This time around, we're covering the spooky mysteries behind the Larkspur Laboratories in Silverport City, and meet a... not quite a friend. Loose acquaintance. That freak of nature Garlikid. Interestingly, though, at least they made the story tie in to the whole "nuclear meltdown" conspiracy theory? One thing about Uranium as a game is that they're very much not afraid to tell their own story, even if it's... questionable. Like, the story's all right, it just doesn't gel particularly well together thematically.It's still fun, though, and I can't lie, for all of its narrative faults, I did enjoy this fan-game immensely.
Current party. I figured it's better to put it at the beginning of the update instead of at the end.
Okay, Larkspur labs time! Not that I have anything against partially-balding men, but um... yeah, that's the hair of a villainous, unethical scientist if I've ever seen one. Or maybe just someone who doesn't have the best fashion sense. Ura isn't a dick, he won't judge.
Well, that's not ominous! Literally! This dude's just basically making Mewtwo or Genesect or something. And that other dude is just trying to "tame" Pokemon, which for all I know is giving Gyarados and Vigoroth anger management lessons.
This one, though, is 100% suspicious. Or maybe just racist. Or whatever is the racist equivalent of living in the same region but different towns. Townist?
That is such a bizarre "inconvenience" you're trying to solve there, scientist lady. Like, if I was a more suspicious person, I'd say you're developing the Snag Machines, which can steal another trainer's Pokemon.
So it's okay if I'm a kid as long as I'm a Pokemon Trainer? I dunno, having a random unknown child rummaging around your super-expensive laboratory seems to be a safety hazard either way. Also, why does this professor assume I'm working for another one? Are all youngsters working for a specific professor? That's ridiculous.
So Bamb'o, in addition to having a ridiculously easy-to-forget apostrophe randomly in his name, has the first name of Ernest.
Also, apparently he flunked class or something, so Larkspur is shocked he's an academic? Or maybe Larkspur's just a dick.
PREPOSTEROUS! And the fact that you point it out to a random stranger isn't suspicious or megalomaniacal at all.
Yep, yep, deny that you even wanted anything out of what the faculty that kicked you out and made you so angry. Seems legit. Honestly, does this even work? Ever?
We're building out own research firm! With blackjack! And hookers!
HOW DARE YOU MOCK MOKI TOWN!
It is a backwater town, but no one mocks it but Ura! Oh man, and I thought we're past this town-shaming since I put a kibosh to Davern's stupid elitist cave gym. Okay, now Ura is going to actively look for illicit activities, because clearly a filthy townist like Larkspur can't be a decent person.
Oh yeah, the Pokemon Speech Translator. Ura and the game developers only remembers it exists when it's useful for the purpose of the very specific narrative.
Like seriously, why can't I use it to speak to my own Pokemon?
Those miserable, receding-hairline, possibly-engaging-in-bestiality bastards! The poor Owten.
Okay, I'll buy Larkspur being suspicious about the device, but how does he know that Ura understands what the Owten is saying?
Trying to box me in? Stand back you fuckers, I've got a portable mini-nuke beam cannon named Blight on my belt and I'm not afraid to use it!
It's so clunky and inconvenient that Ura forgets about it more than half the time. Also, Larkspur's drooling all over it. Stop it.
Who the fuck's Lily? Is that professor Cypress? All these first names.
Honestly, it's less of her entrusting Ura and more "well, it's just a prototype, toodle-o!"
Oh shit, $100,000 is neat but not particularly hard for Ura to make with the Amulet Coin, but I definitely would like something rare and strong, please. It's not like Ura's doing anything with the PST and I'm pretty sure there's no way to weaponize a translator device. Profit off it, sure, but definitely nothing shady.
So long as your definition of "rare and strong" isn't something dumb like a Garerewl. Gimme gimme.
Stop monologuing, I said I want the rare Pokemon. I don't care about the PST.
You're balding and deaf.
Larkspur boots Ura out and locks the door.
The only way to progress through the game is to enter the icy cave, but now a bunch of Team Rocket dudes, complete with Team Rocket theme, are standing in a very un-subtle ambush. Which I should be mad that Ura falls for so easily, but at the same time the ridiculousness of not realizing that this is an ambush is also hilarious.
Presumably these Team Rocket goons sound like exaggerated extras from the set of The Godfather.
Also, you know that this game has Western writers, because this is Italian gangsters stereotypes as seen by the Western world. If this was Japanese, the Italian gangsters would look like the cast of Vento Aureo.
Somehow, Ura's first instinct isn't to launch Charlie and Blight and simultaneously burminate and atomize these Team Rocket fools.
Ah, the power of cutscene incompetence. Insert your own "they took my balls" joke here.
I'm not sure what happened here. Did Ura get chloroformed? Put in a bag? Thrown into a truck? Regardless, the gangsters are kidnapping a poor minor and taking him somewhere. Oh no!
Somehow, Larkspur's lab comes with a basement that's been converted into a personal prison cell. Either he has always been prepared to capture people for his machinations, or the scientists of Larkspur lab get into really kinky shit.
TROPE SUBVERSION! Except the game never gives Ura the chance to defend himself, so I dunno. Maybe a better way is to have the encounter be triggered with the Rocket goons rushing in while Ura's at a Pokemon Center or something? I dunno, this feels like another one of those times where it's played up like a clever subversion, but more of a "this will only happen one time" moment.
"I never meant to cause you any harm, but I've stolen your pet-monsters, hired mafia gang members to chloroform and/or put you in a bag, throw you in a cramped dungeon, and am monologuing.
It's probably losing money because you've been wasting it on making dungeons in a research lab, you balding buffoon.
So you're going to patent it? Reverse-engineer something that could conveniently make humans and Pokemon communicate? Revolutionize the Pokemon-training field?
Uh-huh. Underhanded, but not evil...
...and you lost me, you bumbling balding buffoon.
How the fuck is a translator device is going to "suppress their Pokemon's will"? Making them obey without hesitation because the communication barrier is down, sure, maybe. But suppressing their will just seems like a huge, ridiculous leap from point A to point B. Larkspur is a dumbass.
Also, he's planning to sell it to the mafia. I don't imagine Team Rocket will be anything other than confused when you walk up to them proudly and show off the device that can make them talk to their dumb Zubats.
Like, don't get me wrong, they'll capitalize on making it big, like it's the newest fancy thing that's marketable, but at the same time, Larkspur has this bizarre delusion that somehow the mafias want this dumb Pokemon-speech-to-human translator and somehow weaponize it or something? What is this nonsense, Jurassic World?
But how long will that be? You'll need to call the mafias, you'll need to reverse-engineer things and who knows how long it'll take! Can I at least get Netflix down here in your stupid off-budget dungeon?
Well, my party's pretty awesome! I've got a fucking extra-terrestrial being from space, a dinosaur able to breathe fire and generate earthquakes, a new never-before-seen mutation of Eevee that unleashes a miniature atomic bomb every time he hiccups, a psychic oarfish with an exposed brain, a lightning generator amoeba the size of a German shepherd (who is also a hokage) and a giant dinosaur-dragonfly monster.
...the fuck? Okay, now I'm insulted. It'd be understandable if you wanted to keep them because they are awesome, or sell them to like, Team Rocket because Charlie and Blight are far, far more potent weapons than anything you could reverse-engineer from a fucking glorified Google Translate machine.
You, sir, are a dumbass.
It is genuinely bizarre to me that people in America, Canada and Europe have tap water that you can just straight-up drink. I've lived my whole life in countries where tap water's a one-way ticket to dysentery that even the mere notion felt makes me feel a bit "ew".
Also, tough luck, Ura, when you gotta go you gotta go. Just maybe don't make physical contact with the seat. It'll be good training for your leg muscles.
Well, duh, it's cracked. You think?
Nothing to do but sleep? Ura's a braver soul than I am, I wouldn't trust the bed in Larkspur's kink-dungeon to be clean and not filled with unmentionables.
The service here is terrible. Also, there's a note, because I guess one of the scientists in Larkspur's employ isn't completely evil. Let me guess, it was the Mewtwo experiment guy.
...ya don't say? I've got eyes, y'know.
Somehow, without the knowledge of the letter, Ura's apparently gone senile and wouldn't have otherwise been able to tell that the cracked wall is hollow. Also, it just crumbles after Ura thumps it really hard.
Really should've been able to tell if the wall was that fragile, don't you think?
Larkspur has even more kinky dungeons that he's wasted his apparently limited budget on. Man, you're going under not because you're not producing results, but because you're spending money on ridiculously convoluted underground supervillain dungeons.
Oh, also, that stupid onion Saitama-cosplayer motherfucker is here. If you didn't remember from that update forever ago... I really don't care for Garlikid.
Door's locked. Garlikid is disappointed that I was about to leave him behind. Piss off and get turned into garlic bread, Garlikid.
Clicking the computer has a LOOOOOOOT of text within. The reports are basically the complete version of the random notes I found in that abandoned power plant from forever ago. As follows, they are:
- Progress is going well on Codename 092. The shell is made from radiation-impervious biofiber. It will be able to reconstruct itself is damaged.
- The power core shipped from overseas. It will require a large amount of nuclear fuel to initialize. Once fully activated, it will be able to produce nearly limitless energy.
- The MRI detected anomalous brainwave patterns. The specimen should be incapable of independent thought. We are working on a suppressant.
- Work on the Interface was finalized today. The operator will be able to assume full control of the specimen. Our chief researcher, Dr. XXXXXX has been granted clearance.
- There has been a breach of confidentiality. Henceforth all reports shall be relocated to high security underground servers. Project 092 may have to be terminated.
So basically, what I gather is that a bunch of people that includes Larkspur and possibly someone working in nuclear plant Epsilon (gee I wonder who that could be) created a sentient energy source -- most likely a Pokemon since this is a Pokemon game -- that has Wolverine-style regeneration powers, the ability to make limitless energy, and then they try to suppress its intelligence with some harness, but then the project is relocated and seemingly terminated.
Presumably "092" then caused a huge nuclear meltdown in response.
The rest is a long, long bunch of dialogue from Dr. Larkspur's journals, including how he founded Project 092 with the mysterious XXXXX (gee I wonder who that could be) and how they're working with anonymous, mysterious other organizations that are sponsoring them. I tried taking screenshots of all of the dialogue, but got tired halfway, and due to the speed I was going things sort of got jumbled up in the screenshot folder.
Also, man, narratively, this is like a pretty random place to drop SO MUCH information on us randomly. It's an exposition dump done in the worst way possible. It's only viewable in this one area, but you're put in a situation where the game is sort of egging you on to quickly free Garlikid with the password and get out of here.
Also, at some point during the process of the experiment the ever-mysterious-and-totally-not-Ura's-mother XXXXXX ended up growing close to the Specimen, probably because of that "communicate straight into the rampaging radioactive creature's brain" harness that they were developing.
Also something something about the Interface being invaluable in "Enhanced Capture Control" project, whatever the fuck that is.
We also have diaries from dr. XXXXXXX, who notes how XXXXXXXX, instead of suppressing Project 092's mental activity, instead end up communicating with each other telepathically. And then they got afraid of what's going to happen when word come that 092 is supposed to be eliminated.
And the two of them are scared and panicking and confused of what'll happen to the both of them.
And then apparently we're back in Larkspur's POV, and apparently there's a whistle-blower, and that might influence his Patreon standing or something along those lines.
And then the Rangers searched his lab, and... and found nothing, of course. But since it's Kellyn, I'm sure they were utterly incompetent.
And then he panics even further because Interpol (Looker, is this you?) is on to their bio-weapon experiment thing, and is forced to pull the plug on 092 to avoid the wrath of the mafioso.
And then Larkspur is revealed to be the one that blows up the fucking nuclear plant. He's not just a kooky bastard trying to profit from Google Translate, he also caused a nuclear meltdown!
That'd actually probably explain why Ura's Mom, if she is indeed dr. XXXXXX (we know Ura's mom is a scientist specializing in nuclear science, if nothing else), suddenly ran into the basement while shit was going down instead of evacuating with Cameron. She's going down to save Project 092.
And, again... it's a huge part of the backstory, and while it might (or might not) be explained later down the line, it sucks that a player that button-mashes might not even get to see this long, long dialogue. At least have Ura carry a data disk or something, like a "database" in a more sophisticated video game or something.
Apparently the Interpol officer got away, so Interpol officer is definitely not mom. Cameron, then? He's literally the only other named character we know about that was on-site, unless we're pulling a fast one and making up a brand-new character, which I wouldn't put past this game. Anyway, the nuclear disaster ended up throwing Interpol off of Larkspur and the bad guys' trail. Also XXXXXX is presumed dead.
Apparently they think the radiation will keep the area isolated... but you leave diaries in surprisingly resilient paper laying around the still-intact building, what?
That was a LONG read. Time to free Garlikid I guess, with the password of Project 092.
... 092 is the mascot legendary, right? It's not Garlikid.... right?
Somehow, without the PST, Ura can understand Garlikid's thoughts. Although I suppose he does have a humanoid face able to give expressions. Also... he's joined my party as my one Pokemon.
Garlikid is a Grass/Fighting physical-attacking Pokemon with strong stats, and he's got considerable firepower. Three of his four moves heal him up, so clearly the game designers want to make sure your Garlikid doesn't faint throughout the course of this sequence, unless you're really trying to see what happens.
Ura brings Garlikid back to his cell, where he Samsons the fuck out of the jail cell bars. Because Garlikid can bend the bars in Ura's cell, not the bars in his own cell.
Literal "what" moment from me right here.
I fight Larkspur's scientist minions, and their Pokemon are all weak to Garlikid's attacks. Tanscure falls down easily to fighting-type attacks, and Garglyph will die to anything Garlikid does.
Likewise, the second scientist has a Garerewl who dies to Mach Punchs, and Drilgann is allergic to anything Garlikid does.
Apparently my poke balls and items are just randomly sitting on the desk.
It's the game, not me doing it, but I love that in-universe Ura just straight-up ditches Garlikid the moment he gets his full team back. As he should, because Garlikid is a dumb-looking thing.
Oh, wow. Punctuate every single word, will you, you damn. Genocidal. Murderer.
Wait, wait, what? Garlikid destroys the notes on the PST? You took the PST when you captured me, and I freed Garlikid at around the same time. The game really could've benefited from an extra sequence where Ura and Garlikid go to like a server/library room and have Garlikid destroy it in a cutscene or some shit.
Punch that machine, Garlikid!
Also, you caused a nuclear explosion, you maniac.
Yeah, sure, having mafia men beat me up and throw me in jail is "treating me nicely".
Instead of trying to steal my Pokeballs again, or whatever, Larkspur just challenges me to a battle. Not a very smart man, Larkspur.
While the generic super scientists use the HG/SS scientist sprite, Larkspur uses the Black/White scientist sprite with a new head to reflect his balding head.
Hey, Larkspur, you want to weaponize something? My Nucleon here is a living, breathing, three-eyes walking nuclear reactor. Fuck your impractical Project 092 and the nonsense you're trying to make. This apparently-newly discovered species will teach you a simple thing: Nuclear-type attacks on any dual-type Pokemon turns into a 4x-super-effective damage.
RAIN DOWN DESTRUCTION ON HIS DUMB RACCOON!
Vilucard? Still a dual type.
TASTE OBLIVION, MONSTER, DEMON, DEVIL CONCEIVED BY THE BLACKEST WOMB
Oh god, Chupacho turns into this... this bizarre abomination. Truly, Larkspur, you are a nasty, nasty villain. What is that ugly thing.
BLAST IT BACK TO THE HELL WHENCE IT CAME
Presumably all of these massive glowing-green blasts of nuclear energy is just punching holes through Larkspur's lab.
Unfortunately for us, Larkspur's fourth Pokemon is a nasty, nasty Raffiti, who's the bigger, stupider looking evolution for Ratsy. He has a spray paint on his tail, and has a stupid face. He's also mono-type, so he survives -- barely -- from Blight's assault.
And since Blight takes 2x damage to anything that's not Nuclear type, it hurt like a bitch.
Still manages to murder the damn rat, though.
Oh, wow, Linkite got hardcore. I had no idea what a "Chainite" is, so I swapped Blight out for Charlie, showing off my other living, breathing WMD. Instead of a nuke, Charlie is more of a napalm bomb. I wasn't sure what Chainite is. Linkite is pure-Ghost, and Chainite is... I am guessing either Ghost/Dark or Ghost/Steel.
Also, I get that the creepy shadow monster bursting out of the Substitute doll is kinda creepy, but it also looks like an awkward turtle-themed sweater hoodie-vest and it looks hilarious as a side-effect.
It's not Steel-type, but Flamethrower OHKO's it anyway.
Also, Chykka learned U-Turn, which is a better physical bug-type move than Bug Bite, and being pretty fragile, it's actually ideal for her to swap out and replace herself with someone more defensive like Cerebella or LV-426 if she fails to kill her target in a single turn.
That's right, I blew more holes in the side of your stupid laboratorium. Next up I'll get Blight to go all radioactive on your stupid facility, let you feel how it's like to be in a nuclear meltdown.
Garlikid hardly did anything, to be fair. It's mostly Blight's work.
Oh yeah, sure. Flee Team Rocket. They're going to make you sleep with the fishes and all that. You're totally not afraid of my portable three-eyed nuclear fox.
Presumably Ura strong-arms the PST, which is why Larkspur is so quick to hand it over.
Wait, Team Rocket is not your sponsor? So your sponsor is, uh... Galactic? Cipher? Eh, whatever, they'll catch up with you and garrote your neck with a Tangela's vines or something.
Larkspur and his buddies escape. Unfortunately, getting the PST back means that I have to listen to onion boy's stupid drivel, and Garlikid keeps insisting on referring to Ura as "Good Human" with capitalization.
Oh yeah, whatever happened to that Owten that they were probing and hurting? We never find out either way what happened to it.
Some Chewbacca/Red Sonja blood oath thing is going on, and apparently Garlikid is now "bonded" to me. Ew, gross. I don't wanna.
Also he keeps calling Ura "Good Human".
No thanks, Garlikid, I've already got a team. Can you shoot nuclear-infused stars out of your eyes like Blight? No? Then I don't really need you. I've got a team to vanquish evil and they're more awesome than a bad One-Punch Man cosplayer with an onion mask, thank you very much.
-sigh- I guess that's a Pokedex entry.
I could name him after Saitama, or Davos Seaworth the onion knight, but Garlikid is nowhere as cool as either of them. So he's just O'Nion, the stupid garlic-faced superhero.
I refuse to have this thing in my box, so go fuck off and do your vigilantism away from the rest of my collection, O'Nion.
God, thank goodness that's all over with.
The next route, Route 16, is sort of similar to the Baykal Rainforest and Anthell where it's an exterior route that needs you to duck back into a cave with multiple exits and whatnot. It's also probably one of the more irritating parts of the game, for me at least. I'm not sure if it's just because I was a bit tired thanks to the long Garlikid quest (and it's long because I had to screenshot the reports and whatnot), but the combination of encounters every four steps in the grass and cave (none of which are interesting, either) and the constant hail whittling down the health of my party makes it a slog to go through.
Lanthanite Cave presumably is where the legendary pokemon Lanthan hangs out.
Random montage of pokemon battles. There are literally no interesting trainers here, either, they all use ice-types other than this one ace trainer that has Baariette and Garerewl.
Gararerewl is as stupid-looking as ever. Baariette is... it's kinda neat, and the final form of Baashaun. Honestly it looks like a middle form since it doesn't look quite as imposing as most of Uranium's final forms, but I know it has a Mega, being Ampharos's counterpart and everything.
EEVEELUTION FIGHT. That Glaceon outsped Blight and one-shot my poor nuclear baby.
Didn't another trainer make this joke in Baykal Rainforest? Well, hail is clearly nowhere as dangerous as the flesh-eating brood of the Seikamater.
There is this trainer, Dragon Tamer Kim, who shows up twice in the route with exactly the same party, which ended up confusing me because I thought I accidentally back-tracked or something.
Also I completely forgot Charlie has Dragon Claw -- it's been so long since I've ever had the need to use it.
Pufluff here is the other common encounter other than Colarva, Fafurr and Baaschaf. He's a cute fluffy bear cub with a domino mask that evolves into one of two not-so-cute things.
Baaschaf is also here, which, while not really giving that high of an exp yield, is still at least an evolved Pokemon. Every little bit helps! He's a fighting baa, so I name him after Tekken character Baek Doo San.
Oh hey, a mediocre Ice-type move.
One of the trainers have this adorable ice mammoth baby, who I think is one of the fossils in this game.
Also, I got lost a lot of times in this area, because fuck this area, really.
HECK YES EARTHQUAKE.
It's about damn time. It's a shame that Charlie's physical attack is just kind of not as good (ironic, since three of his four moves are physical), but Earthquake is pretty much the end-all-and-be-all of Ground-type moves, hitting hard, almost-always, and just being badass all around. Unless Archilles can learn Earth Power (and I'm not sure if he can), this is going to be Charlie's new bread and butter.
Let's test out Charlie's new move against this dumb ice-skating bunny Alpico, one of Pufluff's possible evolutions. Like... I suppose there are people who would like these things, and I respect that, but Alpico, while not being as dumb-looking as Garlikid, still makes me shrug and go "yep that's a Fakemon all right".
Colarva's second evolution, Frosulo (what is the pun behind that?) also shows up, and he looks like a monster face poorly photoshopped on top of a 5-rupee coin from Zelda. There's no depth to the ice cocoon at all, which is surprising considering how otherwise pretty good most of Uranium's spritework have been.
Oh, hey, good thing I didn't bother to teach Avalanche to anyone yet, because we get the best special-type Ice move. Who needs a frost Mothra when Cerebella can use the power of her mind to unleash a beam of frost to strike down any in her way?
(Also, yes, I still keep Yawn around, sometimes I need it to put things I want to capture to sleep)
God this route is long.
God this route is full of stupid ice rink puzzles.
God this route's puzzles lead to very underwhelming items.
God the trainers here use ice-types in the hail.
God Anderind, Pufluff's other evolution, look dumb as shit. I don't want to be mean, but... Anderind there just looks dumb.
God damn Blizzard causing both my active Pokemon to get frozen.
Snowpach's evolution becomes a square angry elephant boxing man. If not for the creepy hollow eyes, this would be a comical-looking thing. Not my thing, but I can appreciate it. Also, it still dies to Flamethrower just the same.
You're also not the first trainer to make this joke, dumbass.
Yeah, from the repeated lines of dialogue to a trainer literally being copy-pasted at different parts of it, I really feel like the team sort of rushed through making Route 16 and Lanthanite Cave. Hopefully the QC improves in this town, because holy hell I just sort of ended up going "screw it" and max repelling through the entire area.
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