Kamen Rider Saber 34 + Movie Review: How To Write A Villain

Kamen Rider Saber, Movie + Episodes 34

Okay, so before I watch episode 34, turns out that something that happened in last year's winter film is relevant here, so have a sneaky little extra review here where I talk about the movie as well!

Kamen Rider Saber: The Phoenix Swordsman and the Book of Ruin

My original review for this movie was standalone and was very... vitriolic. I guess I was just feeling particularly grumpy when I woke up to review this the first time around? I didn't post it on this blog, and deleted it. The thing is, though... most of my opinions about this movie more or less still stands. 

The thing is, most anime movies or standalone movies for franchises aimed at children tend to have a very bland formula that you can basically apply and swap out the specific pronouns with the characters from the show. A new villain shows up, and he wants to bring ruin and devastation with the world with a spooky plot device! Usually the villain has some vague connection to the lore, but nothing too deep! The good guys show up, find out the villain's backstory, the side characters fight the villain's lieutenants while the main character deliver a big inspirational speech and take down the big bad. New movie-exclusive forms tend to also show up. 

The thing is, "Phoenix Swordsman and the Book of Ruin" is billed as a 'short film', and it has a runtime of 20 minutes. I'm too lazy to count how long the opening song runs, but I think this episode might be barely longer than a regular episode of Saber? And I know -- this is because of the pandemic. 'Phoenix Swordsman' basically replaces the 20-minute Super Sentai movie that tends to get double-billed with the longer one-hour Kamen Rider movie (we'll eventually cover the Zero-One movie), presumably because the cast of Saber is easier to film with in a corona-safe environment or something?

Still, it really feels like this was put together at the last minute. The movie starts off with Bacht (sometimes translated as Bahato, played by Kamen Rider Amazon Alpha) showing up out of nowhere and talking about how everything will return to the void. We get literally three or four lines from Tassel yelling at how "Bacht was sealed in a book, he's a forbidden swordsman, we're doomed if he's not stopped!" and that off-handed remark is basically all we get about Bacht's backstory in the movie. 

And the rest of the 15 minute runtime of the short movie is basically showing all the Swordsmen (the wiki identifies this movie as taking place between episodes 10 and 11) show up and fight against generic goons. Saber at least has a pretty diverse cast, and it's nice to see Espada again, but ultimately it's just Touma fighting Bacht and yelling at him a lot about how humanity is good and stuff, while Bacht says generic 'the world deserves to be destroyed because power is the root of conflict' stuff. The action scenes are pretty all-right when it's not a CGI fest like the finale, and Bacht has the more-interesting-on-paper ability to revive. Ultimately Touma's great emotions summons a couple extra dragons and transforms him into Emotional Dragon, the movie-exclusive form, and the dragons seal Bacht back into the book. 

And honestly... again, I don't want to be too harsh on this. It's hard to quickly make a movie during a pandemic, and from the sounds of it, it seems like the Saber movie was pretty last-minute. But it also does end up feeling like they did the bare bones of what's required for them to call it a full story, and there's honestly nothing interesting about Kamen Rider Falchion other than the casting gag that he's basically an egg-less PG-13 version of Takayama Jin from Amazons. Ultimately, this movie is kind of skippable. 

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Episode 34: Wake Up, Immortal Swordsman

Of course, things change with episode 34, when Bacht actually shows up in the show! Not as a guest-star like the many different Gaim movie villain or as a flashback like the Build movie villain, but, it seems, as a recurring secondary character that'll be with us for more or less the long haul. And with more time to flesh out Bacht's character, I actually end up finding that I like him a fair bit more than I did in the movie!

Master Logos sends Durendal and Sabela out to hunt down Touma and his friends as per usual, but then he pulls out a book and summons Bacht. And unlike the movie, it seems that Bacht's resurrection or unsealing or whatever is complete since he doesn't have the weird fish-scale tattoos that he has in the movie. Master Logos talks about how he seeks the world's destruction, and Bacht, being the fight-happy lunatic that he is, eagerly accepts. 

Meanwhile, continuing the trend of Touma fighting everyone he's buddies with at least once, Touma fights Yuuri on the side of the street in an attempt to trigger the same book-glowing reaction that breached the universes and showed Luna to him last episode. This is just something that gets them isolated so Bacht can show up and fight them. We get a brief flashback to the movie and honestly, people who didn't watch the movie really didn't miss anything about Bacht's backstory. This episode alone brings a bit more depth to Bacht beyond 'the world is fucked, time to blow up the world' generic rantings by revealing that Bacht knows Yuuri from the past, and he's pretty pissed off at him. 

Bacht transforms into Kamen Rider Falchion in a frankly far, far cooler shot than he had in the movie, and we get a fight between Falchion and the duo of Saber and Saikou. In the distance, Reika watches the master's 'hunting dog' and all these episodes have really been building up that Reika's starting to question what Master Logos's logic is in all this. Falchion shows off his power to nullify the powers of other sacred swords with his Unsigned Blade -- I legitimately don't remember if this was something we know from the movie or not, because frankly I'm a bit too tired to go back and rewatch the movie again. But the book Mei is holding glows, and Saber suddenly gets the power to knock Falchion back, and he walks off laughing about how Touma is 'the chosen one'. Oh, and another rift showing Luna shows up again, but once more Touma can't get his old friend out. 

Yuuri gives us the backstory about Bacht, and, well, this really makes me be interested in Bacht more than Tassel's thirty-second exposition dump! Not just because we take the time to see his backstory, but because it ties into one of our protagonists as well. Turns out that Yuuri and Bacht are in the same ancient order of knights a thousand years in the past. There was a third member of their group, but the third member got seduced with power, killed Bacht's family and drove Bacht into despair. Pretty simple and frankly generic backstory, but that bit alone suddenly adds so much more depth to why Bacht is so hell-bent on his view that 'power corrupts, humans desire power, therefore humans are corrupt and the world must be destroyed' credo. We also get the revelation that Yuuri is the one who sealed Bacht up in the past after seeing his friend go absolutely lunatic. And suddenly the upcoming buildup to a confrontation ends up making this so much more interesting than 'hey, let's get the movie villain back in the show'. 

And, hey, Yuuri himself, who has been driven by this vague, vapid sense of 'humanity is interesting' also suddenly gains a bit more emotional and thematic depth. He has been through the same thing, being part of a group of friends who fell apart due to treachery. This even explains his lack of hope for humanity when he first shows up, and gives so much more weight when he tells Touma to 'trust your friends'. 

Underneath the toku bridge, Rintarou is looking for Ren, but ends up finding Durendal. Rintarou turns into his brand new final form and faces off against Durendal and for his credit, Rintarou's actually winning the fight, it seems, using a backwards ice blast to counter Durendal's one-note Kaiji Erasure tricks. Falchion shows up and starts fighting everyone, going for Durendal first because he has calls him 'master's rabid hunting dog'. Durendal runs away while Blades fights Falchion in the toku warehouse. Blades actually beats him, too, blowing Falchion up with a finisher... but Falchion just uses his phoenix powers to re-manifest behind Blades and beat him down. 

Touma, Mei and Yuuri show up to stop Bacht from killing Rintarou. Kento also shows up, and both Kento and Bacht tell Touma that he can't save the world. Yuuri gets angry at Kento for not believing in his comrade, and Bacht gets angry at Yuuri for talking about comradeship after cutting him down in the past, to which Yuuri counters that he is now putting his faith in humanity once more. I do like this sequence -- Bacht and Yuuri's relationship isn't exactly a parallel to Touma and Kento's, but the fact that it's not a direct parallel actually makes it like it so much more. Everyone transforms and fights each other, and in the process Yuuri gets hit by both Falchion and Calibur's finishing moves and gets sealed up by Kento, disappearing into his sword. 

And then Falchion unleashes yet another finishing phoenix blast thing at the stunned Touma, but Kento jumps in and tanks the blow. He really doesn't want Touma to die, but fuck everyone else, I guess? They chase Falchion off while Reika uses her smoke powers to steal Yuuri's sword and books. I'm not the biggest fan of Kento's emo phase, but at least I have a bit more faith that the writers are doing something with him. The episode ends with Falchion leaving after Touma and Kento team up... and then Luna shows up in the flesh! Cliffhanger!

Honestly, I found myself really not caring for the Luna storyline, which I felt has been dragged on for too long and my feeling is mostly just indifference at this point. But it's also pretty neat to finally get some payoff and conclusions, and bringing Bacht back went from me going 'oh, man, this is just going to be yet another character tossed into an overcrowded show' into 'they took the one-note flat movie villain and suddenly made him and a secondary protagonist so much more intriguing'. Pretty cool that they did that!

Movie Review: Kamen Rider J

Kamen Rider J [1994]

A year after the attempted reboot with Kamen Rider ZO, they decided to do another movie, and this one, Kamen Rider J, is probably the one that's most memorable to modern audiences. Because of the three in-between stepchildren of the Kamen Riders, Kamen Rider J is the one with the most memorable gimmick, and one that is prominently used anytime there's a huge "let's show off all our Kamen Riders here" movie... J is the one that becomes a giant. He never gets a line and he never really does anything important in any of the movies, usually just the source of a quick huge impressive scene (most memorably for me in the Gaim Showa-vs-Heisei movies; and in two Decade-centric movies). 

But he has a movie of his own, another 40+ minute affair like his predecessor (and doppelganger), Kamen Rider ZO. And watching the two movies back-to-back it's kind of interesting. ZO is definitely the more solid movie, with a more tighter and solid plot, but said plot is so repetitive in terms of a Kamen Rider show. Whereas J's storyline is... it's interesting. It's certainly not a new concept, and I'm pretty sure I've seen this a lot in like, Doraemon or whatever, but I don't think Kamen Rider has actually done anything with a heavy 'save the nature' theme, huh? Which is actually kind of surprising, considering how you'd think that would be an easy well to draw from. But oh well.

In addition to starring the big J himself (J stands for Jumbo, apparently, according to the creators), Kamen Rider J is notable for starring Sentai alumnus Yuta Mochizuki, otherwise known as Geki, Tyranno Ranger of Kyoryu Sentai Zyuranger fame. Oh, and having one of the monsters be called Agito, which, let me tell you, is kind of surreal to see and hear. 

The approach to this movie is basically the opposite of ZO, with not a whole ton of mystery or exposition. The bad guys show up, monologue, kidnap the obligatory child-in-distress and the whole 48-hour movie is just Kamen Rider J fighting against a little series of miniboss kaijin enemies before finally fighting the main villain. The introduction is quick -- the Fog Empire are aliens on an alien ship looking for food (they're apparently responsible for the dinosaur extinction by eating the dinosaurs millions of years ago), for some reason they decide to kidnap Kouji Segawa's little sister Kana and go through a very elaborate ritual to feed her to the children of the Fog Mother. Kouji himself is an environmentalist taking photographs to investigate pollution of a random lake. Kouji gets murdered by the three goons Agito, Zuu and Garai... but almost as quickly, gets resurrected by a bunch of 'Earth Spirits', who handwave their existence and infuse Kouji with the powers of Kamen Rider J. Oh, and he also gets a talking grasshopper friend called Berry. Which... uh... yeah. 

No time to think about the bizarreness of everything, because Kouji gets tossed straight into non-stop battles with very brief cutscenes to dead animals and pollution, and Fog Mother being a generic evil monster! The first fight with Agito (hee) is probably the highlight, although part of it might just be because I do like the Agito suit. It's got a Godzilla monster vibe to it. He then gets kidnapped by Zuu, who dies anticlimactically, then fights Garai while Kana nearly gets herself fed to a bunch of (actually very cool looking) nasty alien worm-bugs. There's a pretty random bit where Kamen Rider J gets beaten by a bunch of flesh-wall props, but then the power of the earth and nature (tm) pull off a deus ex machina, and allow Kamen Rider to go gigantic, save Kana and beat the shit out of Fog Mother's true form, which is a giant mountain-sized spaceship. 

And you know what? The actual Ultraman/Sentai giant monsters duking it out is actually quite neat, and there's always the novelty of Kamen Rider never actually having something like this before. No complaints here, the exploding prop buildings are pretty neat, and while Kamen Rider J doing a little "J" pose with his fingers after his transformation and finishers is a bit lame, it's at least something that makes him stand out compared to his doppelganger ZO. (The two suits actually have different accents side-by-side, but honestly, considering how these guys never really had much of an exposure, it's easy to handwave them as looking near-identical). It's just real hard to say anything much because this is just a single, standalone project. 

Ultimately, though, there's some... neat concepts here. The giant form, obviously, as is the idea of a straight up alien empire as an enemy... both concepts that are admittedly cribbed and used a lot in other tokusatsu shows like Ultraman and Sentai. But, again, even if the movie itself is pretty thin in terms of depth and characterization, it sort of succeeds in being just a simple one-off tokusatsu movie? Both the three mid-Showa, mid-Heisei riders are honestly kind of quaint and part of me really wished that someone could've done more with them in subsequent entries, but at the same time there's also so little material around them that the producers probably thought 'why bother'? At least Toei likes ZO, J and Shin enough to count them among the 'main riders', so even if they don't do a lot, at least they keep showing up in random movie here and there. This movie is... well, it's not a bad 45 minutes to spend; I've certainly watched much worse tokusatsu than this. 

Kamen Rider Saber E32-33 Review: Glorious Hair

Kamen Rider Saber, Episodes 32-33

Episode 32: My Thoughts, Crystallized

Unlike 30 and 31, these two episodes aren't exactly packaged as a two-parter. In fact, had this episode happened a bit earlier in the show, I would probably call this something like a 'mid-season' episode or something. Though I dunno, maybe I just like Kamen Rider Blades more than I realized?

Anyway, Master Logos and Storius are basically buddies at this point, and they decide to properly mount an assault on Northern Base. Master Logos apparently has a magic arrow that he launches halfway across the globe, disabling the magical barrier that has been protecting Northern Base all this while. And to that I say okay? We get a very cool sequence of the Shindai siblings showing up and fighting against the remaining swordsmen that can still transform. Meanwhile, Storious and Zooius (who gets a fancy new black-and-red repainted suit) sneak into another part of Northern Base while using the Shindai siblings as a distraction. 

The cast split up and fight the threats. We get a very cool double-henshin between Sabela and Durendal as they walk down the stairs on either side of Northern Base, and they face off against Saber and Saikou. Meanwhile, super-Zooius just beats up poor Ogami before he gets a chance to transform, and faces off against Rintarou. All the while, Storius slinks around to steal stuff. I do like the little bit of Touma arguing with the Shindai siblings, who are basically fanatics who will never believe that Master Logos is anything but justice. Eventually the battle devolves into just Durendal facing off against Saber and Saikou, and the entirety of their side of the battle is basically just Touma figuring out how Durendal's time powers work. 

And... and maybe it's because I've watched/read at least three different time powers in JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, so I'm a bit underwhelmed? Durendal's Kaiji Erasure thing is sort of like a Za Warudo imitation. But it's not even about the time-stopping powers, which is still pretty cool; it's the fact that Touma sort of just gets the power to overcome it and 'see' into the stopped time for... no adequate reason? Okay, sure. It makes for a fight that's different, at least, extending beyond the honestly repetitive clash-clash-clash-giant-CGI-attack. The fight is paced reasonably well, and we get something interesting on Durendal -- Master Logos recalls the siblings back, but Durendal gives into his bloodlust and almost kills Yuuri before he gets teleported back to Southern Base. 

The rest of the fights sort of trade enemies. Buster holds off Zooius but eventually gets pummeled off-screen, while Rintarou goes off to rescue Sophia, Mei and Dashinji from Sabela. Sabela also stole the books and the sealed swords -- this is all something that happens offscreen, and I didn't realize until writing this review that she did that. Anyway, all this builds up to Rintarou facing off against super-Zooius, and it sort of acts as an epilogue to his character arc over the past couple of episodes, where he gives an inspiring speech about how his power and pride as a swordsman is to protect people who are dear to him. Rintarou's speech transforms the magical book powering Northern Base into yet another power-up, but this one is a cool one! Tategami Hyoujuu Senki (Blizzard Beasts Chronicles) is all white and he's got a massive Super Saiyan 3 mane of hair... which I found utterly ridiculous at first, but actually ends up being pretty cool in motion.  

The rest of the action scene basically shows off the new form, with Rintarou going through the four sub-forms -- the 'mane' transforms into wings at one point and into a shark underwater, and... it's a huge CGI sequence that I felt was reasonably all right? It's better than all the other huge CGI-background scenes, anyway. It's still rather noticeable, but the suit actors move through the snowy setting relatively quickly. Zooius gets killed with CGI ice, so that's two of the Megiddo boys down. Zooius gets to at least get a final line before blowing up, unlike poor Legiel. Rintarou gets a brief moment of "I have avenged my master" sequence, before the episode draws into a close. 

Interestingly, it seems we're setting up for a Reika defection, because when she went around stealing Buster's sword, she sees Zooius walking around and clearly is starting to slowly think that Master Logos might actually be hiding things from them. I hope she, too, gets a character arc of her own. We get a brief bit of Reika trying to discuss this with her much more fanatical brother in 33, so yeah, this seems to be where we're headed. Interesting!

Overall, episode 32 is a pretty action-heavy episode. It does kind of build up on the Rintarou/Zooius rivalry explored in the previous two episodes, and since we're slowly thinning out the characters by killing off the Megiddo and essentially reducing Ogami and Daishinji into non-transforming supporting characters, I guess we're getting that buildup to the finale. 

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Episode 33: Still, the Future Can Change

So after the relatively Megiddo-centric past couple of episodes, this one is more tied to the swordsman drama. Yuuri gives a bit of a long speech about his good friend Tassel/Viktor, who is currently regenerating his body after Master Logos beat him up a couple episodes back. I frankly feel like they could've (and should've) done more with Tassel, considering how much he appears in the show but really haven't done anything. 

This episode, interestingly, is partially a Ren-centric one. Ren is probably the secondary character most shunted to the side, because unlike practically everyone else, he doesn't even get a proper episode during the whole 'Touma wins everyone over to his side' part of the show. He's currently eating ramen while fending off attacks from Desast, who just follows him around like a more malicious version of Momotaros. 

Touma and buddies go off to recruit not just Ren, but also Kento. And after the rest of the supporting cast gets waylaid by hijinks, Touma and Kento sit under a tree and just talk. It's apparently a significant tree to their shared childhood friendship, which we finally explore a bit more -- it's honestly something I am not really invested in at this point; but it's nice to get some clarification nonetheless. Typical of these sort of flashbacks, there's a fight before the huge tragedy that caused Luna to be sucked into the magical vortex. And there's a reason why Touma really holds promises in high regard because there was a promise he made with Luna as a kid. 

We also get the utterly random bombshell that Sophia is an artificial lifeform that Master Logos created based on Luna. Which isn't really followed up in this episode, honestly kind of comes out of nowhere, and all I have to say to that is a big huge shrug. I mean, sure, why not. 

We then get a bunch of fight scenes! Master Logos shows up in front of Touma and Kento, and Touma finally recognizes him as that weirdo that helped him out forever ago before the Primitive Dragon arc, and he gives his motive rant. And... and I'm not expecting something particularly profound, but Master Logos's reason is honestly pretty generic. He wants to recreate the world to have fun torturing people and shit. Quoting him, "I will replace the songs of birds in the morning with human screams". Okay, you lunatic. We get Saber and Calibur teaming up to fight Logos, who spouts ominous stuff about how Luna was 'sacrificed' by Kento's dad. Logos also pulls out Buster's stolen sword out and dual-wields it to fight our boys. And we get a brief scene where the portal to the Wonder-World is opened and we see poor Luna still trapped there yelling for Touma. 

Meanwhile, Sabela goes off to get ren's sword,  and we get the two of them fighting under the Tokusatsu Bridge. Rather predictably, Sabela beats Ren handily. Desast jumps in to help out, but because Sabela can transform into a massive fog-pest form, she actually is holding her own and manages to push Ren and Desast back until Rintarou shows up and transforms into his brand-new blizzard form to drive Sabela away. Poor Ren gets even more confused to see Rintarou protect him, and slinks away, talking about how he's going to 'get stronger' and defeat Desast with his own hands. It's kind of interesting. I guess they're building Ren up to be an unstable potential antagonist in the future?

Touma and Kento almost make up, but Kento's darkest future is apparently one where Touma dies, and he refuses to work with Touma in order to prevent this future. Meanwhile, Logos is pulling out the 'Book of Destruction' in response to seeing Luna, and... I dunno. There are so many plot device books (I think Storious finds one at the end of 32, too)! Overall, this one was a bit messy, but I certainly welcome the focus on Kento and Ren, who have kind of been neglected over the past batch of episodes. 

Random Notes:

• The weird Quincy-esque arrow of light that Master Logos used at the beginning of episode 32 is probably the most egregiously weird CGI I've seen in this show for a while. There are other moments during the Blades/Zooius battle, but those move quickly and are in motion. We have a couple of rather close shots to the magic arrow. 
• We get small moments with some characters reacting to their little portrait drawings in an over-the-top way, and... and I don't get it? It's not like the drawings are bad at all. They're cute and well-drawn!
• They don't really do much with either of them, but Sabela still has one of the best-looking transformations and my favourite toy gimmick voice lines, while Durendal has the coolest suit and King Crimson powers. 
• Seriously, though, we basically get a single line from poor Daishinji about how 'she took them all!' It's odd that we don't get to see this scene, or even more of a comment afterwards by Daishinji since he really loves swords and stuff.  We did see Sabela pillaging Buster's sword, though.
• Mei and Daishinji have a very adorable clapping moment after Rintarou's transformation into his Tategami form. Mei is so enthusiastic, while Daishinji seems so absent-minded. 
• Is "Long Get" a pun on "long cat"? I am almost tempted to just call it the Long Get form. 
• ...didn't Ren get his sword sealed by Kento during the clip show episode? Did I miss something? Or am I just mis-remembering things?

Reviewing 5E D&D Monsters - 5E Adventure Modules, Part 7 (Theros)

 

Yeah, I originally had this combined with Ravnica as a "Magic crossovers" segment, but ended up splitting the two of them because, well, it's a tad long. Mythic Odysseys of Theros is a book that was released a bit more recently, and stars the Greek-mythology-inspired plane of Theros. 

As with Ravnica, I'm going to discuss these monsters as just monsters and not too much on how they relate to the plane of Theros or the greater D&D realm in general. I tried a version of this article that did that, and... it really didn't end up all that well. Mostly, I just want to get these books over with so I can say that I reviewed all of the 5E monsters. 

As usual, I'm going to put a disclaimer that I'm not here to look at the stats or gameplay or whatever, this is strictly a 'flavour' review. Also an additional disclaimer that I don't actually own this book and I just sped-read through the bestiary of a borrowed copy in a day and took notes. So...

Leonin

Ah, yes, speaking of playable races common in D&D... Leonins aren't actually related to Greek mythology at all, but is basically a recurring race in M:TG in general. They're a race of lion-people, basically making them buff Tabaxxi if we're going by D&D terms. They're nomadic and noble, often just living in their plainsland homes. They also really like to fight, whether verbally or physically, because of their own culture. But on the other hand, they're also quick to forgive others? Anyway, they sure exist. I've never really cared about cat-people in RPG's, but the Leonin are neat and they've got a lot of cool artwork in M:TG proper. It's not my thing but I know a lot of friends that are personally pretty excited to play lion-people instead of cat-people, and I'm happy for them. 

Satyrs

The book also re-describes centaurs and minotaurs as playable races, but they're sort of already statted for 5E playable races in Volo's Guide to Monsters, I think? So I'm going to acknowledge that they show up as playable races here, and talk about the new ones. Satyrs are already monsters in the Monster Manual, but in addition to being described as a playable race, this book also adds two additional elite Satyr enemies, the Satyr Reveler and Satyr Thornbearer. Basically we get a bit more of an expansion of Satyrs in Theros in general, making them a lot less one-dimensional. Some of them are a lot more assholish in tormenting and pranking, some are very happy to simply just revel and have celebrations and parties, and some are actually serious when they need to be, being badass nature-defending archers and druids. Okay!

Tritons

The Tritons, on the other hand, get a whole lot of far, far cooler artwork than the 'handsome fish boy' that the base D&D 5E saddles them with. Look at those two Tritons, with their heads tapering off into huge dorsal fins, little fish fins sprouting out of their cheeks and shoulders and back and stuff! Magic has had a long, long history at making their Merfolk cool by selective usage of incorporating fishy anatomy into their merfolk, so these guys are certainly pretty dang cool. Tritons in Theros have a different backstory as opposed to the 'protectors against threats from the water elemental plane' that they do in the Forgotten Realms, and... are basically just elitist sea elves in this version, going out and attacking seafaring vessels that intrude upon their territory and threaten their safety. Two monsters are also described, the Triton Shorestalker being the rapid-responders to land-dweller incursions, using poisons harvested from aquatic animals. The Master of Waves is totally going to kill that fishmonger, huh? He's basically someone with magical abilities over storms and tides. A good chunk of the Tritons' lore tie to Thassa, the Poseidon stand-in, but, again, as with most things in D&D, you're free to just borrow the mechanics and artwork to bolster the honestly minimalist things that they gave us in 5E for Sea Elves and Forgotten Realms' Tritons. 

Anvilwrought Raptor & Burnished Hart

Some of the creatures and characters in Theros are basically just pre-existing Greek mythology creatures and figures with some of the more specific names shaved off. Like Purphoros, God of the Forge, who is, obviously, a stand-in for the Greek god Hephaestus. He apparently made these metallic birds! The only metallic birds (or, rather, birds with metallic feathers) I am aware of from my childhood obsession with Greek monsters are the Stymphalian birds that are associated with Ares... but, again, it's not like a giant metal bird is anything particularly coded to be of Greek myth. It's a cool design nonetheless, with copper plates layered over more copper plates, leading to that very cool featureless face that still manages to look like a bird's beak. I haven't looked really closely at the M:TG iteration of Theros, but I'm going to assume that Purphoros and his creations are the excuse for the artifact creatures of that expansion. I do like the little description that the Anvilwrought Raptors are very variable and appear in the shape of any bird (so, uh, Bubo?) and can serve the role of guards, pets, familiars or messengers. 

The Theros book also describes the 'Burnished Hart', and doesn't offer a card art, but it's based on an M:TG card! It sure is a golden deer, and I really do like the flavour of its purpose -- it wanders the world to 'witness' the beauty of the world and return to Purphoros and give him inspiration for his next creations. That's pretty neat!

Bronze Sable & Gold-Forged Sentinel

More creations of Purphoros or maybe his followers are these guys. I don't really have a whole ton to say about the Bronze Sables, they sure are cute metal weasels. But the Gold-Forged Sentinel? Yeah, that's a cool metal flying deer right there. The metallic eyeless helmet-face, the horns, the golden wings... Again, these sort of winged ungulates aren't really 'my thing' as far as monsters go, but they sure look pretty damn cool! They essentially take on the same purpose of 'mysterious automated guardian with a purpose' that golems or eidolons do in traditional 5E D&D, but with so much more style.

Archons

Archons are basically yet another celestial type, sort of like lesser angels, in previous editions of D&D, but have been MIA ever since. These guys aren't exactly identical to the old-school Archons, but, as with most of the monsters in Theros's bestiary, more tied to the lore of Theros. These guys (who are still celestials) are described as 'mysterious conquerors' that once ruled vast empires and ruled over them with merciless justice. So lawful good taken to the extreme. It's pretty neat; these guys are basically angelic beings that once ruled the world and are now relegated to small handfuls of powerful individuals that take a backseat to the major plot antagonists in Theros. Still, a near major side-quest material for sure!

Two variants are described in the book. The Archon of Falling Stars feels more like a character than anything, noted to be a defeated archon who pledged to be essentially a paladin and champion to Heliod the sun god, and obtained a mighty spear to spread justice. All cool and everything, but look at that badass winged bull monster he's riding, that's a buddy! The Ashen Rider, meanwhile, gains powers from the Underworld and got twisted into basically a Greek-myth-flavoured Nazgul. She sure looks cool, though, with a giant sickle and riding a giant snow panther with wings. Again, if nothing else, the artwork really goes a long way in making these guys look pretty dang neat.  

 

Cerberus

I am genuinely baffled that the Cerberus, one of the simplest and most iconic Greek mythology monster, isn't in more base Monster Manuals. Like, all Monster Manuals have Hydras, Gorgons/Medusas, Harpies, Dryads, Erinyes, Centaurs, Chimeras, Minotaurs, Cyclopes, Satyrs... but not a Cerberus or Orthrus? Bizarre. Anyway, Theros describes two types of Cerberi, and based on the original Greek myths, the Cerberi are a race of multi-headed dogs that patrol the banks of the Styx Tartyx River. They basically roam around to breathe molten rock and chomp on anyone who's strayed between life and death, but since they're dumb dogs they can be fooled into attacking the living world.

The Two-Headed Cerberus is apparently a variant of the Cerberi that have interbred with mortal wolves, and are more common in the mortal side of the Tartyx River. They essentially ignore most of the dead souls, but will attack the living. The Underworld Cerberus is a very fun take on the formula. This one actually has three heads, but hanging out on the Underworld side means that it's mutated pretty horribly into a cool Resident Evil style flesh-beast. It's still got a typical Cerberus silhouette and anatomy, but look at how meaty and rugged that skin is! And that's without getting into the multiple, itty-bitty robot bug eyes that dot each head. And then there's the fangs! the artwork is pretty top-notch on this hellhound. 

Theron Chimera

Still not exactly a traditional Chimera, huh? They did swap the dragon head for a eagle head, but that's not quite a traditional Greek Chimera. The lore describes Chimeras in Theros as any monster that combines the features of multiple beasts. Apparently the original Chimera in Theros is created by Keranos (a.k.a. Theros Zeus) in order to test a champion, being the lion-ram-dragon combination that is the most common depiction of the Chimera in D&D. And then Keranos kept creating more and more chimeras to test the champion, but I think maybe Keranos just likes to combine different aspects of animals to make crazy chimeras. The specific image we got ("Daybreak Chimera" from the M:TG card game) is a pretty majestic looking one. It's interesting to note that this guy still has the legs and tail of a dragon, or at least a reptile, but a lot of it ends up looking far, far more traditionally majestic than the more feral-looking chimeras that they tend to be depicted as in D&D. I do like the description that Chimeras often wander around looking for a lair only for two of its heads to be dissatisfied with it, and being created from mutable magic makes them immune to magic.

I haven't really took a deep dive into Theros's cards, but a brief glance to its many, many Chimeras made me realize that Riptide Chimera, a chimera with crab claws and the heads of a shark and a piranha, is probably hands-down my favourite Chimera ever. 

Colossus of Akros
A reference to the Colossus of Rhodes, I'm not entirely sure at what point in popular media that Greek mythology ends up having the trope of a giant stone warrior statue guarding a city ends up being able to walk around and defend said city. It's still pretty cool nonetheless, even if I don't really have a whole ton to say here beyond praising the art and repeating a lot of what I've said about the statues of Waterdeep. 

Demons of Theros

Yeah, each setting has its own 'demon' lore and mythology and it's partially one of the reasons that I really don't care for reading too much into the lore behind a lot of the other extra-planar settings... there's just so much in them, y'know? Thankfully the bestiary gives us a nice, truncated version of what these guys are all about. They're apparently foul souls in the Underworld who are so consumed by their festering evil emotions, turning them from being the tormented in the Underworld into the tormentors, and end up becoming called 'demons'. There's a neat consistency to the design of these guys, though, which I do like -- they are gaunt, monstrous black-skinned and almost statue-like gargoyles but adorned with shining golden accessories, with all three of them having ones that form 'horns' on their head.

These guys, from left to right, are the Abhorrent Overlord, Eater of Hope and Nightmare Shepherd. The Overlord is basically a super-greedy demon lord who draws minions who subsequently get eaten when the Overlord gets hungry. The Eater of Hope delights in making their victims get 'marinated' in fear and hopelessness before eating them, basically enjoying playing games with mortals. The Nightmare Shepherd has an artwork which has that nice 'my skin is the stars in a night sky' that all Theros deities are drawn with -- easily one of the best visual things that they do in the Theros block. It acts as, well, a shepherd to a flock of wandering dead, and actually seem to serve Erebos (the Hades stand-in) by shepherding the souls of the dead to their place in the Underworld. They're just mean about it. Very cool, but I don't really have much to say about them.  

Theros Eidolons

-insert 'holy shit the artwork is so GOD DAMN cool' exclamations here- Honestly, one of the best part of these M:TG crossovers is that I get to experience some of the badass artwork in modern M:TG expansions. Look at that thing. That 'Ghostblade Eidolon' looks like some endgame final boss material, not a CR 5 encounter. I love everything about this one, from her dress being made up of the cosmos, to the background of her being a nebula, to that head seemingly cracking apart into a faceless mass of smoke and rainbows... Eidolons in Theros are far, far more accurate to how their mythological counterparts are in Greek mythology, where they are a 'spirit image' of a living or dead person, sort of like a shadowy lookalike. In Theros, they're specifically mortal souls that are trying to escape the Underworld. When someone does that, they sacrifice their identity to return as a hollow 'Returned', but their identity manifests into these beautiful spirit-like Eidolons. They're basically a conglomerate of skills, details and powers that a person has in their life, but has no actual ego to go with them, so all they do is wander the world in haunts that are related to their life or death. A very, very interesting way to flavour 'ghosts' in the setting! Two variants are described, with the Flitterstep Eidolon being a very common wandering spirit, while the Ghostblade Eidolon are those that arise from fallen warriors and simply end up being embroiled in battles endlessly. 

Fleecemane Lion

Oh, this is the Nemean Lion analogue, from the labours of Hercules, huh? Pretty cool! The Fleecemane Lions are just giant lions with particularly fancy hair. Look at those curls! The Fleecemane Lions have beautiful silver or golden hair, and they are basically beings that patrol sites imbued with the power of Nyx, the night sky and the realm of the gods. Interestingly, they're considered 'monstrosities', and just like how Hercules defeated the Nemean Lion as his very first labour, the bestiary notes how the Fleecemane Lions will apparently stalk prospective heroes and often ends up being one of the first heroic deed that a prospetive hero does. 

Theros Giants

Another common trope in Greek legends are 'giants' and 'titans', and in Theros they draw from aspects of the world, from the elements itself to the sea to the icy mountains. We've got two that get the spotlight here, the first being this utterly badass and creepy-looking Doomwake Giant. Great colours here, but then you realize that the rippling things on the Doomwake Giant's arm and chest aren't hair, but rather masses upon masses of skeletons and corpses that fuse together into this giant, monstrous being. Apparently born out of 'fears that infect a whole city or region', the Doomwake Giant are quite literally born out of their dreams. How terrifying must that be? A whole city is already gripped with the fear of being destroyed, and thanks to the magics of the setting, said fears will actually give birth to this giant scraggy-haired skeleton-fusion man to bring doom to their city. 

The Hundred-Handed One, based on one of the goofiest Greek mythological creatures, the Hecatoncheires, are far, far more badass than how they are usually protrayed as. Look at that badass stone-skinned giant warrior with a bunch of floating, disembodied arms with golden rings around their stumps! That's a cool way to depict a 'hundred handed giant', even if it does admittedly immediately bring up the Pokemon Hoopa to mind. Just like their mythological counterparts, though, I do appreciate that Theros's Hundred-Handed Ones are actually gentle artisans, covering entire mountain ranges and seaside cliffs with carvings that depict their bygone history. Apparently the Hundred-Handed Ones used to serve the Archons, making the Archons this setting's equivalent to the Greek Titans? The Archons basically became greedy and used dark rituals to turn their servants (who used to be ordinary giants) into 'greater forms' with extra hands, the more to glorify them with, but this ended up causing them to rebel. The Archons ended up cursing them with an endless will to create, but no one who can ever appreciate their art. Poor guys!

Harpies

Being a Greek setting and the original one where harpies originally came from, we get harpies! With proper Greek-myth anatomy; i.e. the arms are wings instead of having wings and human arms. Again, I will praise the artists once more for really making these guys look like wretched, angry carrion-bird-women. The one on the left is Aphemia the Dissonant Song, a specifically powerful "Nyxborn" Harpy, so I guess she's born from the stuff of the gods? The second one is a Blood Toll Harpy, which is a reference to the 'toll' that they exact on merchants. 

We don't get pictures in the Theros book, but again, M:TG to the rescue! Sirens are described as a variant of Harpies... which is actually not too far off in original Greek myths, where they are described as being bird-like. Theros Sirens have humanoid bodies with wings that sprout out of their backs, and are pretty much regular ol' sirens that lure ships into crashing onto rocks. 

Hippocampi

Ey, it's seahorses! I love them. Another Greek myth mainstay, this is a creature that's shown up as a minor creature in D&D a lot of times. I do like how this one looks, with the front end of a horse, but with fins and the colouration of some fish... and then the back half is just a giant oarfish or eel or something, complete with two tendrils trailing out of the Hippocampi's flanks. Not too much to say here, they obviously serve as the underwater mounts for the Triton people.

Hoplite & Oracle

I debated against including this guys here, because the Hoplites are basically super-duper trained warriors and Oracles are just, well, oracles. I guess since there's a neat artwork for their M:TG art... yeah, sure, why not? They're basically an adaptation of that trope of Spartan or Roman warriors that work well together and glorify the unbreakable bond between a group of warriors in a military unit. Three types are described, the Akroan, Meletian and Setessan Hoplites. They sure are Spartan soldiers, is what I'm gather. The Akroan Hoplites are the most Spartan, and their entry in the book even has a reference to the 300 movie. Meletians, meanwhile, are more of the smart-and-cunning soldiers, while Setessans are super-hunters. 

Oracles are people with the ability of prophecy, able to interpret the patterns and language of Nyx, and often being able to communicate with a single god that they champion, and interpret the intentions of these night-sky beings for the world. They're honestly mostly statted here not as an adversary, but probably more for the dungeon master's convenience. 

Hydras

HAIL HYDRA! Easily my favourite Greek mythology monster is the Hydra. Two new variants show up in Theros-D&D. The standard D&D Hydra are apparently just common bog monsters in Theros, implied to simply be juveniles of their species, with far, far more terrifying variants that they can grow into on Theros. Apparently, these hydras will bury itself and enter a period of hibernation, before awakening after having grown to rampage. They're like, crazy giant cicadas that destroy cities! The one on the left is an Ironscale Hydra, and I really love the heads that look like a snapping turtle's beak, but also the texture going on in the neck and the vibrant dorsal sails they get. Pretty cool! And then we've got named character Polukranos the World Eater, which is apparently the 'mortal manifestation of the eternal ideal of a hydra'. Okay! It was apparently so powerful that Nylea and Heliod ("Artemis" and "Helios") had to bind the original Polukranos, but since the world of Theros is so tied into dreams manifesting into reality, the fact that the legend of Polukranos is deeply ingrained, it keeps respawning. Design-wise... it sure is cool, but I personally prefer the vibrant colour of the Ironscale. 

Nyx-Fleece Ram

Based on the Golden Fleece of the ram Chrysomallos from the legend of Jason and the Argonauts, the Nyx-Fleece Ram is basically more of a walking plot device than an actual monsters, huh? It's got wool with Nyx power, and as you can probably gather, Nyx-born beings in Theros are a pretty huge deal. It's kind of neat, I suppose, but I really don't have a whole ton to say here about the creature itself since it's quite literally there, placed by the dungeon master game designers gods of Theros with creatures guarding it to be looted by players heroes. 

Nymphs

Did we have Nymphs in 5E yet? I don't think we do. I guess 5E is really trying to cut down on the many, many faeries that feel interchangeable? In Theros, 'nymph' is basically any divine servant that inhabit unspoiled corners of the world, protecting natural places as deemed by the gods. Like nature itself, some nymphs are benevolent and some are violent. Several are described here (and all of whom are drawn from nymph types from Greek myths), like the Alseid, which are a representation of cultivated natural beauty and are happy to live in fields near civilization, often coexisting with grateful farmers. The Lampad has a very, very cool 'fragmented shards of crystals as a face' thing going on, and M:TG creatures in general really tend to do the 'eyeless face' thing very well. The Lampad are nymphs that embody the shadowed paths of the world, often hanging out and assisting (or enforcing) souls that have to move to the Underworld. 

The Naiad is what regular D&D nymphs tend to be reduced to, being spirits of water that live in calm rivers and lakes. Theros Naiads are just as likely to be fixated on deep-sea trenches as they are a calm lake, which I thought is a nice little twist on the common depiction of them. They're also avid collectors of anything that washed into their personal body of water, and sometimes that includes sentient people. Oreads in Greek mythology are just mountain nymphs, but Theros turned them into volcano nymphs, which is significantly more badass. The artwork here with the Oread having a hairdo made up of volcanic rock, with part of her 'clothing' being Nyx galaxy detail and part volcanic rock, all the while she (he?) manipulates a stream of lava... it's pretty cool! They're extremely destructive and happy to embody the destructiveness of their volcano and mountain homes, but thanks to ancient traditions, Oreads refuse to knowingly destroy any land belonging to another nymph -- something that actually ends up being part of the reason why an Alseid or a Naiad's territory be 'protected' from an Oread's rampage. 

Phylaskia & the Returned

Undead soldiers by any other name, the Phylaskia are armoured skeletal spirits that guard the Underworld. Got to give those Lampads and Cerberi some minions, right? I don't really have much to say about them, it's neat that Hades Erebos has a bunch of low-level goons to swarm the enemy. 

The more common skeleton-zombie enemy in Theros are the Returned, which we briefly talked about when talking about the Eidolons. Anyone who has escaped the Underworld end up transforming into the Returned due to the specifics of a soul escaping the Underworld. Upon returning to the mortal realm, anyone who escapes the Underworld lose their identities (which become Eidolons) while the rest of their body become what they call the Returned. Thanks to this loss of identity they end up covering their 'loss of face' with golden masks. It's an interesting penalty for someone who cheats death, and even works with some Greek myths of heroes journeying into the underworld to rescue their loved ones. These Returned can't build long-term memories, meaningful relationships or new lives, basically reduced to beings that shamble through life without meaning. 

The book describes a lot of Returned variants. Returned Drifter are the basic shambling ones with absolutely no motivation. Returned Sentries are those that are pressed into service of other beings, being essentially automaton guards. Returned Palamnite are returned that are consumed with violence and rage, being far more active in going around as killers. Returned Kakomantis are those with an obsession with magic relating to death and necromancy. 

Typhon

Another one that I really liked as a kid was the giant Greek creature, the 'Father of Monsters', Typhon. I really liked multi-headed serpent-dragons, huh? With the description of Typhon alternating between being a giant humanoid being with a hundred snake heads, or simply a giant hydra-like creature, and his additional heads alternate between being snakes, dragons, or a mixture of every single natural animal imaginable. Theros has a bunch of them! Theros's Typhons are something we only really seem to see a part of, but it's certainly kind of faithful to the many-headed myth, being a giant central almost frog-like head, two giant dragon head bursting out like arms, and a large mass of snakes bursting out of its head. I do like the idea that these guys are just a giant mass of serpent heads that are fused to a single central big huge frog-mouth. Apparently these guys are born out of the souls of cruel tyrants and warlords that are twisted into, well, this giant snake-legion flesh-horror-beast. Pretty cool! 

 

Woe Strider

I was ready to dismiss this as a well-drawn, cool but kind of repetitive 'gaunt, gangly ghoul monster'... until I see that face. That face is just a mass of purple eyeballs arranged like a swarm of bug eggs! And the way it's drawn, it's like someone cut off the pale, more humanoid flesh to reveal the mass of purple eyeballs inside. Pretty freaking obviously a 'horror' in M:TG, Woe Striders are created from the souls of people who defy destiny. Apparently defying destiny isn't a super heroic thing in Theros, but rather an act that caused those who do so to turn into "cosmic blasphemers"? It's an interesting twist on the concept, and I'm not sure how deeply Theros delves into these sort of 'fight destiny' stuff, but again, a gangly ghoul with spiky bony ridges and that creepy-ass face is pretty nasty looking. The Woe Striders apparently are willing to re-weave themselves into the tapestry of destiny, and they often perform murderous haruspicy (that's fortune-telling with entrails, an ancient Roman custom). A bit of a creature that I felt is out of left field in the Greek setting, but that makes them so much more unsettlingly cool. 

Arasta of the Endless Web

Mythic Odysseys of Theros has a short section describing 'mythic monsters', where the monsters are so legendary and powerful and epic and stuff, meant to be the final, climactic, Clash-of-the-Titans-fight-the-giant-Kraken confrontations. Based on a similar figure from Greek myth, Arachne, this giant spider-god-lady is called Arasta of the Endless Webs, and has likewise transformed into a giant spider monster thanks to being embroiled in the gods' petty rivalries. Apparently Theros's gods are as assholish as the Greek ones they're based on! Arasta visually sort of looks like a Drider... but she's so much more cooler even discounting the Nyxborn my-body-has-a-galaxy-on-it vibe going on. Her hair is actually just a huge network of spider-webs that spread all across her lair, and her face is a mixture of the upper half of a human face and a bunch of exaggerated bug mandibles. And her abdomen is a massive cluster of her spider babies, a feature that some spiders (most notably the wolf spider) actually do -- it's a feature that's actually very heartwarming when you think about it, but of course we humans go 'ick, swarm of spiders, abomination!' As a boss, the short bestiary entry (and apparently her story is told more in the bulk of the book itself) talks about how Arasta dwells deep within her own jungle, creating a massive network of loyal spiderlings to guard her and be her eyes and ears. 

Hythonia the Cruel

The medusae gorgons of Theros are, of course, a pretty major player since it's a Greek-themed plane. I'm surprised the D&D book doesn't actually make them into a playable race, but at least we get a boss out of it. Hythonia has the lower body of a snake, something that Greek gorgons often get turned into thanks to that old Clash of the Titans movie. Posing as an avatar of the goddesa Pharika (the goddess of affliction, who doesn't really have a one-on-one comparison from Greek myths) Hythonia ends up creating a massive cult in the island she arrives in, creating thrones and structures out of her hapless worshippers. She would trade secrets in exchange for beautiful people to turn into statues, and one of her special abilities has her crack open like a stone cocoon, rejuvenating her like a snake shedding its skin. She's honestly not something we haven't seen many times in other fantasy settings, but still pretty cool. 

Tromokratis

Speaking of Clash of the Titans, we've got what's basically an adaptation of the giant kaiju 'kraken' from that movie. It sure is a giant kaiju with a giant serpent tail, a vaguely dinosaurian (or Godzilla-ian) posture, a giant lobster claw for one hand and a mass of octopus tentacles on the other. This 'Nadir Kraken' (another card from M:TG) serves the sea-god Thassa, and basically roams the ocean to destroy coastal settlements depending on its own will or its lord. A pretty cool giant kaiju for sure! 

...and, with that, we're done with Magic: The Gathering crossovers. I'm not going to say that I hated doing these, because I don't, but I certainly enjoyed reviewing M:TG cards and D&D monsters separately for sure. Next up... Wildemount!