One Piece 830 Review: Big Mom's Fish Daughter

One Piece, Chapter 830: He Who Gets Bet On

That flashback early in the chapter with Jinbe telling everyone in Fishman Island that he's going to quit Big Mom's pirates and join Luffy is honestly not that necessary, neither is the montage of the random fishmen all going 'yeah, Jinbe, you rock, follow your own dreams for once'. It's a cool, heartwarming moment, though. We also get a bit with Aladdin Aladine, who apparently has married one of Big Mom's children, and the other Fishmen note that if Jinbe leaves the crew and brings Big Mom's wrath upon the Fishmen, it'll put Aladine in an awkward situation.

Aladine is married to Charlotte Praline, who's a hammerhead shark mermaid and a pretty cool-looking design at that. Despite everyone being scared shitless of Praline (and the readers probably being surprised that Big Mom got it on with a Fishman) she makes it clear that she's totally in love with Aladine and will probably side with Aladine if it comes to it... but she's also scary enough. She's Big Mom's daughter, after all, and she notes that Jinbe isn't the first person to leave, but no one has survived uttering such words before.

We cut back to the present day, in Whole Cake Island, where the other children of Big Mom are dealing with Moscato, the son whose 'years' were eaten by Big Mom last week. Two of Big Mom's children, Mont D'or and this big melting dude, as well as weird shadowy blob creatures, are cleaning things up, not leaving behind a 'single second'. What this means about Big Mom's powers, I don't know.

Big Mom and Jinbe are in Big Mom's chateau, and Big Mom eats her sentient cake buddies, and is actually a lot more reasonable (as far as a psychotic monster can be reasonable) than I thought she would be. Big Mom notes that being pirates, living freely and leaving her is Jinbe's own call... but because Big Mom loses such a valuable resource, it's fair that Jinbe loses something valuable as well, and Big Mom brings in a roulette with heads and limbs on it. Jinbe's not going to die, so maybe we'll have one of his arms or legs chopped off? It's a pirate setting, after all.

We get Pedro's backstory while the Straw Hats deal with a bunch of monster ants (a reusal of the model from One Piece: Strong World) and Pedro is a former pirate that fell in battle near Whole Cake Island, who went around trying to find poneglyphs. Pedro offers his services in stealing Big Mom's poneglyph for Luffy, because that's going to be useful to Luffy in the future. Brook is all mysterious and shit, laughing about Luffy 'being born with this kind of fate'. Oh, Brook, you mysterious undead pervert, you. I really want a long Brook arc exploring all the cryptic shit he's been saying all throughout the Zou arc. 

The final two-page spread happens after a quick timeskip where the Straw Hats reach Whole Cake Island, and they see someone on the coast. Jinbe? Sanji? Who will it be? It's overall a pretty decent setup chapter, with clearly the meat of the chapter being the Jinbe scenes. It's honestly a bit anticlimatic for Jinbe to join up after so, so long and I think it would've been better if the Straw Hats actually met Jinbe first (armless/legless) before we see the flashback to the events that led to Jinbe's defection. Would've had better pacing that way, I think. But oh well.

Pokemon Top Tens: Least Favourite Pokemon (Gen I-VI)

With 721 various creatures from six generations, and around at least a hundred more in the upcoming new generation VII, to say that there is a lot of Pokemon is an understatement. Obviously, despite all the awesome-looking and cute-looking monsters out there, they can't all be winners. Some of the lesser ones get by simply because they are boring or useless, but some are just... well, I hate them for various reasons. And despite being a big Pokemon fan who has gone through hating the new generation before embracing it wholeheartedly, there are several Pokemon who I still find irredeemable and honestly the world will be better off with them out of the way. And no, I don't count things like Zubat or Geodude in this list simply because you encounter a lot of them. Geodude's kind of dumb, but I've always loved the Zubat line (even if Golbat is kinda gross) ever since their debut. (Crobat is awesome! I've had him in my party as a main fighter in at least four different playthroughs.) I don't think the likes of  the Muk line, the Scraggy line or the Diglett line are all that dumb either. Oversimplistic, perhaps, but they're not that bad. And I certainly don't hate Vanilluxe -- he looks weird as hell, but he's hardly the worst thing out there. Or Stunfisk, who I actually thought is cute in that derpy-idiot sort of way. Or the baby Pokemon or the Pikachu clones, who at least have the decency to be cute. Nah, the ones on this list don't make it there simply because they're useless in battle. They really need to do something more to upset me than that.

But first, some honourable mentions of things that I dislike but don't hate quite enough to put on this list, mostly due to simply looking dumb and stupid. Though visual appearances alone isn't quite enough to make me hate something, it's enough to make me dislike it whenever it crops up... Beeheyem. Aromatisse. Beartric. Smeargle. Tyrogue. The entire Klink line. Clefairy. Lickilicky. Rhyperior. Electivire. Meloetta. White-Kyurem and Black-Kyurem. Probopass. Diggersby. (Those last two at least are meant to be ugly)

So, anyway, with that out of the way, here's my top ten least favourites, from the one I dislike the least to the one I want to shoot in the head with a shotgun fifteen times if I see it in real life.
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10. Garbodor: Okay, okay, it's easy to hate on Garbodor. For one, he's introduced in Generation V, which was at that time much-maligned by the community and the fanbase. While the hate towards Generation V had ultimately simmered down and it ended up being a very worthy entry into the Pokemon franchise, there's no denying that Generation V's sheer quantity of new Pokemon introduced -- with none of the previous four generations appearing in Generation V initially, and with all-too-obvious replacements for classic favourites -- meant that there were a lot of misses as much as there were hits. I could probably write an entire article about the good and bad things about Generation V, and maybe one of these days I'll do a 'best and worst of this Generation' list. But Garbodor and Vanniluxe are usually what everyone points to as proof that Generation V ran out of ideas. Lol look at the ice cream Pokemon and the garbage trash Pokemon!

Well, I don't hate on the idea of garbage being sentient. Golems made of refuse has always been a part of numerous fantasy lore and ultimately one of the biggest inspirations for Pokemon are fantasies of all sorts. And the Trubbish/Garbodor line kind of made sense, considering Generation I starred two evolutionary lines of pure-Poison types based on pollution -- Grimer/Muk and Koffing/Weezing, representing liquid pollution and air pollution respectively. Garbodor and Trubbish were born of land pollution. And, well, really, why do I dislike Garbodor so, when I really like Muk and Koffing? Muk is just a pile of purple goop!

Well, Garbodor is just... ugly as all hell. You can quote me on saying that I think Trubbish is cute the way things like Dunsparce and Stunfisk and Aipom can be considered cute. Trubbish is a nice, simple design! It's a tied-up trash bag that waddles along with its trash feet and arms that are made up of waste. Garbodor? Garbodor's just ugly. From the ripped-up trash bag to its bwaaaa mouth to his asymmetrical tentacle-arms that just out from different heights, to his weird toilet-roll fingers, to his big fat belly that looks more like dirty ice-cream than actual refuse... Garbodor just sits on that awkward place where he would've looked better if he was designed more to make his 'walking landfill' concept more apparent, or if he was designed simpler to make him look less ugly.

Plus, Garbodors are hella annoying to fight, in addition to being ugly. Some poison types have had a history of being annoying tanky shits that have a move or two that can hit particularly hard -- Muk, Weezing, Skuntank -- but Garbodor is just annoying, standing there and launching all sorts of gunk and sludge your way. Not enough of a threat to really consider using, but annoying enough to take a fairly long time to murder.

Man, that was a lot of words for a pile of walking garbage.

9. Patrat: Okay, this one is simple enough. Each generation needs a resident weak rodent-thing in the early routes. We went from cute ones like Sentret and Zigzagoon, to sorta-realistic ones like Rattata, to doofy ones like Bidoof... and then there's this dude. Patrat is just ugly as sin. He looks like he's either hyper-caffeinated or possessed by a demon from the ninth circle of hell, and he just stares at you with that annoying-ass expression. We already had a meerkat (admittedly a very stylized meerkat) in Sentret and Furret, but Patrat? Patrat has the combination of being ugly, being utterly everywhere in the early routes, being utterly useless (especially compared to Lillipup and Purrloin, both also early-route Pokemon in Generation V that look far better and evolve into far more tolerable creatures), yet being an absolute pain in the ass to fight. Being an early-game route fodder, Patrat is not particularly powerful, but try fighting one of these fuckers. Want to attack him? Good luck with him spamming Sand Attack. Oh, your attack lands? Of course it's on the turn it uses Detect. Happen to find one of these at a higher level? Well, Hypnosis and Mean Look and fuck you. It evolves into Watchog, which is useless and ugly... but nowhere as ugly as Patrat.

8. Ambipom: Generation IV introduced a lot of new evolutions (and I do mean a lot) to earlier Generation Pokemon that required a real buff to even be relevant, a problem that plagued the cast of Generation II so much that it practically crippled the Pokemon of that Generation. While a lot of the new evolutions in Generation IV were pretty awesome, there were a lot of classic designs that were utterly ruined, like Rhyperior and Electivire, who looked ugly as fuck. Or there were designs that made an already dumb design look even dumber. Tangrowth, Probopass and Lickilicky fall in this category. But none of them made it onto the list. None except Ambipom.

Aipom is a fairly inoffensive creature. Based on monkeys whose tail acted as a third arm, it's a funny and dumb-looking thing that you don't really think much of. It had a pretty major role as Gold's main Pokemon in Pokemon Adventures, but other than that it isn't a very memorable creature. Well, giving it an evolution should fix it, right? And Ambipom's concept is decent. Give the monkey with a tail-arm... a second tail-arm! Except that's not all that they changed. The tail-fingers turned oddly pointy and the tail-arm became spherical like a cow's udder. Ambipom has this annoying weird... thing on his nose, and what the hell is that haircut? The random bug antennae and the stupid Rock Lee bowl cut just made the ugly-but-cute Aipom look... like a total doofus. It tries way too hard to add things onto the design like those ass-tufts and nose-thing and the Rock Lee haircut that it ends up being one of the most ridiculously moronic things. And, yeah, this thing annoys me a lot more than the fucking garbage bag.

And what really annoys me? Ambipom really likes to show up in Wi-Fi battles, with STAB Technician-boosted Fake Outs dealing a crapton of damage before it does a bunch of weird shit to screw my team. All the while it's smiling like a damned douchehole.


7. Gurdurr: I have no problem with Timburr, who is just your generic ambiguous-humanoid-animal Pokemon, or Conkeldurr, who looks sort of badass with those two giant pillars. Yes, the entire line are obvious copy-pastes of the Machop/Machoke/Machamp line, except with construction workers instead of wrestlers. No, they won't win the top ten creative designs of Generation V, but there are worse designs, and occupational-based Pokemon has been around since forever. But Gurdurr? In addition to having a head that looks like an afro-shaped tumour, an inexplicable clown-nose which is made more prominent here since Gurdurr's head is round, a weirdly tiny waist and giant blobs of muscle-arms that look deformed as hell? And those weird pink... things... are those supposed to be veins? Then what are the weird lifesaver things on his armpits? And who in Nintendo really thought 'Gurdurr' was a good enough name, like, seriously? This thing is utterly stupid on so many levels. It's just ugly, it doesn't make sense, and there isn't any kind of cultural explanation to why a construction worker would look like this deformed Physics-defying broccoli-headed dude.

6. Hypno: Hypno was a totally forgettable Pokemon from Generation I. He was the Psychic-type that scrubs who couldn't manage to catch an Abra would raise, because he's ultimately a poor man's Alakazam. Plus, y'know, Alakazam is just so much cooler. Hypno is just this weird cat-man with a giant nose and a random neck-fluff and a pendulum. The fact that his design makes him look like a totally naked man doesn't help to make him cooler than Alakazam either.

And it really got worse when you realize that, hey, Hypno's lore all kind of reference pedophilia, or at least child kidnapping. While the concept of using hypnotism to put 'prey' to sleep so he can eat his dreams is a decent concept for a C-list creature, at least two of Hypno's in-game Pokedex entries reference him kidnapping children, and there are at least several other secondary guidebooks or whatever that reference this. And Hypno's most prominent role in the main series games? Attack a secluded, terrified child in Pokemon FireRed/LeafGreen. Man, if the player character hadn't gotten to her rescue in time... Her dialogue before the player rescued her was that Hypno 'kept scaring her', meaning that it's not just doing it out of a sense of territoriality, but actually relishing in the poor little girl's fear. The fact that he looks, like, y'know, a freaking naked man with those shifty eyes doesn't help either. It's no surprise Hypno is a subject of many creepy-pastas and Pokemon-based horror stories and the most disturbing Rule 34 shit ever, because look at this fucker! It's not only stupid, it's also borderline offensive.

5. Jynx: Do I have to go on a rant about Jynx? Really, it's a given that Jynx is on everyone's 'top ten least faovurite Pokemon list'. And that's without going to the controversies either -- yeah, she could just be an innocent mistake on Japan's part in adapting Ganguro fashion style in a way that ends up looking like Blackface, but even without the racism undertones Jynx is already a stupid design. How does ugly-ass things like Jynx and Hypno beat out Heracross and Scizor in being part of the original 151, I have no idea and I don't understand. Jynx is just weird. You can argue all you want that she's based on any one of many Japanese myths, but I bet none of them look like this ugly hooker thing. The fact that there is no real apparent origin for Jynx, unlike many of the other Pokemon based on Japanese mythology, is further proof of this ugly thing's misguided creation. Look at her! Look at that ugly-ass face, those random boobs in full view, and just... just... ew. Other humanoid Pokemon are generally based on an occupation or two, or at least look part-animal. Jynx is just a fat black lady without legs. She's easily one of the most stupid designs out there, but since Nintendo is quite understandably cutting back on using Jynx at all -- usually putting her much less-offensive pre-evolution Smoochum as the ones that trainers in-game use -- it hasn't really annoyed me as much as these next four.

4. Unown: Unown! Man, back when I was a kid and Generation II was the newest thing, Unown looked cool. What was the mystery behind all these things? The Ruins of Alph were accessible as early as the second gym, and to unleash the Unown you had to unlock some kind of hieroglyphic puzzle. It's pretty cool, and the suspense of unleashing some ancient things locked away by a series of cryptic clues is a very great concept in any adventure game. But other than the thrill of unlocking and beating the puzzles that annoy them, Unown end up... being lackluster as all hell. They only know one move, Hidden Power, which is a lot less impressive than it sounds. They can't learn any kind of TM's, not even Psychic-type attacks, and this makes them the unambiguously weakest and most useless Pokemon ever. Unown came in 26 shapes corresponding to the alphabet, and the Pokedex and lore hint that each Unown has their own powers. The third Movie introduced Unown as some kind of extra-dimensional Lovecraftian alien things that arrive in a hivemind swarm that react to a person's emotions and have utterly insane reality-warping powers. In-game? An unevolved Magikarp's better.

We have gone several generations since Generation II, and after several punctuation mark Unowns were added into the game in Generation III, the only real purpose of the Unown seems to be nothing but to add an annoying side-quest for you to catch 26 of these ugly eyeballs that end up giving you no function other than to spell out profanities in your Pokeboxes. The concept is really cool, but the fact that we've waited close to twenty years with jack shit of a payoff on this particular story means that, well, Unown ends up being just shit. Just give them more moves or, hell, some actual lore significance other than just having their mysteries hinted at and never explored. Or just give us an amalgamation evolution or some shit like that. They're just a giant disappointment.

3. The Elemental Monkeys: Okay, technically these are a set of six Pokemon, but I hate the Elemental Monkeys from Generation V with a passion. They were quite prominent. The first gym leader in Pokemon Black & White uses one of them depending on your starter. Some random girl gives you an abandoned monkey because no one in their right mind would want to train one of these ugly shits. It's one of the main partner Pokemon in the Black & White cartoon.


Why do I hate these guys? Well, simply it's because they're just so damned uncreative. Previous elemental trios or duos like the starters or the Eeveelutions or legendary trios at least vary their looks. These are just identical designs just with differently shaped fur... and it's not like we haven't done this concept before either. The Chimchar line is a far, far more well-realized and far cooler fire monkey line than Simisear can ever hope to be. Hell, even Ambipom looks so much better than these three idiots. Simisage is the only one out of the bunch that even looks decent at all, with that weird punk look to him, but Simisear and Simipour are just ugly as sin. Simisear looks like an anvil just dropped on him and he's just recovering it all Looney-Tunes style. And look at him! He just looks derpy and ugly as all hell. Simipour has the worst hairdo in all of anime, needs to find some pants and just looks ugly in general. And the Pans? The Pans are just uncreative, ugly shits.

To top it off, none of these three are even any good in combat. They are just annoying-looking shits with annoying cries, ugly designs and just there to pad out the Unova Pokedex even more... when, really, Unova already has enough good material to work with even without adding these shameful ugly shits into it.

2. Throh & Sawk: Speaking of senseless padding in the Unova Pokedex... man, what are these two ugly shits? Not only are they flagrantly ripping off Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan, which really won't stand out as something necessary for a good Generation to rip off, they also look stupid as hell. Why are their bodies crystalline? Are they rock type? Nope. Why are they randomly wearing karate-judo training outfits? Why do they have these weird black growths on their face? Why do their faces look so ugly? They just look so ugly, with so little thought going into their conception. Oh, hey, let's make a karate and a judo based Pokemon! Nah, no need to really put too much thought into them. Just slap a training suit on, give them different colours and deform them as much as humanly possible. And give them a bunch of random, annoying Fighting moves to make them a pain. Oh, and let's give one of them Sturdy, because it makes so much sense! Hariyama barely made it off the honourable mentions for being ugly, but he's a far better-realized Pokemon based on Judo. And the names? Ugh. Pokemon likes its puns, but 'Throh' and 'Sawk' really hit the bottom of the barrel. I honestly groan and hate these things every single time they show up, and I honestly would rather these two fade off into obscurity and never be used ever again.


1. Bouffalant: My least favourite Pokemon is also from Generation V, which really makes me look like I am just dripping hatred for the generation. I'm not! I love Generation V. It had some of the best and most creative Pokemon designs out there, and I can wax lyrical about how a lot of Pokemon in Generation V finally found a nice balance between complexity and simplicity. But in-between all the Pokemon of Generation V there is this big pile of bull shit. Bouffalant is a rare Normal-type Pokemon based on a bull (buffalo, bull, whatever) that hits like a gigantic truck and is rare to find. GUESS WHAT? We had Tauros. Tauros was not the most creative of Pokemon, being a glorified rampaging bull with three tails and a bunch of extra dots on its head, but Bouffalant? Look at this utterly ugly piece of shit! Who thinks about putting an afro on a cow and go 'hmm, yeah, that's like, the coolest thing ever!' And those stupid rings on its horns, what the hell? Tauros was already uncreative enough by slapping two extra tails, but Bouffalant slaps on an afro and calls it a day. It looks stupid, it really looks like an April's Fools Joke, and... and it still hits like a truck! A stupid-looking truck.

Bouffalant is one of the signature Pokemon of Generation V's true champion, Alder... but honestly I want to ignore that and just consider Alder's champion as his Volcarona. Or, hell, his Vanniluxe, which is a helluva less ugly than this half-assed design. The fact that, oh, I dunno, he's actually pretty powerful and can wipe out unprepared teams thanks to being a tank of a Normal-type isn't a joke. And being wiped out by the champion's afro-cow is certainly a lot more annoying and irritating than losing to, say, a Dragonite or a Garchomp or a Volcarona or a Gardevoir. Fuck this cow. Fuck it. Fuck every single time I encountered it. He also sometimes shows up in like Wi-Fi battles or whatever and, oh, it's just ugly, it's actually powerful and there's no way in hell I am happy after being beaten by this misbegotten conglomeration of laziness and bad ideas.

...

So, um, yeah. Top ten least favourite Pokemon! I cursed a lot more than I thought I would. (Fuck Bouffalant) Next top ten list will be a lot less curse-y.

Gotham S02E13 Review: Moronic Plans

Gotham, Season 2, Episode 13: A Dead Man Feels No Cold

The fashion police is after him too.

Well, after a mediocre episode before this, we ramp up the insanity in this one. And, well, practically the entire cast bar Hugo Strange makes utterly insane choices. The Mr. Freeze origin story quickly happens, with the twist that Nora Fries (apparently) dies in this episode instead of being frozen solid. With the plot of Victor Fries going to save his wife from being used as bait by the police forces, Nora ends up sabotaging Victor's own freeze gun with an earlier formula because she's kind of tired of living, and cannot begin to comprehend waking up from her slumber with Victor dead or imprisoned. So she shatters apart. And Victor shoots himself with his own freeze gun, except, y'know, what everyone expects to happen happens, and he gets turned into Mr. Freeze, unable to survive outside subzero temperatures. 

Except that a good chunk of Mr. Freeze's origin is engineered by Hugo Strange, who is highly interested in Freeze's freezing formula thing for his own experiments. To this end, while the police and Mr. Freeze are playing cat and mouse in Arkham Asylum, Hugo Strange helps out with a getaway vehicle, by trapping Bullock's forces behind some 'malfunctioning' prison bars and telling Mr. Freeze where to go... and eventually appropriating Mr. Freeze himself and placing him in his facility in Indian Hills with promises for an alliance.

While the Mr. Freeze tragedy is portrayed well, the events of this episode honestly couldn't be any messier. Everyone makes utterly baffling choices. Barnes using Nora Fries as bait by transferring her to Arkham Asylum's ER (an ER is not quite the same with an ICU, which I imagine is what Nora needs) instead of Gotham General is not a decision that I imagine is legal nor ethical. Leslie throwing a hissy fit about the unethical actions is reasonable. Throwing a tantrum and putting her pregnant self in harm's way by insisting that she be the doctor that handle Nora is utterly idiotic, and I don't think Gordon is the one who has a say -- Barnes should be able to shoo Leslie away from it all. And the fact that, y'know, she's fucking pregnant. Self-righteousness is one thing, putting herself and her child in harm's way is another and honestly she's lucky that Victor Fries didn't throw an angry tantrum when his wife died or when he reached Nora. 

Mr. Freeze's plans aren't honestly that well thought-out, though. Does he honestly believe Gotham has a good enough system in place to take care of his wife as a ward of the state without fucking things up? Does he really think his (Arkham City game-inspired) freeze grenades is enough for him to take over the asylum? Why didn't he steal one of the cryo-tanks from his house before rescuing his wife instead of returning to the place where all the police were waiting for him? Also how stupid is it for him not to notice the cryo-cylinder thing being held in his wife's hand in plain view? So much stupidity is involved in both the police and Freeze's side of things that I can only shake my head at the insanity of all this.

Also the fact that Theo Gallavan's body seems to be something that Hugo Strange wants to revive just makes me groan. Also the fact that Hugo Strange seems to have witnessed Penguin's rantings to Gordon that Gordon was Gallavan's true murderer. No more Gallavan please! The drama with Gordon being the killer is fine, but don't bring him back. He's a douche.

Meanwhile, the Penguin has been hit with even more indignities as he's subjected to Hugo Strange's tender electroshock mercies, and he's just turned into a subservient penguin playing duck duck goose and it's hard to see one of the show's once-greatest characters be basically brain-dead for the sake of, y'know, building up one of the big villains. 

Oh, and Bruce Wayne returns to the show! I don't... particularly mind him that much, really. He's obsessed with the whole hunting-down this Matches Malone, the man who apparently killed his parents. Oh, and killing him. It's a nice, refreshing break that Alfred made Bruce promise not to hand Malone over to the authorities as normally wont, but rather that Alfred will be the one to kill Malone. It's a nice, twisted and dark take, and, well, while it might not fit the nice fatherly Alfred of classic Batman lore, this Alfred is a bit more... keen in teaching Bruce to defend himself. Plus he probably has a bone to pick or two with the killer of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It's an interesting setup, and we'll see if Bruce can have an interesting plotline after being so whiny in most previous appearances in this show.

Overall a messy episode that delivers on the insane level, so mostly keeping in with my expectations. It's entertainingly bad, at least, and I do like Mr. Freeze, which is why I watched these two episodes back to back, but we'll see if I continue on this season. 

Game of Thrones S06E09 Review: Where All the Budget Went

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 9: Battle of the Bastards

Well, it's a very beautiful action episode, if nothing else. I... don't quite like this episode as much as most reviewers out there did, from the couple I googled in the internet. It's not a bad episode by any stretch! It's got the most intricate battle sequences ever, and I think only Hardhome's action sequence impressed me more in this series. But, I don't know... I expected more, really. Don't get me wrong, as cool as it is to see the final confrontation between Jon and Ramsay, and to see that utter twat get devoured alive by his own dogs, I felt the episode was way too simple.

Leaving behind the Daenerys bit until the end of the review, let's talk about the titular battle of the bastards, which is a far more hilarious name than battle for Winterfell. I expected, well, more. I absolutely love the gritty feel of war, how it excellently portrays the visceral and not-at-all-romanticized manner of war with people dying all around Jon, random people clashing with random people, chaos, confusion, blood everywhere... that was realistic and awesome and portrays the real dark nature of war. It's not at all heroic after the initial charging horses, not one-sided like the more fantastical Daenerys battle earlier in the episode, and I can appreciate that a lot.

Nah, I really expected something more than just, well, Jon and Ramsay meet each other on the battlefield, Ramsay taunts Jon and by extension his entire army to charge forwards, and then start to overwhelm him with numbers, arrows, a corpse mountain and a shield formation. The predictable rescue by the Knights of the Vale happens. They take Winterfell. They kill Ramsay.

See, the battle for Winterfell has been foreshadowed all the way from the earliest episodes of this season, and for it to ultimately be so simple really felt... hollow, I guess? Which might be what they were going for, but I dunno. Melisandre does absolutely nothing throughout the battle despite having the ability to create shadow vagina demons, so no assassination or rescue attempt -- though like Sansa I highly doubt any kind of rescue attempt will remotely succeed. Brienne misses the battle, and so does the Blackfish thanks to the previous episodes, so that's two interesting characters out of the picture. Lyanna Mormont only gets a scene where she glares at Ramsay during the initial parley, though her absence is understandable. Even Ghost -- you'd think a sudden direwolf ambush would be on top of the to-do list for the stunt choreographers -- sits this one out. Ultimately, Davos really don't do anything significant, and Tormund really spends the entire episode just being a berserking viking.

The thing is, there is no point in the episode where I thought that the episode will end in any way that doesn't involve the Knights of the Vale arriving in full force as the big cavalry, and Jon alive, and Ramsay dead. The fact that pisses me off is that Sansa doesn't even tell Jon about the fact that she contacted Littlefinger, a fact that would definitely have changed Jon's big war plans. And the episode seems to paint this as Sansa Stark finally being independent and awesome and shit, and, yeah, in my opinion she totally fucked up something fierce, and I don't think I've actually ever disliked Sansa more than I do in this episode. Previously I've always thought that she's naive, or spoiled, or the unfortunate butt-end of misfortunes. Now I just think she's a huge idiot who thinks she's being smart.

Really, where does she get off telling Jon that he's an idiot for charging in? When she confronted Jon prior to the battle, and Jon goes 'what advice do you have for me?' she just gives some abstract 'don't do what he wants you to do', which is a whole lot less useful than 'hey, by the way, I have a small army charging here that no one knows about'. That really cost the deaths of a lot of people. And, yeah, Sansa's point about Rickon being doomed either way is totally valid and I agree on that, but not telling Jon about her secret army? That was dumb. And honestly from a storytelling perspective, the fact that we know that the Knights of the Vale are around -- they've been foreshadowed to be on Sansa's side since episode three, and we know Sansa wrote Littlefinger a letter -- really makes me hard to be scared that the Starks will lose the battle at all. It's just a matter of how many of the second-stringers die.

Granted, there's plenty of idiocy to go around because while Jon has enough sense to plan battles and try to make a pincer attack or whatever, Ramsay's chilling execution of Rickon right in front of his eyes -- and so cruelly giving Rickon the fleeting hope to run towards Jon -- causes the former Lord Commander to charge in like a blithering idiot, causing his army to charge in to save his Leeroy-Jenkins-ing ass, and he spends most of the battle with a bit of a lost expression on his face. Yeah, I know that's your brother and no one can fault you for running to save him, Jon, but charging in after Rickon's dead and done? When Tormund Giantsbane, who doesn't even know what 'ambush' means, knows that's a bad idea, you done fucked up, Jon.

Rickon Stark and Wun Wun the giant are the only named characters from the good guys to actually bite the dust, though damn if Wun Wun didn't give as much as he took. He's absolutely indestructible, the only one to actually do any sort of meaningful damage against the Bolton shieldbearers even with two dozen arrows sticking through him. And after Ramsay gallops off like the dickless coward that he is into the castle, Wun Wun singlehandedly did a two-minute siege and broke down the doors (no Hodor to hold your doors this time) though he ends up succumbing to his wounds, and Ramsay just shot him in the eye to finish him off because he's a twat.

And Rickon? That game of 'will Rickon reach Jon in time' is a harrowing scene, that's for sure, and I was on the edge of my seat... but not because I care for Rickon, because, hell, we barely knew the dude. He had like two lines over the course of all six seasons, he's a periphery character to Bran and he's honestly more important because he's a Stark. He's literally the one that never actually got any screen time at all, though... even Ghost has more personality than Rickon. And so it didn't really impact me emotionally that he died, mostly because, like Sansa, I didn't expect him to live. Even if Ramsay's sadistic arrow-shooting didn't get Rickon, I was sure that he was poisoned or something anyway, because that's the sort of thing that Ramsay would do.

But, yeah, griping about the handling of the episode aside, it's a pretty awesome action episode, and I rewatched it a couple of times. There were some really great effects and chereography as far as the battle goes, with a great tracking shot with Jon charging through the enemy forces, hacking his way through random Bolton men throughout the confusion and chaos while sometimes being saved by things that happen in the background. From the tense arrow scene with Rickon to the grit-encrusted gigantic melee in the field, to the nice little hopeless situation as the Bolton shieldbearers lock down the Stark forces and go 'hoo hah hoo hah', to Ramsay running like a pussy, to the power trio of Jon, Tormund and Wun Wun charging at the castle, to Wun Wun single-handedly crushing the gates, to the final confrontation between the bastards and cathartic beatdown of Ramsay, to the moment when the Bolton flags were torn down and Sansa confronts Ramsay and eventually kills him, it's a riveting episode all throughout.

Tormund being an insane berserker for what little he got was fun too, and his visceral confrontation with Smalljon Umber, ripping out his carotids with his teeth, is pretty awesome. 

I just wished... there were more, y'know? With Hardhome there was a two-pronged attack by the wildling forces, there were battles on multiple fronts, and there was the drama between Ygritte and Jon. With the battle of Blackwater there likewise was a battle on at least two fronts, the whole subterfuge with the wildfire bomb, and, yes, Blackwater was finished with a cavalry arriving, but on Blackwater it's an actual surprise instead of me going 'okay, when will Littlefinger come' at the back of my head throughout this episode. 

And I think one of the biggest lack of tension is that, well, they just went through several episodes just to bring Jon Snow back, so there is no way that they're going to kill him off when we know Melisandre is literally in the next tent over. She even makes it clear that she'll try to revive Jon again if it comes to that. 

It's appropriate that Sansa was the one that gets to kill Ramsay. Her look to Jon while he was beating the smarmy bastard half to death with his feet is a definite sense of 'I wanna finish him off'. Despite their argument (and Sansa being a secret-keeping bastard) it's clear that Jon does respect Sansa enough to honour her wishes, and despite her being a bit of a shit throughout the episode, her confrontation with Ramsay is pretty spine-chillingly awesome, with her basically telling Ramsay that despite the atrocities that he has done, even his victims will forget him. And Ramsay so assholishly starving his hounds leads Sansa to, well, unleash the hounds upon Ramsay, delivering the slightest bit of cruelty that he had delivered to the good people of Westeros. If I had my way, I would've put Ramsay through a month-long torture like what Ramsay put poor Theon through, but a brutal death? I'll take that. It's cathartic, it's predictable, but damn. Seeing Ramsay get his comeuppance? My only real regret is that he didn't get more. 

Speaking of getting comeuppances, Daenerys meets up with Tyrion and have a bit of a conversation... which honestly doesn't even make sense considering their situation. Tyrion talks about how King Aerys was insane and was planning to basically blow up everyone in the city, but what Daenerys is proposing is to, well, dracarys the fuck out of the slavers who are unrepentant and have been given chances to surrender. Which ends up happening anyway, though possibly not to quite the extremes that Daenerys initially wanted. I dunno. It just doesn't segue into the actions that they take later on really well.

And, yeah, we want to establish Daenerys's giant Dothraki Horde playing a part, but really? A bunch of random Sons of the Harpy dudes stabbing more random people in front of the city? That felt really out of place, though hey, I'll assume that the Dothraki continue to charge into the city and murder every single person with a golden mask.

The slave masters are all 'yeah, you should surrender, beggar queen', but they clearly underestimate the dragons, and, shit, Drogon is positively monstrous now, the size of a big dinosaur. And Viserion and Rhaegar blow up the door to their little cellar prison to join their brother as they soar through the skies of Mereen, eating up Game of Thrones's entire visual CGI budget for this season. Yeah, now we know why they can't afford the stuntmen needed for a proper Arya/Waif fight last episode.

It's awesome, of course, as the dragons just rampage around and shoot fire and blow ships up, scaring the masters to submission. Tyrion and Grey Worm kind of get the Masters' bodyguards to, y'know, rightfully run for their lives instead of dying for masters who don't care about them, and then Tyrion gives them a sadistic choice of his own -- one of them must die for atonement. The Masters immediately push the lowborn member among them (which was one of the more sympathetic ones we saw earlier in the series, I think?), only for Grey Worm to execute the others. Tyrion, with a very soft-spoken tone, puts the fear of god in the lowborn master and tells him to fuck off and not mess with the dragon queen.

We also get an additional scene with Tyrion and Daenerys meeting up with the Greyjoy siblings, who apparently arrived on Mereen offscreen. Tyrion lording over Theon is hilarious, and Daenerys, Tyrion and Yara bond over gender equality and the fact that their daddies are both shit kings. It's honestly a bit of a slower scene considering everything else that happened in this episode, and I'm surprised we didn't get this scene in the next episode or earlier this season. Though, hey, Theon and Yara has just joined the court of Daenerys Targaryen, with the simple condition of 'no more raiding'. We discuss Euron (who's a bit of a disappointment considering his awesome introduction) a bit, but Yara brings up the fact that he wants to offer Daenerys his 'big cock', so... yeah.

Overall, it's definitely a very enjoyable episode... I just honestly expected and wished more. But Ramsay Bolton's dead, we get big armies fighting and giant dragons dracarys-ing an entire fleet, so I can't say that I'm unhappy with the circumstances, really. 

Gotham S02E12 Review: This Show Again

Gotham, Season 2, Episode 12: Mr. Freeze

There really isn't honestly that much that incited me to continue watching Gotham. Last month when I was on this huge TV-show-catchup mode, Gotham is the only one of the superhero shows that I essentially dropped. The mid-season break for season two lasted like three months, and that, combined with the generally crappy quality of how the mid-season plot resolved, essentially killed off most of my interest in the show. And considering this episode originally aired like in March, it's saying something that I've only chosen to watch it now. But word of mouth told me that, well, the second part of season two is insane. Hugo Strange! Mr. Freeze! Azrael! Insane levels of insanity! Gotham's day-to-day cop life plot never honestly enticed me that much, and, well, at least an insane show would be fun to watch as opposed to the humdrum plot that is the Theo Gallavan bullshit.

Anyway, this half of the season is honestly much like a season unto its own, subtitled 'Wrath of the Villains', and wastes no time in introducing Mr. Freeze and Hugo Strange, the alleged huge players of the season. Half-season. Sub-season. Whatever. It's... pretty cool, I guess. We start off with a long recap of what's happened in the first half of the second season with Harvey Dent interrogating Gordon, which is pretty nifty because it's been half a year since I watched those episodes. Basically Gordon's role in Gallavan's death is cleared, with Penguin randomly being arrested halfway through the episode intentionally taking the blame (for... reasons unclear) before taking a plea of insanity. Barnes seemed to be somewhat suspicious of Gordon but ultimately let it slide. He's ultimately still the same-old-same-old Gordon from the past episodes of Gordon, partnering up with the still-hilarious Bullock, thrown into your weekly procedural plot.

This week's episode revolves around a certain villain going around freezing people, and, y'know, as the previous episode (which I watched like a half-year ago) foreshadowed, was none other than Mr. Freeze himself. It's honestly pretty much what you'd expect from a proper Mr. Freeze origin story, except he's a bit poorer than more traditional portrayals of the character (the New 52 blasphemy does not count) who is working for a facility. Here he's literally working in his basement, freezing random people and looking for a way to unfreeze them safely. Meanwhile, his wife is dying of a random disease without any clue that Freeze has been going around killing people for his research. Most of the broad strokes are still there -- tragic villain doing what he does for his wife's incurable disease.

Bullock and Gordon end up catching Nora Fries, and Victor Fries ends up turning himself in and rather hilariously gets put in a holding cell alongside a bunch of other people claiming to be Mr. Freeze... only to see one of his victims return back to life because one of his chemicals worked. Cue escape. It's just a setup and an origin story, and a pretty decent and faithful one at that.

Meanwhile, Hugo Strange is set up to be the big bad pulling the strings, and it's definitely a very well-done portrayal of the character courtesy of B.D. Wong. It's an interesting take on the character, nailing the charismatic mad scientist aspects down but freeing him of his normal plotline of being super-obsessed with Batman and Batman's identity. Curious where we'll go with him and what is his endgame with his collection of metahumans (Fireflybug is mentioned offhandedly in this episode). He's definitely fucking people over, causing one of the inmates (much to Penguin's horror) to claw out his own eyes. Penguin may have bitten off more than he can chew, pleading insanity, and we'll see how these two villains interact.

Oh, and Tabitha Gallavan and Butch have struck up an alliance. Butch has a drill-arm. That is an awesome drill arm. I don't particularly care about this bit, honestly, but better Butch than Theo. Nygma tells Gordon about nursing Penguin to health but not about Kringle's death. He's also more assertive against Bullock's verbal bullying, ever so slowly developing into the Riddler. Leslie is sort of around.

Overall it's kind of a strange episode (no puns intended), and while both Hugo Strange and Mr. Freeze's introductions are decent enough, the bit with Penguin felt really rushed and it kind of makes no sense that he can just plead insanity and be whooshed off to Arkham in like an hour or two. And how does an insane man's testimony be legit? Kind of a decent episode, does the Mr. Freeze origin story justice. Decent is, well, better than being shit, so yeah, no complaints from me.

One Piece 829 Review: Big Mom's Eating Problem

One Piece, Chapter 829: Charlotte Linlin, the Pirate

It's a slower chapter, but still one that revealed a huge ton. Despite being a huge presence in numerous arcs by virtue of being a Yonko, Big Mom herself is still an enigma. We knew she's eccentric, loves food and the structure of her pirate organization, but scant little about the woman herself. Well, this chapter kinda fixes that. We start off with some pretty generic introdump about what the Straw Hats are doing, basically trusting Pudding and sailing to where Sanji is with some obligatory funny moments that I don't particularly care about.

The big scene in this chapter is certainly Big Mom's rampage on her own capital, Whole Cake Island. Big Mom apparently has a huge problem that she transforms into a giant and goes on a rampage whenever she gets a certain craving, and in this chapter she's enraged because she wants a Croquembouche. We see Baron Tamago and a lot of important-looking dudes just be in an insane state of panic because this Croquembouche isn't exactly easy to find or make, and the presence of food/sweet ministers make a bit more sense. They're not just indulging Big Mom's sweet tooth -- it literally is a matter of life and death for these guys.

We see the entirely wasted landscape left in Big Mom's wake with those disney dancing trees and whatnot all left destroyed, and she's going around eating random talking food-people. One of her own children, the Gelato Minister Muscat, tries to talk her down, asking for thirty minutes. Big Mom is completely crazed, and goes 'Life or Treat', which sounds horrifying with her face like that. Apparently if you cower, she will take your life span away, but Big Mom's scary -- so scary that she ripped out her own son's soul and eats it.

Jinbe shows up with a sentient pile of cream puffs, and lobs them into Big Mom's mouth. They were apparently staying in a nearby hotel, and Jinbe tracked them down, and it's honestly quite dark for Jinbe's big heroic rescue to be accompanied with the Croquembouche going all 'we're gonna get eaten save us nooo'. Big Mom immediately calms down after that, and apparently Jinbe gave Big Mom a gift of a poneglyph... but Jinbe asks an audience with Big Mom for another reason. A reason that Big Mom immediately guessed -- Jinbe wants to leave her crew. And Big Mom doesn't look happy at all with that prospect.

Well, Big Mom's insane! If there is anyone who thinks that Big Mom will merely be a quirky-but-ultimately-good Yonkou that will turn out to be reasonable and ally herself with Luffy, yeah. She's crazy. Well, there's a reason why Jinbe took like three IRL years to even join Luffy's crew, I guess. It's interesting.

Game of Thrones S06E08 Review: In Which Someone Becomes A Literal Faceless One

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 8: No One

Season six of Game of Thrones have two more episodes to go before it ends, and it's honestly been... pretty flat. It's not to say that it's bad, per se, but other than the Hodor thing, everything that's been going on has been mostly just 'okay, this thing happens.' It's very even and solid writing, but at the same time you can't help but think that there's a lack of real excitement beyond 'Jon Snow is marching on Winterfell'. I dunno. Slower pacing, I guess? Less sudden deaths?

The big star sequence in this episode involves Arya finally confronting the Waif in Braavos. And honestly, as a two-season character arc, it's a bit anticlimactic mostly after what happened last episode. The fans, myself included, have speculated endlessly as to just what was Arya's big plan, because it seemed like she was going to give herself away -- flamboyantly swaggering around Braavos, throwing money around, all that stuff. The theories range from Arya trying to fake her death by letting the Waif 'get' to her, or that Arya is Fight Clubbing herself, or Lady Crane is secretly another Faceless Man, or Jaqen is actually the 'Arya' that is swaggering around to test the Waif. Or something. Maybe Jaqen is involved with his own faceless men abilities.

Except that, y'know, Arya is just that sloppy. Apparently despite having been trained by an order of assassin cultists and travelling with the Hound, she just is apparently being an idiot last episode. And while the Terminator-style chase throughout Braavos this episode is cool as all hell, I can't help but roll by eyes at how Arya could've avoided all of this, really. We get Lady Crane being a far more effective actor, embodying Cersei's rage and desire for revenge, before dying horribly after she eventually helps Arya recover... which is honestly a big stretch considering she got stabbed multiple times in the gut and had to wade through the muck. To see her in fit condition to run through the city and survive tumbling through flights of stairs and whatnot is a bit stretching it.

And yes, her ability to fight in the dark (apparently the Waif never had the 'blind yourself' part of training?) is the obvious way to take down the Waif, and seeing Needle brought out and the aftermath with the Waif's bloody removed face nailed to the wall is cool as all hell, and Arya quite deliberately lured the Waif to the room where she hid Needle and a candle... but it felt way too far of a stretch to really believe that Arya planned all this. She seemed to survive purely on dumb luck and plot armour, and honestly if the Waif stuck in parkour mode throughout the entire pursuit instead of alternating into Terminator badass walk, this would've ended way differently. 

Jaqen seems more amused than anything, which raises a lot of questions to what it means. He's obviously pleased that Arya Stark is not No One, but has regained her identity, but why? What's his motivations? We've all been theorizing that this Jaqen isn't the same Jaqen that Arya met earlier in her journey and just someone with the same face, but we never get confirmation either way, and we don't understand just why Jaqen is happy with the result that one of his Faceless Man allies is dead, and another basically said 'fuck you' to the whole order and buggered off to Winterfell. 

It is executed well, but the lead-up to it and the eventual payoff, and the general cohesion of the story, really felt off. I'm glad we're done with all the Faceless Men arc, though honestly I expected something more beyond 'Arya is careless and fucks up, gets nearly killed, somehow survives with sheer plot armour and kills the Waif'. I dunno. It's not bad, but it certainly is a bit of a disappointment. 

Meanwhile, the Hound is going around disemboweling and beheading random Brotherhood brigands, but he meets Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr, who are actually good guys and are about to execute the members that massacred Hound's buddies. It's a fun scene as we see Beric, Thoros and Hound recount their past encounter and arguing about who gets to kill the Brotherhood renegades, and the fact that the Brotherhood isn't actually evil. But again it all felt slow-paced, and as charismatic as the characters involved are, I'm still unsure about the whole point of bringing the Hound back and honestly not doing much with him. 

In Mereen, Tyrion's season-long plotline of trying to fix the problem with negotiations ends up falling apart spectacularly, and I honestly hoped that we had more buildup to this in previous episodes, showing Tyrion negotiating terms with the slave masters and seemingly succeeding, instead of showing the red priestess and the city at peace, showing yet another scene of Tyrion trying to make joke with Missandei and Grey Worm, before seeing a fleet of warships launching fireballs at the Mereen pyramid. More than anything, it felt like Tyrion's entire journey throughout this season felt pointless. Daenerys and Drogon show up at the end of the episode, and while Drogon flies off to the distance, presumably it's to burn the slave masters' fleet to cinders instead of Drogon going Exit Stage Left for the fifth time for no good reason.

Varys buggers off to Westeros to get new allies for Daenerys, and the Greyjoys still haven't showed up yet, and the Dothraki are all offscreen, so it all isn't that exciting. Maybe next episode we'll get a big war scene against the slave masters? I highly doubt it, though.

King's Landing isn't all that exciting, either. It's cathartic as all hell to see the Mountain tank one of the Faith Militant's spiky mace things and then literally rip his head off, and Qyburn apparently has a secret weapon to help Cersei (probably the Wildfire, telegraphed several episodes ago in Bran's flash-forward... where's Bran anyway?) but while it's cool to see Cersei beat back the Faith Militant's bullying and telling them to fuck off with the awesome 'I choose violence' line, her short-sightedness has caused the High Sparrow to neutralize her one advantage -- the Mountain -- by getting Tommen to annul trial by combat.

We see Tommen getting more and more religious and making stupid decisions because of it, and while Margeary is no doubt plotting something, the boy king's getting worse and worse. He's technically a better and more sensible king than Joffrey, and with the support of the High Sparrow (and Pycelle and Kevan, though we only see these briefly) seems to be moulding into a solid, if pushover, king. Joffrey was more entertaining to the show if nothing else. Though Cersei might just go off the deep end and decide to fucking burn everything and blow up the Great Sept, which would be fun and entertaining if nothing else, because she has been pretty static in King's Landing this whole season despite season five's ending seeming to hint that Cersei's going to go all berserk on the High Sparrow's forces this season.

Meanwhile, Riverrun's plot also ends in... honestly a bit of disappointment. Despite Brienne coming in and making use of her past friendship with Jaime to try and broker a deal where the Tully forces will go with Brienne to aid in retaking Winterfell, while Jaime takes Riverrun... none of this ends up panning out. The Blackfish ends up being utterly resolute and unreasonable, refusing to give up Riverrun, but his men feels differently and obediently obeys the rightful lord of the castle, Edmure Tully... even when those orders end up surrendering to Jaime's forces and killing the Blackfish. Granted, the Blackfish's death is offscreen and we never saw a body, but I highly doubt that he survives -- his return has been unimpressive, and ends up doing nothing, really, beyond being an obstacle for both Jaime and Brienne in different ways before dying.

Jaime and Brienne's interactions (and Pod and Bronn's short scene) are sweet, but ultimately, Jaime's long speech to Edmure is one of the best moments the character has. For all the honour that he truly has demonstrated to us, the viewers, and people like Brienne and Tyrion... the world still views Jaime as the Kingslayer and nothing else, and no one can ever know the real reason Jaime killed King Aerys. And, yes, while Jaime has done some questionable things like push Bran out of the window, it's all, as he notes, done in the service of love and, hey, Jaime Lannister is honestly grown to be a lot more heroic than I reckoned he would be. He's no different than Jon or Sansa fighting for their families, and yes, there's the whole incest thing but unlike Cersei, Jaime is a genuinely good person.

Even if he threatens to trebuchet Edmure's son onto Riverrun walls, though I suspect that's more scare tactics to get poor pushover Edmure to cooperate more than anything, and in the end no one but the Blackfish died. It feels kind of like a distraction, but oh well, the Jaime moments is rather entertaining.

Definitely a slower episode, and one that's starting to show. A lot of the things built up earlier this season hasn't been explored, with things like Bran, Coldhands, Ramsey, the Martells and so many others still left hanging and not honestly doing that much. Hopefully episode nine's big action episode will help to inject some excitement... though what exactly will happen -- Cersei blowing up King's Landing, Team Daenerys fighting the slave masters, Team Stark besieging Winterfell -- is still up in the air.

Movie Review: X-Men Apocalypse

X-Men: Apocalypse

Despite the relatively lukewarm reviews surrounding X-Men: Apocalypse, I actually find myself enjoying it a lot more than general consensus. In fact, I actually enjoyed Apocalypse more than I do Deadpool. Heresy, I know, I know. By no means is Apocalypse a perfect movie, and it has flaws -- a crapton of flaws -- but it has a lot of good things going on for it and really, I think why it's so lambasted is because it simply can't really compete with its absolutely awesome predecessor, Days of Future's Past. And being released on the coattails of big behemoth superhero movies Civil War and Batman V Superman (both of which I'll gie proper reviews somewhere down the year), as well as the fan-favourite Deadpool, Apocalypse is just kind of unfortunate that it's merely good, not great.

And I think the biggest problem lies in the titular Apocalypse himself. He's... honestly just there. Apocalypse's concept is really cool, a body-hopping ancient mutant with seemingly godlike powers and the basis of many religions, and intent on purging the world of humanity because he thinks that humans have wasted the potential by, y'know, being asshole humans. 

And while the movie tries to make him feel deeper by giving him a long flashback in ancient Egypt and giving him some nice recruiting scenes with Storm and Magneto, Apocalypse himself is really a generic villain. You could replace him with any other big scary villain and he would have the same impact. I mean, Apocalypse himself has never really impressed me in the few Marvel cartoons/comics that starred him -- a good part is thanks to that ridiculous blue lipstick that extends all the way to his ears -- so I guess the movie version of Apocalypse is an improvement? I don't know. 

Apocalypse has a lot of great visual scenes, destroying Cairo and turning it into sand and then into a gigantic hollow pyramid, that cool scene where he unlocks and upgrades the powers of his Horsemen, and has a cool voice, but he never really develops a personality. He seems to be all-powerful, he feels like a threat, yet at the same time absolutely fails in really conveying that sense of threat considering he spends most of his time just standing, looming, fighting mind-battles or merely blocking the attacks of the X-Men instead of actually countering them... and when he does, it's just to choke or break their legs instead of going for the kill. 

Magneto is a lot more entertaining than Apocalypse, but due to the sheer amount of screentime devoted to Apocalypse, I think Magneto's story felt a bit too rocky. That scene where Magneto's daughter cries when his daddy is seemingly taken away by the bad men -- and honestly, Magneto himself has readily surrendered -- and then an arrow stabs straight through both Magneto's daughter and wife, and Magneto just is so angry and sad as he launches the photo locket in a cathartic massacre of the policemen? I thought that was the most beautiful saddest death scene in a superhero movie I've seen in a while. Mostly because it's so sad. It's not a dramatic sacrifice, or a origin-story death... it's just a big, big tragedy as scared people try to arrest Magneto, and even the arrow loosened against Magneto's daughter was an accident more than anything.

And while Magneto does show some really cool visual effects as he ripped the Earth's magnetic pole apart... his conversion really felt transparent by the moment Msytique and Quicksilver walked up to Magneto. And, yes, while I do appreciate that Quicksilver not going into the expected sappy "I'm your son" scenes with Magneto is a nice subversion... I really thought that Magneto turning on Apocalypse really felt too sudden and too predictable.

Also, fuck, the dude's probably killed a whole lot of people with his upgraded magnetic powers. And he got away scott-free! Erik, you're not allowed to complain about your people being killed during the Holocaust anymore, jeez, you probably mass-murdered way more than that with your angry tantrum.

The other mutants that Apocalypse turned into Horsemen were actually major characters in the comics, though they honestly don't get a lot to do either. The movie does make a good job of making the three other Horsemen be relevant and memorable, though. The new Storm is the obvious one, and we explore the whole 'troubled street kid' pre-X-Men version of the character. She meets Apocalypse almost by chance, and she does Storm things -- though, again, like Magneto, her defection really felt too predictable and sudden. Maybe if we had an additional scene where Apocalypse promised not to kill other mutants, and then Storm sees the hypocrisy? I don't know.

Archangel is devolved into just a jackass fighting in cage-fights instead of the more unwilling-hero type character that he was before. We get a pretty cool scene of him in his original Angel form fighting Nightcrawler, and his upgrade into Archangel is accompanied by a horrifying visual as Apocalypse replaces his wings with metal ones that actually grow out of his back. Archangel is just a cool-looking thug, though. And so is Psylocke. Kudos on somehow making Psylocke's insanely fanservicey costume work and look good on-screen, and she does have a lot of cool scenes with her psi-blade things, but ultimately Psylocke is just a very distinctive eye-candy. Archangel and Psylocke did a lot of action scenes, especially compared to the other Horsemen, but they really don't have much of a personality either. They look cool, though!

Also I'm pleased Psylocke didn't die. She really could use a bigger role in the next movie. Or get her own.

Charles... gets bald! We have an explanation! I like it that Charles in this movie takes more of a backseat, settling into his 'mentor the X-Men' role that he was in the comics. He's still prominent, and we did get some nice moments from the dude, but ultimately Charles Xavier had his time to really shine in First Class and Days of Future's Past, and I really want to get another X-Men movie that's about a team of X-Men. And by golly, we did get that. Charles himself is more a plot device than anything, with his action scenes of doing battle against Apocalypse in their minds being a nice way to give Charles something to do in the climax without detracting from the big action scenes done by the others.

And I think that's why I loved this movie so much. Unlike other movies that focused mostly on either Wolverine, Charles, Magneto and Mystique, I think this is really the first X-Men movie since X2 that focused on the X-Men as a team. We get the genesis of the classic X-Men team, even if Storm only defected at the end and Wolverine is merely unleashed upon the world. Cyclops and Jean, two of the pillars of the 'classic' X-Men team, gets introduced and had their first meeting, and I thought it was portrayed really well. Despite showing up in a LOT of the movies, Cyclops never really got much of a personality beyond being the third wheel to Wolverine's quest for Jean's love, and being the stuck-up rulebook boy scout to Wolverine's main character. Jean fares worse, going from love interest to evil split-personality villain. It's nice to see both of them actually given room to breathe and be explored as characters who bond over not being able to control their powerful powers. The duo is joined by Nightcrawler, my favourite X-Man, who finally returns to the movies after a fifteen-year absence. Nightcrawler gets a really cool intro scene as Mystique saves him and ends up tagging along until they reach the X-Mansion, and form a trio of younger mutants compared to the older cast from First Class. 

Jean (played by Sophie Turner, better known as Game of Thrones' Sansa Stark) is a bit more of a cipher than Scott, but she does show a fair amount of persnoality even if she doesn't get to do that much compared to Cyclops and Nightcrawler. We get to see her kindness with the whole Wolverine scene, she gets to embrace the super-awesome Phoenix Force... and her putting up airs of an antisocial girl because she's tired of persecution thanks to her particularly powerful set of powers are all pretty well done. Scott's pretty cool as well, and we see the most of him among the younger mutants. Scott is shown struggling to control his powers in his school, and even Charles is shocked at how powerful Scott's eye-beams ended up being (that was his favourite tree!). And he definitely is not the boy scout that he is in his adult form. We get to see him be a petulant boy -- though not so much that he becomes annoying -- before confiding in Jean, finding a friend in Nightcrawler (and Jubilee, who had like two seconds of screentime) and actually hijacking cars.

Until tragedy strikes, of course, and his brother, Havok, dies in an explosion caused by Apocalypse. Havok has been extremely supportive, and even if he never develops a personality beyond 'nice guy' even if this is his third entry in the movie franchise, his death and the impact it had on Scott really worked pretty well.

Nightcrawler is just a ball of fun scenes, isn't he? "I'm blue!" Crossing himself when he enters the room of bloodied corpses. "I have never been to a mall." That hilarious hairstyle he sports. His constant yes-manning and funny foreigner thing he does. He's just so funny, and, oh man, he shows himself to be really cool in battle too, and fighting Archangel -- who gets my vote as coolest looking horseman -- is a delight that I'm definitely rewatching many many times in the BluRay when it comes out. Nightcrawler gave us the best visuals from X2, and the X-Men movies do know how to do teleportation in a cool way, and it definitely is a great treat to see Nightcrawler back again.

Quicksilver, who makes his triumphant return after utterly stealing the show in Days of Future's Past, is still awesome. He doesn't steal the show as much, but he is in the movie a lot more. Running to the tune of Eurythmics' Sweet Dreams (a personal favourite song of this reviewer) the scene where he just rescues everyone in the exploding X-Mansion and doing all sorts of hilarious things is just great, showing how utterly awesome the power of superspeed is. The offhanded way that he reveals Magneto's parentage to Mystique is hilarious, and he does get a bit of character thanks to his conflict regarding whether he should acknowledge Magneto as his father. And while he ultimately does't tell it to Magneto despite getting the opportunity to, he does accept the X-Men as his new family, showing that, hey, at least Charles got through to him.

Also, Quicksilver totally OWNED Apocalypse in their fight scene. Oh man, that looked awesome and it went on for quite some time too, right up until Apocalypse broke his leg. 

Mystique and Beast both return, reprising their roles as main supporting characters from First Class and Days of Future's Past. It's still weird to have Mystique be cast as a fully heroic character in this new continuity, but I did like what they did with it. Storm and Nightcrawler both recognize Msytique as THE hero of mutants considering her role in DOFP, though Mystique herself seems to just be conflicted and emo. I don't really care all that much about Mystique here, she's just another heroine thrown in the mix, serving as de facto leader of the X-Men while Xavier is incapacitated. Man, that's weird, isn't it? Mystique, leader of the X-Men? And by the end of this movie, Mystique has gone full-blown hero and actually does become leader of the X-Men. I don't know if it's just the casting of Jennifer Lawrence that made the character do a 180 from who she's supposed to be, but at least it makes sense in-universe.

Beast is cool! He does Beast things, being smart and sensible and smart, getting great interactions with Mystique and Charles, and actually getting an extended fight scene against Psylocke, which I honestly didn't expect considering how passive he was in the previous movie. Like Mystique, though, there really isn't much to say about him. He's in the movie a lot, but didn't really, y'know, get to be developed all that much.

Moira is also in the movie a lot, but she fares the worst of the other characters. She literally does nothing other than tell our heroes one thing or another, and while the likes of Beast and Nightcrawler don't get to do much character development, they at least have distinctive fun personalities. Moira seems to just be around to remind us that Charles is straight (and not gay for Magneto, which he really should admit already) and to reverse that awful brainwashing scene at the end of First Class. But, man, Moira really felt wasted and you could literally remove her and introduce a brand-new CIA agent character and no one would really care.

Stryker is a cool mid-movie antagonist, delaying the X-Men enough so that they don't just jump straight to Cairo to rescue Apocalypse before he makes his big dramatic announcement, and I've always liked Stryker from the movies. His ultimate role, though, is facilitating Wolverine's cameo. Stryker himself gets away free, though he does get a couple of nice scenes and lines while debating with the X-Men. 

Wolverine is unleashed from Weapon X, having forgotten his memories from before (and attached to his head is a really weird device) and the movie really helps to portray Wolverine's utter savagery really well. And, yeah, the soldiers he killed are Stryker's men hunting for Cyclops, Jean and Nightcrawler, and you can't blame the kids for trying to survive, but damn, it's brutal. Jean calms Wolverine down enough before he runs away into the cold snow, but it's a cool short scene that helps set up Wolverine for a later date when we hopefully get the original classic team back together again.

There are several lesser characters that showed up too. Jubilee, like I mentioned above, had five seconds of screentime which was a shame. Caliban had a short scene too, where he was Psylocke's previous employer and runs a cool underground broker service that Mystique and Nightcrawler visited. Caliban's cool! I want to see more of him and hoped Apocalypse didn't kill him off-screen. 

In a way, the movie felt less about Apocalypse, and more about setting up the classic team of X-Men, gathering older ones like Mystique and Beast and bringing in the younger generation. Apocalypse honestly just felt like a more epic version of your classic starter villain, your Darth Mauls and Piccolos and General Zods and Zabuza Momochis, but he is enough of a threat to put all the characters in place and help to build them all together. The movie is good on that front, and while there are definitely some problems, it didn't stop me from utterly enjoying this movie. 

Pokemon Top Tens: Best and Worst Mega Evolutions

Now, a bit of a disclaimer -- I don't play a lot of the Pokemon meta. I dabbled in it when Generation VI was initially released, but the meta is just so insanely competitive with you having to get just the right set of IV's and EV's and supporters and counters. It's fun to dabble in and I enjoyed some success with around twelve competitively-bred Pokemon, but as a metagame to follow it's just not that appealing to me. But, hey, Pokemon is more than the metagame. At the core it's still an RPG about capturing amazing and weird creatures. In this list I'll be talking about the core gimmick of Generation VI, Mega Evolution.

This list will primarily be based on a design standpoint, though I'm definitely going to put in a couple of considerations based on how awesome they actually are in-game. Due to the small amount of mega evolutions, though, I'll go with five for each. Yeah. My first 'top ten' article is... not a proper top ten all the way through. Such is life.

Top Five Best Mega Evolutions

Before we start off, let's go with some honourable mentions. Mega Aerodactyl looks awesome with his rocky protrusions and is one of my competitive megas, but he also looks silly at the same time. Mega Houndoom is an underrated and subtle Mega Evolution that just enhances his hellhound qualities. Mega Banette and all his insane zippers is a nice, creepily awesome design. Mega Metagross looks both stupid and fantastic at the same time with so many arms at once, and certainly looks like he can fuck you up. Both Mega Mewtwos also fall in here -- design-wise they're questionable, especially Mewtwo Y's stupid head-tentacle, but they are flavourful both as more 'armoured' and more 'organic' versions of Mewtwo respectively, plus having Mewtwo as the hands-down most powerful damage output dealer in the game is appropriate and very 1996. Mega Mawile is cool and cute at the same time. Mega Blastoise, Mega Rayquaza, Mega Absol, Mega Charizard Y and Mega Beedrill both looks cool and so much more powerful despite undergoing honestly minimal changes, keeping a lot of the spirit of the original designs without trying too hard to go full on overdesigned. (Maybe I should've made a top ten with so many honourable mentions, but it's still better like this for symmetry).

5. Mega Pinsir: Mega Pinsir is one of the more creative and awesome evolutions at the same time. Pinsir is an insane-looking motherfucker that I took a liking to almost immediately in episode three or four of the anime. How is this based on a stag beetle? It's insanely weird looking, yet cute at the same time. In nearly every game that Pinsir has appeared in, he's always been a very rare bug pokemon. Pinsir has almost been overshined entirely by his 'rival' in Generation II, Heracross, who looks far more heroic, had a secondary Fighting typing that made him infinitely more useful than Pinsir, and a very prominent role in the anime. Poor Pinsir just got nothing until his Mega Evolution. And the Mega Evolution's concept is simple yet suitable. Real stag beetles have wings, so Nintendo just made Pinsir's spikes spikier, made a few slight alterations to his limbs, and cracked open his back to give him wings. And those are some cool biologically-accurate insect wings. Pinsir gains a secondary type, becoming Bug/Flying, as well as the ability Aerialate which transforms all normal attacks into Flying attacks. Suddenly what was once seen as a poor man's Heracross is now a buzzing reaper of death, deserving of the horrifyingly creepy design that Pinsir has. Mega Pinsir just looks insane, and is actually pretty powerful and viable as well. And more importantly, being able to deal a STAB Flying attack onto the 4x-weak-to-Flying Heracross is justice well deserved for being an underdog for fifteen years.

4. Mega Kangaskhan:  Mega Kangaskhan is a very simple mega evolution in both concept and execution. Where other mega evolutions undergo a drastic change that highlights different facets of their initial form, it is not so for Kangaskhan. The parent Kangaskhan remains absolutely similar to her original form, and every single change went to her child. It's both cute and heartwarming at the same time, and definitely fitting in with Kangaskhan's flavour as the 'parental' pokemon with the mother giving all the evolution energy to the child. The way the transformation happens in-game is also awesome (and utterly broken), with Kangaskhan simply gaining the ability to do every single attack she does... twice. Yes, in theory, the child only hitting for like half the damage might be a balancing factor, but damn, you can bet that in the meta you can have an insanely powerful Mega Kangaskhan that will simply hit priority and murder everything in her sight outright. Mega Kangaskhan is a force to be reckoned with, and after spending fifteen years as a forgettable Safari Zone rare, this awesome mother-son team finally manages to return in a big way, dominating entire battlefields in a form worthy of both her title as a 'Khan' and a way that's reflective of what his pokemon embodies: a mother's love for her child.

3. Mega Scizor: Mega Scizor is just cool, all right? Scyther and Scizor were both already pretty cool on their own, being these mantis/raptor/robot hybrid thing. Mega Scizor streamlines Scizor's design, adding more black armour pieces and making his legs look cool, but the coolest part of his design is these insane sawblade-claws that replaced Scizor's original chunky crab-claws. I just really like Scizor. He really should be a powerhouse if the Gen IV/V powercreep hadn't hit the original two generations so hard, and this mega evolution fixes it. I don't think Mega Scizor is a tier 1 mega-evolution, or I could be wrong -- being 4x weak to fire probably isn't a good thing like ever, but I don't really care that much for the Smogon crowd, and as long as Mega Scizor looks cool and can actually back up that coolness with a decent Technician-boosted moveset, he's awesome.

2. Mega Swampert: A bit of a biased choice on my part, because Generation III (and I) was one of the generations that I played a lot of as a kid, and I spent a lot of time playing with all three starters on different game cartridges and emulators. Of all three, though, my favourite will always be Mudkip and not because of the meme. I just like the ugly-cute design of the Mudkip line in general, and was pretty miffled when Blaziken got a mega-evolution in XY while Sceptile and Swampert didn't get jack shit. You know, Nintendo, there are people who pick Grass and Water-type starters! Why does Charizard get two mega-evolutions, and why does Blaziken get an early-release mega-evolution? It's unfair! That said, though, the original Swampert design was always this bulky tank of a mudfish/frog creature that hits hard with Earthquakes and Muddy Waters, while still looking doofy and cute.

One of the weirdest things about Swampert was its rather spindly arms. It's not so prominent in video games where the angle makes it look normal, but Swampert actually has these paper-thin arms like its pre-evolution Marshtomp. Well, Mega Swampert apparently went to the gym in the ten years while it waited for the HOENNCNFRMD and got some insane-looking gains. It just looks utterly badass, this muscle-bound, manly powerhosue ready to smack your enemies down. Again, it manages to look different from the original Swampert while still looking liek the original Swampert. It's bulkier, has spiky cheek-fins, is more hunched and musclier, but ultimately it's still unmistakably Swampert. As you probably guessed, it's gained a crapton of physical Attack, and swaps out its crappy Torrent ability for Swift Swim. Swampert has always been on the slow side of things, but with the rain-given boost that Swift Swim gives? A double battle with a Kyogre or a Politoed as an ally will assure utter destruction by Mega Swampert, who gives a whole new meaning to the term 'lightning bruiser'. As a nice little design bonus, apparently those orange organs on Swampert's muscly lower arm are organic water-jets, which explains the Swift Swim. I really love it when they go the extra mile and incorporate parts of the design while designing the pokemon's abilities and builds and not just slap any competitive ability wily-nily.

1. Mega Garchomp: Garchomp is already one of the coolest Pokemon in existence, being a raptor-landshark dragon with qualities based on a fighter jet that is also a pseudo-legendary to boot. Ground/Dragon might be super-weak to Ice, but who cares when you can just have this awesome sand dragon wrecking house? Ground and Dragon are both powerful types offensively, and being a pseudo means he gets a great statline and a powerful moveset. He makes Flygon (who already looks cool and is totally screwed over for not getting a Mega in Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire) look like a puny bug in comparison. What really sucked for Garchomp, though, was its lack of useful Abilities. Sand Veil ups evasion in sandstorm, which isn't the worst thing ever but honestly doesn't tie into what you want to do with a Garchomp. Rough Skin deals return damage if the enemy hits your Garchomp with physical attacks, which means jack shit if they're lobbing an Ice Beam your way. So instead of these two defensive abilities, why not just give Mega Garchomp Sand Force, which increases Attack instead of Evasion in a sandstorm? It sucks since, y'know, you need a sandstorm brewing, but increasing Mega Garchomp's already-insane attack stat is definitely far more awesome. I also like Mega Garchomp for being one of the few Mega Evolutions to actually have a stat decrease in exchange for being even more hyper-specialized in Physical Attack. And considering he sacrifices those arm-wings for more scary bladey appendages, it's sensible for him to have a mild reduction in Speed in exchange for more nuking power. It's a nice little touch unlike most Megas who just go on simple stat buffs.

From a design standpoint Mega Garchomp's a cool motherfucker as well. He swaps out Garchomp's already-cool arm side-blades for blood-stained scythes. He's gained a super-manly chin, and sprouted all kinds of blades on his chest and legs.. which somehow doesn't make Mega Garchomp look stupidly over-designed like other Megas I could name, and actually complements his overall look as this murder shark out to murder you. From a design and awesomeness standpoint I think Mega Garchomp is probably one of the most well-designed Mega Evolutions out there. Of course, this is a highly opiniated list, and honestly on a different day any one of these five (and some of the honourable mentions) could probably take the top pick, but hey.

Top Ten Worst Mega Evolutions

Yeah, this is a very opiniated list, so apologies if your favourite Mega Evolution ended up here, but, y'know, some of them are actually idiotic. Honourable mentions go to Mega Latias and Mega Latios for being lazy copy-pastes of each other and having weird-ass arms, Mega Slowbro who dodged being on this list for still being cute in spite of being so utterly weird and useless, and Mega Camerupt for looking like a roomba, though his cool-looking volcano makes up for it.

5. Mega Tyranitar: I know Mega Tyranitar is, like, super-viable in competitive, but man, what an ugly fucker! The original Tyranitar was cool and chunky and scary-looking, basically Pokemon's own version of Godzilla. Mega Tyranitar... just takes this in the wrong direction and pulled in all of the bad tropes from the 'dude in suits' giant monster Japanese shows. It's got these really stupid-looking protrusions from its back, tail and shoulders that really look utterly stupid instead of cool like the ones that Mega Garchomp or Mega Aerodactyl have. His chest randomly has these eye-nipple things that makes his belly look like a Pupitar, and the general shape of his torso just looks like someone wearing an oversized shirt. That's really not what you want your Godzilla to look like. So where other Mega Evolutions ended up looking far more badass and threatening, Tyranitar turns from an imposing dinosaur kaiju into someone who looks like he would waddle into battle in an oversized suit of armour.

4. Mega Glalie: I actually liked Mega Glalie in the short bit that I owned her in the Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire mini-demo where I got a free Mega Glalie from completing the short mini-quest there. But it ultimately is a very underwhelming and weird-looking Mega Evolution. Glalie is a cool floating disembodied head made up of ice, with some shades of hockey mask serial killer thing thrown in for good measure. The original Glalie was cool! I mean, there is no way in hell you would evolve Snorunt into Glalie instead of Froslass, who is like three times cooler (heh, cooler) than Glalie, and has the added benefit of knowing Ghost-type moves. Everyone speculated that if Glalie got an evolution or a Mega-Evolution, his type would probably be changed into Ice/Dark because, hey, he's a pretty evil-looking monster! And he learns a fair amount of Dark-type moves, too! And come his Mega Evolution... and we got... this. It looks like Pacman cosplaying as Glalie, with its lower law looking absolutely stupid. Is the black rocky texture supposed to be some stupid mustache-thing? How does Mega Glalie even shut his mouth? Well, maybe he gets a cool ability that enhances his physical attack like Mega Charizard X or Mega Aerodactyl... nope! He gets Refrigerate, which honestly is absolutely useless because why would you want to turn his moves into Ice-type? Mega Pinsir up above makes great use of Aerialate because regular Pinsir doesn't learn any Flying-type moves, but Mega Glalie? Yeah, unless you want to sacrifice your Mega-Evolution for a STAB Ice-type Explosion, This dude isn't just dumb-looking, it's actually dumb to use as well.

3. Mega Pidgeot: Making cool-looking birds shouldn't be hard, really, and Pidgeot is already a simple yet majestic-looking bird. The original awesome big bird of prey Pokemon, you would think they would give Pidgeot a better-looking design instead of just giving his majestic red-yellow hair a trimming, then slapping on these stupid-looking tendril hair things that don't even look good. Oh, and let's dip Pidgeot's wingtips and tail in blue paint just for the hell of it! Mega Pidgeot is just a bit disappointing, and I remembered he was revealed in the same day that the utterly awesome-looking Mega Beedrill did. Neither Mega Pidgeot nor Mega Beedrill are really top-tier mega evolutions, but Mega Pidgeot is just... kinda boring all around. No Guard just ensures that Pidgeot will hit with every move, but with Pidgeot's utterly shallow movepool and ultimately underwhelming stats it just means that all it will do is launch Hurricanes. Why bother when you could just run more powerful flyers like Talonflame, Staraptor, Aerodactyl or any of the dragons, and then use a far cooler Mega Evolution? 

2. Mega Audino: Okay, I just probably flat-out don't like Audino. I mean, the Mega Evolution introduction was to make the older Gen I-III pokemon more viable competitively, and Generation V was responsible for most of the power creep so it's a given that not a lot of Gen V pokemon will get megas, but seriously? Of all the pokemon in Generation V, you go with Audino, the most utterly boring of all the Generation V pokemon? I've never liked Audino, with her stupid ear-stethoscope things and just looking utterly dumb. Mega Audino tries to give her a doctor's coat and more frilly things, but where additional frills worked for Mega Altaria and Mega Diancie, on Mega Audino it just makes her look... even more plain. The change in colour scheme which makes her even more monotonic doesn't work either. And she's not even good in battle! Healer's underwhelming, and her stat boost is truly minimal. She's Normal/Fairy, you say? Well, you could just slap the Fairy-typing on regular Audino and no one would even care. They really should've made this design into just a flat-out evolution, that's how m'eh her Mega Evolution is. Mega Audino is just so high on the list due to the fact that they didn't even really try. She's just so boring. And considering so many cooler and cuter Generation V pokemon could've gotten the Mega Evolution instead...

1. Mega Manectric: I actually liked Manectric! I raised a Manectric in a good chunk of my runs through my old copies of Pokemon Emerald and Pokemon Sapphire. Manectric is honestly never that good. He's fast and hits hard, but ultimately way too fragile and there are so many better Electric-type options out there... but Manectric is this cool-looking blue-yellow attack dog with a pretty cool design. Generation VI seems to pair Manectric up with fellow cool-dog Houndoom. And Mega Houndoom is pretty cool! It's easy to make big dogs and big cats look cool. And with Manectric... they... turned him into this... weird... fucking... thing. It's been like two or three years since Mega Manectric was released in Pokemon XY, and I still have no idea what that giant-ass yellow shell is supposed to be. I get it, he's supposed to be a living thunderbolt, but couldn't they have gone with something more akin to Zapdos, Jolteon or Zebstrika and gave him thunderbolt wings or thunderbolt spikes or some shit? This thing makes Mega Tyranitar look subtle. And it's not even a good Mega-Evolution, only having Intimidate... which, in all other Mega-Evolving Pokemon (Gyarados, Mawile, Salamence) is replaced with something better because Intimidate is a one-off. It also came out in the same game that Mega Ampharos debuted, which is also a Lightning-type Mega Evolution with a higher Special Attack stat, a far more durable statline, as well as gaining the Dragon typing and a far more superior ability when she Mega Evolves. And Mega Ampharos doesn't look like a stupid Fakemon the way Mega Manectric does. And the fact that the original Manectric looked so cool, too! And this thing really could've been so cool -- Mega Manectric's legs in that artwork already looks cool. Just remove that gigantic yellow shell and he would've been a half-decent cool Pokemon even if he's outshone by Ampharos, but no. He just looks utterly dumb.

That's my first Top Ten Pokemon list. I'll probably do several of these in the near future, and maybe some Top Tens for other video games, TV shows and mangas. Stay tuned!