Movie Review: Dragon Ball Z - Super Android 13

Dragon Ball Z: Super Android 13 [1992]

June is going to be a bit of a catch-up retro month. Throughout this month I'm going to go through a bunch of older TV series and cartoons that I kind of have outstanding, since most of the superhero TV shows this year are on in-between season hiatus. Expect a bunch more of these standalone older movies, as well as reviews of some older seasons of television that I didn't quite manage to complete like Walking Dead and Star Trek: Discovery. I'll try to get the fifth season of Agents of SHIELD somewhere in this season or the next.

And... oh boy, this movie. Right after finishing this seventh DBZ movie, I already think that it's already pretty banal and dry... but then I googled clips of the original Japanese version to confirm what my friend told me -- that Android 13, 14 as well as the computer commanding them don't actually have dialogue in the original Japanese version. The dub, meanwhile, gave dialogue to scenes where no one talks, which made Android 13 in particular memorable, at least before his power-up. I mean, it's the Southern drawl that 13 has, but that's so much better than the glowering, non-speaking brute that he was in the original version.

But even a hilarious accent and a couple of zingers given by the dub isn't enough to make this movie good, really. Which is a shame. In-between Androids 14 and 15 attacking Goku in the middle of a populated city, superhero-style and the various Arctic battles, it's a very stylish movie from a action standpoint, and even has an infamous moment where Android 13 punches Goku in the dick. However... the plot is essentially non-existent, and tying it to the actual in-canon Androids and Dr. Gero, instead of making these guys cool the way that Broly and Cooler have tenuous ties to canon, ends up raising more questions and makes me want to go watch Androids 16 through 20 instead. 

Hell, speaking of the canon androids... which one is the least memorable? If you said any other number other than 19, then the fat Chinese clown aesthetic must really appeal to you. Because 19 was just the dumb, soulless, single-minded brute that acts as Android 20/Dr. Gero's muscle. 16, while starting off as a similar musclehead, ends up getting character development, and so do the famous pair of 17 and 18, going from a bunch of rambunctious jackass teenagers to actual supporting members of the cast.

Now take all the banality of Android 19, and just choose different races, and you get the genesis behind Androids 13, 14 and 15. They're just a couple of cool designs that... don't really do anything but fuck things up before getting blown up, even in the dubbed version. They just do a Broly, gunning down Kakarot/Son Goku while roaring and showing off their power, except they have none of the menace behind Broly or the coolness factor that heralded the canon Androids' activation. Even the ripoff of Cell in 13 absorbing 14 and 15 to power up isn't even done well, coming out of nowhere, resulting in a very underwhelming blue buff man.

It's honestly just waiting for the movie's three heroes -- Goku, Trunks and Vegeta -- to power up to Super Saiyan (the movie's Japanese title was "Dragon Ball Z: Super Battle of Three Super Saiyans"). Even with the hilarious Southern drawl that the titular Android 13 has, it's still a pretty generic movie that lapses into the same rhythm that most other movies do, except the execution is a lot more suspect. 

Hell, you could even make a drinking game because this movie does the same couple of scenes that I see repeated throughout all other Dragon Ball Z movies. Oolong appearing in the first act among the main cast as they dick around? Check. Chi-Chi being a one-note parody of an Asian mother? Check. Krillin being reduced to a 'haha useless' walking joke? Check. Vegeta showing up randomly in the middle of the battle as a big-damn-heroes moment? Check. Piccolo also showing up randomly to protect Gohan from being shot? Check. Villains that rip off more interesting canon villains? Check. Arbitrary and unnecessary power-up? Check.

The movie ends after a long repetitive sequence of beat-em-up after Android 13 transforms into the big blue form, sucking the fun out of the movie when he loses the Southern accent, and reducing the remaining action sequences to pointless ineffective punch barrages until Goku charges the Spirit Bomb, seemingly absorbs it and wins. And... um... it's very likely to just be coincidence, but honestly the concept of absorbing the Spirit Bomb as a power-up as opposed to lobbing it at the enemy is sorta-kinda like what Future Trunks would use in Super, isn't it? Huh. I never expected a "foreshadowing" of sorts to happen in a non-canon, non-serial movie.

Oh, speaking of non-canon and timelines... this one just straight-up doesn't make sense, does it? It takes place after 17 kills dr. Gero, quite explicitly... but since the Android and Cell saga essentially takes place together, and Goku's alive, Future Trunks is around and Gohan is still treated as useless and Krillin-tier, there's no way this could have happened in-canon unless our heroes decide to take a break in the time between Cell reaching his perfect form and the Cell games and go shopping and have fun. 

Overall, honestly -- just watch the far more hilarious and shorter Abridged Version. In fact, if you're any sort of a Dragon Ball Z fan, watch the entire catalogue of Dragon Ball Z Abridged. It's far better than wasting your time with this bloated movie.