Kamen Rider Zero-One E23 Review: Go-Buster

Kamen Rider Zero-One, Episode 23: I'm In Love With Your Intelligence

An... interesting episode? We're still in a relatively low-stakes, chill storyline, and one that surprisingly isn't the third part of the company takeover competition arc. It's kind of a neat break, and this episode kind of feels like a regular Zero-One two-parter story mushed into a single episode, at least as far as the civilian storyline goes, anyway.

We start off with an interesting conundrum as Aruto is confused about what to do, trying every single Progrise Key on his driver and none of them is authorized by the driver -- and Aruto isn't too keen on using Metal Cluster Hopper after its disastrous, out-of-control debut. So I guess there's some sort of logic to Amatsu Gai giving him what's basically a power-up item? It locks his driver from using other keys and forces him to use the unstable Metal Cluster key?

He gets interrupted when Chiharu Ebi, the lady from last week's trial episode, barges in and demands Aruto help her find a husband. There are... there are a lot of other avenues for you to look for someone to help you get married, but okay, apparently Chiharu chooses to go to the barely-an-adult president of a massive company. It's a neat usage of actress Komiya Arisa to have her hang around for a couple more episodes, because I truly felt she was utterly underused in the previous arc. It's also kind of realistic, I suppose, that even with her fiance being declared innocent, that there's too much bad blood between them for them to get back together. 

This leads to Aruto and Izu introducing Chiharu to what's basically a combination of Tinder and an old-school matchmaker, all rolled into a single Humagear package -- Emsubi Match. It's genuinely one of the weirdest and probably least practical thing you could comission a high-tech human-like robot to do, but okay. We get a brief little exposition telling us that Match apparently uses a combination of instant personality scans as well as scanning the contents of Chiharu's phone in order to build a profile for them, but while Match is charismatic and goes around giving these confident speeches, he also doesn't mince words, quickly surmising from Chiharu's usage of fortune teller apps and her tendency in cherry-picking her fortunes that she has a hard case of trusting anyone, and also she's easily tricked. Chiharu is angry, but then Match goes into this pretty neat speech about how finding a partner isn't about finding someone perfect and unattainable, but about finding someone practical and she can't ignore reality to do so. 

After a hammy BESTOOH MATCHHIII sequence of hamminess from Match and Aruto, we cut to a traditional Japanese meeting place near a garden, where Match has found someone suitable that's "honest and forthcoming with their opinion"... and of course, said person ends up being Amatsu fucking Gai. Gai's apparently looking for a bride and is accompanied by a very non-plussed Yua, who ends up being basically Gai's hype-man. And while Yua has been criminally underused in the recent episodes of the show, all props go to the actress in this scene! She clearly doesn't want to be there or to be singing Gai's praises as this super-duper-awesome-Mary-Sue-character, and while she's contractually obliged to do whatever her boss tells her to do, you can sense the eye-roll in the way she delivers this scene.

Also fun is Izu interrupting Gai's "I look eternally 22" line by dropping the bombshell that Gai is 45, and both Gai and Aruto's expressions in that scene where they all glare at Izu is amazing. Match then continues on to drone about why Gai is someone that's suitable for Chiharu... noting that Gai is an extreme egoist with a huge ego problem and is extremely selective in his choices, which is the reason behind his utterly cataclysmic love life, and noting how such forwardness is required for Chiharu in a partner. And I absolutely love Gai's expression getting more and more pissed off as Match insults him over and over, and Yua in the background is barely holding her laughter with a hand over her mouth. Gai, having the maturity of a child, gets pissed off and despite shrugging off the fact that some things in life are more suited to A.I., walks off muttering about how unreilable Humagears are. It's hilarious. 

It's about the middle point of the episode, though, and we get our Raider of the week, the -googles- Storming Penguin, who charges in to interrupt the meeting. Yua jumps into the fight and transforms into Valkyrie, but really, Yua's almost an afterthought in this scene, because the focus is clearly on Aruto's angst on being unable to transform. The fight between Valkyrie (who refuses to go into her powered-up form for some reason) and the Penguin Raider ends up with Aruto knocked aside and Match being ripped apart, exposing all the roboty parts inside. Gai's just happy to watch all this going on because he's a piece of shit, and Aruto ends up going into Metal Cluster Hopper form, getting consumed by all the evil kanji again. 

Metal Cluster Hopper, once again, attacks everyone present, causing the Penguin monster to escape. It's at this point that Yua remembers she has a powered-up form and goes into Lightning Hornet mode, and we get a brief cool bit of CGI bees fighting CGI locusts, but of course Metal Cluster overwhelms Yua's attacks and Metal Cluster Aruto starts beating the hit out of Valkyrie. The suit actor does a great job at portraying this, constantly tilting the head and just making Metal Cluster look like he's some sort of monster zombie or something. Fuwa shows up in his Assault Wolf mode, and there's a cool bit where Fuwa basically steals Aruto's AxeRise weapon and converts it to his GunRise weapon and then uses it to shoot gigantic robo-gorilla fists at Aruto. The Punching Kong attack doesn't take out Metal Cluster Hopper, but it's enough for Yua to sprout hornet wings and rip out the Metal Cluster key from Aruto's belt, undoing the transformation. Fuwa is understandably pretty pissed off at Aruto's rampage, and Gai shows up just to mock Aruto before tossing the Metal Cluster Hopper key to the ground.

We cut to another Fuwa/Horobi scene, and after his flip-out in the previous episode, Horobi is surprisingly calm, being all fufufu and chill, noting how Gai is underestimating the Humagears, and the Ark will be super angry at being used. Okay, Horobi, if you say so. There's also a bit of a cheesy thing where Aruto is angsting about all of the evil nasty feelings from the Ark corrupting the Metal Cluster Hopper key, before the repaired Match shows up and hams things up, talking about how "the best match in the battle against evil is good!" and we get a couple more discussions about analyzing the 'good data' and 'evil data' and whatnot, and... I dunno. It feels kind of off to suddenly drop ambiguous terms like those? It's pretty on-brand for Tokusatsu shows, I suppose, but considering the relatively more sci-fi oriented show so far, it's jarring to randomly go into "hey this data is EEEVIL". 

Also, at this point, we get introduced to Chiharu Ebi's childhood friend and also the obvious candidate for the Penguin Raider, Teruo, who dresses up in a weird little onesie, and is clearly holding a torch for Chiharu. Also, apparently Chiharu has been buggering off to see Match a lot ever since their first meeting, having clearly fallen for Match and quoting Match's catchphrases and talking about how there might be no man that stands up to Match's standards. Teruo is about to get physical with Match and this causes him to get escorted out of the Hiden building, but Match's ability to analyze people apparently extends to movements, and Teruo's way of throwing a punch matches that of the Penguin Raider. 

And I feel like this is where the episode is moving a bit too fast. It's just the civilian-of-the-week plot so it doesn't really matter, but the setup to Chiharu falling for Match is pretty abrupt, and so is her childhood friend popping out of nowhere. Match decides to confirm the Raider's identity... by, uh, making a whole skit where Chiharu gets married to him in a church? With Matsuda Enji dressed up as a priest? And apparently this is supposed to be a 'rehearsal' for Chiharu, while Aruto brings in Teruo to observe how a match-making Humagear works. Teruo goes absolutely angry and jealous and crazy, and I absolutely love Aruto trying to handwave the almost-kiss by talking about "well, technically, we could use a broad definition of matchmaking..."

Teruo buggers off and turns into the Storming Penguin Raider outside the church, while Match, of course, doesn't intend to go through with the kiss (this is a kid's show, after all, kissing is basically like third base for these people). Chiharu is still all happy and wants Match to marry her for reals, because Match is so forward with her and whatnot. Match then goes into a bit of a rant, insisting that they're a bad match and he can't be compatible with a selfish human. Izu, observing this from the sidelines, realizes that Match is purposefully being a dick to get Chiharu to lose interest in the robo-fucking... before Izu gets a shocked realization that apparently Match had asked her about "the worst thing to say to a human" minutes before the operation for this. 

And what happened next is apparently Match going into a nasty, nasty tirade of curse-words that are censored with a funny image of Izu crossing her arms in front of a "stop" sign, and while we don't hear what Match says, apparently it's enough to get not just Aruto, but also Matsuda Enji in the background to convulse and gesticulate in shock. This show is ridiculous and I love it. Aruto is bamboozled on who taught Match all those nasty words, and Izu's stammered apology is hilarious, too. 

Chiharu slaps Match in anger, and... and apparently this triggers the Magia-ization of Match? Even though... this is the intended reaction? I'm not perfectly sure what's going on here, because the way Match transforms into the Gaeru Magia seems to be extra-hammy, and if there was a point when he is exposed to human malice, surely it'd be when Teruo attempted to attack him in the Hiden office? Whatever the case, Match the Gaeru Magia slaps Chiharu aside, and he begins duking it out with Teruo as the Penguin Raider, and you're not really sure who to root for here. The fight goes out of the church as Aruto goes into Metal Cluster Hopper, and we get three not-quite-evil characters fighting each other. 

Aruto, still struggling against the tide of evil kanji, tries his best to not kill either Match or Teruo, and while Metal Cluster clearly overwhelms the two monsters in power, it's gaining control and not overdoing the murder that's the problem. Gai, of course, shows up with his dumb umbrella, Zetsumesu-evolution's and transforms, and poor Chiharu gets even more and more confused. As with before, Metal Cluster still overpowers Thouser, blocking the spear, choking Thouser and attacking him with a mass of locusts. We get to see the debut of Metal Cluster Hopper's finisher as he unleashes Metal rising Impact, unleashing a swarm of locusts to form a couple of clones, leaving the empty undersuit, and we get a multi-rider kick. Thouser uses his Jack-rise to summon Shining Hopper's Gundam Funnels to block the attack, but the finisher takes out both the Raider and the Magia. 

Interestingly, rewatching the scene, Match the Magia seems to jump in the way and take the brunt of the attack from hitting Teruo? (Or is that just some poor coordination from the stunt team and the Gaeru Magia just reacts to the explosions a bit too early?) And when he dies, he gives a huge thumbs-up and yells 'best match' when Chiharu hugs Teruo, and then exploding into a heart? It could just be inconsistency in writing for the sake of a gag, or there might be a bit more of Match that's left in the berserking Gaeru Magia. I'm not entirely sure. 

Oh yeah, and also, Chiharu hugs Teruo and is impressed, somehow, by the fact that Teruo "did it all" for her? Uh... get really jealous and transforming into a monster to attack people? Like, okay, sure, Chiharu ending up with Match is kind of weird and raises a lot of human/robot-sex ethical questions, but I really feel like the writing between Teruo and Chiharu to be kind of off. 

Anyway, the battle between Zero One and Thouser continues for a bit more, and we get a cool bit where Thouser throws his spear and uses it as a springboard to get behind Metal Cluster, only for Metal Cluster Hopper to react quick enough and summon floating metal crystal shields before side-kicking Thouser easily. Gai gives this huge speech about how grasshoppers are scum creatures that swarm, destroy crops and cannibalize their own, and Zero-One now embodies their vile nature... which kind of comes out of nowhere? Meanwhile, Aruto, still in the angry-kanji hellscape, seems to sink deeper into the void. Next episode seems to be something that's going to focus more on Metal Cluster Hopper in general, since it seems like we have a conclusion to the matchmaker story.

Overall... it's a very rough story, and I still feel like the Chiharu/Teruo and Chiharu/Match dynamics could've gone with a bit of a better pacing. But hey, the episode is truly enjoyable to sit through for the simple reason that it's perhaps the most genuinely funny Zero-One episode in a long while. A heavily flawed episode, but definitely an enjoyable one. 

Random Notes:

• Joining his Go-Busters co-star is Ryoma Baba as Match, who plays Iwasaki Ryuji, the Blue Buster. This isn't Ryoma Baba's first Kamen Rider outing, having previously played Otaki Ryusuke in Kamen Rider Amazons, the member of the Peston group that got turned into the Dragonfly Amazon in the first episode. 
• Enji Matsuda the Humagear actor (played by the same actor that plays Kazuraba Kouta's dead buddy!) makes a return from episode 11.
• All the hammy BEST MATCH!!! that Match and Aruto do throughout the episode is very hammy, and makes me remember Kamen Rider Build. No rabbits or tanks show up in this episode, though.
• There's a brief gag of the vice-president and his lackey showing up at Match's matchmaking place because they're single and divorced respectively and they're just awkwardly trying to deny that they're also looking for love, but because they're the jerk butt-monkeys in a show aimed at children they don't have a best match. 
• There is a law against marrying Humagears, which of course there are! 
• Know Your Raiders: We don't get to see Teruo transform or hear the jingle, but he uses the Storming Penguin key. It sure is an interesting penguin monster!
• The Gimmick Watch: "Metal Rising Impact!" is Metal Cluster's finisher. 
• Izu's official romanized name is "Is", but that's honestly a bit confusing to type out, so I'm sticking with "Izu". 
• It's so weird to see Metal Cluster be treated as this terrifying form by both the in-universe characters and the suit actor also really portraying it as basically a rampaging zombie, but the jingle for Metal Cluster Hopper is still pretty dang cheerful. 
• Izu claims that the best way to go around investigating the 'evil data' used to make the Metal Cluster Hopper key is to get said data straight from Zaia Enterprises, but... but don't you have the Metal Cluster Hopper key in your possession? Why don't you analyze the data inside the driver-corrupting thing?

Reviewing Monsters: Pikmin Bosses

Last time we covered the common enemies of the first Pikmin game, this time we're covering the bosses! As with the previous part, I'm going to leave a little disclaimer that I know next to nothing about the game other than its premise and what I can find on the Wiki, so these bosses are definitely not in the order they appear in the game, and just a completely arbitrary listing!

Anyway, not much to say here. Here goes!




The Pikmin
Actually, I never talked about the Pikmin themselves, which isn't exactly fair. They are little plant-goblins that you, the humanoid Olimar, end up befriending and planting. That's how they propagate, with you planting these plant-creatures and they'll pop out like mandrakes of myth, with little humanoid bodies and either a leaf, a bud or a flower depending on how long you let the Pikmin 'cook'. In the first Pikmin game (which is what we're covering here) there are three types accessible -- red, yellow and blue. They look neat, make fun noises and are just cute enough to be endearing yet look just off to have a neat alien quality to them. The reds are fireproof and are the strongest in battle; the yellow one can float higher when you chuck them into the air because those ears double as pseudo-wings, plus they can carry bombs for some reason; the blue ones have gills (which resemble humanoid mouths) and can move through water.



Armored Cannon Beetle (Granitus chukkulinae)
Our first boss is the Armored Cannon Beetle, of the Granitus genus and the only member of its genus in this first game. And it's a pretty neat-looking creature, a vaguely beetle-like creature covered with a rock-like carapace, and with a huge cannon-shaped mouth that shoots out rocks. It sure does look pretty dang cool, like some sort of organic technology sci-fi spider-tank, only given a more naturalistic flair. I do like the little detail that on top of its massive dome is a little blowhole that allows the Cannon Beetle to inhale the air it needs to blow out the rocks it shoots out of its mouth. The Armored Cannon Beetle may be a fantasy game enemy, but it's a fantasy game enemy with a quasi-believable biology, dang it! Anyway, this one is pretty cool and threatening, and you defeat it by avoiding its rock attacks and attacking its weak spot, the soft turtle-like underbelly, while clogging up the blowhole.

Not the most impressive boss, as far as video game enemies go, but a pretty suitable stronger enemy for the whimsy 'mutated-nature' feel of Pikmin!


Beady Long Legs (Pseudoarachnia armoralis)
Oh, okay, this one is cool. The Beady Long Legs is a giant spider, or, well, a spider-esque monster if its genus of Pseudoarachnia is anything to go by. But instead of just being a huge arthropod, the Beady Long Legs looks more like a planetarium model of Jupiter sprouted a bunch of legs from its top, and it just looks like such a wacky monster that I totally believe that this isn't even an arthropod in the strictest sense. I do like the fact that it's just a bunch of legs with a main orb-like body suspended by it. Hell, even beating the Beady Long Legs isn't too hard -- the orb is clearly its main body and the weak spot, it's just that the Long Legs is so tall that only the yellow Pikmin can reach it.

The game's various lore pieces note that the Beady Long Legs are part of the 'arachnorb' family, and that they are a completely separate evolutionary line of insect-esque creatures, and the orb carries all of its internal organs with "no organs that would correspond to a normal head or abdomen". That is such a cool description! In the game where Olimar starts cooking every single enemy, eating one will cause "prolonged writhing and uncontrollable mirth", so it's flesh makes you high or something. A pretty cool monster concept, and one that the game actually leaves mysterious enough that I do wonder how this thing even works biologically. How does it feed? What does it feed on? Why does it go around stomping all of the Pikmin?


Puffstool (Aspergilla podronis)
The real-world Aspergillus genus is that of mould instead of toadstools, but okay. The Puffstool is a huge fat mushroom with buggy eyestalks and comically tiny little legs that let it waddle around, and unlike most bosses, the Puffstool will actually run away when your Pikmin army start to swarm it, which I imagine would be comical with those teeny tiny feet. The mushroom cap is apparently invulnerable, and you need to get the Puffstool to trip and fall to expose its fleshy stalk to Pikmin beat-up sessions. Of course, after being beaten down, the Puffstool will right itself up and unleash a cloud of spores... which will cause tiny mushrooms to grow on nearby Pikmin, causing them to turn hostile and attack your other Pikmin, so it's an interesting boss in that the Puffstool itself is just a damage sponge, but it will basically fuck up your entire party by mind-controlling parts of it. I do like the idea that one of the stronger enemies for a mostly plant-based game is a parasitic fungus.


Burrowing Snagret (Shiropedes anacondii)
Okay, this one is... an interesting one. The Burrowing Snagret is a fusion between a snake and an egret, and it sure is an interesting pair of animals to fuse, particularly for a mainly Tremors-style subterranean serpent. Most combinations of snakes and birds tended to go for a more airborne creature, something like a Couatl, or at least an imposing Cockatrice or something. This specific combination -- a bird's head on a snake, and then making the whole thing a creature that attacks by burrowing -- is so freaking bizarre. The way you fight it is appropriately video-game-y, where you have to trick the Snagret into bursting out of the ground, miss its prey and have its beak get stuck to the ground and leaving it vulnerable to your gang of leaf-pixies to beat up its weak bird head.

I do absolutely love how the game notes that you can distinguish the Snagret from the Snarrow by the hue of its feathers and tail markings, and apparently the Snagret and Snarrows have a huge overlap in prey and territory. To date, the "Snarrow" has never appeared in any single Pikmin game.


Goolix (Binuclei siphonophorus)
The Goolix is a gigantic amoeba of the Binuclei genus, and it behaves like an amoeba, just blobbing along the way and drowning any Pikmin unfortunate enough to be in its path, with only the blue ones among your army of leaf-critters being immune thanks to also being partially made out of water. It's ultimately just a giant amoeba enemy, not really doing a whole ton with the concept other than presenting us with a large one. It is rather unique mostly because all the other creatures in this game are some sort of animal or plant, instead of a microorganism. 

You basically have to swarm the Goolix's nuclei, and apparently the blue nucleus is easier to damage but you need to take a longer time to do so. The brown one is more vulnerable, taking more damage over a shorter period of time, but you have to sacrifice Pikmin to lob onto that specific nucleus.


Emperor Bulblax (Oculus supremus)
Of course the Bulborbs have a boss monster, and it's the Emperor Bulblax, the Oculus supremus. The Emperor Bulblax is the final boss of Pikmin, and it sure is a huge, mutated Bulborb! Trading in the adorable cartoon reptile face for a flabby one that's a cross between a slug and a pug, the Emperor Bulblax has bizarre proportions with a massive goopy green body that is overgrown with moss and mushrooms, and two tiny legs that really don't look like they can support his majesty's royal weight. Its main feature, though, is its frog-like prehensile tongue, allowing it a reach that its lesser kin doesn't have access to. I'm not sure what that half-melted green goopy part of his anatomy is supposed to be. Is it just partially goopy slime, or is his body just covered with a slimy biofilm mass of moss and mushrooms?

The Emperor Bulblax is yet another one of the enemies in this game that buries itself in the ground to ambush prey, only allowing its two slug-like eyestalks to pop above the soil in order to look for prey, before unleashing its tongue to nom on whatever passes through. Also, y'know, it's pretty dang huge, and it's just such a shame that the massive gluttonous grub-dog has eaten the last part you need to fix your ship, because, well, you have to bring down this massive emperor to beat the game. The vulnerable part of the Emperor is its face, and you beat him by tricking him into eating bombs instead of Pikmin.


Smoky Progg
We have another boss to talk about, though, and this one is pretty dang cool. The Smoky Progg is a secret boss and one of the toughest ones in the game, requiring you to gain access to a certain area before Day 15 (it is a timed game, after all), and crack open an egg, at which point the Smoky Progg is unleashed and it's... it sure is a pretty strange creature, a massive egg-like ghostly mist monster with two spindly arms and glowing pink eyes. It's a simple monster trope, just a formless mass of mist or smoke or whatever with glowing eyeballs, but it sure is effective, and the stark difference of the Progg with the rest of Pikmin's enemies, which all tend to be animal, plant or fungal based is pretty dang striking! The Progg doesn't even have a Latin scientific name, which makes it feel a bit more inhuman!

The Progg also behaves strangely, bursting out of its egg and making a beeline towards your home camp, the landing site, uprooting any Pikmin sprouts it passes through and unleashing a cloud of gas that will suffocate both Captain Olimar and his Pikmin buddies. It's a pretty dang hard enemy to kill, and interestingly, Olimar speculates in-universe that this is a malformed larval Mamuta. Mamuta being those mysterious rock-dudes that will help upgrade your Pikmin into Flowered Pikmins, and are also the only other non-organic-based monster in the game. So it's basically a mutated smoky fetus of a rock golem? Okay, sure, why not. It's basically an eldritch abomination and the safest way to get rid of it is to not fuck with the egg at all, or to completely destroy the egg in a single strike, but you'd then miss out on the rewards. It's a pretty neat, creepy mystery monster that still fits pretty well into the game's art style. I like him.

And that's all the Pikmin enemies! That was fun to do. I might actually do this a bit more with a bunch of other games, there's just something neat going into these monster reviews blind and reading about these wacky creatures for the first time. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to borrow a Nintendo Wii and a Pikmin CD...

Kamen Rider Zero One E22 Review: It's High Quality

Kamen Rider Zero-One, Episode 22: He Still Didn't Do It

We're still going on with the second part of the lawyer two-parter and... at least there's a new development compared to the formulaic couple of two-parters before this? It still doesn't really excuse the hectic pre-2020 episodes about the end of Metsubojinrai.net, and I'll continue bitching about it until we get some proper payoff, but this episode's pretty neat, action-wise and progression-wise. It's a far better introduction of a new form compared to the abrupt way that the two assault forms were handled, too, although I'll reserve judgment on how much sense it makes until we get to see just why Gai did what he did in this episode.

The episode picks up where we left off in 21, with Zero-One in his Shining Assault Form fighting against Thouser, and it's actually a relatively refreshingly fun fight, even if a good chunk of it does admittedly rely on the CGI... floating things. Funnels? I'm going to call them funnels, because I can't remember what the actual proper in-universe term is. And finally a pretty cool use of Thouser's whole power-jacking ability gets shown as Thouser hijacks Zero-One's Funnel powers and summons red funnels of his own, and we get a pretty cool bit where both Kamen Riders are just fighting each other while the Funnels fly around and zap each other in the background, and we get a couple of cool bits when the funnels spin around to form shields for both Riders. There's a cool bit of Zero-One's Shining Hopper fast-teleport afterimage thing, too, before we get a pretty cool bit of both Riders unleashing their finishers that clash onto each other, which is a pretty neat visual as the CGI dust dissipates and the two Riders de-henshin.

Gai tells Aruto that they'll finish their fight in the courtroom while the mangled Magia corpse of Bingo lie nearby, and this is a shot I particularly like -- for a show that's made "Gai murders a berserking Humagear" a bi-weekly regular thing for us to expect, they don't really hammer home the fact that Gai murders these robot people as much as I thought they would.

Then we get a couple of sub-plots running simultaneously. We get Yua and Gai setting up and creating a new Progrise Key in Daybreak Town using the Ark's powers, and this is all part of some scenario by Gai to completely ruin Aruto. There's a bit of hesitation in Yua, of course, who notes how unnecessarily cruel this is since they were going to win the competition, but Gai's just that extra of a douchebag.

The actual trial part of the episode run as you'd expect. Which isn't to say that it's bad, it's just the expected 'ah-ha, third act twist!' that's foreshadowed in episode 21. It's done sufficiently well, and the big moment of cooperation is also built up pretty well. The actual 'wedding scam' bit does get dragged on a bit too long, though, and we get a couple of relatively superfluous scenes of them sort of retelling parts of episode 21, or Gai being a douche to Aruto and Bingo, giving his usual "Humagears are evil, humanity is great" spiel.

Aruto ends up getting Fuwa's help on this, and he's a bit reluctant (despite his whole 'guilty and innocent' speech last episode) but ends up helping out anyway. Aww, he does care. The Horobi-in-a-straitjacket scene plays out basically how you expect it to, but we get full confirmation that Horobi has no idea that Gai's been manipulating them or even has access to the Zetsumeriser Drivers, and he goes full-on crazy, writhing on the ground and screaming at the thought of the filthy humans desecrating his precious Ark. I'm... I'm very much confused why AIMS or the police hasn't gone and arrested or investigated Gai over owning the Zetsumerise Driver, though, and you'd think that we would at least get a throwaway line about plausible deniability or something.

Aruto then recruits Fuwa to help out Bingo, and we get a brief, short montage of Fuwa and his fur jacket investigating the people around the courtroom -- mostly Yua and a bunch of security guards -- to figure out who exactly stole the prosecutor's Zaia Spec, which is the most likely candidate for being the true identity of the Dynamiting Lion Raider. And, of course, it turns out to be the policeman that was a bit shifty in episode 21, and with the power of video calls and Bingo's lie-detecting algorithms, they figure out that the policeman dude is lying and Fuwa arrests him... with a particularly fun sequence of Fuwa cracking his neck and rising up ominously while saying 'bingo'. Oh Fuwa, you gigantic goof, never change.

While this is going on, Bingo stalls for time in the trial, Yua delivers the Metal Cluster Hopper key to Gai, and Aruto discovers that Gai was involved in Daybreak and the Ark. Thanks to the rule of TV drama, Bingo and Fuwa interrupt the trial at the last possible second, bringing in the new evidence about how the policeman dude was completely corrupt and was framing the accussed, and also tried to shift blame by attacking people as a monster and stuff. The judge is a doo-doo and is about to dismiss the evidence, but Zaia's Prosecutor refuses to convict an innocent man and also insists that the case be re-opened, admitting that the Humagears are exceptional.

We need to end the episdoe in an action scene, so the evil policeman manages to steal the Lion Key from Fuwa as he's waving it around and ecape, leading to a fight outside between the Dynamiting Lion Raider and Assault Wolf Vulcan. It's a pretty cool fight, mostly because I really do like the look of the Lion Raider with its funky pink dreadlocks, its giant gun-arm and the weird half-trenchcoat thing he has hanging down his hips. It's just a weird-looking monster!

The fight is interesting, while Gai shows up and monologues about how dare this man uses the Zaia Specs for malicious purposes -- and this whole 'you're using technology to be evil' is more or less the same reason why Gai thinks it's justifiable to murder Humagears, by the way. Aruto and Izu show up, and Aruto calls Gai out on his complete and utter bullshit and hypocrisy, and also points out that the Ark became evil because of Gai teaching it about humanity's malice, and how that event led to the whole series of events that led to Mestubojinrai.net being born and all of the chaos that has happened. Gai's response is a smug "well, that was gonna happen either way; humanity's history is repeating itself", leading Aruto to get absolutely pissed off. He's absolutely livid and frustrated and the actor really sells it well as he just charges in and tells Gai to fuck off because, as he pointed out, people have died just so that Gai can fell all smug about the fallibility of artificial intelligence. And I must say, Gai's really building up to be a massive asshat of a villain, and I'm all for it.

We get a fight between the angry Aruto and the smug douche-face Gai, and Gai continues to trash-talk Aruto about how he's a representation of the malice of humanity or whatever. Aruto's chest core is glowing and we get a bit of a cut back and forth between Zero-One and the Ark's red glow, and we start to get kanji -- 'death' and 'suffering' and whatnot -- appear on Aruto's red locust eyes and that's a pretty cool visual.

Thouser summons some weird CGI animals to hold Zero-One before slashing him, forcing him to de-henshin. And... and I'm still not sure what this part is really supposed to be, because Gai slaps on the Metal Cluster Hopper Key onto Aruto's belt to, uh... 'learn it first-hand'? Learn what, exactly? Regardless, though, the show does a great job at making Metal Cluster Hopper look cool and horrifying. A gigantic swarm of metal locusts appear as the belt's long jingle plays, and Aruto finds himself in what I assume is the Ark's Matrix-space, where it's all dark and stuff, and the 0/1 binary number streams transform into kanji for death and pain, and all of these kanji swarm all over Aruto as he screams and screams and screams. Meanwhile, in the real world, the swarms of metal grasshoppers fuse into a giant metal grasshopper, before breaking up again and forming Metal Cluster Hopper's armour. "It's high quality!", the belt announces cheerily, while the visuals and the CGI effects of red glowing auras around Zero-One's eyes are pretty dang cool.

And Aruto unleashes a gigantic swarm of CGI metal grasshoppers at the fight between Vulcan and the Lion monster, ending that fight in a complete instant -- stripping away all of the monster pieces and most of the clothes of the Lion Raider, and even burning off part of Vulcan's arm gauntlets, before reforming around the screaming Aruto. Metal Cluster is more like a parasite, in a sense... and I guess its just a manifestation of Aruto's anger and hatred or something? Because it sure as hell ain't loyal to Thouser, because Metal Cluster continues to bash the shit out of Thouser. The visuals are obvious CGI, but it's... serviceable? I do like the concept of a swarm of transforming metal insects that form Metal Cluster Hopper's armour, and these insects detach and reform themselves into the giant metal crystal shields and spikes that appear to stab Thouser.

While smug, it's quickly clear that Thouser is outclassed by Metal Cluster. Yeah, it's been a month since your debut, Thouser, make way for the new toy! Thouser uses the Dynamiting Lion Key to activate a Thousand Break finisher, summoning two pink gatling guns, but that doesn't even phase Metal Cluster, who continues attacking with gigantic metal crystal chunks that beat the shit out of Thouser and forces him to de-henshin. Metal Cluster very nearly murders the hell out of Gai and his dumb turtleneck if Fuwa hasn't charged in and rescued everyone present by ripping off Aruto's belt. The expert at ripping things apart, that's Fuwa. With the belt off, the transformation is undone and the metal locusts disappear.

It's about time for the episode to end, so Gai gives one of his asinine bits of "ha-ha, everything is going as Zaia's scenario!" and we get a brief acknowledgement that the evil raider policeman is arrested, the innocent dude is cleared of all charges, and Hiden is now 1:2 in the competition. Despite the ominous juxtaposition of glowing red eyes with the Ark, Aruto ends the episode in a pretty good mood as he and Izu celebrate their victory in this round with a bad joke and a simultaneous Arutoooo ja naito.

And... and overall, we get a fair amount of great moments? I'm still not entirely sure what Gai's motivations are beyond the whole 'humanity's potential' spiel he keeps spouting at every given chance, and I'm not sure what the point of slapping the Metal Cluster Hopper key on Aruto is supposed to prove. Hopefully this gets explained soon. I also really wish that Gai ends up not falling onto the same paths as previous evil, douchebaggy Kamen Riders that end up being more or less redeemed by the time the show is over. In recent years, the franchise has had various different evil or antagonistic Riders that end up being on our hero's side by the time the second half of the series rolls around. We've got Necrom, Chase, Rogue, Genm... and there's a lot of relatively valid comparisons between Dan Kuroto and Amatsu Gai in the fandom. I love Kuroto, but I do really wish that they double down on Gai and actually make him a villain and not randomly redeem him with a sob backstory or whatever, because the show's actually doing a great, great job at setting him up as a complete ding-dong-douchebag of a villain.

Random Notes:

• I didn't mention it in the main body of the review, but we get a bunch more adorable Izu-ness. The little rapid-fire clap-clap-clap as she awaits Aruto's jokes, and the little poses she makes in the background as the camera focuses on Aruto, and finally the simultaneous Aruto-ja-nai-to pose at the end... I definitely wouldn't have liked Aruto's scenery-chewing insane comedy without the accompaniment of Izu.
• Not to be nitpicky, but did the lion policeman really just didn't resist as Fuwa drags him halfway across town from the police station to the courtroom? Did he not try to transform at all?
• The crowd's reaction to the policeman stealing the Progrise Key from Fuwa is a bit... overly-dramatic. The dude hasn't even transformed into a monster yet! Special mention goes to that gentleman on the front row.  
• The scene really doesn't lead to anything in this episode specifically, but while Fuwa and Bingo are investigating, Aruto and Izu enters the Matrix-space to ask Satellite Zea about the Ark. It's information that we've sort of gleaned from previous episodes, about how the Ark was supposed to oversee a Humagear-operated Daybreak City, and tells Aruto about Zaia's involvement in it. 
• We haven't seen Death-bo in a while, huh?
• The Gimmick Watch:
• "Burst! Raidrise. Dynamiting Lion! A beautiful force like fireworks." The sound editing for the Raid Riser transformations really make it hard to tell the text-to-speech part, really. 
• "Hiden Metal's Ability! Authorize. Progrise! Metal Rise! ... Secret material: Hiden Metal. METAL CLUSTER HOPPER. It's High Quality." There's the whole long cutscene between Metal Rise and Secret material. Also, that's a very melodic way of announcing Metal Cluster Hopper for what's portrayed as an in-universe berserking form. It's no yabei for sure. 
• The CGI for these shows are always kind of spotty, but I do appreciate the funnel fight at the beginning as well as how the janky metal locust swarms are portrayed. 
• I'm a bit confused with that one Jacking Break that Thouser does before slapping Metal Cluster on Aruto. What are those weird orange fanged heads?
• Yua is filming the Metal Cluster vs. Thouser fight. This isn't really addressed, other than having her show up and have a brief conversation with Fuwa about how Metal Cluster is not Zero-One, but I'm curious if she purposedly let Thouser get his ass beaten up. Likewise, whether the video she takes is going to be relevant in a future episode. 

Kamen Rider Kiva E25-26 Review: Fake Character Development

Kamen Rider Kiva, Episode 25: Fanfare - the Queen's Awakening; Episode 26: Metronome - Miraculous Memory

We're back with episode reviews of Kamen Rider Kiva, then! It seems that as we reach what's basically the halfway point of Kiva, we're going to go through a bit of an escalation in terms of the storyline? And I guess it's a good point as any to take stock on the series as a whole. This is basically my first romp through Kiva and I know scant little about anything that goes on here, and it's been... interesting. On one hand, I do kind of enjoy the cheery-gothic vibe that Kiva has, and as much as the execution does admittedly leave much to be desired, the 1986/2009 flashback style storytelling does offer kind of a unique way to explore the lore and history of these characters. The music is fantastic, as is expected from a show that has music as one of its core themes, and the suits and general special effects are not bad for a late Phase I Heisei series. The actors are also pretty competent and charming, which is probably the biggest praise I can heap on Kiva and the reason the show still manages to make me continue tuning in despite its often-problematic handling of its cast, particularly its jerkier members and its female members.

Anyway, this episode! The 1986-era plot, for better or for worse, has Otoya and Yuri basically shack up together. It's honestly debatable how well-written and how organic the Otoya/Yuri romance is, and for me is that they really don't do enough? Like, obviously Otoya's a better choice compared to Jiro, but we went from "Otoya's not a complete scumbag and cares in his own way" to "Yuri's head-over-heels in love with her OTP" and it's jarring, to say the least. Anyway, after a bit of lovey-dovey omurice stuff, Yuri gives Otoya the gift of a watch which Otoya will cherish all his life and it's undoubtedly going to be important in the upcoming plot of the two-parter. They have a bit of a debate on whether to go on a date to the beach or to hunt down and murder Rook. Obviously, beach > murder.

Oh, and also, Jiro apparently returned the Ixa Knuckle to the WBSG chairman dude whose name I can't recall at the moment, and also Yuri and Otoya have reported Jiro's not-quite-Fangire monster form.

Anyway, Otoya ends up meeting up with Queen Maya once more, and Otoya gives his usual pickup artist line about destiny and meeting multiple times... but Otoya's at least faithful to Yuri, noting that his fate now lies with someone else. It's at this point that Rook shows up, hunting flowers, and Otoya mistakenly believes that poor helpless goth lady Maya's the target because Rook "always targets women". Okay? Maya's absolutely confused about the state of things.

Unseen by Otoya in the chaos of things, Queen Maya tells poor, baffled Rook to continue playing his game, and Rook basically just attacks Otoya, who fights back first with the Ixa Knuckle, and later on as Kamen Rider Ixa. Rook absoultely overwhelms Otoya so bad that his knuckle malfunctions and he gets zapped back into human form, but Maya stops Rook from deling the deathblow, noting that she "wants to try and understand what's going on." And... and it's kind of obvious that we're going through the ironic route of the villain tasked to murder any Fangire who's in love with humans is going to fall in love with a human herself. It's kind of the obvious vampire story route and I'm all for that.

The problem, though? Is that we had to resort to the absolutely tired amnesia plot device to do this. I'm never a fan of amnesia unless it's done well (Build and Agito did it pretty well) but this seems to be a cheap way to shoehorn in another love triangle plot without making Otoya be unfaithful and a jerk. Anyway, Otoya's amnesiac, and Maya pretends to be "Yuri", his love interest, and that's the cliffhanger. More Maya's great, but I'm not a fan of this plotline.

In 2008, Mio and Wataru are having sort of a date and discussing bento shops and stuff. Megumi shows up and teases them for going on a date. Nago quite literally barges into this conversation just to tell them that they're a bunch of shitty perverts who's only got hanky-panky in their sick, disgusted minds and they should take the time to think about what they can do for humanity and everlasting peace in the world. I shit you not, that's exactly what happens. Nago's an absolute dick, and it's made extra-hilarious by the fact that Wataru and Mio's easily one of the most chaste couples ever.

Nago's dickishness is sort of part of the plot of the episode. WBSG Chairman, while working out in the gym, talks about how they're developing a power-up for Kamen Rider Ixa, but while the Ixa system is performing well, Nago's not the ideal user since he's a shit who overestimates himself and doesn't understand his own weakness.


Meanwhile, Mio's day gets absolutely ruined! She tries to deliver bento, but her customer gets fucking Fangire-murdered. She runs back to her working place, but her boss and all her coworkers also get freaking murdered! This leads to Mio, in panic, meeting Wataru and breaking up with him for no reason at all, leaving poor Wataru confused. Shizuka (who I truthfully forgot existed since she's absent for the past couple of episodes) has no idea who Mio is, hahahaha, that's actually funny! Wataru, you sly, sly dog.

Anyway, Mio's walking all confused and muttering about how this isn't her fate... when another member of the Checkmate Four shows up. Bishop! Bishop's the smart, bookish guy of the group, sort of bringing to mind characters like Brain from Drive, and Bishop talks about how they cannot suppress Queen's powers and whatnot. He gives Mio a hit-list of all the human/Fangire couples, but Mio burns the list. It's neat.

Of course, the Fangires are apparently more organized than the ambiguous "each member of the Checkmate Four kinda has a job" that they had seemed to be, and our good buddy the Spider Fangire shows up with his weird hand puppets and a buddy (the silent, brutish Shark Fangire), chuckling about how a useless Queen must be eliminated. Presumably, they're working for Bishop? They attack Mio, but Mio gets rescued by Megumi. Megumi's arrival sends the Spider Fangire's creepy stalker fanboy tendencies into high gear and he charges in all excited with Megumi, who slaps him down.

Nago also shows up and talks a big game, but he gets beaten down by the Shark Fangire before even transforming, and, interestingly, the Spider Fangire ends up stealing the belt and knuckle, ignoring Nago's juvenile screeching in the background. I don't think we've really seen a member of the monster group actually try to steal one of the heroes' transformation devices outside of Faiz, actually! It's around near the end of the episode, so Kamen Rider Kiva shows up, and it takes all of 10 seconds before he switches into Emperor Kiva Form, instant-killing the Shark Fangire with a wake up fever. The Spider Fangire gets so spooked that he de-transforms and escapes... most notably with the Ixa gear in tow!

Anyway, this was a pretty interesting episode. The two-parter seems to be focusing a lot on the two Queens of the different time periods -- the 1986 Queen who's starting to experience emotions and becoming curious about humans; and the 2009 Queen who refuses outright to be a Fangire hitman. Toss in the fact that they're actually seemingly trying to do something with Nago's character into the mix, and the always entertainingly scenery-chewing Spider Fangire, and it's actually a neat start to a two-parter. Shame about the amnesia plot, though.
_________

The 1986 storyline for this episode is... it kind of went where you expect it to. And I suppose it's sort of important for Maya's character development from a soulless killing machine into someone who's at least a bit more empathic, signifying perhaps the start of a heel-face-turn.

Basically, Maya impersonates Yuri, claiming that, yes, she is the Yuri that Otoya is completely in love with, and plays along with Otoya's desire to go to the beach and find a missing object and stuff. Maya stops Rook from killing Otoya, noting that she's intending to try and unlock the 'secrets of love' and figure out why all of these Fangires keep falling in love with humans. Eventually, as Otoya keeps diving into the ocean to look for Yuri's missing ring or whatever, the real Yuri shows up in panic looking for her missing boyfriend and has a bit of a conversation with Maya about how "love keeps people going" or whatever. Maya eventually leaves, leaving Yuri meeting the nearly-drowned Otoya (who, of course, got the ring) and also apparently being deprived of oxygen while he was drowning caused Otoya's memory to come back. Okay, sure. It's a pretty bland storyline, and it definitely would've flowed a lot better without the amnesia plot (maybe rearrange the order of events so the Otoya/Maya friendship thing happens before he becomes an item with Yuri if the showmakers wanted to avoid showing an unfaithful hero) but at least it's quick and over with. 

In 2008, poor Mio is having a far more terrible time as the new Queen. Bishop confronts her and tells her that all this is essentially 'tough love' to have Mio properly awaken as Queen, something that must happen before the new King awakens. Mio's argument is that she doesn't really think that loving humans is all that grave of a sin, but since the Checkmate Four is sort of a psychotic vampire club, Bishop warns Mio that even entertaining such a thought, that their little doctrine might be wrong, could easily be constituted as a crime worthy of death.

While all of this is going on, we get to see the Spider Fangire creepily obsessing and stalking Megumi, who herself is hard at work looking for where Mio has disappeared off to. We get confirmation that the Spider is working for Bishop, whose job, I guess, is 'internal management' and making sure Queen awakens properly or something?

Speaking of nasty criminals, Nago is a rat bastard and reports to Commissioner Shima about how the Ixa Knuckle was stolen by a Fangire, but it wasn't his fault, it was straight-up Megumi's fault. Wow, not only did he refuse to admit his flaws, he even throws poor Megumi under the bus! Megumi's actually doing her job and hunting Fangires while you're bitching to teacher, Nago colossal prick! Shima has about the same reaction as I do, noting that Nago is a sorry excuse of a human being, and that he's not allowed to be Ixa until he acknowledges his flaws.

We get a pretty well-done scene where Mio finally decides to maybe accept her terrible job and appear before a Fangire dude and his girlfriend... and as Mio raises her hand, the Fangire man suddenly pushes his girlfriend away, begs the Queen for leniency, willing to submit to his punishment as long as his girlfriend is spared. Obviously Mio can't go through with it when she sees that display, and allos the couple to go away... straight into the path of a gigantic CGI Kamehameha courtesy of Bishop.

And poor Mio's just panicking at the sight of this, that there's no escape for her, and we get a brief moment of her going to Wataru's house, sort of looking for stability, and we get the obligatory violin playing sequence. Obviously this is just a shorthand for the writers to get Wataru involved with the plot, which has been exclusively focusing on the Checkmate Four people, but it does kind of showcase just how panicked and not in her right mind Mio is. The Spider Fangire ends up attacking Mio, crawling on the ground all creepy-like. Megumi and crybaby Nago show up, with Nago of course frothing and demanding that the Spider Fangire "return my Ixa!"

In perhaps one of the best and most hilarious and epic transformation sequences ever, the Spider Fangire just gives Nago this shit-eating grin, puts on the Ixa belt and goes HEN-SHIN. That was a wonderful face that the Spider Fangire makes. That's complete disrespect to Nago. That's glorious.

Nago gets the ever-loving shit beaten out of him by the Spider Fangire in Ixa armour, and somehow the Spider Fangire's able to pull out his stupid sock puppets while in Ixa form jsut to mock Nago. That's hilarious. Also hilarious is Megumi's plan to take out the Spider Fangire. Sort of flirt with him, talk about how she likes powerful men, and the stalker fool de-henshins to receive a kiss from Megumi... who proceeds to kick the creepy bastard straight in the nuts. That's glorious. Megumi rips out the Ixa belt away from the Spider Fangire while drop-kicking him, but it's a shame that the show writers are so fixated with the idea that Nago has to be Kamen Rider Ixa, because narratively it really feels pretty off to have Megumi just toss the Ixa system to Nago instead of using it herself. It'd be different if we actually saw Nago actually doing something to earn the Ixa belt throughout the course of the episode, but all he did was screech and cry a little. I'm not complaining too much because the end of the episode implies that this might be intentional for Nago's character arc.

Because after the fight is over (which we're skipping over for a bit), we get to see Megumi and Nago in front of Shima, and Nago appears to have character development, apologizing to Shima and admitting how Ixa being stolen was his fault and how he's totally resigning as Ixa... and, of course, Shima allows Nago to keep it. Pretty boring, undeserved character retooling, right? After all, Nago does jack shit throughout these two episodes that really shows that he 'deserves' Ixa, and this speech came right out of nowhere. And that's because it is. Only seen by the audience is the absolutely asshole-looking knowing smirk. Nago is faking character development, and that's such an unexpected way to take the character. He's an unrepentant ass, and he's still refusing to change for the better and he's just stringing Shima and Megumi along. I'm not even mad, at least if you're going to have Nago be Ixa's wielder you could stand to make him less one-dimensional, even if (and I hope this is the case) this is building him up to be an antagonist. Well, moreso than he has been, anyway.

Following up on the battle after Ixa scares him off, Spider Fangire runs away and bumps into Mio and Wataru... and we get some hilarious gesticulating on the part of the Spider Fangire, ranting about how it's all Mio's fault that everything's shot to shit, and Wataru panics because he can't transform into his superhero vampire form in front of Mio. The Spider Fangire beats the fuck out of Wataru in front of Mio and it's sort of a parallel to how Kiva Emperor Form is activated -- only this time it's Mio's Queen powers flaring to life as she sees Wataru being brutalized. Mio activates her Queen powers (while Wataru's kind of unconscious?) and then when the Spider tosses Wataru into the river, at which point Wataru turns into Emperor Kiva off-screen and takes out the Spider. It's, uh... kind of iffy how somehow neither Mio nor Wataru see each other's superpower, but okay. There's a wee bit of disappointment that, again, it's the dude that ends up delivering the finishing blow in the fight, but it's quickly rectified in a later scene.

Because the final scene of the episode is the pretty cool sequence showing that the Spider Fangire somehow survives Emperor Kiva's badass downward slash... only to meet Mio, calmly walking towards him. The Spider Fangire rants about how he wants Megumi and all that, and Mio calmly says "you're in love with a human woman, aren't you?" which is a development that completely blindsided me. Suddenly it's extra-appropriate and so perfect that Mio is the one that finishes off the Spider Fangire, finally finding a detestable person she doesn't mind killing. And it's even a karmic death for the Spider Fangire for all of the sliminess he's been doing all season, plus it's a far better sendoff for the recurring villain than just being taken out in an honestly samey Emperor Kiva fight. She does the same giant blood-moon (Mio's is pink!) and dark-of-night-falls-upon-you stuff, which is awesome as all hell. Mio even leaves a giant-ass Checkmate Four sigil on the concrete, like Kiva does!

And it seems that despite the catharsis of seeing a recurring antagonist get killed and taken out, I'm not sure what this means for Mio. She's killed a human-loving Fangire so presumably Bishop will hold back for the moment? But on the other hand, she's killed and that might be one of the winning conditions for Bishop; that Mio awakens as Queen whether it's killing some randoms or killing the Spider Fangire. Throw in the surprisingly exciting Nago situation into the mix, and I'm actually genuinely excited about all the plot developments here, which isn't something I've been for a fair amount of time in Kiva.

Random Notes:

• Bishop is played by Murata Mitsu, who is best-known for playing The Man, one of the main villains of Kamen Rider Hibiki who's introduced in the second half. Murata Mitsu would also later play secondary villain Legion in Kamen Rider Wizard. 
• Rook gets a pretty hilarious line lampshading just how many Fangires and humans fall in love with each other, because it seems like every single time Queen shows up there's a couple that needed to be eradicated.
• Turns out that Mio doesn't know (or is in severe denial) about her role as the Fangire Queen, so that ominous glare she shot Shinji and Ryoko last episode was just kind of a red herring?
• Know Your Fangires: This one's the Shark Fangire, and not one I would've thoght to be obvious if it isn't pointed out to me. 
• Emperor Kiva also seems to go through a long stock transformation sequence. Which I don't have as much of a problem of compared to the Arms Monsters forms, because it's a bit cooler, but it definitely could get old pretty fast. 
• Creepy as he was, I will miss the Spider Fangire. He's such a hammy, over-the-top lunatic. 
• Maya being the token 'good' villain among the Checkmate Four (or at least the one with the potential to sympathize with humans) is kind of an obvious development in retrospect; how else will the power of Queen fall to such a conflicted person like Mio in 2009? 
• Bishop explicitly notes that 2009-era King has yet to have 'awakened', which sort of obliquely sets up the main villain of the 1986 arc to be that era's King, which can actually get defeated by the 1986 cast, unlike all of the other Fangires that would show up in 2009.
• I originally made a huge fuss about wondering why the Ixa belt could be used by a Fangire, somehow forgetting that one of the two primary users of Ixa in 1986 is a monster himself. 
• Emperor Kiva's finisher this time aroud is the "Garulu Fever", where Tatsulot is connected with the Garulu Saber or something, so the Arms Monsters have some sort of relevance even with Emperor Kiva. In this case, Garulu Fever makes some crazy rocket-exhaust thing emerge from the saber to propel Emperor Kiva into the air so he can do a downward slash. Okay.
•  

Reviewing Monsters: Pikmin

Pikmin!

A reader last year suggested Pikmin as a game that I could do a "Reviewing Monsters" bit for... and I know scant little of the game. I played a little bit of the original game, where you play as an astronaut who crashes on an alien planet, and have to scavenge parts of the ship before the toxic atmosphere overwhelms him. To this end he ends up befriending local plant-creatures called the Pikmin, which are all adorable and stuff... and I didn't really end up playing too much of it before my Wii broke down. Basically it's a bit of a combination of a resource management, real-time strategy and puzzle game, where you have 30 in-game days (each day lasts around 20 minutes) to explore the strange planet with your Pikmin buddies in tow to gather all the ship parts and not lose them to the monsters that wander the world.

I know kinda-sorta enough of the game to get an idea what the gameplay is like, but it's been a long while since I played it. I do think that it's going to be an interesting experiment, though, to just go into a monster review 'blind', just going to the game Wiki and just going through the list of monsters and reviewing them from there with zero knowledge on what the real lore of the game or how these monsters function as game enemies or whatnot, so enjoy my completely blind review of these creatures!


Spotted Bulborb/Red Bulborb (Oculus kageyamii russus)
So as I gather, these "Bulborbs" are the more common enemies for our happy little alien plant-sprites They are iconic enough to show up in the cover gobbling up the adorable little Pikmin, so... probably? It's a simple enough monster design, looking like the whimsical thing that a kid would design as a cutesy monster creature, and I mean that as a complement. The Red Bulborb (originally named Spotted Bulborb in the first Pikmin game) is nothing more than a huge maw with tiny chicken-feet and slug stalk-eyes with googly eyes, and apparently the monsters in Pikmin have scientific Latin names -- Oculus kageyamii russus in this critter's case. I absolutely love games that take the time to do this!

There's really not much to say here, it's a pretty neat, simple monster with a simple behaviour -- these fuckers feed on small animals returning to their nests at night, and unfortunately for our main character Olimar, this means that the Bulborbs will be chomping down on your poor little Pikmin. Their weak point are their tiny chicken-legs or their rear, which... kind of makes sense since this thing is basically a big walking mouth.

Since I'm working off of Wiki pages, I'm just basically reading through the "notes" segment of the four Pikmin games, and the Spotted/Red Bulborb's lore has been expanded in the next couple of games, and the pokedex-equivalent in the Pikmin world seems to be some sort of zoology notebook. Extremely charming! The Bulborb is noted to be part of the "Grub Dog" family, which... okay, so it's fusion between a worm and a dog? And at some point in the series, Olimar develops a taste for eating the enemies. He ends up realizing that Bulborbs are "best spit-roasted whole, stuffed with lime and a slab of bacon".

Dwarf Red Bulborb (Pansarus pseudooculii russus) & 
Oh, hey, it's a smaller Red Bulborb. Except... it's not a Bulborb, as its scientific name will tell you. Pansarus pseudoocculii russus is a dang mimic! It's a pseudo-red-Bulborb! They perfectly resemble the Red Bulborbs, except they're smaller with more chibi-esque proportions. But despite their name, they aren't actually Bulborbs, but are Breadbugs -- a creature we'll cover later. It's kind of neat that apparently the larval stage of another species have grown to mimic the appearance of a different creature, an adaptation that is done by many real-life species! That's such a cool little detail that they didn't have to do, but it's like the Mullerian mimicry where the non-venomous scarlet king snakes have similar markings to the very poisonous coral snakes to deter predators. 

Unlike most real-life mimics, though, these Dwarf Red Bulborbs actually co-mingle with the larger, more dangerous creatures they mimic, with the Dwarf Bulborbs hanging out with their larger Red Bulborb counterparts. These guys are kind of weak, and if you toss a Pikmin to knock it down to the ground, they will scream and summon the bigger Red Bulborbs to the area. I guess that's a sort of symbiosis, there the Dwarf Bulborbs end up acting like a watchdog or spotter to the Bulborb colony or something?


Breadbug (Pansarus gluttonae)
A closer relative to the Dwarf Red Bulborb is the Breadbug, which is a vague creature with a similar body layout to the Bulborb, but with a weird shell around its rear part that resembles bread rolls. And also it has glowing blue eyes. Unlike the Bulborbs, which will swallow and munch on Pikmin, the Breadbugs are more of an annoyance. The in-game texts identify these guys as scaengers that simply compete with many of the same resources that the Pikmin do. The Breadbugs won't devour your Pikmin, but will drag them or the treasures you're looking for into their lair. The Breadbug is a far more defensive creature thanks to its bread hide. I'm not sure how combat even works in these games, but that's what the in-universe flavour text tells me!



Spotty Bulbear (Oculus terribilis dotticum) & Dwarf Bulbear (Oculus terriblis)
The larger cousin (they're part of the same Oculus genus!) of the Red Bulborb is the Bulbear, which is basically the bear equivalent in the ecosystem of Pikmin. It still has the same body layout that the Bulborbs and the Breadbugs have, but it has thicker, disturbingly human-like lips and nostrils, and have colouration that's meant to be evocative of a bear. It's noted that these Bulbears are far more aggressive, devouring Pikmin more quickly and more ravenously. They're also often accompanied by a swarm of Dwarf Bulbears that sort of feed off of its leftovers. Like bears, they like to sleep in their lairs. The game lore also notes that the Bulbears patrol and actively hunt for prey, compared to the more passive Bulborbs that just attack smaller creatures that wander into a territorial range. I do like all of these random little details about these creatures' biology and behaviour, and it seems like these random details I'm reading about in the Wiki is probably relevant to how the in-game enemy behaves.

Unlike the Dwarf Red Bulborbs, the Dwarf Bulbears are actual juvenile Bulbears. It's neat, and they basically just hang out around the bigger Bulbears, practicing patrolling a route until they can figure one out on their own. The Wiki seems undecided on whether the Dwarf Bulbear is another Breadbug mimic or a juvenile Bulbear, but all of the in-game texts and the scientific name identify the Dwarf Bulbear as indeed being a Bulbear, part of the Oculus genus.


Water Dumple (Ichthyosa felinis)
Despite its common name being the "Water Dumple", this creature is apparently a relative to the Bulborb that have evolved to live in an aquatic lifestyle and... it sure is a strange creature! I would call bullshit, but then again whales are mammalians, so it's not too far off, I guess! It's like this huge slime-like blob with slug feet on its back a whale-like maw, no eyes, and a lot of purple scales that presumably is why its scientific name is Ichthyosa. It's a pretty neat-looking, if creepy, enemy, and I'm not even sure what part of this is meant to be felinis. It's a weird blobfish-slug-cat thing? They behave like the Bulborb, except they can also move around in aquatic areas. It's very interesting how all of the Pikmin games note that these Water Dumples are close relatives to the Bulborb as proven by the skeletal structures, evolutionary pathways and whatnot. Kind of a strange critter, but a pretty neat one.


Wogpole & Yellow Wollywog (Amphicaris frodendum)
Wogpoles are... little stylized tadpoles! They're apparently completely harmless, just flopping around harmlessly on land and serve as food for your Pikmin. Because your Pikmin are plant creatures, and I suppose killing animals and then using their corpses as compost is a neat showcase of the circle of live or whatever. Wogpoles are kind of just there, and they remind me of a more froggy version of the Pokemon Tympole with a spherical head and two large eyes on either side of the head.

Their adult stage, the Yellow Wollywog, is an adorable stylized mouthless frog-monster, with a huge chunky bus-like body, adorably large eyes and teeny-tiny frog legs, and it's got a neat orange/yellow-green colour scheme that just looks neat... I dunno. I just really like this take on making a frog monster. It's still unmistakably a frog, but it's just got such a bizarre set of proportions! Their Japanese name is literally "Potato Frog", which is even funnier. They jump around and attempt to squish Pikmin if they get too close, and they can temporarily float in the air. Interestingly, unlike real frogs and toads, the Wollywogs in their adult stage are completely terrestrial, being unable to swim and can only jump around.


Wollywog (Amphicaris albino)
Interestingly the version of the Wollywog that doesn't need a colour identifier is the Amphicaris albino, the albino Wollywog, and this one has a far more frog-shaped body layout, although the feet are still too tiny for its body, its eyes too large and it still doesn't have a mouth. Being an albino creature, these Wollywogs live in subterranean caves and whatnot, and it's a nice nod to how a lot of real-world subterranean creatures have evolved to have albino-like coloration. Hell, one of the in-game lore bits even specifically uses the term 'troglodytic', which I love! Not much to say here, I just like that there are different variants of a creature adapted to different parts of the terrain.



Iridescent Flint Beetle (Pilli envelopens)
The Iridescent Flint Beetle is sure a funky-looking animal, going from a watermelon with two stalk-like eyes and four legs to the far more elaborate design seen in the newer games, seemingly based on one of those colourful domed beetles. I do like that despite having a pretty bug-like appearance, the Iridescent Flint Beetle still looks pretty bizarrely alien with an almost metallic quality to its lower body, as well as the almost comical eyeballs attached to its eyestalks. The newer design is sure dang pretty! 

The Flint Beetle is actually not a harmful creature, and is basically something you love to find -- unable to harm you, but will drop loot if you toss Pikmin onto it, flavoured as the Flint Beetle dropping all of the pellets it stores in its stomach that's apparently its hibernation stockpile. You don't actually kill the Flint Beetle, thankfully, since it has a real tough shell. You just scare it enough into dropping its hard-earned loot that it was planning to store for winter and claim it for your own, presumably leaving the Flint Beetle to cry and mourn the fact that it's going to starve to death in the coming winter, you monster.


Female & Male Sheargrub (Himeagea mandibulosa)
The Sheargrubs are little insects that look like a cross between a real-world maggot and a real-world beetle larva, and unlike the Bulborbs, they are more of an annoyance than a threat. The Female Sheargrubs have the pinky-white colour of maggots, and they are scavengers that never attack your Pikmin, just burst out of the ground, chase them and scare them around, and they will fuck up some of the bridges that your Pikmin build. According to the in-game notes, these creatures aren't actually larval stages of a larger beetle-like animal, but are instead insectoid animals that have regressed and lost wings and legs as part of evolution. Interesting.

The male versions of the species are purple, have larger fangs and an armoured... abdomen? The males are predatory and aggrsesive, and will attack the Pikmin, in addition to destroying structures and whatnot. Their Japanese name is ujinko, a pun on maggot (uji) and parrot (inko), although there's not a whole ton of 'parrot' in their design. Mostly, I do like them for being chunky, cute little bug enemies.


Shearwig (Himeagea volaris)
The Shearwig is part of the same Himeagea family that the Sheargrubs are from, but its from a completely different species -- it's an interesting thing to do, most games wouldn't be able to resist making the Shearwig as an adult, flying form of the Sheargrub. The Shearwigs we see in the game are apparently only the male variety, as the game lore establishes that all of the female ones live underground, like cicada larvae or something. 

The Shearwigs are pretty neat and there's something just extra whimsical about the teeny-tiny malproportioned wings that seem to pinch up this fat maggot-grub up, defying all the laws of physics. It's got this armoured chitinous carapace mask covering its front half ending with a massive beak that I think opens sideways. Basically, they behave like Sheargrubs, except with the added ability to fly. Also, since their back half is just exposed maggot flesh, it's their weak point and lobbing one of your Pikmin minions there will insta-kill a Shearwig.


Swooping Snitchbug (Scarpanica kesperens)
Another insectoid enemy, the Swooping Snitchbug is part of the Scarpanica genus instead of the Himeagea, because it's not a grub-based critter. While a lot of the non-Bulborb enemies we've seen so far have been relatively down-to-earth enemies that look more like dramatizations of like, mutant maggots or frogs or whatever, the Swooping Snitchbug is the first non-Bulborb creature to look more like a weird monster. Sure it's got evidently insectoid features, but it definitely looks more like an enemy in Mega Man or Mario, being a dumpy insect abdomen with two gangly arms and a fly's head and some moth antennae slapped onto it. Its massive moth antennae double as this creature's wings, allowing it to fly around. 

Its modus operandi is to kidnap your Pikmins, swooping in and grabbing them with their gangly claws and flying off... before slamming the Pikmin back to the ground and reverting them to their sprout stage. The lore in some of the games note that the Scarpanid creatures used to live on the ground with poorly-developed wings, but eventually evolved antennae that allow them to fly. The lore also notes that the Snitchbugs apparently don't actually eat Pikmin, and will always exclusively drop them to the ground. Are the Snitchbugs just sadists? Or did they mistake the Pikmin for a different prey and toss away the captured plant-sprites in disgust when they realize they can't eat what they just snatched?


Fiery Blowhog (Sus draconus)
The Fiery Blowhog, judging by its name, is some sort of pig, but I wouldn't have guessed by looking at the picture. It's just this nondescript lumpy thing with sad eyes, four pudgy legs and a leathery, disturbing texture. And it's got a tube for a mouth, which is where the 'fiery' and 'blow' part of its name comes from, because it breathes fire. Not really a whole ton to say here, it looks like an enemy straight out of Zelda, one of those fancy Nintendo monsters that's just "okay, how do we communicate an enemy that shoots fire out of its mouth? Well, just slap a flamethrower appendage on a fat pig body I guess?" 

However, there's a neat attempt to explain just how a biological creature can breathe fire -- extra dangerous to your plant-based buddies -- and it's by expelling volatile phosphorous compounds, which are only explosive when mixed together in air. Okay! That sounds fantastical, but that's exactly what real-world Bombardier Beetles do, although their 'bombs' are more of a caustic acid than fire!


Puffy Blowhog (Sus inflata)
The other member of the Sus family, the Puffy Blowhog, which flies around by inflating itself like a goddang balloon. A bizarre combination of the Blowhog pig, seal flippers and pufferfish spines, the Puffy Blowhog... uh... sure looks trippy, like something out of Winnie the Pooh or something. It looks tasty, like it's a candy or something, but knowing nature, the bright blue and purple markings probably means it's poisonous. Being partly based on a pufferfish means that the Puffy Blowhog likes to hang out in watery areas. It uses a hydrogen gas, inhaling them with its snout and floating with it, and then expelling it through the row of blowholes on its side, which is neat! Also, it somehow generates electricity, because why not, I guess.

Honeywisp (Nektara fatuus)
A completely bizarre creature, the Honeywisp is less of an enemy and more of a walking treasure chest. It's just this tiny little ghost-like sprite carrying around a huge dollop of honey, which your Pikmin can beat up and steal from. I do really like the design of the Wisp, though, with its upside-down teardrop body, and its body being see-through, allowing us to see the little pink... internal organs? Absolutely love the fact that there are little eye-stalks (nerves?) connecting the pink eyeballs on the surface of the clear body to the internal pink body within. Are they based on Cliones? After all, it's not the first time a Nintendo game has had a creature inspired by the whimsical sea angels, although combining the visual look of a Clione with the behaviour of a honeybee is way more creative than anything Manaphy ever did. Of course, they behave like little fairy wisps, moving in and out of the trees, and the game's lore segments explain that these Honeywisps collect nectar for the larvae waiting in their nests, which is neat! The 'wispy' part of it is further emphasized by the fact that upon death, their physical structure instantly collapses, causing it to be particularly difficult to study.



Pearly Clamclamp (Lapis regrettabilis)
Okay, this one is kind of boring. It's just a giant clam with a pearl within. All of the other Pikmin enemies have been whimsically weird monsters, and even the more mundane ones like the Wogpole and Sheargrub have had some sort of a twist to them. The Pearly Clamclamp is just a clam that will chomp down on your Pikmin as they try to extract the valuable pearl as fast as possible, with the games noting that this is actually a way for them to feed, venus flytrap style. It's also not exclusively water-borne like Earth clams, because these are as likely to show up in the middle of the forest as they are in aquatic areas. That doesn't make this critter slightly more interesting, but I felt like they could've done more.


Mamuta
The Mamuta is the only enemy in Pikmin to not have a scientific name, and the only one that I can tell isn't inspired by some sort of real-life animal or plant. It's a misshappen rock-critter with cute gangly arms and googly eyes, and just kind of looks pretty bizarre. It's got thee weird runic bracers on, so is there like some sort of golem thing going on? They are just huge rock giants that sort of hang out as NPC's, I guess, able to transform one of your Pikmins into a far more valuable Flower Pikmin. There's only a single Mamuta in the entirety of the first Pikmin game, acting essentially as an NPC, but it would actually be a bit more hostile in the subsequent game, although that's more of an attempt to 'replant' Pikmin into Flower Pikmins... but woe betide you if the Mamuta decides to attack one of your 'leaders', the human astronauts you control. There's a whole lot of mystery on what Mamuta is, with the game's various protagonists noting how the Mamuta loves to plant flowers, but only for decorative properties, and also plants fruit-bearing plants to harvest seeds. It's basically a farmer rock, and I suppose these might be the creatures that cultivated the Pikmin in the first place? I mean, isn't it super convenient that the helpful plant-sprites in this world is also so readily able to be planted and farmed?

That's all for the regular enemies for Pikmin! It's pretty whimsical, and I like it, and we'll cover the bosses in a separate segment!

One Piece 698-671 Review: The Idiot Lord

One Piece, Chapters 698-671

Chapter 698: Oden's Return
We continue with my huge readthrough of One Piece's newest chapters, and it's... it's sure a huge feeling reading through all of these chapters in one go. It's like reading a whole tankobon volume, and it's so, so interesting to speculate on what the fuck went on during Roger's final trip to reach the One Piece. We get a couple of oblique scenes, like Shanks asking Roger some questions before crying his eyes out, or the moment when the World Government censors "Gol D. Roger" into "Gold Roger", and how for the remainder of Roger's career, pirates and marines alike are all hunting Gold Roger's crew, leading to the pretty cheerful disbandment of the Roger Pirates.

Interestingly, we get a bit of a random scene where we get a bunch of Sea Kings talking to each other about how "our kings are about to be born", seemingly referring to Shirahoshi and... someone else? Someone that will come from a far away sea? Whether this is Luffy or someone else remains to be seen. Roger realizes that the timeline of what the Sea Kings are talking about lines up with Shyarly's prophecy about Poseidon's birth, which is pretty interesting. We get Roger and Rayleigh discussing how they were "too early", which... again, it's interesting, and I'm not sure if they had actually needed the Ultimate Weapons to properly unlock One Piece or something? It's around this point that Roger decides to make a son, and it's sort of handled in a hilarious joking manner... but then you remember what ultimately happened to poor, poor Ace and it's just kind of sad.

I absolutely love how as the Roger Pirates send off Roger at a port, Oden's monologue talks about how "in a man's farewell, there are no tears. The Pirate King's crew do not cry." while the artwork makes it clear that every single god-damn person on Roger's ship is making the One Piece ugly crying face.

Meanwhile, the Roger Pirates end up dropping Oden off back at Wano, and Oden attributes Wano's closed borders to the terrible weather... before ominously noting that Wano will open the borders at "the day Joy Boy finally appears". Wait, so Joy Boy is a title? Or is he some dude that'll return back alive? Is Luffy the new Joy Boy? So many questions from this one random line Oden said. Anyway, Oden is reunited with his family and his retainers... and Kin'emon and the other Scabbards are less than pleased to see Oden. The people of Wano are happy to greet Oden back, though, and all of the goodwill is apparently thanks to Toki herself being an absolutely awesome people person who mingled with the small folk while talking up Oden's deeds. Kin'emon and the others are still not particularly pleased with what the see as an abandonment of the country, while Denjiro and Ashura Doji have returned back to their old lifestyles. Considering that those two ended up also doing so in the present-day timeline (Ashura's back to being a bandit and Denjiro's MIA, anyway) it's not that hard to believe that they're some of the more flaky members of the Scabbards.

Oden ends up being briefed about Wano's current politics, the weapon factories being built everywhere, the death of his father... but more worryingly, the fact that apparently, both Sukiyaki and Oden apparently gave their blessing to Orochi as shogun. Kaido is also apparently already working with Orochi at this point, and Kin'emon and company tell Oden that at one point, the Scabbards attempted to resist when Orochi executed a man's family for refusing to work... but instead, this is a ploy for Kaido's forces to try and assassinate the Kozuki heir, Momonosuke. Toki is the one that ended up using her body as a shield, being scarred on the leg. And Oden is obviously instantly furious, and the monologue is pretty badass as Oden heads off to war, charging out of Kuri and sprinting across Wano itself to take out the fool that has taken over Wano. Oden easily takes out Orochi's entire retinue of guards, and charges straight into Orochi's throne room with the intent to murder him, and Oden really doesn't give a shit about anything Orochi has to say, which is pretty damn badass. "Your death comes before anything else."

Chapter 696: The Idiot Lord

...except we know how this plays out. Orochi survives to become an antagonist in the present day, while Oden is dead. Oden's attempted attack on Orochi ends up being repelled by a massive forcefield created by the old man that accompanied Higurashi... who we learn is called Kurozumi Semimaru, and also the previous wielder of the Bari Bari fruit, Bartolomeo's devil fruit. It's... it's really interesting. This means that both older Kurozumi devil fruit users are going to kick the bucket before the flashback is over, but it's, again, pretty dang interesting to see previous wielders of these Devil Fruits in a different era.

We get a bit of yelling between Oden demanding Orochi abdicate, Orochi's gloating and the revelation that Higurashi is the one who pulled the strings and the fact that the Kurozumis basically assassinated Sukiyaki... while we cut back and forth between the narrator talking and the people of Wano cheering for the return of the rightful Kozuki heir. There's a bit with poisoned arrows and a brief sight of Kaido's dragon form above the Flower Capital's skies... and we cut into a two-page spread with Oden dancing around with nothing but a loincloth instead of fighting Orochi and Kaido, making a complete and utter fool out of himself while the bad guys mock him and the people of Wano just look on in shock as their supposed savior acts like a complete idiot instead of a hero.

And after multiple chapters of Oden being hyped up as basically a man on the caliber of Whitebeard and Roger, it's not surprising that this chapter is another one that caused the fandom to explode in confusion and anger at the fact that Oden's a complete fool. Of course, it's pretty obvious that between the Oden/Orochi confrontation and Oden dancing like an idiot, something has happened -- and the only thing that could make Oden do this is probably a huge hostage situation.

We get a montage of Oden doing this for years as the people continue to mock him and the retainers are confused, while propaganda is spread about what a complete moron Oden is and whatnot. We get to see Oden's reaction to Gold Roger's execution as Orochi ends up sending a newspaper from the outside world to Oden, something that he totally does just to spite the poor man, and Oden's reaction is... a mixture of mourning and laughing, which is an interesting one. Again, it's definitely something that has to do with the true meaning of the One Piece, and it's going to be interesting to reread these chapters after we eventually get like the whole story about the meaning of One Piece in like 2045 or something. We get another brief continuity nod as Kaidou's battle with Gekko Moriah is noted to happen at around this point, and this was when Moriah ransacked the grave of Ryouma.

Eventually, the only people still believing in Oden the Idiot Lord are his family, his Scabbards, and the few allies he has like Yasuie and Hyogoro... and we briefly get to see Hyogoro's wife as Oden pays them a visit. But five years after the fact, and Orochi arrives in Kuri to kick Oden around and demand the creation of even more factories, and Oden is absolutely baffled. "What about the boat, and what about Kaido?" Clearly, Orochi made a deal with Oden that he clearly has no intention of keeping, and while it's completely stupid for Oden to trust a snake like Orochi, we later learn the reason and it's hard to really say what Oden really could've done in his position. Orochi mocks Oden, talking about how Hyogoro had refused to comply, and how Orochi had given Hyogoro over to Kaidou and murdered Hyogoro's wife.

It's this that ended up absolutely making Oden furious. And as someone who has been forced to endure pain for five long years, he ended up finally being furious and finally decides that enough is enough, and he's going to make Kaidou pay. We get this absolutely glorious closing two-page spread as the remaining Samurai with wide-brimmed hats march towards the capital with the intention of toppling Kaido and Orochi... and even Ashura and Denjirou have returned to help out as well... it's just kind of bittersweet that even the narrator acknowledges that despite their resolve and badass pose, this endeavour will end up leading in the failure and public execution of Oden. 

Chapter 670: Oden vs. Kaido
670, I feel, sort of disappointed some parts of the fandom because they expected a far more elaborate and fancy confrontation, but at the same time... we sort of know that Oden loses. Would I love a full chapter of nothing but the Oden/Kaido fight? Sure, that'd be neat, but it'd also slow down the already long flashback arc by another week, and as a battle whose outcome we already know, we honestly won't get all that much by extending it.

Anyway, 670 starts off with Oden and the Scabbards facing off against Kaido in drgaon form, who ominously notes that there's a spy within Oden's ranks. Now I'm not about to get into yet another discussion about who the spy is, and how everyone thinks it's either Kanjurou or Shinobu... but I don't know. I have my own theories on who the spy is, but mostly because all the other characters have had huge moments of being a good person, so I dunno. If it's any of the Scabbards, I do hope we get a decent explanation as to why they're doing this. Anyway, Oden vs Kaido! Kaido claims that if Oden had resisted back in chapter 696, maybe they would've stood a chance when Kaido was still marshaling forces and whatnot, and mocks Oden for being soft and being afraid about casualties, and Kaido just gives this long, long rant about how silly Oden, Newgate and Roger are for being pirates that are kind. Oden, of course, doesn't regret any of the decisions he's made that ended up with him losing his pride, and goes straight into battle.

The battle... mostly takes place off-screen with Oden and his Samurai blowing away Kaido's goons, and we get a bit where young Shinobu shows up to assist Oden, and it's interesting that Shinobu's expressions seem... conflicted as Oden talks about how he doesn't blame the other ninjas for 'losing faith in an idiot lord'. I guess Shinobu might've been the traitor or a spy in the past, but her encounter with Oden in 670-671 changed her mind? We get brief glimpses of Queen and King facing off against the samurai, before Oden unleashes the massive two-blade strike with black haki lightning that unleashed that massive scar on Kaido's chest, in a blow that actually brought Kaido down onto the ground. Of course, poor Oden ends up getting stopped from dealing what seemed to be a fatal blow on Kaido when what appears to be Momonosuke is about to be stabbed in the face by a member of the Beasts Pirates... except it's actually Higuarashi, the shape-shifting old hag. This momentary distraction is what's needed for Kaido to get the drop on Oden and whack him in the head, taking him out and claiming victory. A bit of an anti-climactic end? Perhaps. It's sudden, it's quick, and Oden's beaten by foul play, but it's all right. I personally don't really have much of a problem with anything that happens here.

And then Oden's rebellion was quashed, and we get a brief showcase of how Oden made a huge scene about how he doesn't know who the hell Shinobu is, identifying her as an assassin after his life, causing Shinobu to end up being released, while Oden and his Samurai are to be killed by boiling in a cauldron.

Chapter 671: Condemned to Boil
This chapter starts off with a neat bit, with Momonosuke eating some food after it's being tested for poison, while Toki informs him that he's going to carry the burden of the country some day. Meanwhile, Oden and company are about to be boiled alive in a gigantic cauldron of oil. The people of Wano are apparently still not particularly pleased with Oden, mocking him as an Idiot Lord as he's about to be boiled. We get to see some random dude get burned straight to death when he slipped and fell into the boiling oil, which is actually surprisingly brutal for One Piece standards.

Oden, meanwhile, makes a deal with Kaido, telling him that he can decide on a time, and Kaido will release the survivors after the allotted time... even though death via oil-boiling is supposed to be an instant death sentence. Kaido finds this amusing enough that he sets the time to one hour, and Oden jumps straight into the boiling oil... then pulls out a plank to hold up his samurai, rescuing them all from the fate of being burned alive and telling them to shut up with an order. Kaido is satisfied enough and finds the whoel thing amusing despite Orochi's protests, and we get to see poor Oden suffer as the clock counts down and Kaido and Orochi continue to mock him. It's a pretty badass sequence, and honestly, not the worst way to die.

Some random fucker mocks Oden as an 'idiot lord' that's making the execution a boring affair, and Shinobu straight up just chokes the dude. Should've thrown the dude into boiling oil is what I would do if I was in her position, really, and Shinobu begins to rant and explain just what the hostage situation is all about not just to the audience, but also the people of Wano, restoring Oden's reputation and making the whole oil-boiling sequence the actual 'Hour of Legends' instead of the fight. Shinobu reveals that Orochi doesn't care about ruling Wano, nor does he care about being a dictator or a shogun, but he just wants to ruin all of Wano for persecuting him as a member of the Kurozumi clan. He straight up wants to fuck Wano up, and Orochi had threatened Oden with the lives of hundreds of kidnapped people that are tied up and taken hostage, meant to be given to Kaido to either sell or murder as he please. Apparently prior to the whole 'idiot lord' sequence there's a brief fight between Oden and Kaido, before Orochi made a proposal -- dance naked every day as a sign of apology to the Kurozumi family, and he will save 100 kidnapped people every day, while Orochi and Kaido made the deal to leave the country after they build their ships.

And... and it's easy, in retrospect, to say that Oden shouldn't have negotiated with terrorists, or that he should've called in his Whitebeard/Roger Pirates allies, or he should just Oden Nitoryu'd his way through anyway... but can he really do that? Oden's the sort of self-sacrificing dude that would give up his own happiness before, taking on the blame of the giant pig rampaging in the place of Kin'emon and getting himself exiled from the capital city, or voluntarily letting go of the chain that tied him to Whitebeard's ship to save a random damsel in distress. For all his badassery, Oden has had a track record of really just sacrificing himself even though it might not be the smartest or most logical thing to do... and I feel like that's pretty dang consistent with One Piece as a whole. Sure, he could've been smarter about it and tried to find another solution, but ultimately I do feel like Oden deciding to play the role of the idiot lord is pretty on-brand with the character.

Anyway, it's an interesting end to him, and one that's a whole lot more interesting than just "he fought Kaido, lost and got executed". Ultimately Oden hasn't made all the optimal decisions or whatever, but his story is still a pretty dang interesting one! As someone who literally didn't give two shits about Oden or Wano when the arc started, they really ended up making me attached to this character, huh?


Random Notes:

• The Bege cover story now pits Bege's gang members against the marines, who have arrested Chiffon. M'kay. 
• The Sea Kings also discuss offhandedly how the 'whales will be happy too', so, uh, Laboon might be a mite bit more relevant than we thought he is, huh?
• Toki's scar is going to be important, because we spent a fair bit of screentime in the otherwise pretty fast-paced arc focusing on that. The amount of focus we spend on Oden looking at the scar makes me want to believe that Toki somehow survived and will be involved in the present-day arc in some way. Is she actually Komurasaki? 
• Young Gekko Moriah actually looks like he has the proportions of a normal person, and not the bizarre fucked-up Frankensteined doll creature he is in the present day!
• Throughout all of these chapters, one thing that is the point of discussion is Toki being unnervingly calm about everything that's going on. Sure, she's got future sight, but previous chapters seemed to show that her love for Oden is genuine, so seeing her more or less emotionless and even apathetic about Oden's death seems to hint that she either has something up her sleeve, or there's more to her than meets the eye. 
• Oil boils at 300 degrees Celsius, by the way, which is significantly hotter than regular old boiling water. 
• This whole death-by-oil sequence with Oden lifting up his retainers is a specific homage to Japanese hero Goemon, who reportedly did the same thing to rescue his brother.