with Kingpin taking the greater MCU fandom by storm in Hawkeye, while Daredevil has a frankly rather embarrassing cameo in She-Hulk) and the strange limbo that the Netflix shows were in continuity-wise, and the many rewrites this movie-then-show received... it's finally here. The Netflix shows are canon, and Daredevil: Born Again is getting a full season. 

I am absolutely happy we're back. The MCU hasn't been particularly interesting to me with the exception of the little fan-favourite pleaser that is the Deadpool & Wolverine movie, and I'm quite happy to have this one. 

(As a note, while we're covering Daredevil: Born Again, episode reviews for What If and Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man will be pushed back to the following months.)

Unlike many of MCU's recent material, Daredevil: Born Again doesn't try -- at all -- to even give you the barest of recaps. Which is a surprising move and I'm not sure if it's going to cause newer viewers who jump straight into this first episode to lose interest or not. But, well, we start off with our power trio from the main series -- Matt Murdock, Karen Page and Foggy Nelson -- celebrating at Josie's. It's just really nice to see these actors and characters again, and the bar scene is a really nice sequence to essentially set up our heroes and introduce new characters to us. We've got another lawyer, Kirsten McDuffie. We've got the retiring policeman, Cherry. And the television talks about another new vigilante, the White Tiger. Pretty fun stuff, and one that almost lulls you into thinking that this first episode is going to be a slower burn as one of Foggy's clients seem to be stalked by thugs. 

Daredevil suits up -- and what a wonderful sequence to see him zipping around with his bo-staff grapple things -- and it really does feel like it's going to be a simple re-introduction with Daredevil being victorious and beating some no-name thugs. 

Except it isn't. That whole thing turns out to be a distraction, and the true target of it seems to be Foggy. In a franchise where death is either meaningless or extremely foreshadowed, Foggy gets shot in the gut almost anti-climactically, almost cruelly. The killer is the main antagonist of the final (or rather, previous) season of Daredevil, Bullseye... who then proceeded to shoot even more people. 

Daredevil races back, and we get a whole fight between the two of them -- one of those famous Netflix-MCU-popularized 'oner' shots as Daredevil and Bullseye clash and trade blows while the camera follows them up the building that Josie is in. But the fight scene feels hollow in a purposeful way. We get some flourishes like Daredevil slashing his baton against his bracers, or Bullseye's improbable ricocheting skills, but the focus of this scene is in things on the periphery of it. Bullseye's rampage explicitly targets people around him. Guests and patrons of Josie's bar (who are likely to be more of Matt's friends) or that one random guy who's just trying to get back to his apartment. 

All the while, Foggy is dying with a hole in his chest, while Karen is crying over him. Not too long ago they were just joking and making fun of Foggy's lack of game. All the while, the show makes it excruciatingly clear that Daredevil, with his superhuman senses, can hear Karen crying, can hear Foggy's heart stop pumping. 

And Foggy dies. 

I would be pissed, if it wasn't actually done well. I'm not a huge fan of the "kill off a supporting character for drama/shock value" trope, but I felt like this was done quite well to set off the events of Daredevil: Born Again. And with how the scene is shot, with how the story was built up, Daredevil grabs Bullseye... and despite his code, despite his decisive victory over Bullseye, despite the already brutal rapid-fire punches... Daredevil decides to pick Bullseye up and toss him over the side of the building. He gets back up, because that's what superpowered people do, but Matt was fully intending to murder Bullseye in grief. 

And he just sits there, letting his mask drop. The retiring cop Cherry shows up and gets surprised at the identity reveal, and Matt doesn't even care. He's broken. The opening credits roll. 

What an opening, huh? Again, while I hope we do stay away from some of the more self-indulgent gore that the Netflix shows sometimes do, this is a great opening to Daredevil: Born Again. A nice tonal showcase of what this show is going to be both to new and returning audiences alike, and... honestly, it was quite a surprising gut-punch to kill Foggy off. I'm still not 100% the biggest fan of it, in principle, but the shock value was certainly there and the execution was done well. 

We cut to "one year later", where we get a couple of nice parallel scenes of both Kingpin and Daredevil dressing themselves up. Or rather, Wilson Fisk and Matt Murdock. We check in with Fisk first, who has recovered from his stint as a villain in Hawkeye and Echo. Vanessa Fisk has been running the Kingpin's crime empire in his absence, presiding over the 'Five Families', while Wilson makes clear his plan to 'do good for the city' as mayor. 

Matt, meanwhile, has started off a new law firm with Kirsten McDuffie, trying his best to live a semblance of a normal life. The past does come back to haunt him, though, during the trial of Benjamin "Bullseye" Poindexter. Charlie Cox gives an amazing performance as Matt gives a closing statement against Bullseye, about how justice will never be served and his friend will forevermore be dead, and all that. Really powerful lines. And I also love just how broken and out of sorts Matt is when he hears with his Daredevil powers that Karen has shown up. Poindexter gets incarcerated for life in prison, and while Karen and Matt are on speaking terms, Karen is brusque -- their breakup was not handled well by either of them, and Karen seems quite disappointed that Matt has truly given up Daredevil for good, if that piece of horn is anything to go by. 

But just as Matt's life is about to go back to normal, he hears over the radio that Wilson Fisk publicly declares his candidacy for mayorhood... and his platform is to clear New York of all vigilantes. We get introduced to his campaign team, which are mostly just straight-laced people with an obvious focus on Daniel Blake, who's young and gung-ho and quite happy to push Wilson's more unconventional ideas as a platform. It also shows a bit of Wilson's growth -- or at least, restraint -- as he doesn't actually go and try to intimidate or bash people's heads in for disagreeing with him. 

As usual, the live-action makes great use of having Matt Murdock walk down the streets and listen to all the different opinions of people. And it's divided, but there are more supporters than Matt would like. I don't really care to make any commentary about actual American politics, but in-universe, it is quite interesting to see people questioning Fisk's conviction as a felon, and their desire to have some change, any kind of change, and thinking that someone like Wilson Fisk can do it. 

Speaking of Matt trying to live a normal life, he gets set up for a date by Kirsten with a therapist, Dr. Heather Glenn, for a date. It's... it's a nice little distraction, honestly, and while I tend to dislike new shoehorned love interests, I felt like this was done well, with Heather being a nice little 'muggle' character in the supporting cast for Matt to bounce off of. 

Matt tries his best to investigate Wilson Fisk, sending Cherry (who now works as P.I.) to investigate Wilson Fisk, but everything Fisk did to make this campaign work has been completely legitimate. And I think it would be too easy for Matt if Fisk was actually founding his mayoral campaign with a sinister, ulterior motive. We don't actually see much of Fisk's campaigning, but what little we see is a charismatic man ruthlessly crushing his opposition with debate. Vincent D'Onofrio himself is, as I keep mentioning in these reviews, an imposing presence, and he sells these scenes. 

And in perhaps one of the best scenes in this episode, Matt walks up and meets with Wilson Fisk. They have a breakfast in a diner -- two enemies who know each other inside and out. And it's amazingly acted, with the two men being cautious of each other, but also seemingly being open-minded. I also like the brief moments where Wilson's inner rage seems to bubble up -- while he's good at regulating himself against a worthy opponent like Matt (when he brings up Echo, for example) a flash of the old skull-bashing Fisk shows up when a random Fisk-supporter interrupts their super-serious conversation. But he doesn't follow through with it. 

Fisk notes that he's kept his word and that he had nothing to do with the Bullseye or Foggy thing. And that he is simply trying to give New York a better future. Matt, meanwhile, tells Fisk that he stopped being Daredevil because he 'lost that privilege' when he crossed the line by fully intending to kill Bullseye. The two leave each other with an understanding -- "step out of line, and I'll stop you". It's subdued, it's very well-acted, and my rather scattershot recap is not doing it any favours, but it's really awesome -- with Wilson promising to rid the city of all vigilantes and Matt promising to hold Fisk to not using this as a criminal platform. 

Ultimately, the episode ends, of course, with Wilson Fisk being successfully elected as mayor -- something that stuns Matt and essentially brings his date with Glenn Heather to a screeching halt. And I really like the closing shots as Matt and Fisk look up at each other -- Fisk looming down from the side of a rooftop, while Matt, doused in red light, looks up at him. Mayor Kingpin is a thing, and boom, what a start to the season. 

There are also a bunch of other stuff I didn't mention -- Fisk apparently knows of Vanessa having a lover (which, considering Wilson's possessive nature, we'll see how that works); Ben Urich's niece BB Urich going around being a reporter, and whatever is going on with the guy that Foggy stashed in his apartment that fateful night. The 'crime noir' world is back. The Kingpin is back. Daredevil is back. And I'm all for it!

Marvel Easter Eggs Corner:

• Born Again is the title of a 1986 Daredevil comic run written by Frank Miller, which explored what makes Matt Murdock who he is when everything is seemingly taken away from him. It is widely considered to be one of the most definitive Daredevil and 'down-to-earth vigilante superhero' stories. 
• White Tiger, a.k.a. Hector Ayala, was one of the main characters of Deadly Hands of Kung-Fu. He was a student who happened upon a mystical tiger amulet from an organization called the Sons of the Tiger, which caused him to gain superhuman capabilities. He would fight against many of New York's seedy underbelly alongside other New York based vigilantes. 
• In addition to the events of the first three Daredevil shows being recognized in one way or another, Foggy mentions his tenure at Hogarth & Associates (in Jessica Jones), the Tracksuits' show up in Vanessa's little mafia gathering (Kingpin's connection to them established in Hawkeye), and the discussion between Matt and Fisk has them discuss Fisk's dynamic with Echo in the final episode of Hawkeye and the Echo TV series. 
• Since the conclusion of the Netflix series, Daredevil made a cameo in Spider-Man: No Way Home; a one-episode guest appearance in She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, and a cameo appearance in a flashback sequence of Echo. Kingpin has featured as the surprise final villain in Hawkeye, and as the primary antagonist of Echo.
• While never specifically referred to as 'Bullseye' still, our first establishing shot of him has the crosshair of his sniper rifle (which is his comic-book costume's logo) emphasized by the camera. He also uses a paperclip to nail a fly to the wall, which is a reference to the 2003 Daredevil movie. 
• This is not the first time, even in MCU continuity, that Daredevil has seen a close friend killed on the rooftop, with the same thing happening to Elektra in season 2 of Daredevil. 
• Bullseye's middle name is 'Leonard', which is a reference to one of Bullseye's fake aliases in the comics, Leonard McClain.

Reviewing Monsters: Elden Ring, Part 9

So yeah, I progressed a fair bit into the Raya Lucaria Academy at last, and... the place's a bit less of a maze than Stormveil Castle, I think, but that also means that a lot of the side-paths are not quite as obvious. I also have a bit more trouble with the enemies thanks to the magic resistance, though having since converted to a hybrid build does help to make me less dependent on the amount of FP potions I bring with me. 

After enough item drops and meeting the right NPCs, I've also slowly gotten a bit more clearer on what's going on in Raya Lucaria, and it's surprisingly a bit more human politics instead of a 'big angry evil demigod takes over a realm' the way Limgrave was set up. We'll probably discuss more about it when I reach the boss of Raya Lucaria, Renalla, but it is kind of interesting that we're basically combining 'court politics' plotline with a 'mages are mad scientists in fantasy' plotlines together. 

Again, as far as I get it, Liurnia of the Lakes is a location originally ruled by the Carian royal family -- whose sorcery-wielding knights was one of the few forces that provided a foe against the Golden Order (which is the 'royal family' of all the other demigods, plus the main religion of the setting) during their attempt to unify the Lands Between way before the Shattering. The head of the royal family, the mortal witch Rennala, led the Carian Knights and the Academy of Raya Lucaria and managed to hold her own against the Golden Order. At some point, one of the warriors of the Golden Order, Radagon (who was a demigod?) managed to broker a peace between the two kingdoms, and he eventually married Rennala. 

Peace reigned in the Lands Between... until at some point (which our friend the Turtle Pope noted was strange) Radagon ended up leaving Rennala, and became the second consort of Queen Marika, matriarch of the Golden Order. Thus Radagon became an (the?) Elden Lord, while Rennala was left to manage her heartbreak and her broken territory. With Radagon gone, the Academy revolted and this led to a civil war between the Carian Knights and the Academy -- the ghosts of whom still fight in some parts of Liurnia. 

And after the events of the Shattering, where some of Rennala's demigod children fought and killed each other and the realms crumbled, Rennala ended up being driven insane. Somehow, she was 'locked up' by the sorcerers of Academy of Raya Lucaria. She has Radagon's Elden Ring shard, however, which is why our Tarnished is off to fight her her. 

There are a fair bunch more details here and there, and I'm not the most well-versed in the longer lore, but finding Miriel the Turtle Pope Pastor of Vows did give me a much-needed info-dump about the region's main characters. 

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Fingercreeper

Fingercreepers are not found in Raya Lucaria Academy, but there's a bunch of them in the 'sister' dungeon, the Carian Manor... and what the fuck are these? I mean, giant hands have been enemies since The Legend of Zelda was a thing. And this is also a game where fingers and rings are a major theme, so I suppose a giant hand enemy was inevitable... 

I just didn't expect them to look so creepy! They move and scuttle like the most disturbing spiders out there, only unlike spiders you don't even see a head, just a mass of fleshy fingers moving and trying to flick or grab or claw at you. That's nasty in and of itself, and especially since the Fingercreepers consistently have more, much more than five fingers. They also range in size, with the weaker ones being a bit smaller than the dogs, and the regular ones being big enough to comfortably hold our Tarnished like a doll. 

In addition to essentially being this setting's equivalent to spiders, Fingercreepers also hunt like them, skulking and clinging onto the foggy ruins and trees like and honestly blending in rather well to the terrain despite being, y'know, big giant honking hands. They also hide underneath stuff, kind of like a trapdoor spider or something, before bursting out and surprising you with a grab attack. I'm not sure if there is a proper explanation to why these things exist beyond 'magic' and 'finger magic'. I'm also not sure if they're the remnants of the near-defeated Carian forces, or if they are the ones that wiped them out? 

Rather interestingly, some of them have a bunch of giant rings on the middlemost finger. The Fingercreepers with these rings can cast magic, which... fair enough. Except that they do this by raising up that finger. So in addition to being jumpscared and chased around by a giant disembodied giant hand of doom, it's also flipping you off as it shoots magic balls at you. What a dick! 

Lazuli Sorcerer

I talked about the Raya Lucarian Sorcerers before, and... after discovering some items, apparently the Academy's sorcerers are divided into three different 'Conspectuses', which are essentially like Harry Potter houses, but with giant statue-helms instead of coloured scarves. As enemies, the sorcerers from different Conspectuses are essentially the same, but there are some neat lore discussion in the item descriptions about where they draw their powers from. The moon, the stars, et cetera.

Far more interesting is that these Raya Lucarian 'Crowns' have rather interesting effects, where they increase the Intelligence stats of the user... at the cost of other different stats, like HP or Stamina, which is a very nice little gameplay-and-story integration and totally the kind of wacky shit that these crazy sorcerers would get up to. 

The Lazuli Sorcerer is a rather unique enemy that's a bit different from their regular comrades, with a notably different crown, white robes instead of blue, and they actually fight you with a sword and shield. They also fight us with sorceries associated with Carian Knights (which tend to be more about creating magic swrods and shields to fight with), which does make them feel like rather strange outcasts. They're actually described as 'heretics' by some item descriptions, though apparently not heretical enough not to be chased out of the Academy. 

I do like the idea and commitment into making them fit with the rest of the Raya Lucaria academy theme; it could've been so easy to import some random knights to serve as this area's hand-to-hand combatants, but having them be specialized mages is a cute little touch. 

Avionette Soldier
Oh, these are interesting! I technically met these guys a bit earlier, but they're a variation of the Marionette enemies we've met in earlier areas.  While the Marionettes in the academy are at this point not that troublesome to take down (it's only a problem if they ambush you by dropping down from ceilings), the Avionettes are a bit more troublesome because they can fly around and their weapons cause the Bleed effect. 

I love the whimsy of this thing's design, by the way, which isn't super evident when you're trying to roll around and dodge their wicked-long sickle-spears, by the way. They have these wacky Leonardo-da-Vinci drawing glider wings, but instead of sprouting out of their back like an angel or something, two of the Marionette's arms are actually holding on to the wings, flapping them vigorously while the other pair of arms hold the weaponry. 

In addition to the aforementioned spear-scythe things, Avionettes can also wield swords or throw firepots... but much more fun is that like the Marionette, they can malfunction if you damage them enough, causing them to spin around wildly. Which, just like the out-of-control Marionette, is also pretty devastating if you get caught up in the wild damage strikes. 

High Page

Speaking of non-mage enemies, there are some guys that aren't sorcerers, zombies, or magically-created creatures... like this High Page here. Pages in history are basically attendants to knights or nobles, essentially an internship before they become squires. This High Page enemy is a bit stronger than just a knight attendant, though, and actually stands guarding a corridor that leads to a nice item, making him almost a miniboss. A unique enemy at the very least... there are apparently regular Pages that are not high (hee hee) but due to how I'm playing this game and doing these reviews, I met this guy first.

He sure is a guy. He's got a multi-shot crossbow that shoots three arrows. Eh!

Crystal Crab

There are, for some reason, a lot of crabs in the main courtyard of Raya Lucaria, but hidden throughout the academy are these crystal-encrusted crabs. Or are those Glintstone? These crabs are special in that they are the only ones that will drop the Crowns of the different Raya Lucarian sorcerer conspectuses, since the regular sorcerers won't ever drop them. I'm not sure if there's any real significance to it, or if it's just a gameplay thing. Do the sorcerers use these crystal crabs to make the Crowns, or are these crabs cursed/transformed sorcerers? 

Abductor Virgin

I thought this guy was a mini-boss. She isn't! She respawns, and apparently there will be a lot more of her in a subsequent area. The Abductor Virgin (or Iron Virgin) has been showing up in loadscreens, so I know what it looks like before she shows up. But seeing this in motion is pretty damn cool. The idea here is not super-novel for a fantasy enemy... she's basically a more human-shaped version of a iron maiden torture device, because that 'skirt' opens up to reveal a whole mass of nasty stuff that will stab and pierce you if the Abductor Virgin traps you. 

But the Abductor Virgin also moves around on that little rolling ball -- surprisingly silently for something you'd think would clatter a lot. And she's got two giant guillotine pendulum swords on chains that she swings around like she's goddamn Ghost Rider or something. It's cool and terrifying at the same time. But maybe the thing that adds the most creepy factor isn't the over-the-top Berserk torture implements, but the fact that the 'face' of the Abductor Virgin is a serene porcelain sculpture of  maiden... with two hands sculpted cradling a baby. It's this juxtaposition of what is otherwise a calm (if melancholic) visage on the torso and head... and rusty pain-murder blades and chains below.  

The skirt part of the Abductor Virgin can open, unleashing a fog of red mists and tentacles that burst out to drag you in for a 'grab' attack. It's hard to see when you're frantically dodging around, but closer inspection on screenshots show that those tendrils are actually made up of snakes... specifically, three snakes coiling up into 'arms', and each snake head forms a 'finger'. The Abductor Virgin's main body is actually also wrapped up in snake sculptures. As if spikes aren't spooky enough! Incidentally, this open innards is the weak spot, so the most efficient way to fight these Abductor Virgins is to actually bait them into doing their most powerful attack, which might backfire spectacularly. 

Some Abductor Virgins, as their name implies, will actually teleport (or I guess transport) you to the Volcano Manor north of Liurnia if you are defeated by this grab attack. The reason for this will presumably be made a bit more clear once I explore the Volcano Manor, but I do know that the demigod there is snake-themed, and it's a nice little preview of the next area. 

I do like this, by the way, that some of the enemies are tied to certain 'factions' and are sending their troops to kind of prod into other territories. Like the Academy's Marionettes skulking around in Caelid and some parts of Limgrave; or the Abductor Virgins and Fire Monks coming down from the Volcano Manor down to Liurnia... only Godrick's goons, it seems, are too weak to really do anything.

Between the Abductor Virgin and the Fingercreepers, I think this review contains two of the more 'iconic' enemies I've seen so far. 

Red Wolf of Radagon

This guy is the first miniboss of the Academy of Raya Lucaria Academy, hanging out in the Grand Library at around the halfway point of the dungeon. It sure is a big, mangy red wolf... with the ability to cast spells. Which takes the form of glintstone swords shooting at you, but also -- in a sequence that reminds me of Zacian from Pokemon -- summon a giant red magic sword to attack you. From the name, the wolf probably belonged to Radagon, who is Rennala's ex. Not... not really a whole ton to say here, he sure is a big giant magic-slinging doggo! He's a good dog. Who's a good dog? Yes you are. 

The boss fight is rather annoying not because the Red Wolf is particularly hard. Yes, he hits hard and is likely to OHKO your character, but that's par the course for a dungeon miniboss. No, the most annoying thing is that I have to run through several corridors filled with sorcerers from the Site of Grace to reach the Red Wolf. 

(There is a thematic reason to this; normally you respawn at Sites of Grace or Marika Stakes, but since Marika kind of stole Rennala's husband, there are no Marika Stakes in the entirety of the Academy. It makes sense in a lore standpoint, but is very irritating in a gameplay standpoint). 

Moongrum, the Carian Knight

Another miniboss that rather oddly is placed right before Rennala, is the Carian Knight called Moongrum. He sure is a knight! I do like that he actually alternates between weapons, going from sword to staff and even is able to use a potion to heal himself back up. There is a hilarious way to cheese the fight by getting Moongrum to chase you to a Indiana Jones style rolling boulder trap (which I did to kill him, before being killed by the giant boulder myself). But other than that... he sure is a knight? He feels so mundane placed here in-between the magic wolf and the queen-witch sorceress. 

Juvenile Scholar

Ah, finally. The Juvenile Scholars aren't exactly actual enemies, but they are essentially the 'adds' in Rennala's first phase of boss fight, where you fight her in a central chamber. The Juvenile Scholars swarm around you while chanting a creepy nursery hymn, holding candlesticks and casting rudimentary spells at you. 

It's also not clear from this screenshot (and I can't find a good screenshot of them from the side), but the Juvenile Scholars don't appear to have legs, crawling around with slug-like lower bodies. Which wouldn't be too creepy if their expressions aren't so serene and empty, all the while they chant creepy nursery rhymes and treat Rennala like their mother. 

Apparently, the Juvenile Scholars are all the younger students in the Academy who have been constantly killed and reborn by Rennala's Amber Egg, which have broken their minds so much that they treat death as something that's as harmful as a catnap, and their minds are regressed to curious toddlers. Curious, firebreathing toddlers.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon

"Hush, little culver. I'll soon birth thee anew, a sweeting fresh and pure…"

And who is this Queen of the Full Moon, Witch of the Carian Royal Family, the only non-demigod to be a Shardbearer? Who is Rennala, who's been spending time killing and rebirthing these poor scholars into subservient slug-toddlers? She's... she's not all there, actually. All the emotional trauma and confusion that she's been through has her basically lock herself up in this room, nursing her 'Amber Egg' and doing all sorts of rebirthing for these little Juvenile Scholars. Unlike Godrick or any of the other character bosses, Rennala doesn't even seem to be aware that you're around, just floating around in her bubble and casting large area-of-effect spells while her Juvenile Scholars swarm over you. You need to hunt down the Scholar that's casting the spell on Rennala and quickly wail on her when the shield-bubble pops. 

Other than the hectic pace of the fight, again, there's not much that's super special about it if we're just trying to describe it. But a combination of the badass music, the library setting and the creepy children-chanting and Rennala's voice rambling about 'being reborn' over and over just sounding so otherworldly and confused makes this fight against 'just some lady' to actually be kind of cool. 

In the second phase, Rennala does some Tsukuyomi stuff and teleports you to a picturesque realm with a giant moon and a lake, but she still kind of treats you kind of like... a pest instead of an actual enemy? She does cast spells, but does so with such little care. She's also able to summon a bunch of ghostly minions, ranging from wolves to trolls to that one weird bloodhound knight to a freaking dragon. Again, the game keeps wanting us to remember that despite being placed right up there with other demigods, Rennala is still technically 'just' a really super-powerful mortal that's super-gifted in magic.

Again, there's really not much for me to say here without just going too much in-depth into discussing her mechanics, but as we find out, Phase 2 Rennala isn't even Rennala herself -- she's just so absent-minded, and it's one of her children Ranni (who we've met previously in Limgrave as a questionable ally) that's casting an illusion that gives us an impression of how powerful the Queen-Witch was at her full power. 

At the end of the day, I do find the concept of Rennala to be rather interesting. She's just so broken and non-malicious, and she's arguably not even really that dangerous (other than to those Juvenile Scholars, whose minds are as broken as her). She's just locked up in her attic, and we don't even really kill her, just beat her up enough (and it's arguable if we even did) until she does the mentally-checked-out equivalent of a shrug and gives us the Elden Ring shard.

I like her because she's different, and she's a very neat video game boss mechanics and visual-wise. Not much of a 'monster' for the purposes of this review, though!

One Piece 1142 Review: Phobia

One Piece, Chapter 1142: The Things I Find Scary

So, conflict! We finally have conflict! A giant snake with a hideously bulbous head attacks the school, and the kids are running around in fear. We get to check in with the teachers who are yelling at each other -- we've seen Ange the librarian in previous chapters, but this is the first time we get to see the mathematics teacher Breid and the principal Kiba. Kiba has giant walrus tusks, and my assumption is that he's either eaten the walrus devil fruit or he's half-Mink. 

Kiba turns out to be a badass and we learn later that he's an ex-Giant-Pirates crew member, charging in with a giant hammer and bashing the snake in the head before he gets to swallow one of the students. I really like that Kiba's hammer is a carpenter's hammer instead of a war-hammer, since it's got those claws to pull out nails with... but the hammer claw is also a visual nod to the fact that Kiba is a walrus. Then Saul swoops in to finish off Jormungandr by jumping down from a tree branch, Haki-ing up his fist, and unleashing an attack called "Final Exorcism". As usual in One Piece, the attack is a pun, and this time it's a pun on 'final exam'. I like this -- Saul is established to be an ex-Vice-Captain, and while Vice Captains hasn't really had the best showcase in recent chapters, it's cool to show off that Saul can do more than just read books and laugh. 

Robin and Chopper pop up from Saul's beard, and Chopper goes straight to trying to deal with the highly wounded Mr. Wolf, the P.E. teacher who was mauled by the giant snake. Wolf asks Saul to help look for the other children, because there's a group of them that just walked off, as if hypnotized. While this is going on, a very notable, if short, scene is of a small giant child asking Robin if she is friends with Luffy... and then backing away with a deadpan smile on his face. It seems like Luffy's little interaction with Colon and his more violent methods of 'play time' has traumatized the kids a bit!

Saul and company see the kids sleepwalking away on the beach, a sight that reminds me of the tale of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. We get to see them being directed by a big cartoon arrow, which means that Gunko is most certainly involved in this particular sequence. And the kids that were just rescued are also starting to pass out one by one... just as giant, shadowy monsters explode from the jungle. Monsters that are giant to the already-large giants, which means they're truly titanic in size. 

We cut back briefly to see the Realm of the Dead, where Loki threatens the others around him to unleash his last shackle. He bashes the side of the World Tree with his hammer Ragnir, which summons a bolt of lightning from the high heavens that sets the tree on fire. Yep, last week's declaration that fire and lightning are the two weaknesses of the World Tree is quite true! Loki does seem to be doing the card-carrying villain thing, and while I am starting to be invested in this mystery of where on the morality axis Loki ends up being at. 

We cut back again to the Walrus school, where the librarian Ange tells the other teachers of how she recognizes the giant monsters... and turns out that in her class, she was talking to the kids and asking them what their greatest fears are. And the monsters are representations of their greatest fears! Monsters like Jormungandr, Nidhogg and Fenrir, even facsimiles of Loki and Nika, are drawn and doodled by the kids. And since it is the God's Knights' powers that are affecting the kids' sleep-walking, it is also somewhat obvious that the giant monsters are also created by their powers. 

Two interesting things are mentioned in this discussion. The first being that Sun God Nika is listed among the things that these kids fear, albeit in the context that Nika is going to destroy the world. Combined with the kid that is afraid of Luffy, I do find it a neat tie-in to the themes of Luffy's reputation among the giants. And in a much lighter tone, one of the kids list 'my mom' as the things he fears the most. 

And as we get a badass double-page spread of the giant demonic monsters marching towards Elbaf, we get to see these monsters. Giant beasts, evil gods, ghosts, skeletons, dragons... the kid's mom on the far left of the art... and a cute big bear with a helmet. Aw! 

We close the chapter with a check-in with the God's Knights. Killingham dozes off as he mumbles about having 'done it', which confirms that it's his power that's causing all the kids to fall asleep and the monsters to rise up. Summers laughs and asks Gunko what her greatest fear is. Gunko's answer? "Nika". Very interesting answer!

So yeah, whether it's on the giant rampaging monsters front or in the Loki front, we're getting a lot of action! I like this. It's a fun chapter, and while the giant monster stuff is fun, I am looking the most forward to the Loki stuff. 

Random Notes:

• Oni Inari Shrine Child Yamato Cover Story: Yamato swoops in to bash Who's Who with one shot of Raimei Hakkei. As everyone expected. Oh, Who's Who has Yasuie's sword! I did not notice that in the previous chapters. 
• Quick Norse mythology primer for all the names! Jormungandr is a gigantic serpent, second of Loki's monstrous children, that is large enough to wrap itself around the world. Fenrir is a giant wolf, and the third of Loki's mysterious children, and a powerful beast savage enough to fight the gods. Nidhogg is a dragon that gnaws on the roots of the World Tree Yggdrasil. Draugr are undead revenants.
• Aegir, the giant child about to be eaten by Jormungandr, is named after the Nordic god (or personification) of the sea. 
• The giant horn that they use to warn people is clearly based on the Gjallarhorn from Nordic myths, the horn that the watchman of the gods Heimdall would blow to herald the start of Ragnarok. 
• Did Kiba retire from piracy because he ate a devil fruit? That's assuming he actually did eat a devil fruit. 
• If Killingham's powers specifically don't draw from their greatest fear and is more along the lines of 'what did you think of last' or whatever, it is mighty convenient that Ange did a class all about fear a couple of hours before. 
  
• To my knowledge, Kirins don't actually have dream or hypnosis or fear related powers. 
• Shamrock is absent in the group shots of the God's Knights, so has he actually gone off back to Marie Geoise off-screen?
• I love that Summers is just making use of the chair he transported to lounge like a villain and do a mwahahaha pose. 

What If S03E05 Review: Future Imperfect

What If, Season 3, Episode 5: What If... The Emergence Destroyed the Earth?

This is a very strange 'What If' title. When I first saw the title, I thought that we were going to get a nice, proper follow-up to a bad future featuring the Eternals. It makes sense, right? We've gotten some Eternals content earlier in this season of What If, and having a 'villains win' sequence for the events of the Eternals movie while also having the Eternals interact with the greater Marvel universe as a whole -- even in the annals of the multiverse -- seemed to be an interesting enough concept to take! Except... it's nothing of the sort. The emergence of the slumbering Celestial within Earth has barely anything to do with the plot, and none of the Eternals actually show up. So there's a bit of a confusing branding going on here.

That said, the concept of this universe and what we got out of it is actually... not bad! It's a rather typical post-apocalyptic universe, and between the 'Age of Ultron' and 'Marvel Zombies' ones we've already gotten, it's not exactly our first rodeo in such a concept. The Earth is shattered and people are living in the physics-defying shattered chunks of the Earth and struggling to survive.

We get a smattering of random minor characters in a world ruled by... by Mysterio, and having a Spider-Man villain be the primary antagonist here is definitely a huge, surprising but extremely welcome aspect of this world. Mysterio has taken over the nanotech technology of Stark Industries, and between his primary enforcer -- White Vision from WandaVision -- and a literal army of technological Ultron-style drones, Mysterio has became the unlikely ruler of this corner of the multiverse.

And our heroine for this episode? Riri "Ironheart" Williams, who has so far only shown up as a supporting character in Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. I'm not sure why they seem so allergic to calling her by superhero moniker, because I don't think anyone's called her 'Ironheart' at all in this episode at all. But she's just kind of struggling in this world where Mysterio's agents are everywhere. There's some fun Cyberpunk-noir style seuqence in the beginning when Riri meets with Sharon Carter/Power Broker, only for it to be revealed as a Mysterio drone with a hologram. 

She survives the ambush and gets recruited into the 'alliance', consisting of a bunch of random characters -- Wong, Valkyrie, and the character that would be her mentor, Ying Nan from Shang-Chi. But Riri is bitter and pessimistic, and while the Alliance does give her the chance to do something against Mysterio's brutal reign, Mysterio sends in his enforcer, White Vision, to take out the alliance. Who, by the way, are based on a giant floating ship, which is just the right kind of comic-book silliness I appreciate.

Admittedly, this smattering of characters aren't the most interesting ones the MCU has to offer. Ying Nan plays the nice guiding mentor quite well, but Valkyrie and Wong really barely do anything. The episode does give the impression that the Watcher's narration is what's important here, as he is a bit more yappier than your average What If episode and we get to see him highlight how in all variations of this particular timeline, Riri Williams always fails. 

Around the halfway point of the episode, Ironheart and her allies defeat White Vision, and she's able to reverse-engineer a suit out of the Vision nanotech. Not my favourite design in the show, but it does allow her to see through Mysterio's illusions and lets her fly around in a version of the Iron Man/Ironheart armour. This leads to the Alliance having the advantage and pressing on towards victory... until, of course, it all turns out to be a trap. Mysterio lets Riri hack into his technology only as far as it makes her think she has an advantage over him. 

Old Man Mysterio himself is also pretty fun as an antagonist. Driven insane and into a control-freak by being constantly plugged into his nanomachines, this is a character that's driven to the brink compared to his more suave portrayal in Spider-Man: Far From Home. And just like the canon Mysterio, this Mysterio is also willing to gamble with his own life as one big last 'fuck you' to the heroes. Mysterio knows he's about to die soon, that there are limits to his life, but he's going to make sure he fucks over the Alliance before he shuffles off the mortal coil. Later on, though, he realizes that Riri's tinkering with White Vision allows him the ability to perhaps cheat death and transfer his consciousness into the White Vision body after all. 

We also get a rather brutal sequence where Ironheart's resistance against Mysterio is revealed to be futile. At one point Mysterio dispels the illusion of his secret underground base, showing that Wong, Valkyrie and Ying Nan have been brutally killed. This breaks Riri enough, and Mysterio begins to drain the Vision nanotech from her body. 

And at this point, the Watcher, who has been talking and monologuing to himself and the audience that Riri Williams' fight is hopeless despite her heroism and noble soul... decides to interfere. It's nothing quite as grandiose as cosmic intervention, but he gives some words of encouragement. This gets Ironheart the one Shonen Anime style push to dig her heels in, scream louder and rip off the nanotech away from Mysterio.

...and as the otherwise rather simple 'bad future' plot is wrapped up with the heroine having defeated the villain, Uatu the Watcher smiles in contentment... and we cut away to other Watchers getting pissed off that the Watcher has once again broken his vow. An interesting setup to the season finale, and giving Uatu some character storyline throughout the season as a way to cap off the series is, on paper, a pretty good thing to do. 

Overall, I did honestly find both Ironheart and Mysterio in this episode to be quite... flat. They are executed competently, but Riri's very morose and Mysterio's a very hammy card-carrying-villain. That works for the story that they're telling, though, so I can't really complain all that much. I guess I almost wished that they used some more recognizable characters for the resistance, which would hit a bit harder than these C-listers? 

Anyway, it's not the most memorable What If episodes, but I can't fault them for it. It's very competently done. 

Marvel Easter Eggs Corner:

• The Emergence is the final result that the Eternals were trying to prevent, with Tiamut rising and destroying Earth in its wake. 
  
• This episode isn't exactly based on any real comic book storyline, although I'm sure there's been a lot of 'bad future' storylines throughout the various Marvel universes.
• Out of the live-action actors, we've got Dominique Thorne (Ironheart), Tessa Thompson (Valkyrie) and Emily VanCamp (Sharon Carter)... and that's it.
• Alenjandro Saab takes over from Jake Gyllenhall as Mysterio; Michelle Wong takes over from Michelle Yeoh as Ying Nan; Kenna Ramsey takes over from Danai Gurira as Okoye; and David Chen takes over from Benedict Wong as Wong. Notable because Gurira and Wong have both returned a lot in previous seasons of What If. 
• While not speaking, Bruck Rumlow (Crossbones) has a cameo as a member of the alliance, although this is also the result of them reusing a scene from What If season 2 where Rumlow's crew were preparing to attack the Hydra Stomper.
• The idea of Mysterio using his illusions to manipulate a hero into killing her allies is the plot that kickstarted the bad future of the iconic "Old Man Logan" miniseries. While the episode keeps it ambiguous if it's Riri who kills her allies, or if it's just Mysterio's cannons, the effect of Mysterio making an illusion disappear to show dead bodies is similar. 

Reviewing Magic: The Gathering #3: Arabian Nights & Antiquities

So the very first expansion of Magic: The Gathering is 'Arabian Nights', which is an expansion based around... well, a real-world piece of literature, the iconic 1001 Arabian Nights. This was before they had much of an idea on how big or how impactful expansions could be, and I believe the original idea was that it was even going to get changed from "Magic: The Gathering" to "Magic: Arabian Nights" and so on. Of course, in terms of marketing and tournament play and everything surrounding it, things didn't quite work out and Arabian Nights ended up being just another expansion... and one that was extremely experimental.  

It's just super weird nowadays to talk about Arabian Nights, and it's kind of been shuffled away quietly by the designers. There had been some retcons that this expansion, in-universe, took place in the Plane of Rabiah, but that's about it -- Rabiah was excluded from the relatively recent Phyrexian multiversal invasion, the only 'main set' (i.e. not from a video game, comic or novel) to be excluded so. And personally, I've always found Arabian Nights to not be the most cohesive set in terms of flavour and there was a fair amount of unfortunate design choices that were perhaps fair for its day, but would be a huge no-no now. And as such, I will breeze through Arabian Nights quite rapidly. 

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The second expansion is Antiquities, which is the first set to 'truly' be set with an overarching storyline in mind. A lot of the backstory for the Dominaria stories begin in Antiquities. One of the mistake I made with the old monster reviews was trying to tell too much of the stories which made me exhausted when I go to the cards, and there are a lot of better youtube videos and Wiki articles that explain things better and with pictures and novel excerpts. 

But the gist of things is that in the plane of Dominaria, two powerful Planeswalker brothers called Urza and Mishra (who were name-dropped all the way back in the base set) waged a war with the powerful magical artifacts they found in a conflict called the Brothers' War, lasting for years. Two particularly powerful artifacts, the Powerstone and the Weakstone, accidentally summoned the extraplanar horrors called the Phyrexians, leading to an escalation in battle until Urza unleashed a mighty blast from another artifact, the Golgothian Stylex, that essentially acted as a nuke, apparently wiping out Mishra and the Phyrexians. This also set up the events of the next set.

The actual events that took place would be fleshed out a lot in future expansions that acted as prequel and sequels to this story, but that bare-bones background would be the primary background for Antiquities.

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As a bit of a bookkeeping thing, the original forms of these reviews written circa 2019-2021 lumped a lot of the smaller expansions together in a single article. One of the main goals of this rewrite is also for me to 'unstick' all of the 'two expansions in one article'... but these two will remain stuck together because I don't have much to say about Arabian Nights in general before I start actually talking about real mythology and Antiquities is mostly artifacts, which doesn't give me much to talk about in these 'reviewing monsters' mentality. 

• Click here for the previous part.
• Click here for the next part.
• Click here for the index.

[originally published as 'Arabian Nights & Antiquities' in June 2019; rewritten in October/November 2024]

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ARABIAN NIGHTS:

As usual, we'll start off with creatures, though I will not be as exhaustive as I was with Alpha. Aladdin and Ali Baba are two of the most famous characters from the 1001 Nights, and... they sure are represented here! In a nice bit of acknowledging the literary origins, Aladdin is even drawn as a Chinese man with Chinese garb, reflecting how it wasn't actually part of the 1001 Nights collection and was added by Chinese merchants. 

In this set, the term 'Legendary Creature' (or just 'Legend' in older sets) haven't actually been invented, which creates a bit of an anomaly where Aladdin and Ali Baba are meant to represent actual characters instead of a type of creature like a Sengir Vampire or a Grey Ogre. This led to the hilarious implication that two Planeswalker fighting each other can summon four dudes, all of whom are named Aladdin, and all of them come from Rabiah... which the lore of MTG handwaved aside with noting that the plane of Rabiah was replicated a thousand times during one of the events, leading to 1001 identical copies of every single thing in Rabiah. Okay, at least they committed to that theme. 

I like the flavour of Rukh Egg here, where it's a 0/3 creature that, once destroyed, the egg hatches and a 4/4 flying Rukh comes into play. This is another 'token creature' generator! 'Rukh' is the original Arabian spelling for what would be more commonly translated in English as 'Roc'. I like the artwork, too, of the slumbering, quasi-embryonic Rukh nestled within its egg. 

Ydwen Efreet is one of the many genies/djinns in this set, because you need to have some genies in a 1001 Nights expansion. That's fair enough, though Efreet is still retained as a separate type to flavour more 'evil' djinns, which is true to their mythological basis. It's represented here by Ydwen Efreet of having a literal coin's flip chance of refusing to block, making it a bit of a liability. 

All this inclusion of Efreets and Djinns and Marids are nice and good... until you realize that a lot of the descriptors were anagrams of the designers' friends that 'sounded Arabic enough'. Ydwen, for example, is an anagram of 'Wendy'. I don't have the energy to go through every single one, but something that probably sounded like a funny in-joke back in the day isn't quite so funny now. 

Bird Maiden seems quite happy to be around! I like her very colourful set of wings and tail, which explode behind her as a hang-glider. Her outfit is also quite colourful, which I really appreciate. I believe the story she is referencing is specifically about Hassan of Basra, which has the protagonist fall in love with a shapeshifting bird that can take the form of a beautiful woman. 

We're going to get a couple of 'just an animal' in these early sets, but I do like the artwork on Kird Ape here, particularly the beady, glowing eyes. It's also an early card that rewards playing a multi-coloured deck, and it makes somewhat sense -- it's an ape, so it's aggressive like Red creatures tend to be, but it lives in the jungle and gains bonuses from Forests.

Black gets a lot of the 'evil' monsters, with a couple extra ghouls and sorceresses after the break. These two are probably my favourite, with Juzam Djinn being a massive, horned green-skinned demon holding a little human with his fingers. 'Juzam' is an actual attempt at using Arabic terms here, with juzaam being a term for leprosy... even though the wiki and other official sources claim it's 'evil'. Not quite, but at least it was an effort.

I like the artwork for Junun Efreet, which looks pretty stylied with his weird mutant-horse face, and his hair and fists being lit on fire. Reminds you of a JoJo Stand in a way, yes? The Arabic word junuun means 'madness'. Both the Junun Efreet and Juzam Djinn are examples of 'price of power' flavouring, with the Djinn dealing damage to the summoner every turn, while the Efreet demands a price just to maintain it on the field. 

Guardian Beasts is a pretty cool artwork, with two glowing eyes of a massive, four-armed muscular creature lurking in the shadows with skeletons scattered all around his feet. The creature type update would make him a 'Beast', which is kind of a wastepaper basket for any vaguely-animalistic creature that doesn't fit into any other classification. The flavour of his effect is a being that guards all of your artifacts from being stolen or destroyed by evil thieves.

We've got a pretty cool art with Ernham Djinn, though I'm not sure which of the two dudes here are the real Ernham Djinn. Is it the guy in the foreground swinging on vines, or the guy in the background with a tornado around him? It's the strongest creature in the entire expansion (and even has a weakness! It buffs your opponent's creatures!), which speaks to the relatively low power level in this set. Ernham, by the way, is an anagram of Herman. Yeah.

Ah, the Singing Tree! The artwork is a bit peaceful and soft that it takes a while yo realize that one of the trees has the profile of a singing face on the trunk. This is taken from the 1001 Nights story of the Persian King Kosrouschah, although in that story it's the leaves of the Singing Tree that has mouths. This Plant creature is able to reduce an attacking creature's power to zero, presumably because it becomes so transfixed by the Singing Tree that it forgets to attack. 

Nafs Asp is a snake coiled around a vase. Again, a pretty simple animal that fits the theme of the set. I like the depiction of poison here, where the turn after the Nafs Asp bites your opponent, they have to suffer an extra damage from the poison unless they pay some mana to purge the effects. 

Being the 'force of nature' colour, Green gets a couple of spells representing the harshness of deserts, like Sandstorm here and both Desert Twister and Cyclone below.

I really like the card art for Metamorphosis here, which just looks painful as the man is transformed into a snake... or is it the other way around? It's not a one-to-one transformation, too, as there seems to be a third eye-socket with a red orb within that's neither man nor serpent. It just looks so wretched as the human's flesh is stretched out into tendrils, and the two beings' tongues are intertwined. The flavour is similar to some Black spells, but I guess if it's transforming instead of doing a ritualistic sacrifice to Griselbrand the Arch-Devil, it's totally about life and nature.

I was once a man! A MAN!

More animals that fit with the whole desert theme, and I suppose these are 'mounted' animals, which is why they're associated with White instead of green? Camel is a pretty simple creature, and while itself is a weak creature, is theoretically able to Band with other creatures to make them stronger and immune to Desert damage. Not... not very useful. 

And War Elephant has Trample and Banding. Which also isn't super useful when you're a mere 2/2. I like the consistency that the elephant is smaller than a Mammoth from the base set!

Shahrazad is the alternate spelling of Scheherazade , main character of the 1001 Tales of the Arabian Nights. The main story of the 1001 Nights is that Shahrazad tells a thousand and one stories to the king she is married to in order to delay an execution, and at the end of so much time spent with the king, he has fallen in love with her. Shahrazad is a sorcery that is extremely high on Magic's ban-list not because she's a powerful card, but because her effect is just so needlessly convoluted and time-consuming.

To wit, upon casting Shahrazad, the two players leave the 'main' MTG game they are playing, and then play a MTG sub-game with their hands as their decks and the loser having his/her life total cut in half. Gimmicky, and in larger formats with multiple players and much more things to track of, a logistical nightmare. 

We're going to blue now with Dandân, the largest fish in the sea that is able to swallow entire ships and fish swarms in a single gulp. I really love the artwork here, which focuses more on the ship that contrast the murky sea... but the Dandân is lurking beneath, ready to chomp down on the boats. Love that it's just a big fish instead of like, a leviathan or something. And yet it's got a rather pathetic 4/1 statline, and the debilitating Islandhome ability. Great flavour, but all around too restrictive of a card. 

"Serendib" is the old name for Sri Lanka. The more you know! They're represented in two creatures in Blue, both of which demand a bit of a price from the user. The Serendib Djinn has a pretty typical 'modernized by Disney' genie appearance, right down to the bracers and facial hair. I really like his lightning-bolt horns that he's got. 

The Serendib Efreet is probably one of the more interesting djinni/efreeti, with his body half-manifested from the lamp he is being summoned out of. It's like the magic is half-3D-printing his body, which is an interesting way to handle this kind of visual effect... and the Efreet himself is a very atypical design as well! I love it. I love the left hand ending in a crooked little sword, and how the lower half of his face splits into two mouths.

I mean, you've got to have a flying carpet in an Arabian Nights inspired set, right? There is an actual Flying Carpet artifact, but we've got Flying Men! Or well, just one man, based on the art and the 1/1 statline. The flavour text even actually quotes the actual 1001 Nights story -- which, by the way, has nothing to do with Aladdin.  

Yeah, a Giant Tortoise! Interestingly, this one isn't an 'islandwalk' or 'islandhome' creature, but a defensive creature that has more toughness than usual. Presumably this represents its shell somehow. It's neat. I like tortoise. 


The Island Fish Jasconius is named after Jasconius, a legend taken from Irish myth of the Legend of Saint Brenda. There is a giant island fish in the Arabian Nights stories -- specifically in Sinbad's first voyage -- but they randomly decided to conflate it with another giant fish legend. Eh? I still really like the artwork despite the randomness of the two myths being fused together, particularly the fish-eyes and mouth poking out from the left side of the island while the plants and foliage cover its body. 

What a terrible effect, though. The upkeep-to-untap and islandhome are bad enough, but the fact that it's an island fish that has nothing to do with the Islands that Blue uses to generate Mana? What the heck, game designers? 

We've got a bunch of artifacts, albeit not as much as Antiquities will have. Some of them are items from the 1001 Nights stories, like a flying carpet or Aladdin's lamp. One of the artifacts (and it isn't a creature) is Ebony Horse, which is a magical artificial horse that's able to move at inhuman speeds created by a Persian magician to help a prince elope. The effect here basically allows the Ebony Horse to help one of your attacking creatures 'elope' and escape combat. That's neat. 

City in a Bottle is a nod to what probably inspired this expansion -- DC/Vertigo comics' The Sandman, issue #50, which features a similar concept within a dreamlike metaphysical plane where all stories exist. Mechanically, it's an 'expansion hoser' that forces all Arabian Nights cards to be discarded from play as they are sealed within a bottle. It's... it's something that's cute when there's only a couple of expansions to keep track of, but can you imagine this in modern magic, where so many cards have been reprinted in various different forms? 

Library of Alexandria! It's a real location, and we also have references to Baghdad, Iraq, in another card. This is also an insanely powerful card that is banned is pretty much all formats, being able to add a mana or draw a card. Thanks to some policies that Wizards of the Coast has about reprinting certain cards, some early-expansion cards have never been reprinted... and Library of Alexandria is one of those. Being a card that can be fitted into almost any deck, this is one of those cards that can reach the thousands of dollars in price!

Anyway, that's it for Arabian Nights, with some of my commentary about the rest of the expansion after the break. It's a bit of a smaller expansion, but not that small.

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ANTIQUITIES:

And now we move into Antiquities, the second expansion for MTG and the start of the entire storyline of MTG involving the brothers Urza and Mishra, as well as the Phyrexian Invasion saga. The game designers at this point hasn't really mastered the art of balancing storytelling and the set itself, but it's also very early in the franchise's history and in retrospect the original version of this article was rather unfair to them. 

Also, I would like to reiterate that the main body of the article will mostly contain cards that I find interesting to talk with. I think my original version of the Antiquities article was rather hard to read because I was trying too much to have equal representation from each colour, which led to a lot of cards that I really didn't have much to say about!

There isn't really a whole lot of story that goes on that isn't about main characters Urza and Mishra, but we still get a bunch of capital-letter descriptors, like Argivian Archaeologist. The kingdom of Argive is the homeland of the two artificers, and I do find the idea of archaeologists being involved in an expansion all about ancient artifacts being recovered to be fitting! ...even if this guy looks like he should be an extra in Tomb Raider or Indiana Jones instead of a more middle-ages fantasy setting. 

That's the only White card we'll talk about here, since Antiquities doesn't actually have that many representations of colours, and most of its card pool are neutral artifacts.

Green's got a pretty cool flavour in representing a "nature rejects the artificial" theme, with Argothian Pixies, from Argoth Forest, being a creature that's more powerful in fighting against Artifact creatures. The r-word usage in flavour text aside, it's nice to have more faeries hanging around, and you can just imagine these little guys sneaking and breaking the magical artifacts used by the mages, yeah? 

Gaea's Avenger here getting 'angrier' and stronger the more artifacts your opponents control. The flavour text hints that the land spirit/goddess Gaea was quite angry that the land of Argoth was utterly destroyed. Later errata would identify this guy as a Treefolk, and I like that the white-ish hard bark serves as 'armour' and weapons for the tree guy. His face also reminds me a bit of like a lizard or something. 

Whereas Green is angry about artifacts, Blue wants to study artifacts and have a lot of ways of drwaing or reconstructing artifacts. Sage of Lat-Nam here has a comically long beard, which I found to be quite fun! Other flavour text in cards I put after the break describe a bit about the College of Lat-Nam, one of the many magical colleges that'll crop up in MTG lore. Of course, they do it FOR SCIENCE! Or FOR KNOWLEDGE, I suppose, considering the game's called Magic, not Science. 

Transmute Artifact doesn't have a cool flavour text, but I really do like the artwork and the usage of colours here. The idea here is you're melting down (or whatever action is equivalent for a magical sphere) an artifact and reforming it into a brand-new one, paying the 'difference in power' with mana. 

Reconstruction shows a skeleton in armour being put together, representing the effect of 'bringing an artifact from the graveyard back'. On closer inspection, you can see that the skeleton isn't even a real skeleton, but likely to be an artifact creature of some sort with all the magical runes and/or mechanical circuitry on the skull. Love the visual of magical threads sewing plates of the skull together. 

Sadly, they don't really have much in lieu of flavour text, but the Goblin Artisans have one of the most hilariously charming artwork! They do wear anachronistic outfit with hardhats and clocks and some typical factory paraphernalia, which modern MTG is a lot better at. Love this artwork! The flavour for Red is, of course, destroying Artifacts. But not out of any kind of desire to protect nature, but just to blow them the heck up. 

Oh, hey, it's the Atog! Like most fantasy settings, MTG would create a bunch of original creatures, and the Atog is the first, being this grinning humanoid figure with veins all over its blue skin, with huge glowing orange eyes, and a gigantic grin. While this artwork just shows us the profile shot, subsequent artwork and expansions would establish Atogs as being the setting's equivalents to gremlins or something. But Atogs actively destroy artifacts and get stronger after 'eating' them, reflected nicely in its card effect.

Originally, 'Atog' was just an anagram of 'goat', because goats are famous for being able to eat anything. 

I really like the name Artifact Blast, and the card art of what appears to be some kind of rune-covered wall or a vase or something being shattered into a hundred pieces... and each other piece has an eyeball on it? Interesting effect to match its flavour (it can't destroy artifacts that already exist) even if countering an artifact as it's being cast is rather highly specific, at least in modern days .

Black doesn't quite destroy artifacts like Red or Green do, but does more wackier stuff like Artifact Possession, where this enchantment just 'corrupts' an artifact and deals damage to its owner any time it's used. And the flavour is done by this little purple... imp-demon thing. I do like the design here, he's got a wormy, snakey lower body that coils around the magical sword, and a face with solid white eyes, no mouth and a lot of horns.

 

Big lore time! The biggest enemies, and the unambiguous 'Big Bad' of the Magic: The Gathering storyline, are the Phyrexians. I am surprised and pleased to realize that they were mentioned this early on! Phyrexia is an extradimensional plane filled with horrorifying monstrosities, and while the interpretation would vary over different art teams, they always have some degree of body horror and varying levels of grafting or being turned into cyborgs. All this artifact fighting between Urza and Mishra end up attracting the horrors of Phyrexia, opening this Gate to Phyrexia. We see walls made up of... flesh? Wires and/or tentacles come in from the foreground and crevasses all over. It's a bit of a more generic hellscape, I guess, since a lot of the identity of Phyrexia hasn't been solidified just yet, but it's a nice preview!

We'll start off with the comical monster first, with Phyrexian Gremlins. Who are gremlins! Which I suppose make sense as monsters that would destroy artifacts. Love Amy Weber's artwork here, where it isn't immediately clear where the gremlins are and it just briefly looks like a pile of shields and scrap pillars until you see the figures peeking in and out of what I assume is a disassembled version of the Armaggedon Clock below. 

Notable that Wizards was very resistant at adding 'Phyrexian' as a creature type, only finally relenting and adding it as late as 2022, almost 30 years since the race's introduction. Hell, the original version of this article (which bitched a bit about the ambiguity of what counts as a Phyrexian) even predates that change!

We have two cards here referencing the original 'big bad' of Phyrexia, Yawgmoth, who is treated as this immense, untouchable demon-overlord of this plane of unlife.

And the first one, the Priest of Yawgmoth, does something that's going to be infamously replicated by some of the most game-breaking Yawgmoth-related cards, which is cheating out chunks of mana by sacrificing something. Look at the design of this guy, though! He looks like he's based on the 'intelligent artificial skeleton robot' Terminator mixed with the body horror of something like Hellraiser. You can see the very human eyes in the sunken skull -- which itself has a bunch of extra metallic parts. And those jointed fingers, and the strange red pipe (does it contain blood or something else?) coming from his wrist to his palm... Very cool, very creepy. Adding to the creep factor that the Priest of Yawgmoth is a "Phyrexian Human Cleric", meaning that this was once human, who ended up being transformed and turned into a robot thing by the Phyrexians.

The Yawgmoth Demon is more straightforward, being a Phyrexian Demon... which means that it is both a demon and a Phyrexian. He's a cyborg demon! He is a bit of a more comical-looking design, especially compared to how badass the 2000s comic-book archenemy vibe of his Priest buddy. Most of his body is pretty all right, being a gangly skeleton, and those tentacle-hair might even be kind of threatening, but the mouthless face just doesn't work. The head looks like a weird tube with eyes, and I'm not sure if that's a bill, or his neck, or his beard, or a long faceplate... he looks weird, but perhaps not as threatening as a demon from the dark corrupt realm of Phyrexia should've been. 

And we're going to go into the artifacts, which... again, I try my best to find something to say about the ones I find interesting, but I'm not gonna force myself to. Golgothian Sylex (named after the Biblical Golgotha) is a plot-relevant item that Urza utilized and caused the Antiquities War to end, causing the gateway to Phyrexia to be sealed and Mishra to seemingly be killed... and leading to the events of the next couple of expansions. Its effect is quite damning, if ultimately not something that's ever going to be printed ever again, targeting and exiling all the cards that come from this expansion. 

I do like the Armageddon Clock, mostly for its name, but I also like the artwork of a jukebox-looking item with a huge clock, skeletons within it, and two angel wings that are easy to miss as they blend into the map behind it. (It's also seemingly the artifact that was ravaged to nothingness by the Phyrexian Goblins above). Its effect is nowhere as useful as its name implies, however, being a measly counter-based damage. 

A bit too important for me to leave to the end, the Mightstone and Weakstone are two of the artifacts found by Urza and Mishra in the Caves of Koilos (that is a card I use a lot in actual magic) and they fought over these for a good chunk of the conflict. Not much to say, Mightstone is just a boring clenched fist. Weakstone is cute in that presumably it's causing this bizarre skinny crocodile-dog to get reduced to a weaker state. 

Ashnod is Mishra's apprentice, and a bit of a villain if Ashnod's Transmogrant is anything to go by. The effect turns a regular creature into an Artifact Creature, which in this case involves being locked in a huge jar filled with green sci-fi fluid, only receiving nourishnment from that flask of red fluid that's stuck straight into its mouth. Presumably this person used to be a human but is now an eyeless humanoid figure with green skin. Outside of game mechanics, why would someone want to be an artifact creature? I guess for more power, to become a Clay Golem or something?

Love that this very disturbing contraption is held together with the power of one padlock. 

Among the many, many magical staves and amulets and swords in this set, one of the artifacts is a MOTHERFUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER which I just find to be utterly hilarious! Look at that goblin guy. He's so happy! I like that it actually looks like something that feels like it belongs in a setting like this, where artifacts are quasi-magical technology and they're not just one-to-one replications of a modern-day rocket launcher.

I really do like robots, and while MTG would perhaps go a bit too far with the robots later on, in an artifact-themed set I really do like them. Clockwork Avian looks less like an 'avian', and more like a monstrous pterosaur. Really like the elongated head and the kite-like wings. It follows the gimmick of Clockwork Beast from Alpha, where it slowly 'falls apart' as it attacks and defends, but the caster can spend mana to repair it. 

Millstone is the origin of the trading card game "milling", which is basically to moving cards out of your opponent's deck into somewhere less useful (typically the graveyard), and denying them resources that they could use. Just like Demonic Tutor, looking back at the very original card, it's a bit out of place for its effect, yeah?

The flavour text does explain how it works, though. Since the deck is a representation of the spells in a wizard's mind, the sound of the Millstone's grinding causes people to literally go insane. Very creepy! This artwork from MTG 2014 is a particularly badass one showing how this effect works in a more stylized manner, and I love it.

It really is a shame that Tetravus has a literal wall of text for its frankly uninteresting counter-based effect. But what is it? It's some kind of triple-coloured flying... robot... snake manta-ray thing? It's got electricity radiating out of it, and it's got two sets of wings or flippers. And what looks like a mouth made up of strange, vaguely Aztec-Mayan lines? Are those eyes above that, holy crap, I just noticed it. It's so strange, and I'm kind of sad that there's absolutely nothing in its name or its nonexistent flavour text to tell me what a Tetravus is. 

Another strange artifact creature is the Onulet, which looks like... a long desk with a face on its sides that's... drinking? Like a dog or something? It's either a super-long, strangely-proportioned centipede cow or a sentient dining table, and I'm not sure which makes more sense for this setting. The flavour text says that Onulets can be cannibalized for magical essences (i.e. life points) after they get destroyed, which also does not explain what this weird thing is...

...that is, until very recently in 2022, where Tocasia's Onulet shows that the original intent was a giant bull-creature. Okay! 

Okay, Triskelion, what are you? He's a big giant robot with giant googly eyes and a big underbite. He's also got three arms, two of which are kind of jutting out from the same side. Apparently despite being functionally a 4/4 that can shoot out its tokens for damage, it's a menace in the battlefields. Okay, sure. I just find it so goofy.

Ornithopter is a term used for any device that flies by flapping its wings. The term faded into obscurity once we moved on to airplanes, but Dune made it popular again in sci-fi. Some of the other card art below (like Urza's Avenger) also take the form of what looks like drafts or design blueprints made by Urza (or Mishra), and he Ornithopter design here looks like something that Da Vinci or someone would make. "Thopters" would later on be a recurring artifact creature type within the various realms of Magic. 

And on to the rest of the two expansions, below the break!