Current team:
So last we left off, I did a bit of running around to prepare for my journey to the nuclear plant from Tsukinami Village. Honestly, I do think that it's Tsukinami's ninja silliness that partially caused me to stay off of Uranium for a while.
Anyway, Staraptor Ranger-Lady is our ticket to Nuclear Plant Omicron. Teleportation time!
There is an ANONYMOUS TIP. Apparently the Rangers only mobilized because of this ANONYMOUS TIP. Even though there is only one nuclear plant in the entire region that has not been blown up or otherwise sabotaged. But no, you had to mobilize because of the ANONYMOUS TIP.
Then again, considering who the Rangers are led by, I'm not surprised.
Bamb'o is surprised that the Nuclear Pokemon are coordinated instead of being feral, rabid beasts. They're learning! And evolving!
Also, it's mysterious because they are smart, but they don't have our high human minds to order them around. The smart nuclear Pokemon are still able to be captured with Poke Balls.
This conversation goes on for a bit, but I didn't take screen caps. Basically, it's a mission statement. Stop the nuclear poekmon, yadda yadda yadda.
...god, Theo, you're insufferable. Like, I thought you were kinda cool after you matured in Venisi and Snowpoint, but you're back to being a twit.
Pokemon Rangers in this game is woefully incompetent, and the only exception to this is Staraptor Lady.
HOLY SHIT IT'S A FACEHUGGER
Watch out, E. coli, it's going to jump at your face and show some genitalia-looking mouth and stick a tentacle down your throat and then wrap around your neck and lay eggs in you and it will burst out of your stomach and then terrorize an entire spaceship.
Or not, because E. coli is an amoeba and the damn Xenomorph is confused what to hug. That's no face, that's a pseudopod!
Xenomite isn't an alien, and he doesn't have an extensive origin story in a divisive prequel movie. He's just a corrupted Pokemon egg that's born as a Nuclear-type. He's a cute little bugger, and I'm calling her Weaver, after Sigourney Weaver.
The ninjas apparently don't use their Daikatunas and Yatagaryus to fight the nuclear Pokemon, but use their blades. I mean, I kind of suspected since their kin are surfing gangster ninjas and are led by two people claiming to be "avatars" of "gods", but they are clearly useless.
Where's your Kusanagi-no-tsurugi now, ninja man?
Despite the Tanscure overworld sprite, I am challenged by a nuclear Eshouten and a nuclear Chupacho. I continue naming my nuclear acquisitions after actual nuclear elements. There's a surprising amount of them.
AAAA YOU'RE ADORABLE. How come you're Poison/Electric? Regular Hagoop looks so cute and slimy and blobby, but with E. coli in my party I probably won't find space to use him. I definitely have no space for Astatine the nuclear Hagoop, because any nuclear pokemon other than Nucleon and the Xenomite line will disobey you.
Theo is challenging a nuclear Gyarados on the beach. He's a dumbass who shouts out "come at me bro" super-loud and thinks it's cool instead of embarrassing, but at least he doesn't pussy out from giant nuclear sea serpents.
Also it's raining in the route and Theo's dumbass Splendifowl gets killed by an Aqua Jet.
The rain boosts Cerebella's water moves, so Cerebella wipes out both of them with a STAB, Choice Specs-boosted, rain-boosted Surf.
Fishing here nets you wacky nuclear water-types. Polonium the Magikarp has dead fish eyes, which makes Magikarp genuinely creepy-looking. I love this sprite.
I also got Francium the nuclear Tubjaw.
Also, and I'm not going to show this every time, but my Sponee, The Queen, has EXP. Share on and she's trying to evolve every time she hits a level. Since I use these nuclear areas as training grounds thanks to the ease that I murder these nuclear Pokemon, that means that I'm going to have to do this and stop my baby spider from evolving like a couple dozen times.
The Twin Avatar of the Gods, The Mortal Manifestations of the Holy Gods of Yin and Yang, are... are tired because of a couple of radioactive raccoons.
Y'know, Ura isn't the most religious person, but seeing this sorry gesture will probably turn him into an atheist really fast, because, wow, either these two morons Hinata and Kite are frauds or that Autious and Mutios ain't shit.
"We are avatars, but by the way, we are also mortals." Bitch, you talked about how you were blessed with immortality, wisdom, power, yadda yadda yadda before. Where's all that jazz, huh? Where are your super godly Pokemon that embody the sun and moon?
NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE TRUE LEADER OF THE NINJAS, E. COLI, THE GOD DAMN HOKAGE.
[insert training montage here]
Stop it, Queen. It is not your time.
[insert evolution-cancellation montage here]
Yeah I know Ryan Reynolds says "Mother of Arceus", but that is so much less awkward than "Thank Arceus".
Also, Kellyn, world's #1 worst dad and the source of Pokemon Ranger incompetence, is back.
SUDDEN EXPLOSION
SUDDEN CLOSE-UP PIXEL ART
It's main villain time, boys. Y'know, it would be neat to have them maybe show up a bit earlier instead of like, in the final stretch of the game? Just a thought. Like, sure, all those times when you sent Team Magma or Team Galactic or whatever crying because you beat their level fifteen rat doesn't really shed a nice light on the supposed mafia group or terrorist group, but their presence is going to be felt a lot more keenly than this.
Ha ha ha ha, look at Kellyn, trying to throw his authority around.
Oh, speaking in the royal 'we', huh? I bet that's not connected to the creepy notes I found in Larkspur's lab about a neural interface at all.
Also, the human/robot's name is Curie, which is honestly just kind of inappropriate.
Yeah, you tell them, nameless ranger cadet!
Half-Life just halves your HP, like Super Fang, in battle, but maybe when used on a human it halves your lifespan or something? Or maybe it does nothing.
(Urayne sort of does an animation of slightly moving forwards a pixel before moving back).
Wait, what? You attacked Staraptor Lady! It's the dude ranger cadet that was mouthing off! Urayne and/or Curie, not cool, man.
Imagine she is voiced by Cate Blanchett and these generic apocalypse villain lines are a lot less corny to read.
I am reasonably sure Curie is a 'she', again, because of Larkspur's notes.
Oh no, a bunch of nuclear Tanscures, the exact same thing I've been attacking and one-shotting throughout the day. How will we ever escape, god knows.
No, Curie, we do not negotiate with terrorists! You will be the one that will be razed to the ground! Come, 1v1 me, I've got a nuclear Pokemon of my own, let's settle this like real trainers-
God damn it Kellyn, we do not negotiate with terrorists! What kind of a useless wimp are you? OH wait. It's Kellyn.
I mean, duh.
So, um... why did you ask the megalomaniacal super-villain what they want if you're going to refuse immediately after? Not only are you a pussy, you also fail at Negotiations 101.
Hahaha, Curie calls Kellyn an "it".
Also, DO IT KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER
ATOMIC PUNCH
Hahahaha the giant floating robot punched him in the dick! I think! The screen just sort of flashed a bit.
Yeah, yeah, RIP, Kellyn, piss off and die.
SUDDEN LIGHTNING FLASH! Cameron shows up on his own Yatagaryu. Did anyone really expected him to really die? ...I kinda did since it's a fan-made game and it's the sort of edgy thing they'd do, so I guess well-played, game makers.
(Also I sorta kinda forgot Cameron existed)
Oh shit, you got played by Cameron! But... how did you remove all the uranium safely without anyone realizing?
He's been doing secret spy stuff in the background!
Also he is the one who gave the tip. That anonymous tip is more important than letting his son know that he is still alive and not dead. I mean, it made Theo mature, but holy shit what a fucking shitty thing to do to your son.
I guess Kellyn's shittiness is contagious.
Wait, how is Urayne a "Legendary" Pokemon? Isn't a Legendary Pokemon something that is like, literally legendary? Like, there are legends surrounding it? Urayne is more like a new species with the stats of a legendary.
Oh well, I guess they do call Mewtwo and Genesect Legendary, so...
I know it's theoretically infinite because the game is programmed to keep spawning new creatures every time I walk through the grass, but I'm pretty sure in-universe they aren't, Ms. Curie.
Randomly Cameron realizes that Theo is there, and gets off a full sentence while Curie is monologuing!
This fan game does get a lot of things right, but pacing ain't one of them.
FUHUHUHUHUHU get it she laughs in the evil anime way!
Also they will kill Theo! I mean, I won't be too sad since he's kind of annoying, but man, dick move, Curie!
I am not sure what happened because all Urayne did was wiggle a bit and the sprites don't really make it clear what happened.
Also, Tempest Keep was merely a setback, all that jazz.
Oh no, they're going Quantum! They're going back to the past to steal the plot device from all of your favourite moments in Pokemon's history! Stop them!
Oh, wait, this game was made before Avengers: Endgame.
Apparently what happened there was that Cameron jumped in the way of the attack meant for Theo. All right, then. Also, while Kellyn is still alive and able to talk, Cameron's just completely wasted.
Bamb'o, I don't think this is quite the time to give exposition about Pokemon abilities. Like, it's a fucking crow-dragon, I'm pretty sure it can fly quickly regardless.
Yeah, no, fuck him, Cameron's the priority here. Also, Staraptor Girl.
Oh, wow, they just... they just left the two children and the professor behind. Truly, the Pokemon Rangers are the beacon of responsibility and honour. Like, they dragged Theo and Ura to this random island infested with giant radioactive sea dragons and raccoons and Face-Huggers, but they don't even have the decency to give them a ride back.
I know. Isn't it fantastic, man?
Kellyn's an ass.
Do not taunt me, you hack professor.
....PISS OFF.
FUCK! I am torn between giddy joy that I finally can fast travel after eight fucking gyms, and at the genuine piss-off-ness that apparently the in-universe reason that I backtracked around so much was because Bamb'o forgot to give me fly.
Yeah, tell him, Theo. I'm going to punch this fucker in the face and break his stupid glasses.
Oh, huh. My UFO is able to learn Fly. That... that should have been really obvious.
Also, I wonder what'll happen if I don't have anything that's able to fly at this point of the game.
Back to the Beachball Ranger HQ, ready for some huge amount of exposition.
Yep, this is how I use the PST. Not to communicate with my Pokemon, or with Urayne the giant plot-relevant terrorist, but to listen to a nuclear Tanscure say GRR RIP TEAR GRR.
Also, how did they get the Tanscure to the Ranger HQ? Capture Stylers clearly don't work on them, so did they use a lasso?
Empirillia is a dumb-looking fakemon, but he is at least loyal to his boss.
Haha, Kellyn, go on, cough up that other lung.
Yet your expression to anything in your son's life is a non-committal shrug, you sad excuse of a sperm donor.
Not really, what about the swarms of rabid radioactive racoons and chupacabras?
He just happens to be carrying documents inside of his jacket!
Actually I'm happy he did, that means I can screenshot more than two lines at a time, and I don't have to get tired.
HAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK
HIS LAST NAME IS "STORMBRINGER". What is this? I'm sorry, I'm very sorry, that just made me laugh out loud so hard. I've seen superhero pun names less silly than that. Cameron Stormbringer. Oh god, I actually stopped and laughed really loud at this line.
He's a super spy! He's the interpol super spy in that Larkspur labs notes. Also, apparently he was infiltrating the Nuclear Plant that Ura's Mom worked on, and there's a huge huge accident. Oh no!
Theo: master of skewed priorities.
Bamb'o: master of unnecessary exposition.
Because he knew exactly how you react, Kellyn, you tunnel-visioned, single-minded mess of a man.
Things that he did and we have already seen, but in new context.
Oh no, it's Curie wearing the Curie interface! Also, things we also already learned from the Larkspur lab notes, but presumably reiterated for anyone that can't be bothered to read the huge text-wall given to us in a sidequest.
Also, more backstory about Urayne. He's man-made, super-strong, can cause nuclear explosions, and eats uranium rods. Like that villain from that one horrible Superman movie!
Also, did none of you guys -- especially you, Cameron, who is an Interpol agent expecting to find something fishy -- not look at anything in the old nuclear plant building which might be active and hiding like a secret underground lab or something? What an incompetent Interpol agent, no wonder Looker fired you.
Oh no the main villain's identity is a secret, but there's only one person in the power plant five years ago that isn't Cameron but we know the name of, WHO COULD IT BE???
Oh, Quantum Leap is just teleportation, apparently. Which is a lot less impressive in this setting, because any old Abra can teleport.
No, no, Theo, you're right to be frustrated. Curie and Urayne are just rampaging looking for uranium rods, it's not like they're a secret agent society that will really care or have resources to realize if you told Theo you're alive, Cameron. There is literally no reason to put Theo through all of that grief.
There is no reason for tracking Curie and hiding the fact that you're okay from your young son is mutually exclusive.
More exposition, and honestly what Curie and Urayne did in the Vinoville power plant is something we could infer without them telling us. Also, yeah, again, it's not like there's a lot of nuclear power plants. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the villains will go from one to the next.
No reason to give an anonymous tip. Hell, revealing your identity would actually make the tip a lot more credible, honestly. Although, again, the Rangers really should've known better and guarded the one, non-exploded nuclear plant.
Speaking of which, how is electricity still active all over Tandor anyway? Didn't all the nuclear plants blow up?
Cameron gives the Rangers a tip, but it seems like he left out the very important detail of just who they are trapping. Cameron is not a good interpol agent at all.
Oh here is our plot coupon, a tracking device. Even though we just basically established that the bad guys will only move around the nuclear plants. So yeah, completely redundant there, Cameron, sorry.
Don't worry, sick old man, you're more of a liability than a resource anyway. I'd suggest Staraptor Lady, but I can see she's also taken out by Urayne. Frankly, your dumb pig-monkey would make for a better leader than you, Kellyn.
Translation: "I am sick and can't get out of bed, so I'm pawning off my responsibility to you".
No thanks to you, jackass.
Meanwhile, Ura is completely disappointed in Kellyn, and couldn't have asked for a worse parent.
"Better" implies a level above "good". Which you aren't. What you're trying to say is that "I wish I'd been a good father", Kellyn. Or, hell, "I wish I'd been a father". Only now that you need Ura's help that you're begging for his good graces and apologizing, huh? Piss off. You're just trying to save your reputation.
I AM VENGEANCE, I AM THE NIGHT, I AM BATMAN
A "promotion"? Whoa, wait, Kellyn, you can't "promote" someone who isn't working for you! What, did you think every trainer out there is clamouring to become inducted into the stupid Rangers? What a pretentious tit.
More professor talk, he's trying his best to stay relevant, but I'm sure the cure will only be done when the plot demands it.
Not really, the damn Rangers have been completely and utterly useless throughout this entire journey. Except Staraptor Lady. She did all right.
Yeah, Theo was foolhardy but brave. Unlike Kellyn, who's just a fool.
Theo is a lot more understanding and forgiving of Cameron than Ura is of Kellyn.
Then again, Cameron is a lot nicer and understandable than Kellyn.
Okay, so we're going back to Vinoville.
A Hazard Suit? MAX HAZARD ON! SUPER BEST MATCH! YABEI!
...I don't know what I expected.
On the other hand, talking to Bamb'o, Kellyn or Theo sets off another long conversation, this time discussing the new man-made species.
"This isn't even my final form!"
Okay, fair enough, separate Urayne from the trainer.
Oh hey it's a neat little homage to the official canon, with mentions of the Mewtwo experiments in Kanto. That's neat-o-buritto.
Less neat is this awkwardly shoehorned in line from the first Mewtwo movie, which honestly is so poorly done... there are so many other ways to fit in this wink-wink line, but this is not how you do it.
Stone-cold, Kellyn. Unfortunately, you clearly don't have the balls to do it, you wuss.
Bamb'o is shocked! Superhero killing rule argument ready go!
That's... that's a fair argument. Not one I agree with, but a fair one. Urayne is like a known super-powered terrorist so they certainly have harmful intentions, but I dunno, just deciding to kill them for having the ability sounds pretty much like every X-Men villain ever.
Oh, so it's personal.
Oh, so it's very personal. Bamb'o quickly calls Kellyn on his bullshit. Yeah, Kellyn, you only want Urayne dead because he punched you, don't you? You self-absorbed ass.
Yeah, Bamb'o. I don't agree with you all the time, after all that Fly nonsense, but I'm agreeing now to spite Kellyn.
That is a LOT of talk, hoo.
Also, because this wouldn't fit elsewhere, I did a bit of exploring and realized that the move tutors in Tsukinami require shards that I can get from Coral Break (a.k.a. a fan-made underwater Rock Smash). I took a couple of screenshots of me breaking corals and collecting shards, but lost them. Oops! It wasn't particularly exciting, if we're being honest, and it took longer than it should have.
But anyway, Charlie replaces Earthquake with the most powerful Special Ground-type move, Earth Power, which will play off of his higher special attack stat! Huzzah!
And... and that's it for now. It's mostly just exposition and talk, which is unfortunately what Pokemon Uranium tends to do for its big story moments. Next time... another confrontation with Urayne and Curie!
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