A little sneak preview for what's coming in the next couple of months:

Maybe, hopefully I'll keep these in schedule... 

Movie Review: Alien 3

Alien 3 [1992]

I have tried to review an Alien movie every Halloween, though I haven't exactly kept it up. I missed out a year, either 2019 or 2020. And that's mostly because I haven't watched two of the final Sigourney Weaver Alien movies. The first two Alien movies have been well-regarded for basically being the defining movie for their own corners of the sci-fi genre, with Alien codifying sci-fi horror and Aliens codifying sci-fi action. The next two movies... well, they've met with differing reactions. Alien 3, in particular, was infamous for its extremely troubled production and is probably the defining movie in movie-making history for 'screwed by executive meddling'.

Now I want to note that the copy of Alien 3 that I watched was the "Assembly Cut", which ran around a full half-hour longer, and fixes a lot of the pacing problems that the original theatrical version had. I imagine that if I had watched the theatrical version, with how it was described to me, I'd probably have a much, much lower opinion of this movie than I do now. As it is, my opinion of this movie is basically just 'm'eh'.

Alien 3 follows off the events of Aliens, but also at the same time negates most of the bittersweet happy ending from that movie. Spoilers for a three-decade-old movie, I guess, but everyone at the end of Aliens all dies off-screen. Hicks, Bishop and little girl Newt just all die in the crash that happens at the beginning of the movie, and a lot of fans of the second movie are immediately turned off by this... and it's hard to blame them. Sure, Alien as a franchise has a high death count, but the sheer callousness of how they are disposed of would rub people the wrong way. 

After that, though, Alien 3 sets up the premise of their new location. The pod crash-lands on a prison world, Fiorina/Fury-161, and the audience is quickly introduced to the location's little gimmick, that the prisoners are all men who are trying to 'better themselves' with religion. Ripley wakes up and the only friendly face is dr. Clemens (Charles Dance!), who humours her panicked attempts to want an autopsy done on the body of Newt after dreams of a xenomorph sneaking on-board. The prison being held together by a religion is... it's interesting atmosphere. But other than some nice lines from Dillon, I don't think it really goes anywhere. 

Meanwhile, the audience learns to meet the rest of the cast, and... and I'm sorry to say that not a lot of them are memorable. It honestly doesn't help that 90% of the cast are just bald angry men. The notable ones include Warden Andrews (who's pretty fun for being a 'doubter'), his second-in-command '85' Aaron (who's got the personality of a brick), Dillon (essentially the male lead, as both the reasonable prisoner and the one that keeps the other prisoners in line), Morse (the one that survives to the end, though I'm hard-pressed to distinguish him from the others earlier in the movie) and Golic (a.k.a. the crazy one).

Obviously, there's a xenomorph on board Ripley's ship (how it got there after the ending of Aliens is kind of a shrug, I guess the Queen left one on board?) otherwise we wouldn't have a movie. This particular xenomorph infects a cow (a dog in the theatrical version) and emerges as a quadrupedal version of the xenomorph we've seen in the previous two movies, dubbed 'the Dragon' by Golic when he witnesses it kill some of his fellow prisoners and the name that the fandom seems to refer to this particular xenomorph as. 

And... and then we essentially have the plot of Alien, but in an off-world prison. Which honestly is something that isn't as bad as I thought it would be. And part of it might just be because I'm watching the 'Assembly Cut', which I know has been re-edited to be paced better. But while it certainly never hits the tenseness of Alien or the high-octane energy of Aliens, it's... it's a decent sci-fi flick? Once you ignore some of the inconsistencies with the previous movies, I mean.

It's just such a shame that aside from Ripley and Dillon, a huge amount of the cast are just disposable, one-note and honestly end up just being fodder for the Dragon to massacre. Eventually, after the requisite screentime given for the xenomorph to prove itself powerful and deadly and rack high enough of a bodycount, everyone starts listening to Ripley. Ripley goes through two plans to trap the Dragon (the first one fails after Golic goes crazy and lets the Dragon out from where it's caged), and, as usual, Weyland-Yutani completely disregards human life and only intervenes when it seems like the xenomorph is threatened and wouldn't be delivered to them intact. 

The complications rise up as we near the climax not only because the Dragon escapes, but because Ripley is also carrying a larva within her... which takes the entire movie to burst out, apparently. It's also an Alien Queen larva, which I felt was pretty easy to miss and I didn't realize until a friend pointed it out to me. While this makes the Dragon unwilling to kill Ripley, it also means that Ripley herself is a ticking time-bomb; either the alien kills her, or Weyland-Yutani gets their hands on the xenomorph and uses it to create bioweapons. 

The action scenes are... it's all right, I guess. The Dragon looks honestly similar enough to the monsters we saw in Alien and Aliens that while it's cool to see it massacre grown men and scuttle through vents, it's also... nothing particularly new? I did like the scene at the end where they try to kill the bugger by dropping molten lead onto him, that's cool. And then we get the final conflict, with Aaron calling in a Weyland-Yutani for the final confrontation... before Ripley elects to toss herself into molten metal to kill herself and the alien within her, and deny Weyland-Yutani their prize. It's a pretty depressing ending to Ripley's story, and honestly, while I get that not all stories have (or need) a happy ending, this one does kind of work? Sort of?

And... and, again, I don't really think that there's anything the movie does that's particularly wrong, except maybe the fact that I can't tell much of the cast apart. I guess the cast in Alien 3 is just so much less interesting than Alien, Aliens and Prometheus? And the plot feels like Alien, just rehashed in the prison? The movie itself is honestly also kind of dreary and bland at times, although one could argue that the huge theme of the movie is redemption... which, while done pretty well on Dillon's part, kind of doesn't work all that well for dr. Clemens (who dies before he does anything significant) or Ripley (her 'failure' doesn't really have anything to do with her actions). It's honestly a step down from the previous two movies, and while I'd still argue that this is a solid one, I can see why it was received so poorly especially when you factor in that the movie's nihilistic and depressing undertone. On the other hand, I would still say that the movie -- at least its 'Assembly Cut' -- is still a pretty all right entry in the series. 

Random Notes:

• It is an interesting bit going from 'we have giant guns and flamethrowers' in Aliens with marines fighting an entire xenomorph colony to a single specimen (granted, Dragon's born out of a cow and seems to be faster) murdering an entire prison's population. But as the movie points out, the fact that there's no weapon in the prison does make it a bit problematic.
• Clemens dying so early on after revealing his backstory to Ripley was pretty bizarre from a writing standpoint. I mean, yes, okay, it does establish the 'anyone-can-die' stakes, but when I don't particularly care about the rest of the cast...
• On the other hand, as entertaining as his 'rumour mill' schtick was, Warden Andrews being killed mid-speech by being dragged into the ceiling was nothing short of hilarious.
• I honestly do struggle to think of any notable death scenes in this one, which I feel is also something that sort of hurts this movie a fair bit as a monster movie. I guess there's that "Ripley mistakes a pipe for the xeno's head" scene?
• The Weyland-Yutani team is led by Bishop's human creator, who has the same face as Bishop. It's bizarre, comes out of nowhere, and it doesn't even get a 'shock value' to me beyond a raised eyebrow.
• Aaron also dies in the confrontation after attacking 'original Bishop' for no real reason, which, after being kind of wishy-washy throughout the whole movie and the only real memorable thing about him being that he 'wants to go home'... it's kind of bizarre why he would attack Bishop at that point in the movie. 
• In the theatrical version, apparently the queen xenomorph bursts out of Ripley's chest as she falls down to her death? Having seen the Assembly Cut first, I'm not sure how I feel about that version of that scene. 
• The absolutely gory work done to show Hicks and Newt's squashed, maggot-covered bodies is utterly nasty. I can appreciate the amount of practical effects put into this, but just why tho.

Marvel's M.O.D.O.K., Season 1 Review

Marvel's M.O.D.O.K.

This is an interesting one! This is another one of the shows on Disney+ based on a Marvel property, but it's kind of... it's basically a cartoon. A stop-motion cartoon that's standalone and not tied to any other projects. That's a rarity these days! But I was kind of tickled at the idea that someone made a show out of M.O.D.O.K. -- a character whose existence seems to be pretty limited to the comics and video games due to how inherently ridiculous he is. M.O.D.O.K. is an Iron Man villain who's a mad scientist reduced into a gigantic floating head with wiggly hands and legs. And since I apparently just consume anything superhero-related, I decided to watch the ten episodes of this show for around a couple of months. And it's... it's fun? Admittedly, I expected a regular superhero show. Maybe a bit funnier with a bit more hijinks. But Marvel's M.O.D.O.K. is a sitcom parody, sort of in the vein of DC's Harley Quinn show but a lot less superhero/supervillain-y, and more about M.O.D.O.K.'s family drama. 

It's... it's honestly a bit of a hard show to really describe. The general stuff about the Marvel universe is still there. M.O.D.O.K. still leads the science-terrorist organization AIM, and he fights Iron Man a couple of times. A whole lot of familiar faces (and not-so-familiar ones) from the comics also show up, including several very unexpected references to facets of the X-Men comics that, in the past decade or so, have been purged from most Marvel media. Mister Sinister even got a speaking cameo! 

The show basically alternates between storylines showing M.O.D.O.K. dealing with how his company AIM has been taken over by 'GRUMBL', a mega-corp represented by a hipster dude called Austin Van Der Sleet. There's no real reason as to why M.O.D.O.K. doesn't just invent a new superweapon to blow up GRUMBL and take back his company beyond some vague hand-waving, but there we go. We have M.O.D.O.K.'s little rivalry with his former protégé-turned-rival Monica Rappacini, and a whole lot of hijinks with promotions, demotions and stuff in the workplace that gets dialed up to eleven because M.O.D.O.K. is a giant floating head with tiny wiggly hands and legs that can spontaneously summon robot buzzsaws and shoot mind-rays. 

The other side of the coin is dealing with M.O.D.O.K.'s family, comprised of his (regular human) wife Jodie, and his two kids Lou and Melissa. One of them is a regular boy, and the other is a M.O.D.O.K.-esque 'giant floating head' person. There's also their sycophantic butt-monkey pet robot-butler thing Super-Adaptoid. It's... it's that kind of show, and as with most sitcoms, we get the typical divorce storyline and a jackass, socially-inept father trying to reconnect with his children. I've never really cared too much about these sort of shows, but, again, the fact that M.O.D.O.K. is M.O.D.O.K. is the whole joke.

I guess the Harley Quinn bit is still the closest comparison, although Harley Quinn does eventually get a relatively decent plot involving a major antagonist. In M.O.D.O.K., most of the episodes are standalone, and while we do get two huge payoffs to the recurring antagonists in the final two episodes, it feels a lot more... relaxed, I guess? It feels a lot more like a sitcom that just happens to take place in the Marvel universe with all the ridiculousness. At one point they fall into a portal into Asgard. At another point, M.O.D.O.K. has to rally six C-list supervillains for a heist, and some of them blurt out their actual comic-book backstories. I do feel like the standalone 'wacky episode prompt' episodes are a lot more fun compared to the attempts at a more major storyline, but otherwise the show's definitely fun.

Oh, and the whole show is in stop-motion. Which works surprisingly well with... well, with M.O.D.O.K. himself, since he is already inherently ridiculous-looking. I think the best showcase of just how well-done the animation is the fight between M.O.D.O.K. and Monica in the second half of the show, where they literally just pull out a bunch of random sci-fi stuff and lob it at each other very seamlessly. It feels like something out of Rick and Morty, if we're being honest, which probably isn't too far off the mark considering how much this show loves its over-the-top brutal violence. 

The show itself is pretty funny once I realize what it is. Patton Oswald is already pretty excellent as M.O.D.O.K., and the jokes and concepts move pretty fast. And... well, it's a pretty short show and I enjoyed it. I came in expecting a regular supervillain/superhero show, and while I definitely wouldn't have minded a traditional show about M.O.D.O.K., I definitely walked out of this one enjoying it a lot. 

Legends of Tomorrow, Season 6, Part 2 Review:

DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 6

Part two of my coverage of Legends of Season's sixth season, covering the second half of the season. As with the first half, this one is going to be a bit shorter than my usual seasonal-review fare!

Episode 8: Stressed Western

After the 'mid-season finale' vibe of the previous episode, this one feels like just another regular legends adventure. Emphasis on it trying its best to be regular -- even the characters themselves lampshade it. And... as far as things go, it's pretty much restricted to the wacky concept of the episode. We're back in the Wild West, but instead of Jonah Hex, the guest star for this episode is a giant glistening alien worm that eats angry people and can only be controlled by a magic whistle. Pretty simple wacky stuff, and the main conflict is... well, Sara hiding her immortal half-alien body from the rest of the crew, and being increasingly cocky. All the conflict among the party members make it extra hard to have a discussion before the rage-worm bursts into the saloon and eat them, making the whole episode essentially forcing the various team members to confront their problems without summoning the rage worm. This includes Constantine/Gary's argument about the space magic fountain, and Zari/Behrad's sibling argument about Behrad's love-life. The story is pretty solid, the giant worm and cowboy guns are neat. Nate even gets some screentime where he gets pretty pissed off at being essentially benched in the past batch of episodes, which is actually kinda neat. Constantine also leaves the team, although he's going to kinda-sorta be the focus of the second half. 

Spooner and Astra get a bit of B-plot, and... the actress does her best, but I really don't care about Spooner, y'know? Especially when her backstory is just told to us off-handedly like this? Plus, compared to every other member of the cast, it feels so mundane. They try so hard to emphasize that she's more than just an alien radar, but the show itself doesn't really allow her to grow beyond that.  David Ramsey (John Diggle) plays the historical sheriff that, uh... doesn't really do much of anything? This episode is directed by him, so I guess it's a fun little cameo. 

Episode 9: This is Gus

Not the biggest fan of this episode, but on the other hand, I'm also not the biggest fan of Behrad, who's probably one of the characters that feels the most like a weird hanger-on. Still, this episode at least tries to give him a spotlight -- the alien-of-the-week is a pink Furby creature that ends up landing and screwing up the filming of a particularly important sitcom that would be a formative experience for Behrad's childhood, leading to a cascade of time-changes which causes Behrad to go from a carefree dudebro into a businessman. Shayan Sobhian gets to do portray the alternate-timeline Behrad and he gets a lot of fun here, as does Tala Ashe as both versions of Zari. There's also a birthday plot stuffed in here, too, and, again, ultimately it's pretty standard Legends stuff. 

There's also a B-plot with Mick finding out that his daughter, circa-2023, is pregnant. Mick's attempt to kill her boyfriend Niko ended up with the two men hugging it out... and the revelation that Mick's pregnant because Kayla injected an alien brood-eggsack into Mick's brain. Also, they adopted the little baby Gus. Okay!

Episode 10: Bad Blood

The Constantine stuff has always been weird, hasn't it? You go from the nuttiness of the previous two episodes into a relatively standard British magical demon-hunter storyline? Admittedly, Constantine himself has been more and more 'Legends-esque' over the couple of seasons he's hung around this cast, but any time he's got the spotlight, it does really feel like we've moved to a slightly different show. Legends' Constantine stories are definitely several degrees more tame than the actual Hellblazer comics that Constantine hails from, but when he's alone, it's always a bit odd how characters like Crowley the talking painting or Noelle the vampire are played a lot more straight compared to... well, all the aliens in this season, for example. So while this is a great episode for Constantine himself (and, to be honest, the type of story I personally like more) it does feel a bit odd compared to the wackiness of the rest of the season. Anyway, Constantine and Spooner end up going around 30's Spain to look for clues for the Fountain of Imperium, which includes being caught up in the middle of the Spanish Civil War. 

The episode itself is pretty neat, with Constantine constantly struggling on whether to 'juice up' with the magical blood-cocktail left by Noelle the vampire. He also cosplays as a Vatican priest, which was fun! We get a pretty great monologue about Constantine about how he is nothing without magic, with some pretty well-done nods to his abused past. Ultimately Constantine gets some magic back after sweet-talking Spooner and the little boy Fernando into giving up his powers to Constantine... but the power finds Constantine unworthy and dissipates. To protect Spooner and Fernando, Constantine drinks from the psychotic magic potion, and ends up going utterly berserk in a pretty well-executed scene while a childhood tune is playing in the background. In a typical jackass Constantine move, he mind-wipes Spooner to think that they are successful in restoring Constantine's magic, and he sells Alisteir Crowley's painting to Noelle the vampire banker for more magic potions. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the cast is... well, Gary's stuck as an alien because he lost his glasses, Mick's pregnant while also having some angst about leaving Kayla behind, while the rest of the team has to muck around with keeping baby Gus and ultimately tossing him out into some forest. Ultimately, a very solid episode! Just one that, again, feels like it probably should be its own show instead of being attached to this one. 

Episode 11: The Final Frame

Bowling! This one arguably does overstay its welcome, but maybe it's because I actually 'get' the theme here that I had a good time with this otherwise pretty one-track episode. Thanks to our heroes accidentally opening a metal cube 'invitation', the Earth gets turned into a bowling ball in a cosmic bowling alley, and Sara, Mick, Astra and Spooner have to win a bowling match against a bunch of typical jackasses called the Pin-Killers to restore the Earth back. Toss in a typical inter-team 'learn to work together' story between Mick and Spooner, and we've got basically the main plot of this episode.  Also, the Earth gets literally turned into a bowling ball. It's the sort of cosmic-ridiculousness that something like Dr. Who or some of the more ridiculously-cosmic episodes of Star Trek would give us, and it's surprisingly fun. 

There are also a bunch of sub-plots -- the one that gets resolved relatively quickly is Constantine, who's reveling a bit too much in his newfound super-magic powers. Obviously, the godlike bowling owner notes that it'll be the death of Constantine eventually, but it's nice to see John get a bit more crazy in-between his focus episodes. Nate and Zari 1.0 go on a date in the woods to talk about their relationship, and they basically talk out the little doubts that Zari 1.0 has. They also get to shoot a cosmic alien being's finger. And, uh... oh, Gary and Ava cavort around in wedding dresses. 

Episode 12: Bored on Bored Onboard

Another one I really, really like! As our heroes are stuck on board the Waverider for three weeks, they resort to playing a game of fake-Cluedo (or 'Among Us', for all of you younger viewers). Constantine, still drunk on his newfound boosted magic powers, decides to go full-on Jumanji and make the game actually real, transporting everyone into the game. It's typical Legends dress-up stuff, except this time we tie it intrinsically into John Constantine's own problems. The episode also builds up a decent conflict between Behrad (who's in an overprotective-bro mode), Zari 2.0 (who has to choose between John and Behrad) and Constantine (who's irritated all around). Constantine ends up having to face the literal 'beast' running around the ship -- himself. Or rather, his dark side who tries to strangle him. All of it would be pretty bland and gimmicky, but, as usual, the show really ends up being a whole lot more fun than the episode summary would have you believe. 

Meanwhile, in the real world, Gary (who can't narrate the game) and Mick (who has hair) ends up meeting with Kayla. She's understandably pissed off at being left behind on the planet with Zagurons, and we get some pretty great moment from Mick's own combination of relief, reluctance to apologize and regret. Kayla ends up betraying everyone, and uses her detachable tentacle Lefty to resurrect -sigh- Lord Bishop. I guess the season needed a main villain, but honestly -- Kayla or Dark Constantine would've both been such superior choices to Bishop. 

Episode 13: Silence of the Sonograms

An... interesting episode. I guess they had to do something to make Bishop, the hyper-hipster from the future, interesting. So they do it by staging an entire episode that's a fake redemption episode -- something that's 100% in-line with Legends of Tomorrow, by the way -- and hitting all the expected stops that Legends would. Except unlike Astra or Nora or whoever else Legends have turned to the side of good in the previous seasons, turns out that Bishop's evil all along. Which I'm thankful about; I really don't care for Bishop. Some really great moments for Ava through all this, though -- her bit with planning the wedding has been kind of a running gag more than anything, but I really do love how we get something more beyond that.

Lots of fun moments in this episode. Sara and Nate constantly talking about chess metaphors for one. Also, Mick finally delivers his 48 alien babies through his nose. And that ties into the Bishop plot with Bishop stealing Mick's ear-communicator while helping to deliver the alien babies; which I actually find pretty impressive. 

The B-plot consists of Zari II, Astra and Spooner trying to figure out what's wrong with Constantine. Things go in a surprisingly fast pace (Spooner's memory block is handwaved extremely quickly, as is Zari stealing Constantine's flask) and just like Bishop, John Constantine actually tosses his flask in the trash can and for a moment, it does seem like he's genuinely reconsidering everything and trying to fight his literal demon-in-a-bottle. Except, well, this is magical stuff and Dark Constantine is less of a personification of John's alcoholism, but something more literal. John does seem like he genuinely wants to kick the habit of juicing up, but Dark Constantine takes over, and gets into contact with Bishop. A lot of great stuff from Matt Ryan these past couple of episodes, and I'm definitely a big fan. 

Episode 14: There Will Be Brood

Plot! This is an... interesting episode. I didn't know that John Constantine was going to exit the show until after I have finished the season, so the huge twist at the end of the episode most certainly caught me off-guard. But the whole episode is pretty damn great. The almost off-handed reveal of how the Fountain of Imperium is actually just... well, an ancient magical colony of mushrooms. Oh, and all mushrooms are actually aliens, because why the fuck not? Bishop and Dark Constantine work together, hijacking the Waverider and going to early 20th century Texas. 

Also very interestingly, we get Astra and Spooner. Legends has always been pretty great at making me like side characters that I really didn't care about, but this season I really only have shrugs to deliver to Behrad* and Spooner in particular... up until this episode. We get the proper origin story of Spooner, and while it's not the most exciting thing out there, turns out that Spooner's backstory is tied to the Fountain of Imperium. She clearly doesn't believe in the sanctity of the timeline, and as she points out, Astra is probably one of the few people on board the ship that would agree with her. So that's why she got swayed very easily when John gave her an option to change history and save her mother in exchange for her blood. 

*He's MIA since the Constantine fight all the way up until the finale, and I didn't even notice. 

Everything is honestly tied together very well, and, yes, even Bishop's plan is included in this. Still don't particularly care much for Bishop -- he's not the worst villain that CW or even Legends has had, but at least tying his master plan to the Fountain of Imperium (he wants to destroy it to draw all the aliens to Earth and accelerate its destruction) makes his team-up with Constantine make sense.  

Ultimately, in-between the multi-layered plot gambit of Astra and Spooner trying to preserve Spooner's history while also saving her mother; as well as Bishop and Constantine double-crossing each other, this all leads to Bishop's victory as Constantine seems to have died of poison, ultimately being consumed by the roots of the Fountain as he disintegrates into nothing, thanking and apologizing to his quasi-daughter Astra. Extremely great performance from Matt Ryan and, frankly, an appropriately downer of an ending -- well, of a sort -- for Constantine. 

(The B-plot for this one explains what the rest of the cast is doing -- they had to call in Kayla for help with a fake space-Twitter post, and then Mick seems to get blown up rescuing one last egg from Bishop's trap.)

Episode 15: The Fungus Amongus

And the finale is... of course it ends with the huge wedding between Sara and Ava. How could it not? Of course they worked it into the climax of the season. Again, how could they not? After the Beebo nonsense, that was honestly what I expected. We get a 'last stand' being set up after the previous episode. The Fountain is dead*, an invasion force of Zagurons is literally coming, and our heroes just lost Constantine (Mick's fine). And... and Constantine does kind of come back, kinda-sorta. He ends up staying behind as one singular mushroom to deliver Sara a cryptic line about how 'we're all connected', and I thought that he was going to be left as a Swamp Thing analogue in this world. Except he doesn't -- his soul is providing nourishment to the Fountain of Imperium to keep it alive just a bit longer, and later on Constantine's dead soul ends up being bound to a demon as he exits the show. Genuinely thought that last episode was his exit, but okay. 

*Ignore, by the way, the fact that all of this is technically happening on Earth-Prime where Supergirl consistently has a literal alien embassy on Earth. 

The Zagurons and Bishop are more or less just huge distractions -- even when Young Bishop gets brought in to help cure the fungal problem. The primary focus is, of course, the wedding, as well as the Legends themselves. Bishop really isn't a character I care about, and his mastermind powers basically amounts to 'haha, I have 6% of Sara's gene so I know exactly how she thinks'. Admittedly this does lead to the rest of the cast deciding to have a wedding right then and there, which was funny. 

The climax ends up hinging on a 'we are all connected' line that means that Spooner is able to use her alien mushroom powers to swap everyone's powers around... very Rise of the Silver Surfer, very eye-rolling. I don't have much to comment on this segment. And then we get the very Legends way of ending the show, with the Fountain of Imperium, now cured, deciding that Sara and Ava's love is neat enough to help wipe out the Zagurons. And then Mick and Kayla's babies hatch and devour evil future Bishop, and thank goodness for that. 

Anyway, that's how the episode ends. Constantine exits the show, and so does Mick Rory who goes off to be a parent (in an honestly pretty random scene that I felt came out of nowhere), and the rest of the Legends go off... to see the Waverider get blown up. Because of course it does. Ultimately, this is a finale that's kind of expected -- the show taking something that, by rights, should be cheesy as all hell but dialing up the ridiculousness that everything ends up feeling sincere. How great was Ava and Gary's conversation before the wedding? Or the vows they ultimately make? It does wonderfully what The Flash has kind of been failing to do for the past couple of seasons. Again, this season has been... fun. Legends of Tomorrow is such a bizarre show. I can't say with all honesty that I like all of it, but damn if it isn't enjoyable. 

One Piece 1029 Review: Tower of Gray

One Piece, Chapter 1029: The Tower

A fun chapter, this one. The first half is kind of a follow-up on the Sanji-vs-Queen fight that was the cliffhanger for 1028, and it's basically letting the revelation that Sanji is an 'modified human' (or cyborg, or enhanced human, or kaizo-ningen, whichever translation you prefer) and Queen keeps basically mocking Sanji unknowingly, talking about how Judge's plan has always been to create super-soldiers with hearts of ice. And Sanji just... he just freaks out. He thinks about how he might turn out like his three jackass brothers, and he just runs the hell away, pursued by Queen and his Dr. Octopus robo-tentacles. Queen just wants to see the power of Germa's science, while Sanji is having a bit of an existential crisis -- pretty cool scene of him getting shot in the head to no damage, too. 

And... I kind of get it. I really do! Anyone in Sanji's position would feel the same. Someone with so much loathing towards his family, someone who prided in his humanity and his love for his friends, to his love for other people and caring for them as a cook... the prospect of being turned into a callous machine like his brothers would scare Sanji a lot. But, well, let's just say that Zoro's cutting up Kaidou and King, and Sanji's been kind of running away from fights. I don't particularly care about the rivalry between the Zoro/Sanji fandoms, and I trust One Piece's writers to give us a payoff, but that payoff better be awesome. 

Speaking of payoffs, this chapter wraps up the Killer/Hawkins fight, primarily, but we also get to see Kid being absolutely manhandled by Big Mom in the part of Onigashima where they're fighting. No one in that battlefield actually knows why Kid's suddenly having a migraine, so Law, being teh good doctor that he is... teleports up to Big Mom and Counter Shocks him. A lot of fun attacks here and Big Mom really just seems to still be unstoppable, burning Law with 'Stolen Fire' and beating Kid with an electrified sword attack called 'Mama-raid'. A pun on 'marmalade'! I get it!

Interestingly (and I think Sanji might go through a longer version of this in future chapters) we actually get to see Kid's internal monologue. Kid's been very unimpressive all throughout this arc, and he actually thinks about how his entire career would be an entire joke if he died there like a bitch. 

Meanwhile, instead of killing Kid like a pragmatic person, Hawkins does the comic-book supervillain stupidity of tormenting Killer -- bashing his head against the wall to give Kid those migraines; mocking Killer's devil fruit, and... and Killer actually feels straight-up desperate, begging and pleading on the ground for Hawkins to stop., offering his life in exchange. I like that extra panel showing the rest of the Kid Pirates showing up and baffled that their mighty second-in-command is doing this -- they're not going to matter in the grand scheme of things, but I really like these panels that remind us that Law and Kid have their own pirate crews and nakama and units of close friends in the background. 

Hawkins gives a monologue about how pirates like them stand no chance against the might of the Yonkou, and it's much better to just surrender and bow down to a great beast like Kaidou... but Killer sees quickly through Hawkins' bullshit, pointing out that he clearly regrets the decision he made to blindly obey Kaidou because of his prophecies of doom, while Killer and Kid are still standing. 

And after Killer says that thing, we get Killer asking Hawkins the obvious thing that the fandom pointed out the moment it's revealed that Hawkins has Kid's soul -- what happens to all the voodoo-doll damage if there's nowhere to go? And Killer goes straight for Hawkins' left arm, successfully amputating it while only mildly inconveniencing Kid. 

Also conveniently, Kid's strawman 'soul' is in that detached arm. Hawkins resorts to the other powers of his Wara-Wara no Mi, while doing his tarot readings. It's always so fascinating that Hawkins' powers like this -- fortune-telling while summoning a Stand-esque power -- is just something that we see so little of. But Hawkins at least monologues enough for us to know what it means. He draws the "Death" card upright, saying that it's a card that allows Hawkins to end Killer's life himself... only for Killer to easily decapitate the Strawman.

The next card is 'the Tower', and Hawkins barely has time to process the meaning before Killer does two massive "Spin & Sonic" slices across Hawkins' chest, finally taking him down. Elsewhere in Onigashima, Kid stands back up, and I think he guessed what's going on. The narrator informs us what happened -- the Tower means either 'the collapse of the old and brittle', or 'a new way forward'.

(Wikipedia tells me that the Tower can mean 'danger, crisis, sudden change, destruction, higher learning, and liberation'; and another source says ' Misery, distress, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, ruin. It is a card in particular of unforeseen catastrophe.' But I'm nowhere qualified enough to talk about the symbology of Tarot cards.)

A surprisingly great chapter. We don't really get any new insights on Killer beyond really reaffirming that he's super-duper loyal to Kid. Hell, even the way that Hawkins is taken down is more or less what the fandom has deduced a half-dozen chapters ago when the fight was set up. But it was still done pretty damn well. Hawkins mocking Killer, Kid's monologues, the two great action shots of Killer slicing up Hawkins... having never really cared for Killer at all (or Kid too, if we're being honest), it's actually quite great to see how this chapter suddenly made me realize that I was pretty invested in Killer beating Hawkins just to protect his captain. Pretty fun stuff. 

And... I'm curious where do we go from here. I do think that we're going to wrap up one of the secondary fights, which is increasingly dwindling in number. Maybe one of the Zoro/King or Sanji/Queen fights? We do still have Big Mom/Kid/Law to wrap up, plus whatever's going on with Orochi (I think it's going to be a Denjirou thing, the man hasn't really done anything). Oh, and Raizou/Fukurokuju, that's also something that hasn't been wrapped up. EDIT: Also, Drake and Apoo! Although I wonder if Drake's big moment will wait until when the World Government ships arrive and he's supposed to make a big choice? 

Legends of Tomorrow, Season 6, Part 1 Review:

DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Season 6

I am ever so slowly making my way through the late-2020 and 2021 releases for the CW/DC shows, and... and among them, I think Legends of Tomorrow has and always will be the easiest to review due to how gloriously irreverent and joke-driven it is. And that's not a complaint at all -- that's why I keep coming back to this show despite it not reeeally being a superhero show since, oh, season three? But it's a buttload of fun. Which brings us here! Into Legends of Tomorrow, its wacky period costumes and its annual time-travel-with-sometimes-superhero-hijinks stories!

A bit of a rapid-fire review here. Again, I'm trying to experiment with how to handle these TV reviews. After this, I believe I'll do... probably Black Lightning? Or Supergirl? One of the two 'finale seasons'? We'll see. 

Episode 1: Ground Control to Sara Lance

I do like that the show does low-key do a re-introduction of all our characters via a series of scenes showing Mick picking everyone up one by one from where they've ended up. Considering Legends' rather insane secondary-team turnover rate and actors playing different characters, it's neat that we get a refresher of last season's newcomers Astra, Zari 2.0 and Behrad. Oh, and also Sara's abducted by aliens. David Bowie's here too. It's... it's an all-right debut episode, with a pretty heavy emphasis on 'Sara Lance is the leader of the team, the team kinda has to learn to work together without her'. But the concept of alien abductions (even ones that apparently abducted Spartacus -- is he even a real historical figure?) isn't the most interesting out there in a show that shares a multiverse with Supergirl. So the twist is... Gary's an alien! Who uses glasses to masquerade as a human! It's... it's kind of bullshit-random, but it's exactly the sort of bullshit-random comedy that only really works in a show like this. The episode still ends with Sara and Gary stuck on the alien ship, and a bunch of alien cages tossed into the timeline. Overall, an all-right, if slightly low-key, season opener. 

Episode 2: Meat the Legends

The main plot for this one actually would make for a pretty cool standalone alien monster concept in itself, although of course Legends basically takes it to its logically most ridiculous conclusion. The main idea is the dynamic between the desperate Ava and the unwilling new member Spooner, whose superpower is being an alien radar. Turns out, though, that the alien in this case is the secret meat juice being served in the proto-Big-Belly-Burger that causes anyone who eats it to have an intense craving for meat, fattening themselves up for a fake Mothra alien to consume. Pretty fun hijinks all around, even if I really didn't care for the Zari/Behrad subplot about sharing their ring or whatever. Because this is Legends, that particular plot point is quite literally handwaved by Zari 1.0 randomly splitting the wind totem into two. Sure!

The B-plot involves Sara and Gary running around the alien planet of Gary's employer, and they meet "Amelia Earheart", who also turns out to be a hostile force. It's slow burn, and this ends up feeling like the counterpart to the Constantine storyline in the previous season that has a different tone and is kind of divorced from the rest of the season. 

Episode 3: The Ex Factor

Not the biggest fan of this one, to be honest, although it might be my personal apathy towards the genre that this episode is parodying -- reality talent shows. The idea is fun -- a seemingly-robotic alien arrives and is driven by a prime directive to challenge and kill the king of the planet. Due to miscommunication, he decides to kill Zari 2.0's ex-boyfriend, DJ S'mores, otherwise known as the guy with a marshmallow on his head. Due to threat of an armada of alien warships blowing up Earth, our heroes decide to smuggle in Zari as the competitor to defeat Lord Knoxacrillion in a talent show. It's some Rick & Morty plot, and... and this episode tries to give a bunch of drama to Constantine and Zari's not-relationship, but while the acting and especially singing is pretty neat, I really didn't care for the romance. There are also a lot of weird sub-plots that really didn't go nowhere, like Zari's mother or her treacherous assistant or Zari's brand losing credibility in 2045... I dunno. The episode was fun, but it feels like there are chunks missing from this one. The B-plot is Ava and Spooner confronting Mick for being a jackass throughout the first couple of episodes, which is neat. 

Meanwhile, Gary eats people, Sara is suffering from infections and hallucinations, and the planet's full of Ava Sharpe clones. 

Episode 4: Bay of Squids

Eh. I guess I probably would've cared more about this episode if they didn't go so over-the-top with the caricatures of the Cuban Missile crisis era historical characters? Admittedly, this kind of comedy is very much on-brand with the show, but this time I just really didn't care for any of them at all. I guess it's a lot less funny when these are the guys are only separated from us by a single generation? Not a huge fan of how global the change in history for this episode is either, though as this episode itself notes, legends has really stopped giving two shits about whether time travel works. Not a particularly huge fan of the Behrad B-plot, or the shipping-flirting bit between Nate and Zari, or the something-something-football sequence. 

Ava and Mick's arguments, though? With Mick trying to show that he's more of a thug, and Ava being so angry about everything that she drives Mick away? That's actually pretty well-acted. The twist that the alien is actually Gary's ex-fiancee Kayla and she's hanging out with Mick on the Waverider is okay, too. But otherwise, this one doesn't do it for me. 

Episode 5: The Satanists Apprentice

A bit of a weird one? I really didn't think we're going to get too much out of Astra after the previous season, but this episode is a huge focus for her, as she gets increasingly frustrated because John Constantine's way too horny with Zari and distracted to actually teach her how to live in the real world. The actor playing Astra is pretty fun, and at least Astra goes through a character arc here? I really didn't feel like it was interesting enough to be the main focus for the entire episode. Alistair Crowley the evil painting talking about the alien 'Fountain of Imperium' or whatever is a neat tie-in to the rest of the season, but most of the story in this one is pretty obvious. There's the whole Disney animated sequence in the end that is well-animated, but is also basically a joke stretched a bit too far. It's not the most exciting episode, but it's a neat one and I enjoyed it more than the Cuban one. 

After an episode of skipping them, we get to check in on Sara, who meets 'Bishop', the last human on whatever apocalyptic future he's from, who wants to recreate the human race after his extinction. He's also responsible for making the Ava clones, and he wants to make half-human, half-alien hybrids with the aliens he's captured. There's a B-plot of Sara being duped by the very obviously loyal-to-Bishop Ava clone. I mean, it sure is a B-plot and a revelation?

Episode 6: Bishop's Gambit

An... interesting one? I'm still not the biggest fan of the alien-planet storyline. Part of it is admittedly because Bishop isn't particularly engaging as a villain, and the twist that he's actually a clone of himself and the facility is set to make new Bishop clones if Sara kills them isn't really particularly threatening. But the revelation that the Sara we've been following throughout these episodes is actually technically Sara Lance 2.0, and the real Sara died when she fought Amelia Earheart is kinda well-done. We don't actually explore the angst behind this too much, though. The rest of the planetary stuff involves Mick and Kayla basically working through clenched teeth and eventually fucking in an alien pod. Okay, sure. There's also a sub-plot of Sara actually for-reals converting the Ava clones to her side, which I really didn't care about. 

The rest of the Legends hang out in Constantine's manor, driving him crazy. They eventually find Amelia Earheart and the Waverider, which conveniently crash-land in that specific time. Not... not a particularly huge fan of the story here, honestly, though I suppose the real focus of the episode is the off-world stuff. Spooner (who's still mostly a cipher) turn out to be the same sort of half-human, half-alien hybrid as Amelia, and communicate with alien-Amelia long enough for the guys to learn that Sara is dead. Also, there's a very vague sub-plot going between this one and the next of John Constantine losing his magic and having to let Astra do the magic for him, and he's hiding it from Zari? Eh. 

Episode 7: Back to the Future, Part II

Not the biggest fan of the previous two episodes, but this one is actually kind of fun. With everyone thinking that Sara is dead, the Legends team go back to... to whatever time period the previous season ended in order to enact some time paradox moment. It's mostly just fluff, since they didn't manage to actually do anything (going through with the mannequin plan would cause some sort of alternate timeline with eyepatch Nate). The focus here is less on the time travel hijinks and more on our heroes meeting and talking to Sara, though, and eventually realizing that they shouldn't go through with their history-altering plan? Or something? Behrad and Astra have a talk about how sometimes they have to do things otherwise they'll regret it in the future. Okay, sure. Spooner gets a pretty cool talk with Sara, too.

In space, Mick, Kayla, Gary and Sara plan to get out, but Sara, realizing that she's been spliced with another alien, thinks that she's a monster and wants to create a fully-human clone of herself before leaving the planet. There's an actually pretty cool moment when Sara has to choose between sacrificing her human body in exchange for stopping Bishop's resurrection permanently, leading to a pretty cool speech from Mick. Otherwise, though, it's mostly action scenes. Also, Kayla gets left behind and seemingly killed. And then everyone returns, gets reunited, and the episode closes with Sara proposing to Ava. 

_________________________

Overall... this half season had some fun moments. I don't think it's quite as solid as the previous seasons, though -- I still think that a lot of the newer additions like Behrad and Spooner still feel as ciphers, and the show really feels like it sometimes doesn't know what to do with some of the other characters like Nate and even Constantine in this arc. Sara, Mick and Ava all get pretty good storylines here, if you don't try to think too hard about how everything really works -- none of the timey-wimey stuff really hold up in previous seasons, but I think it's even worse in this one. Still, as the show itself wink-wink tells us, it's not like that's the top of the show's storytelling priorities. 

Helstrom Season One Review

Helstrom [2021]

I have watched a bunch of superhero adaptations that I knew were 'orphaned' in its first season. DC's Constantine (which would eventually be picked up, in spirit, by the CW) and Swamp Thing (due to budgetary reasons) were both supernatural-themed superhero shows that were cancelled after their first season. Helstrom was... a bit of a different beast. It was meant to be part of the quasi-MCU television universe where they are technically kind of set in the same MCU universe, but the mainline movies won't ever reference the shows. It's produced by Hulu, which also made Runaways and Cloak and Dagger, and, as I remember, it's also meant to be part of a greater horror/supernatural project for Marvel characters. Only... the Disney+ streaming service happened. Most of the other Netflix and Hulu Marvel TV projects were, at least, allowed to end in their final seasons. Poor Helstrom debuted last year with little fanfare, and while it was produced with being part of the Marvel universe in mind, by the time it reached the air it didn't even have the Marvel logo left. 

Still, it was a superhero show, and I am at least tangentially familiar with who Hellstorm (a.k.a. "Son of Satan", a.k.a. Daimon Helstrom... Marvel comics were never subtle) is as a character. And ten episodes aren't too big of a commitment, especially since the show at least was allowed to wrap up its first-season plotline. It fit with the October Halloween vibe as well, so I watched it. 

I'm not sure how far along production was along when the decision to divorce Helstrom from the rest of its Marvel shows was made, but the final product most certainly stands on its own. Other than a brief cameo by a Roxxon-brand oil truck in an early episode, Helstrom's characters all stand on its own. It's free to tell its story of the two half-demon children Daimon and Satana Ana Helstrom, who are estranged from each other after their demon-possessed dad plagued them when they were children. Daimon is left with his mother Victoria, possessed by a demon (initially called 'Mother', later we know she's called Kthara) and stuck in an asylum. Ana, meanwhile, travels the world and alternates between killing people who deserve it to satiate a niggling urge to kill people, while also looking for supernatural artifacts. 

Each Helstrom sibling comes with their own supportive cast and a surrogate parent. Daimon's surrogate mom is dr. Hastings, who doubles as the doctor who takes care of the asylum that the possessed Victoria is stuck in. He also hangs out with the nun-initiate Gabriella Rosetti, an 'almost nun' from the Vatican who acts as the 'whoa what is all this demon possession stuff' audience surrogate that allows the show to exposition this show's take on demons. Ana hangs out with her partner Chris Yen, a wise-cracking and long-suffering good friend of hers that helps her to stake out victims and manage her artifact business; as well as the enigmatic "Caretaker", her surrogate dad and someone who would later be revealed to be part of the demon-hunting organization called the Blood. 

The show itself has a story that it wants to tell, and, for its credit, a lot of the casting is pretty decent. The Helstrom siblings are at least likable (Sydney Lemmon, who plays Ana, clearly gets a lot more range to do, and is easily the better-written protagonist), and I feel like the unquestioned star of the show is Elizabeth Marvel, who does double duty as the Helstrom mother Victoria Helstrom, but also as the deep-spoken demon Kthara that possesses her, and later on when they get separated. 

The main plot of the season, at least up until the eighth episode, is to free Victoria from the demon tormenting her, and the show itself moves relatively slowly until that happens. More and more demons show up and possess random people (and with the exception of Basar and his Resident Evil ribcage mouth, none of them really look like anything more than angry humans) and for a while, the Helstrom siblings think that their evil father is back. It's not -- it's just one of Kthara's children that masquerades as their dad, which, again, with so many named demons that jump across bodies making it just a bit confusing early on. The fact that among the villains, one of them (Magoth) isn't part of Kthara's little cabal of children, adds to the confusion. 

There's a fun bit of world-building when the various characters find out a bunch of other magical-related stuff. Chris Yen gets accidentally possessed (and turned into) a Keeper Demon, which is a special kind of demon with the ability to suppress other demons. Gabriella gets brought by the Caretaker to see what the Blood is doing, which is to keep the possessed people in a comatose state to keep the demons at bay... and eventually the other non-Caretaker members of the Blood decide to exterminate the Helstrom siblings anyway. 

And then we get the final two episodes -- some of the secondary villains are driven off or dealt with, and in the lull, Kthara and Basar end up possessing Daimon and Gabriella, force them to have sex, and then kidnap Gabriella so she can give birth to Kthara/Mother's new body. There's a rather poorly-handled back-and-forth as Gabriella (who's probably already the least interesting of the supporting cast) vacillates between wanting to keep the baby or to purge it, and then at the end she decides all the half-demons are evil and joins the Blood. For the rather dark tone of the show, it's surprising that all the supporting cast make it out okay -- no one we really care about gets killed, and even dr. Hastings (who has lung cancer) and Yen (who gets the whole Keeper demon thing) both get out okay, with the only real casualty being Yen's relationship with his boyfriend.  

Oh, and "Mother" gets reincarnated into Gabriella's baby, who the Helstrom family decide to raise? Which is a bit of a huge WTF moment, but then the baby gets stolen by Keeper Yen, and then grows to a young child in about a month, at which point the Helstrom siblings's real dad show up to take her away? Yeah, I'm not the biggest fan of the conclusion. I get that it's meant to be a parallel with the parental nurture/demonic nature themes that Daimon and Ana have been sort-of exploring, but the specifics of that part of the plot, plus the frankly unnecessarily gross bit with the rape-pregnancy, kind of took me out of the show in the final episodes. 

The show itself is... it's decent. It lacks a lot of the flair and panache, and for all the talk about the main siblings being half-demons, they really don't do anything too interesting with their supernatural powers. Sure, there's the odd bit of telekinesis and we get a version of Hellstorm's comic-book counterpart's fire trident (it's a spear here) in the final episode, but for the most part their powers are basically whatever's convenient for the plot. As I mention before, I'm not the biggest fan of the final two episodes. Plus, the constant flashbacks to the rather telegraphed backstory of the Helstrom siblings' childhood kind of just drag on and on, and among the siblings Daimon really doesn't get much to do in the first half of the show, sort of spinning his wheels on being the 'good sibling' that stays behind to take care of mom. Still, most of the casting and acting are pretty all right, and the show itself at least works as a spooky demon horror show. The final product ends up being more-or-less okay, but while there's a fair amount to like, Helstrom in general also feels like it's just kind of a generic supernatural spooky show without much of its own identity.

Pokemon: If I Could Retcon Pokemon Types

I had some severe writer's block on what to do for the next 'Reviewing Monsters' segment on the blog, so I decided to go back and do something comfortable instead of stressing it out. Initially I had tried to do a segment on what my own personal fan-made region's roster would be, but I feel that would require some more research onto how Gamefreak sets up their own regions and the Pokemon distributions of said regions. 

Then I tried to do a screenshot let's play of Quarantine Crystal as was requested by some viewers, but after a couple hours of playing and screenshot-taking, turns out that none of the screenshots were saved properly into a computer folder. So nay on that for at least the near future. Maybe just a text playthrough? I'll definitely do one for Legends: Arceus, but I really don't think I'll do one for the Diamond/Pearl remakes. (My brief reaction to the new Pokemon: regional forms are cute but whatever; Basculegion is a 'wtf' in all the best ways; Wyrdeer is more of a 'finally they remembered Stantler' than anything; Kleavor is a 'uhhh' and then a 'whoaaa' when I realized it's an alternate Scyther evolution)

So I took a look back onto my older articles and... and I think this is an interesting enough topic to revisit. With at least an entire generation's worth of Pokemon in-between when I last talked about this, welcome to 2021's iteration of "Types That Don't Make Sense". Or, as I would rather call it, "If I Could Retcon Pokemon Types..."

So the idea is that, well, other than the brief Magnemite retcon and the (not too) huge Fairy-type turnover in Generation VI, I've always thought that Pokemon prided itself in its consistency over generations. Sure, movesets change and sometimes abilities and some of the numbers get swapped around, but the core and essence of the Pokemon can't change, right? Especially the types. But what if Nintendo sat down and did a slow run-down of all the Pokemon and revamped the types? Here's my input on that hypothetical meeting.

This may or may not be the first of a two-parter. Here we go:

Huntail & Gorebyss

I tried to do this in the order of the National Dex, but I ended up giving up and just going 'whatever order makes sense'. And what makes sense for me is to put these two here as the poster guys for "oh yeah, they exist!" I am someone who's easily entertained when a Pokemon is based on an obscure aquatic creature, and even I have trouble remembering Huntail and Gorebyss -- that's without considering that they come in a region that had so many weirdos from the ocean. 

Here's the thing -- Clamperl, the little clam, can evolve into either of these two, a fanged gulper eel and a pipefish-chimera. And neither of them... really have any sort of distinct advantage over the other. It's such a far departure compared to other split evolutions in the past, particularly someone like Eevee... and it's a bit more bizarre because Huntail and Gorebyss, in other adjacent media, were... related to Dark and Psychic respectively. In one of the Pokemon Ranger games, Huntail and Gorebyss had Dark and Psychic assists, and their very first TCG cards had them be Water-types that support -- you guessed it -- Dark and Psychic allied Pokemon. 

And frankly, with how almost every split evolution having a difference in typing, I really wished that this was a thing. Hell, look even at their movesets! When you put them side-by-side, the moves that differ between the two evolutionary lines are Dark-type and Psychic-type respectively. Turning them into Water/Dark and Water/Psychic respectively would really go a long way to making them a lot less forgettable. 

Charizard, Gyarados & Groudon

In a sense, I lump these three together because Nintendo has quietly kinda acknowledged that these guys' typings don't really make sense and retconned them via Mega Evolutions. (Or 'Primal Reversion' for Groudon). Charizard gets to be Fire/Dragon via Mega Charizard X; Gyarados gets to ditch the Flying-type that never did anything to him for the much more appropriate Dark; and Groudon gets to become Ground/Fire. 

And for all three of them, I get the original impetus of the typings they're given. Gyarados is based on one of those koi streamer flags, which billow in the wind; but Gyarados himself is never really shown flying or floating, nor does it learn any flying-type moves. I don't really agree with it being a Dragon either, but Dark type definitely fits Gyarados a lot better. Groudon, in media, has always been associated more with lava than just the ground itself, and I've always felt like Ground/Fire made so much more sense for him. And Charizard... do I really need to say more?

In a slightly lesser sense, I also kinda would prefer for Sceptile, Ampharos and Altaria's mega-typings to be retconned to be their regular typings, but for them I understand why it's a lot less thematic. 

Goodra

While this article is going to be skewed more towards the earlier generations, I'm going to jump back and forth between different ones so as to keep things fresh. Hey, it's Goodra! I really like that they made a slug-dragon in Generation VI and I loved the joke that little blob-slug Goomy is a Dragon-type. But, uh... I'm a bit confused why the entire line stayed a pure Dragon-type when Goomy's evolutionary line is so intrinsically tied to rain and humidity. The evolution from Sliggoo to Goodra only happens when it's raining; they're found mostly in swamps; one of their abilities has to do with rain; and, hell, their moveset has more Water-type moves than Dragon-type moves. 

Either Goomy going from pure-Water and evolving into Water/Dragon in the final stage (which is a lot less funny) or my preferred one, just changing Goodra into Water/Dragon while keeping Goomy and Sliggoo pure-Dragon, would've really worked wonders in making Goodra make more sense, but probably a lot more useful. 

Ninetales

The advent of regional variants does end up making me look back at their original versions (or 'Kantonian', if you want to use the in-universe term. If you guys forgot, Alolan Ninetales is an Ice/Fairy Pokemon, which makes sense! Ninetales is always been a Pokemon that's a lot more mystical and aloof, being based on a supernatural yokai in the first place that's infamous for doing a lot of things that the Western world would associate with the fair folk. And with Alolan Ninetales turned into Ice/Fairy, I'm frankly kind of surprised that original-flavour Ninetales didn't get an upgrade into a Fire/Fairy Pokemon herself. 

Rookidee & Corvisquire

The 'early route bird' of Galar is memorable for having its first two stages be pure-Flying instead of Normal/Flying like all the other birds. The only other pure-Flying Pokemon we've had before is the humanoid legendary god of wind, Tornadus. I do like the idea that birds also represent pure-Flying. The problem? There's nothing in Rookiedee and Corvisquire's design that tell me that they are more 'Flying' than Spearow or Taillow or Pikipek or Starly. They're just birds drawn in the Pokemon art-style, and either we turn all the birds into pure-Flying, or these two should be Normal/Flying as well, just for my desire for consistency. 

Lugia

I'm repeating some of the entries in my half-decade-old article, but past-me did make some good points. Lugia, in-canon, is Psychic/Flying. I get that. Lugia uses his Psychic abilities to create the gigantic whirlpools in Whirl Islands, as well as to create the massive storms. And he's a giant bird whose special move is 'Aeroblast', of course it's Flying-type. But Lugia is also a mostly-aquatic dinosaur-bird that's almost always associated with the ocean. Every single time Lugia has shown up in a main-series game, he's been located in an underwater area or a cave very much associated with the ocean.

For the life of me, I've never understood why Lugia was not Water/Flying, other than the fact that Psychic-type was the 'uber' type back then and they wanted one of the marquee Pokemon for Gold/Silver to be Psychic-type as well to be a counterpart to Mewtwo. Unlike Huntail and Gorebyss up above, the TCG is even more blatant, actually printing Water-type Lugia several times instead of just associating the type as part of the card text or whatnot. 

Well, it's been a long time and we've had so many uber-powerful weather-controlling Water-type legendaries that I definitely would put Lugia on the retcon list if we're doing one. Maybe another potential article would be 'what Pokemon I would retcon into triple-types, if triple-types existed as a system in Pokemon'? Lugia would be Psychic/Water/Flying, Stunfisk would be Water/Ground/Electric, Charizard would be Fire/Flying/Dragon, Venomoth and Beedrill would be Bug/Poison/Flying...

Glalie

Two potential retcon types that I feel I could make decent arguments for here -- Ice/Dark or Ice/Fairy. It's always struck me as kind of unfortunate that Snorunt's other evolution, Froslass, became Ice/Ghost, whereas Glalie just stayed a mono Ice-type. And it's... it's such a weird design, such a fun design, but also something that I felt was creepy enough to really deserve an extra typing beyond Ice. If not for Glalie, then for Mega Glalie. 

Ice/Dark would be obvious. I mean, just look at him! Or read any of his dex entries, a couple of them talks about how he freezes his prey solid and takes time to eat them alive. But Ice/Fairy would work as well not just for Glalie, but for Snorunt as well -- Snorunt is based on the fairy-like koro-pok-guru of the Ainu mythology, and I feel like that would work very well if we're doing a more extensive overhaul. On a personal sense, just like dragon!Goomy, I also would love the oddity of fairy!Glalie as well.

Zeraora
I admit that I really don't know a whole ton about Zeraora, having never watched his debut movie, but really, looking at the brief scenes online he's basically an Electric-type Lucario, isn't he? His signature move is even 'Plasma Fists', something straight out of a fighting game. So kind of a no-brainer, Electric/Fighting. Which, by the way, is the only type combination Electric doesn't have yet. What gives, Nintendo? This guy could've been so much more interesting. 

Ledian

Speaking of Fighting types, we jump from a legendary all the way to one of the most humble Pokemon ever, an early-route bug that doesn't even have a third stage. But Ledian's whole deal is that she punches a lot. The whole design of Ledyba and Ledian extends around the fact that they have punching gloves as fists, and they learn moves like Comet Punch. So yeah, making Ledian into a Bug/Fighting seems like a way to lean into this and really make this otherwise forgettable bug stand out just a bit from the rest of the Bug/Flying's out there. I mean, hell, if Breloom counts as a Fighting-type...

Celebi & Jirachi

Celebi maybe a little less so than Jirachi, but these two are... they're basically what would be Grass/Fairy and Steel/Fairy respectively instead of being psychic-types if they were released post-XY, wouldn't they? It's just that back in the day, the 'supernatural' type is just Psychic. And sure, time-traveling does sound like a more sci-fi (and therefore, more 'Psychic') ability than something that would fall under the umbrella of Fairy-typing, but it's kind of splitting hairs at this point. They're legendaries, after all!

And Jirachi's a dang wish-granting millennial being connected to the stars. I don't know. That sounds like something quite fairy-esque, don't you think? Even with the argument that the extraterrestrial is connected with the Psychic-type, then that would just make me argue for Jirachi being Psychic/Fairy instead. I don't know. It just always struck me as hilarious that Jirachi shared the same typing as Metagross, the telekinetic robot crab. 

I don't want this to just be me talking about all the other event-mythical Pokemon, so consider Manaphy, Victini and Meloetta also included here as 'yeah, they all could be fairies too'. 

Uxie, Mesprit & Azelf

Speaking of being fairies, these three guys! The Lake Guardians! The lake imps! They represent knowledge, emotions and... whatever Azelf represents. Desire or determination or something. Pure-Psychic feels kind of mundane for them, though. They're lake guardians, so maybe the three of them could be Water/Psychic? Let's pretend I talk about another paragraph of fairy pixies and how these guys can also be fairies, and maybe they are Fairy or Fairy/Psychic? 

Actually, maybe we can get a combination of types, to make these three guys not just literally the same thing with different artwork? One of them could be Water/Psychic, another one Fairy/Psychic, and another one... pure Psychic or pure Fairy?

Bellossom & Tsareena

A pair of final-stage Grass-types that I feel could've had a lot more to them. Bellossom, in particular, has to contend with her own alternate evolution, the Grass/Poison Vileplume. Being pure-Grass and losing on type coverage always felt like a bit of a disadvantage and a downer for Bellossom, and I actually speculated that Bellossom was going to become Grass/Fairy back when Generation VI was announced. Bellossom doesn't look particularly Fairy-esque in the way that some of the more explicit post-XY fairies are, but neither are Mr. Mime or Granbull. Definitely would be something pretty cool and would give Bellossom something special.

Tsareena I just lump in here because I always thought that she was Grass/Fighting thanks to her signature move, Trop Kick, and I definitely think that it'd add just that extra oomph and pizazz for her evolution from Steenee to Tsareena.

Palkia

This was my #1 pick in my older article. Palkia doesn't bug me as much anymore nowadays, but... still, Palkia's design and concept really has nothing to do with the Water-type. The only real connection I can see is that Palkia represents Pokemon Pearl and pearls are found in the ocean, which is about as relevant as insisting that Dialga should be ground-type because diamonds are found underground.

Palkia, I feel, isn't as bad as some of the others here mostly because... well, as a space-god-dragon, I really don't think of any type I would more readily associate with him. Psychic/Dragon, I guess? Kind of bitch-basic, but we do associate teleportation, i.e. the manipulation of space-time, with Psychic. 

Golduck

Another very easy one -- Psyduck is the most associated with having powerful Psychic powers in practically every media he's shown up in. And sure, I get it, Psyduck's name in Japanese doesn't actually have 'psy' in it. But there's no stopping them from turning Golduck, the badass evolution, into a proper Water/Psychic, right? Not really a whole ton for me to elaborate here. 

Gligar & Gliscor

We'll end this with another one that's always bugged me (bug, get it, ha). Gligar and Gliscor are, conceptually, flying scorpions. They're bat-scorpions! Which is a very cool concept. They fly, so they're Flying-type. That's obvious, that's appropriate! What about their second type, then? Bug-type, since they're bugs? Bug/Flying? No? No problem, lots of Pokemon that are based on arthropods don't necessarily have the bug typing if there are more appropriate types out there. Ask Flygon! Or Drapion! Bug/Flying's kind of boring, too, I agree. What, then? Poison-type, since scorpions are most well-known for being poisonous? Poison/Flying? No? Okay, then. Let's look at its movepool... mostly Bug and Normal moves. Normal/Flying? No? Gligar's too weird to be Normal? I agree. A couple of Dark-type moves, maybe Dark/Flying? Gligar seems more cheeky than 'dark', but Gliscor can be pretty mean. No?

...Ground. Gligar is part-Ground. I still don't really understand it. It lives in caves or something, sure, but Paras isn't ground-type. Zubat isn't ground-type. Sableye isn't ground-type. Roggenrola isn't ground-type. Gligar doesn't even learn a single Ground-type move other than Sand Attack. Out of all the Pokemon here, I think Gligar and Gliscor has the most loose association with its canon typing, and probably the one that I'd change the most easily. 

Honourable Mentions:

• Anyone with a part-Normal typing that's not Normal/Flying, a baby (since they gain typings when they evolve) or Girafarig (who has the palindrome thing as an excuse). Because there really is no reason, from a lore or gameplay perspective, for Pyroar to be Normal/Fire when Arcnanine is pure Fire; no reason for Sawsbuck to be Normal/Grass when Gogoat is pure Grass, et cetera.
• Chansey & Audino: Fairy, if only for consistency's sake. I've never really got what makes Audino and Chansey more 'normal' than Jigglypuff, Clefairy or any of the other pink-blobs. A lot of the 'healers' in newer generations like Comfey or Ribombee have all been associated with the Fairy type anyway, so...
• Basculin: Water/Dark. This guy was in my older article, and while I don't think it's quite as necessary for Basculin, he is an angry scrappy fish. And being angry and scrappy most certainly qualifies you for being a Grass-type in Pokemon. 
• Hoopa: Fairy/Dark. I know Generation VI does have a plethora of Fairy-types, but it is the Fairy generation. I get why Hoopa is Ghost-type in his regular form (and Dark in his unbound form) but the Psychic one... I don't know, a wish-granting genie that plays pranks does feel more like a 'fairy' than an 'esper', wouldn't you say?
• Drapion: This is one from my older article and it's honestly just here because it constantly confuses me. Drapion is Poison/Dark, and this does not incorporate the Bug-type at all despite him being, y'know, a giant scorpion. I always think he's Bug/Dark or Bug/Poison, but that's more of my personal hang-ups more than anything. Skorupi being actually Bug/Poison doesn't help either. 
• Comfey: Fairy/Grass. I forget Comfey exists all the time, but he's a fairy shaped like a flower that collects flowers. If Klefki is a fairy that's shaped like a key and collects keys and is a part-Steel, then Comfey should also be part-Grass. 
• The Flabebe Line: Fairy/Grass. For the same reason as above. Or at the very least just Florges. Flabebe and Floette at least are just holding their flower. Florges have straight-up merged and turned into a walking garden. 
• Noctowl: Psychic/Flying. Now I get that he's an early-game bird, and early-game birds aren't supposed to be that powerful, but I always found it odd that Noctowl has access to some Psychic moves, has a lot of Psychic-esque features particularly in the anime, but is just a normal owl? Dark/Flying would work too, I suppose, although flavour-wise Noctowl isn't actually that dastardly.
• Inkay: Psychic. Just Inkay. Listen, though -- the whole idea is that you have to flip Inkay upside-down to turn him into Malamar, and Malamar is a much more dastardly-looking character than Inkay is. With Gen VI also having Pancham gaining the Dark type through bad influences, I feel like it's a lot more thematic for Inkay to start off a pure-Psychic that gets turned upside-down and became literally dark/evil.
• The Rhydon Line: Rock or Ground. Considering how rocky Rhyhorn looks and how Rhyperior shoots rocks, I'm leaning more towards pure-Rock. I've never really understood them being Rock/Ground; sure, Rhydon has a drill, but I don't feel like the Rhydon line particularly embodies the Ground-type the way someone like Dugtrio does. It's a bit of a pet peeve, but comparing them to all the other Rock/Ground types out there does make Rhyhorn kind of stand out a bit.
• Suicune: Water/Ice. Far more associated with the creation of giant crystals, particularly in the manga and in Pokken. The only reason this is an honourable mention is that it'd break the symmetry with the mono-typed Raikou and Entei, but it's not like Gamefreak has been a stranger to favouring a member of a trio more than its siblings, *cough*Charizard*cough*.
• Croagunk/Toxicroak: I really like their typing (Poison/Fighting), which is why they're not up above, but I've always felt like the Croagunk line really should be Poison/Dark. 
• Lycanroc (Midnight): On the same vein, I feel like the design of Midnight Lycanroc really is setting it up to be Rock/Dark type, and it would really add something extra to a difference in the forms. 

Fomantis and Lurantis are not here because they are a reverse orchid mantis and I get the joke, they're a plant that only mimics bugs; a reversal of real-life bugs that mimic plants. They make sense to me!

This was fun! I tried not to be too anal in this one. Maybe a potential follow-up that doesn't list another bunch of Pokemon whose types I want changed would be one centered exclusively on Fairy-types (I think I could make a case for Zoroark, Vanilitte, Cincinno, Jynx or Gothitelle being fairies) and how the pre-Gen-VI could've been more extensively revised to incorporate Fairies. Or one with triple-types like I mentioned with Lugia above...