And apparently Nintendo has heard the call for good Pokemon design, because everything in the past 800+ designs have satisfied the fandom. And thus, as we go to Coronia, Nintendo is going to do the amazingly revolutionary thing of burning everything to the ground and start from zero. Taking inspiration at older games, we return to sprite-based visuals and an amazing 386 brand-new Pokemon are released and you won't believe the amazing amount of creativity that went into these. Nostalgia is the name of the game this time around, with lots of Pokemon that harken back to older ones, while at the same time not afraid of being a little edgy and gritty and dark. Basically everything the fans have been clamouring for! I'm going to put the huge, huge list of 386 new Pokemon under a break because I'm afraid of the Nintendo copyright police hunting me down. But suffice to say that while I tend to be someone who hates spoilers, these new designs will change how you look at Pokemon at all. Old classics? Charizard? Mewtwo? Eevee? Rayquaza? Lucario? Pffft, get out. These are the pinnacle of new creativity, blowing out every single Pokemon in the previous generations. We're even apparently excluding the old Pokemon in this new generation, but it won't matter once you see the masterpieces that are the Coronian Pokemon.
The theme of the region is great, too. Apparently it's set in Spain, but also has a lot of aspects taken from other countries as well? And you won't believe how amazingly likable the professor of the region is, too, and the legendaries just blow all the previous ones out of the water. They're so fucking epic and amazing and you just can't hold a candle to them!
I could keep you waiting in anticipation, but, man, just click the link after the break to see just how AMAZING these new designs are.
Look at that gorgeous load screen! None of these over-designed legendary mascots, we're just harkening back to a classic design, Rayquaza, but improved significantly. And just look at that amazing font for the title screen! You can just see just how utterly creative this entire thing is, it exudes mystery and badassery and it's just going to be such an epic journey through this brand new region oh my god I can't wait for "Gwattz" to drop later this year! Yeah, I've seen some arguments that the title should be read as "Quartz", but man, can't you see that font?
Also it's instantly clear that this brand-new version mascot is far, far superior compared to Rayquaza. We're only having a single game in this generation, and Nintendo has finally broken free of their money-grubbing tendency to release two games and keeping some Pokemon restricted to one version of the game.
And, oh, I just saw a draft of the plot of the game and it will blow everything out of the water! Unova? Alola? Pfft, this plot will make those seem like the mad fever rants of a ten-year-old in comparison. Drawing from the classic Generation III Hoenn plot but rewriting it heavily to be the game we deserve, Gwattz will set such a huge level of narrative amazingness that we're never going to see previous games the same ever again. Hell, it's arguably a risky thing for Nintendo to do this since no one's ever going to buy their remakes or re-releases of old games (Sword and Shield are still in the market!), but very ballsy indeed since they know that we, the fans, have been clamouring for a genuine quality game like this. Just look at these Pokedex, compiled from the offices of Nintendo. I have the actual names thanks to a leaked Pokedex list, but you'll be able to see these amazing, amazing sprites for yourselves.
- Seegg: Our grass starter is an egg with a cracked hole, two glowing eyes and horns, which is just amazing in its simplicity. For once, Nintendo listened to us and have given us a trio of starters that look identical to each other and truly belong in a set, similar to the critically-acclaimed and very popular elemental monkeys from Unova. Seegg just blows the silly nonsense that is Bulbasaur and Treecko and Snivy and Grookey out of the water. It's adorable, yet sublime and also cool at the same time. Seegg will lay siege to your enemies, if I dare say.
- Flowbaby: And, of course, it hatches into this amazingly adorable upside-down shoe that still wears its egg-shells, complete with leaf-hands. Leaf-hands! Who would've ever thought of that?
- Jardino: And finally, Seegg's final evolution is the amazingly breath-taking Jardino, who just brims with creativity. Man, I wouldn't want to be the parent that has to line up and fight at the toy store to get all the Jardino plushies! Look at that clorious buck-tooth, and that beautifully malformed and out-of-proportion body! Truly, this is a unique, one-of-a-kind grass starter that's going to put any future attempts at designing grass starters to shame.
- Firegg: The fire starter has as much gloriousness as Seegg, and it's going to be such an agonizing, life-changing decision when I finally get my hands on this game and have to choose between these starters. I tend to feel particularly strongly about one or two of the starters in any given region, but honestly, these three are just such masterpieces of creature design and creativity that I can't really choose!
- Embaby: And look at this glorious, glorious-looking little tumour lizard creature that adorably cavorts around with an eggshell hat and eggshell diaper! Truly, this is how that disgusting Vullaby should've been in the first place. This makes me wonder what the guys at Gamefreak were smoking when they designed Charmander. Look at this perfection.
- Tyradino: And, oh my god, fire starters have traditionally been the most popular, but now they combine a fire starter with a tyrannosaurus rex? Who would've thunk it? Such a marvelous take on conventional proportions, too, making that lower jaw extend and curl around, and the body of the beast so small. They know what part of the creature is going to be the most noticeable to the audience, and they definitely emphasized on the massive, massive jaws. Tyrantrum? Pfft, y'ain't got shit, Tyrantrum.
- Aquegg: As much as I would love to do detailed, fifteen-paragraph essays on each and every Pokemon on this list, we do have a lot to go through and my soul cries out for breezing through some of these, but we do have to, because we need to get to the rest of this marvelous pokedex.
- Ornababy: It's arguably the same thing as Embaby and Flowbaby, particularly with the 'baby' part, but it is still amazing since the design just ends up drawing on classic cartoon characters like Donald Duck and Daffy Duck, and it's Nintendo basically putting its feet down and declaring that they're going to fight back against this duck monopoly. And, honestly, Disney and Warner Bros better watch the fuck out.
- Oceadino: So yeah, even the final forms, as different and eclectic as they might seem at a first glance, actually all are dinosaurs, even Oceadino, who might just seem like a giant, rotund and slightly-deformed duck, but ducks are birds and birds are the descendants of dinosaurs so who's laughing now, HMMM? What an amazing, badass and calming starter. Truly embodies the wrath of nature itself. And how adorable that it appears to be carrying an Aquaegg on its pouch, similar to Kangaskhan? Clearly, this is a platypus, which is a mammal, and not at all related to a duck, and therefore not related to dinosaurs at all, but clearly you just don't understand the genius at work here.
- Sever: The 'rodent' of this region might be the first that everyone takes in their party to the Elite Four, because Sever is the pinnacle of design. It's not just a rat... it's a rat wearing a lint jacket with a clown nose... AND IT'S UPSIDE DOWN. What a revolutionary and shocking creative choice there!
- Ayewiraz: Sever's evolution then stands right back up, with an even bigger clown nose and an even bigger dust-dirt jacket around its body! Truly, the definition of "bigger is better". To obtain this marvelous rat god, you're going to not just turn your Switch upside-down, but inside-out as well! Just look at the subtle art for the legs, which has two toes on one leg and one on the other.
- Squirriti: Truly exemplifying the fact that sometimes simpler designs are always better (pfft, Reshiram), Squirriti is just a cartoon squirrel! You can't beat simplicity, and Squiritti is going to definitely be one of the most popular one. Definitely enough to dethrone Pikachu as mascot of the franchise, and it'd be financial suicide to not do so!
- Acronel: Clearly the "cron" in the name also refers to venereal horror extraordinaire, David Cronenberg, because look at Squirriti's evolution! It's hideously malformed to some spineless creature whose tail is roughly 60% of its body mass. This is true horror, ladies and gentlemen, and how Sentret and Furret should have been.
- Larvly: Another great example of Nintendo's daring to push the boundaries of Pokemon design, Larvly is our new starter bug and you know I love bugs, and Larvly is such an amazingly great design, not just looking like a regular maggot, but also like a condom filled with blood, which is a sign of how utterly EDGEEE this game is.
- Cricoon: The cocoon design of Larvly is just amazing, taking out all the red blood and just giving it truly human eyes. Art mimics life, as they say, and Cricoon is the embodiment of the meaning of life.
- Cricrit: See, not content at just being a cricket, Cricrit only has a single cricket leg attached at the exactly wrong place in the body, and pointed the wrong way, as well as a gigantic cartoon head with googly eyes. The end result makes it look unrecognizable as a cricket to less discerning eyes, perhaps, but this is truly an astounding example at what true creative genius can be. Truly, it's ascended regular insects and have became some sort of ascended being!
- Composcoon: A compost cocoon? Man, they really aren't afraid of going all out, huh? A decaying pile of presumably zombified insect remains... is this where the alleged 'death evolution' comes into play???
- Flynfly: Oh wow, I look at the amazingly grotesque not-made-on-MS-Paint-we-promise proportions of Flynnfly and I wonder what nonsense they were thinking when they designed crap like Venomoth and Beautifly and Vivillon. Honestly, everyone knows that butterflys have a single pair of upward-pointing wings, a massive blob-head, a straw-mouth and an equally massive blob-belly. In fact, I hear that Flynfly's design is so amazing that scientists over at the Umbrella Pharmaceutical company are so moved that they're trying to genetically reverse-engineer real-life butterflies and moths to look more like Flynfly.
- Weedo: It's a green flat pumpkin with a featureless palm tree that is waving at us! You just really want to wave back at him, look at how friendly it is! It's Pyukumuku done right, oh my god!
- Flosea: And then Weedo evolves into the amazingly grotesque tentacle-alien monster Flosea, and, no joke, this would've been my favourite design in this entire game, if not for...
- Weedalgu: WEEDALGU! My new favourite Pokemon, and look at this thing! It's a tentacle beast that clearly draws inspiration from Yogg-Nyalrahosottoth, the well-renowned Elder God from the Cthulhu mythos. Look at those tentacles, and that face that truly embodies the screaming dead souls of a thousand dead young.
- Cactino: This is another example of a great simple-is-better design, because the likes of Cacnea and Maractus are way too derivative. ARMS? Who needs arms in a plant Pokemon? Cactino is just a rotten hairy tennis ball with eyes. This is truly, the pinnacle of simple designs.
- Cacutu: Cactino's amazing evolution doesn't really change a lot, preserving a lot of the charm of the original design, instead just becoming more blob-like.
- Dessertea: And Dessertea ends up being even more blob-like and is now pockmarked with acne, and I can guarantee this will strike a crowd with the current teenaged audience. Simply sublime design.
- Reabari & Ruycantor: I'm going to review evolutionary families together now, because, well, otherwise things will get too long. Ah, the regional bird! And it's so, so adorable, this fat small bird child with a single strand of hair with a crown placed on top of it. Simply sublime, and truly, the new king (or queen) of the entire Pokemon franchise. And it evolves into a bigger, fatter bird with a bigger, fatter crown, because everyone knows that the true sign of genuine kinghood is how rotund and corpulent you are.
- Bolichano & Pelichen: Everyone knows Pelipper is one of the greatest and most beloved of designs, so they improved on it with Bolichano, who takes the sheer genius behind Pelipper and replaces it with a more appropriate pre-evolution, one with such a small body and a larger focus on the big beak. Its evolution Pelichen is clearly a superior sprite to Pelipper in every single conceivable way, is going to straight-up replace Pelipper in the national Pokedex from now on. Look at just how well-done changing the proportions of this old, nasty Pokemon ends up being!
- Hamet, Ratelo & Psimouse: Wow, look at how subtle the changes between these three Psychic-type green clown mice are, huh? And mice are clearly obvious psychic creatures. Clearly, clown noses are one of the most AMAZING features in this amazing collection of creature designs, and if there's one complaint I have about this regional pokedex, is that we don't have enough clown noses.
- Hoverbug & Planebug: A blue blob with spring toy antennae, evolving into a plane-butterfly creature? Planebug is such an abstract design that you really can't tell that it's a bug or a plane, and honestly, I'm so glad they clarified it for us. What an amazingly well-done creature, and you can just see the subtle homages to clearly-inferior Generation III Pokemon Surskit and Masquerain, who would rightfully be replaced with the geniusness of Hoverbug and Planerbug.
- Strawbaya & Dendrock: A pumpkin with a mouth that resembles a sex toy? My god, how edgy can Pokemon be? What a brave, brave leap that Pokemon takes now! And it evolves into Dendrock, and maybe fools can't see what pumpkins have to do with a giant log of wood with huge Jynx lips and two boxing-glove arms, but clearly these people who complain about 'not getting' this creative genius need to brush up on their mythology degree. My new all-time favourites, I am sure.
- Ronslept, Leirao & Dorliron: Ron Slept? Yes, Ron did sleep! Look at this trio of amazing designs. You go from a white sleeping, slightly-deformed weasel-rat thing into a brown raccoon whose face looked punched-in, and into Dorliron, the true epitome of "indescribable". Dorliron is just a genius design of an eldritch creature, and clearly what H.P. Lovecraft had in mind when he wrote all of those Cthulhu mythos stuff, works of fiction that will regrettably be phased aside now that we're going to have cosmic horror stories featuring Dorliron and Weedalagu.
- Ivoro, Dreamo & Mammare: A tiny little mass of indescribable brown goop with wings evolving into a giant yellow elephantine creature (with wings!) and into a flying elephant? What sheer genius! Clearly cashing in on Disney's brand-new Dumbo reboot, these go one step further and are flying telekinetic ghost elephants! How metal can you get? Psychic tandem war elephant, indeed!
- Gustano & Duostano: IT'S AN ANGRY GRAY SPERM WITH A FACE THAT EVOLVES INTO AN ANGRIER GRAY SPERM WITH TWO FACES. HOW AMAZING IS THAT??? NO POKEMON BEFORE HAS EVER BEEN DESIGNED WITH A SPERM IN MIND, AND HIS NAME IS FREAKIN' GUSTANO.
- Phico: Phico might be slightly derivative of those Zelda bosses, but clearly far superior because its eye is a little bit bent. My all-time favourite, actually, even though the others might look far more creative or interesting.
- Tinygon, Balagon & Iguagon: Following the very popular decision of making Charizard and Gyarados into dragons that are not dragon-type, Nintendo outdid themselves with the Tinygon evolution line, which clearly have "gon" in their name, but are just Normal-type lizards! And look at Tinygon, looking for all the world like a Haunter with a post-it note stuck into his face! And that post-it note evolves along with him to turn into some sort of neck tumour as little Haunter evolves into a lizard for some reason!
- Energiz & Musclelc: Oh, man, and you thought the Energizer Bunny was shocking! Look at these! Little bunny heads with massive biceps and sunglasses? Clearly the epitome of 'cool', and clearly this new designer they hired knows just what anatomy part that Pokemon lacks -- sunglasses!
- Piscy & Dolphe: Even the regular fish in this world looks amazing, what with little vacuum-cleaner-face creatures like these!
- Thundish & Thundran: Look at the cute little fishy that evolves into some sort of electric dragon-demon with a pig face! Look at how utterly bad-mother-fucking-ass Thundran is, while also keeping most of its body simple. It piles up all the creepy badass factor into the face, and you know what's going on there.
- Beavy, Beavon & Umbeavella: A pair of tiny, stylized, deformed beavers whose tails end up being gigantic human biceps that are flexing? Amazing. The differences between the two forms are utterly subtle, until you get the final form which combines the bicep with the beaver, turning the entire thing into a rodent version of Elvis Presley.
- Jonic, Doric & Corint: An upside-down hat with the most "tired of this life" face, turning into a magician's top hat blwoing a raspberry, and into an even bigger top hat with wings? Clearly it's blowing a raspberry at all the inferior 800+ designs in the past! What an amazing and creative design, and while some argue that these are based on columns, they clearly aren't! The sprites would've communicated it better if they were based on anything other than magician's top-hats.
- Deprip: OH MY GOD GUYS IT'S A CROSS! RELIGIOUS REFERENCES! THE MADMEN, NINTENDO HAVE DONE IT! Clearly a homage to the silly religious panic that Pokemon set off back in the 90's, Deprip, in addition to being a pun on derp and RIP, is an amazing middle finger at the detractors of Pokemon, and everyone will love the pun on "boner" -- both the bone arms that Derprip has and the little boner you can see in his crotch area.
- Babos & Osoe: You know what people have been asking? More realistic humanoid Pokemon, and older protagonists. While the protagonists in this game are still teenagers, you can catch a Babos, who is modeled after a fat middle-aged man with a massive underbite, gigantic man-boobs, stump legs and constantly scratching its bum, which evolves into the flesh-toned Osoe who has the body that bodybuilders will only dream of. Check out those guns, and that five-o-clock shadow, and apparently, in response to all the fan art Pokemon's been receiving online, Babos and Osoe's dex entries will brave the topical theme of Pokemon/Human interspecies romance, since they will be able to use attract on opposing trainers. How radical and not-at-all creepy is that?
- Stulo, Fungio & Tostol: A bunch of purple mushrooms that just swap around proportions as they evolve! How utterly creative! I'm not sure why it took them so long to get to these pinnacles of evolution, and instead we dick around with unconventional fungi in the previous generations like Shiinotic and Morelull. More like, more LOL on those designs, am I right?
- Pikish & Lionegosh: Man, Qwilfish wishes he was like Pikish and Lionegosh (below), who have personality and big, full round sexy lips that so many Pokemon in the Coronaria have. And Lionegosh even has these amazing arms! Look at these amazing and totally-not-deformed things.
- Fatube: You know when a design is great? When you look at it for an hour and you still have no fucking idea what it's based on, and that's just amazing, a true accomplishment, as this bizarre floating hermit crab duck bird ghost thing is.
- Hooley: A slab of concrete with a miniskirt hula-dancing away? Truly, a new classic that will change the sheer standard of this entire franchise. It's my new all-time favourite and I knew I said that a couple times before but ALL OF THESE ARE MY FAVOURIETS. What a great subversion, having a hula dance Pokemon that's not tropical-themed at all!
- Opail, Hompalon & Gemmal: A SPOON WITH A FACE! Which evolves into increasingly non-conventionally proportioned robot-alien things. Clearly this is an evident recreation and improvement on the now-embarrassing-in-comparison xenomorphs from Alien. Combining the themes of classic "Grey" aliens and the beastly, spindly legs of xenomorphs, and also the baby form is a spoon for some reason, this line is clearly a work of genius.
- Kango, Kinboxo & Punchzo: How utterly creative it is for them to finally make a kangaroo Pokemon? And with boxing gloves, too, and just being pure-Fighting, too! How refreshingly obvious and stereotypical, with the slight subversion of giving them Cyclops visors, unconventional body shapes (clearly and obviously meant to help with the kickboxing), a hula hoop for Kinboxo and a belly-button piercing for Punchzo.
- Mindum & Mindaoom: Kung-fu psychic rabbits with massive block-legs and gigantic Terriermon knockoff ears? Meditite and Medicham aren't nothing compared to these amazing looking creatures!
- Plug-Oink & Spig: THE new mascots of the game, Pikachu can go and die in a fire, clearly its unpopularity stems from the fact that it can never hold a candle to Plug-Oink and its ability to plug its cord tail into its nose. And then it evolves and retains its charm, esssentially being a bigger and bluer version of himself. What an amazing and newly timeless design.
- Amede & Amedi: A red little Gremlin doll that evolves into a blue, slightly-bigger Gremlin? Don't feed these guys at night!
- Spingen & Duosgen: Magnemite clearly has nothing, I say nothing, comapred to these guys that will flat-out replace Magnemite in all subsequent re-releases of games (why would you play them instead of Quartz, though), and you can just see the utterly alien face and weird grabby hands on Spingen. Duosgen straight-up just looks like a very scientific recreation of a molecule or some shit.
- Spiki & Eliko: The crossover with Sonic the Hedgehog we were not expecting, Nintendo is going to have a little mound of spikes with a clown nose, and then it will evolve into a stout midget hedgehog with a BLACK clown nose. What a daring design choice!
- Amra & Armstorm: Why fix what isn't broken, right? Amra is a remote-control millipede or pillbug, and that's just a genius combination of two concepts that in hindsight should probably be a bit more obvious. And, of course, the best design feature of all... CLOWN NOSE. The bug lover in me just died a little at how majestic Amra and his recoloured evolution Armstrom is. What a great pun name Armstrong is, too! My new favourites and arrrgh there are so many new great designs in the ninth generation what is thi?
- Semilleto (top), Flocepan, Arquidea & Frucpao: A four-stage evolution? Sure, Arquidea loses its Bug typing when it evolves into Frucpao, but this is such a genuinely superior design to Oddish's evolutionary line, so much that, like several others on top, they'll replace Oddish's entire evolutoinary line. Look at how it gradually shrinks down from a flower into an apple! Genius design!
- Bubel & Scentbird: Toucannon is clearly inferior to these two, because clearly these two birds with their simple striped colour scheme is so much cooler and far more superior that the banality of Toucannon's "realistic" colour scheme. Why look like a real, colourful tropical bird when you can look like a dirty sweater?
- Fairoot: Oh my god, how adorable is this? Decidueye, Noctowl, eat your heart out. Clearly, this little ghost-sheet owl with a little feather stuck on its head is what the Nintendo games need right now. Fairoot, I think, will be made available as a DLC character in Super Smash Bros and Pokken Tournament?
- Simpleon & Dobleon: In another ingenious way, Nintendo has design the pretty abstract Simpleon as the pre-evolution to Dobleon. While Dobleon is just a grinning millipede with devil legs, connecting it to the floating spiky-fruit-sphere-with-a-shovel is clearly simple logic, like eggs evolving into a coconut tree. Truly, Nintendo genius strikes again.
- Awhol & Whola: True embodiments of wax sculpting, Awhol is half a whale, who ever does that? Whale monsters are a dime a dozen, and Awhol is half a whale, with huge sexy duck lips, while Whola is a screaming blob with little hands and gigantic snake fangs. While people complain that Whola doesn't actually look like a whale, clearly they are not aware of the obscure Balderdash gibberishus, a species of ancient, extinct, genetically-modified time-displaced whale.
- Colossio & Descomune: A tortoise with random shards of glass on its shell might seems boring, but Colossio evolves into a mountain tortoise, with clouds all over it. And the name implies that it's a disco mountain tortoise. Truly, simple yet elegant.
- Llamayama & Chimneyama: While many people are confused what Llamayama is supposed to be -- a clam, some sort of deformed taco, an anemone, a baby-level blob Digimon -- it's clearly and obviously a llama. Have they never watched Emperor's New Groove? Chimneyama is even more amazing, becoming a pile of parts that modern art artists can only look at in envy.
- Bunrco & Flameco: OH the pun on flameco hahaha. Look at Burnco's face, truly, the visage of an amazing, surprised bird with such personality. The sheer details on the simple-yet-elegant stick-legs on Flameco is also amazing.
- Coalchar: A slightly-burnt piece of wood with little gimp arms? And a face? Why did Nintendo take so long to make a Grass/Fire Pokemon when this sort of genius should really have been obvious to them?
- Salama & Mantiga: Replacing Salandit and Salazzle in the new Pokemon canon which will decanonize all the previous instances of Pokemon 'canon' like the ever-popular and universally-praised New Disney Star Wars canon, Salama and Mantiga are such great improvements on the concept of a poison lizard, looking ever so slightly deformed but also adorable in their cartoonish looks. Rumour has it that Disney is in so much love with the designs of these two that future releases of Monsters, Inc and Kingdom Hearts III will have the character "Randall" be digitally replaced with a Mantiga.
- Powergas & Pasqall: Such an amazing design! A two-coloured sphere of gas that explodes? And it's poison-fire? Clearly not a concept we've ever seen before in Pokemon -koffkoffwheeze- and the fact that it goes from some sort of abstract floating blowfish into some sort of abstract demented Death Star is just astounding.
- Tigat (top) & Tigator: You know what the world needs? A pair of cats that look like they've slammed head-first onto the wall, basically becoming the cat equivalent of pugs! And Tigator is going to appeal to the legions of people who truly love other deformed cats in the Pokemon franchise, like Alolan Persian... except Alolan Persian really can't compete with the sheer gloriousness of Tigator
- Nole & Groundoe: NOLE hahaha get it because it's a mole with a nose hahahahaa oh Pokemon you cad! Amazing designs, either way, being glorious, naked depiction of moles, and of course they have sunglasses, the greatest anatomical feature in a Pokemon. These two will appaerntly be heavily featured in the Mole Man Arc of the game, where you encounter a secluded society of sub-human Mole people!
- Bounny: It's a deformed, floating Spinda head with rabbit feet and a bushy tail hanging down from it! Clearly a reference to the classic Legend of Zelda enemy the Pol's Voice!
- Sneetchy: Conventional birds are boring, so we have this silver bird that's appaerntly a depiction of the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter, but also slightly deformed, with a beak located on top of its eyes, wings on its butt and nubs for claws. Breaking the norms of conventional design is the name of the game!
- Progon, Rubygon & Sapphiregon: Progon is a small, disembodied Dragonite head with little nubs for arms and legs. And in a stark reminder and homage to two previous games (because they'd be overshadowed by Quartz otherwise) we get Rubygon and Sapphiregon, who individually are much better than all the 300+ designs contained in those inferior games. Look at the aesthetically-pleasing deformities that Sapphiregon has! And this time, their clown noses are at their tail! Talk about subverting expectations!
- Apinep & Pinark: APINEP IS JUST A GREEN CACTUS PENIS. It evolves into Pinark, a cactus owl creature that looks like a bunch of butts stuck together, and is another example of Pokemon showing off their utterly amazing ability to combine multiple things into a single cohesive design.
- Jackan & Lotbird: No joke, these are called the "christ bird" pokemon in the game's dex entry, and clearly another sign of Pokemon being so edgy with them referring to religion in relation to a bird that can apparently walk on water with their adorably out-of-proportion feet!
- Copycatte: We've never had a pink, transforming Pokemon before, and we've never had a pun on "copycat" before! What an amazing addition to the rich lore established by this new canon. Clearly, similar to Tigatron up above, Copycatte is another example of Nintendo pandering to the masses with "cat that has ran face-first into a brick wall and got smooshed" fad.
- Onike: An evil cobra-woman with hands? Clearly, this is far, far superior to the silly snakes we've had before, and Onike just ends up looking so, so amazing, such a great embodiment of the evil edginess of 80's cartoon design, and one that will remain a classic in subsequent Pokemon generations .
- Clostar & Stargo: An amazing pair of evolutions, a little chesnut with spikes that evolves into an orange with spikes! How utterly revolutionary!
- Soie & Corongori: LOOK AT SOIE LOOK AT THAT DUMB FISH FACE HAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THAT SHIIIIIT. Ahem. Clearly, Nintendo has learned the art of self-parody, clearly modelling Soie after previous "dumb but lovable" pokemon such as Psyduck and Stunfisk (who shares the same 'flatfish' inspiration as Soie), while having it evolve into a glorious conger eel, a creature we've never seen represented in Pokemon and such a creative take on the real-world creature, only altering it with the addition of it huge, sexy lips.
- Searoket & Helixet: Praise the Helix Fossil, but praise Helixet even more. An adorable little squid that has its head also function as a rocket, which is a genuinely creative thing to do, actually, in all honesty.
- Goduck & Duckamid: ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED. The Illuminati is real, and they are psychic ducks. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED.
- Torido & Dotori: A pair of colourful dodo birds that have huge pumpkin tumour hair that covers their eyes! And Dotori's apparently Fighting/Flying, because subtlety is key, and this green pumpkin dodo is defintiely an embodiment of fighting, not at all like the in-your-face luchador Hawlucha.
- Enyendrode & Mongostre: I don't konw what sort of a genius design I was expecting when I saw the name "Mongostre", but this definitely blew my expectations out of the water! The proportions are unconventional and almost evocative of a child's bored scribbles in the notebook, and that is a very, very charming thing to base a Pokemon of.
- Fookid, Fatte & Glotten: "FOOK ID" is what people will say to the previous designs of the game, because who has never wanted to train a little pink sphere that evolves into increatingly large obese boys with a stupid spit-curl hair? Charming!
- Icish & Freech: Another amazingly unconventional and bizarre evolutionary line, we have a fish with a tumour dangling out of his eye, evolving into a massive, superior design of what Altaria should have been, a cloud-bird with the head of a shrieking turkey being butchered alive. Truly, one of the most majestic designs in the game, although I'm worried at the amount of fan art that Freech will receive online will eclipse everything else in this game.
- Kotokabe: It's a floating Shy Guy mask slapped onto a white midget body! Sometimes just plagiarizing blindly from other games is the way to go!
- Prawby & Prawking: Corpish? Clawitzer? Pfft, eat your heart out, now we have a proper prawn Pokemon with a single, disproportionately long antenna-proboscis, and a crown of Prawking's head. Amazing artwork, and, again, like Mongostre, does not look at all like a child's drawing. My new favourites for this game for sure.
- Mimikat: It's like Copycatte, but they knew that this Pokemon would be big, so they gave us a second one! The effort to make this one certainly must be large, too, probably involving copious usage of the paint bucket tool and edits on the tail.
- Catalon & Mazalon: Spoopy boys! Another reference to religion, this time Eastern ones, we've got those seals you see in anime to seal demons in place, and clearly this sad floating ghost boy is going to be everyone's new favourite sad ghost. Eat your heart out, Mimikyu.
- Guinette & Woopet: Guinette is the amazing ghost creature that's a trash bag with an adorable little owl head! How utterly adorable, and it evolves into Woopet, a bizarre gremlin child which might look silly, but think really hard to all your childhood nightmares, and I BET that this dust-spreading, giant-headed little demon imp is going to remind so many people of their childhood nightmares!
- Liofang: It's a little sphere with helicopter arms and what appears to be a fuse that shoots out sparks! But it's actually a dandelion spore! Genius! Hoppip wishes it was this cool.
- Gritespec & Agoir: Gritespec embodies all those formless, shapeless and abstract nightmares you have, because, really, why do all ghosts look humanoid anyway? They probably all look like bizarre, malformed abominations like Gritespec, anyway. I'm not sure why it evolves into a very pissed-off stone owl, but it does, and it makes sense thematically, I'm sure!
- Hormig & Llamose: A red trumpet-rodent creature that evolves into... into what the fuck is Llamose I don't even know, but it's certainly a proof of Nintendo's amazing creativity at making an all-new design that draws from no animals or objects. Clearly they're sick of people complaining that "oooh this is just a bird" or "oooh this is just a stupid pile of gears", so Llamose, being an abstract creature, joins the likes of Gritespec and Dorliron in being amazingly formless.
- Gusvolts, Covolts & Lucivolts: It's a pair of yellow... things! Electric/Bugs! Bugs are cool, right, and I abso-fuckin-lutely love bugs! Gusvolts is some sort of non-descript maggot-worm creature, which evolves into... a lump of dog poo with the ever-important clown nose sticking out of Covolts' bug butt. It then evolves into Lucivolts, some sort of a bug fairy with eyes that have truly seen the horrors of the world. Lucivolts also steals Charlie Brown's shirt, because fuck that kid!
- Pulsul & Koropul: Pulsul is a pretty damn adorable little octopus baby, and word is Japan's now banning octopus meal in every single restaurant because they saw Pulsul and are drawn in by its cuteness. Koropul is... an octopus with a shell, I believe? Or is it a plastic bag? It's intentionally ambiguous, which is always great since fandoms are always built on alternate interpretations.
- Boguon & Medrake: Look at Boguon's face, he looks so fucking scared and concerned! The minimalistic design of just a blue play-doh with stub limbs is contrasted and juxtaposed beautifully with the amazing expression. Boguon evolves into Medrake, who is some sort of a screaming blob with wings and bird feet.
- Freion & Coronneo: To avoid any racial connotations with Natu and Xatu, the two will be digitally removed from every Pokemon episode, manga, trading card and tie-in socks and replaced with Freion and Coronneo, who embodies everything important about Natu and Xatu, but without any unfortunate racial connotations! A great step forward for Pokemon!
- Zhipo: A deformed hippopotamus with tiger stripes? Hippopotas wishes it was this inventive. Tiger stripes, man, that is the new classic standard for inventiveness!
- Bernadog & Rescudog: First religious references, and now alcohol? Wow, Pokemon are getting real mature and edgy and adult, just like what the fandom really wants! But while Rescudog clearly has a keg of alcohol on its neck, cleverly incorporating how St. Bernard dogs run around to rescue lost travelers, its pre-evolution, Bernadog, is going to clearly be another corporate mascot, looking like a wonderful koala with, yet again, another clown nose! Praise be the clown nose!
- Tejemeje & Betal: Hey, why confuse the kids with punny names when you can juts call a Beetle a "Betal"? Such creativity is seen in these two giant grub-beetle things, with Tejemeje having a glorious batch of eyeballs, and Betal seemingly having the horn layout of a Hercules Beetle or something. Pretty cool, and I'm going to have to decide whether I'm going to use a Betal or a Armstrong in my playthrough as my dome-shaped armoured worm bug!
- Rocorrodo & Cornodo: ...or these two, who are also domed, metallic dome-shaped armoured pillbugs! Sure, we might already have a bunch of armoured worm/beetle/pillbug creatures earlier in the Pokedex, but Nintendo knows damn well what the audience loves. Rocorrodo has some amazing personality in those angry eyes, and Cornodo and his creepy goggly-eyes is a wonderful pun on "Rhinoceros Beetle", despite not actually looking like the beetle in question. Expectation: subverted! Truly, a marvel of ingenuity!
- Spinwing & Bobeguin: Move away, Piplup, and your cluttered, busy design... say hello to round penguin child Spinwing, who borrows Poliwhirl's gimmick to become Bobeguin, the swirl-patterned penguin nevermind the fact that Poliwhirl's actually referencing to a biological aspect of real-life tadpoles!
- Coldchick, Freezock & Berschi: Another round baby bird, because round baby birds are adorable! It grows a spit-lick, because spit-licks are adorable! And it evolves into an ice chicken, because we all know roosters and chickens are associated with ice, what with fast-food restaurants keeping their chicken in the freezer! It's obvious.
- Berchi (top), Mejiyonson & Loapa: Berchi looks like Shellder, but none of this annoying 'stylization' with unrealistic eyes and spikes, and is just a clam with a tongue sticking out. REALISM. Mejiyonson is also like Shellder, but it has three malformed, mismatched eyes, while looking like a huge grinning face. What a creative usage of the animal's biology! And Loapa is... a Shellder sucking on a huge white rock? The skull of a dead fish? A rock with a hat? I am so waiting for the game in order to find out more about the mysteries behind the anatomy of Loapa.
- Monkoor: Oh, hey, an anglerfish Pokemon, none of that cutified nonsense that Chinchou and Lanturn are! This is an anglerfish -- specifically the monkfish -- in all its pants-shittingly-scary glory! But also cute, becuase it also has a CLOWN NOSE ANGLER LIGHT OH MY GOD CLOWN NOSES.
- Flysh, Eloru & Aenguile: Flysh might look like a simple long fish with lips, but it evolves into a blue sperm, which evolves into an angry blue sperm! Both sperms are electric, too! How shocking!
- Tincrab: Hahaha get it? It's a hermit crab that hides inside a tin can, and all you can see is the can part. Sure, the sprite might be a little hard to get for those without any imagination, but thankfully Nintendo has the hindsight of giving it an obvious name.
- Plures, Drancoon & Dralula: A little dick-shaped metal worm with eyelashes and mascara and sexy lips that evolves into a pupa... but not just a pupa! It's a fat, malformed potato-pupa with KISS metalhead makeup and a mouth on the top of his head, which evolves into a giant dragonfly and I absolutely adore the stylized, MS-Paint style quality that went here. Simply amazing, and Flygon doesn't hold a candle to this.
- Dristal, Fėengon & Drahago: A little bizarre worm-serpent creature that evolves into a head-pointing down serpent butterfly, which evolves even more into a longer version of itself! It's what Dratini should be, evolving into increasingly longer and more majestic versinos of itself, while also having elements of bugs in its design! Except it's actually an ice dragon! Dragons are cool and we get a lot of Dragons because who ever gets sick of dragons am I right? You know Feȇngon is cool because it has an accent on its name, and not just regular Feengon.
- Tenry, Wrestoro & Wrestmilk: WREST MILK. GET IT? BREAST MILK BECAUSE THIS IS A COW! Oh, Pokemon Quartz, you and your amazing sense of comedy. Tenry is an adorable little pig-cow creature, who evolves into a muscle bound manly minotaur that's 90% head and torso, because that's called stylization, and these muscles will definitely appeal to a certain demographic. Wrestmilk refuses to be bound to any specific gender norm, and has massive bodybuilder muscles and udders under its big cow face! WREST MILK!
- Molebas: Oh man oh man, legendaries, because we all know the best part of a Pokemon game are the legendaries! The Basses here are so creative, with Molebas being a GIANT MOLE MONSTER! With four arms! Clearly an amazing tie-in to Nole, and probably the leader of the Great Mole Man Empire that is going to be in this game and is clearly an integral and oft-requested plotline by the fandom!
- Dugobas: Dugobas is a giant, deformed, floating elephant-bug with vampire fangs, and clearly belongs in a set with the tattooed mole monster. This, my friends, is the solution to the Twilight/Dumbo fanfiction that the fandom has been clamouring for, and one that I totally see being super popular.
- Lapibas: A deformed owl-bunny is the perfect thing to round up the trio of Basses that definitely work on so many levels. I'm not sure why some fans out there complain that a giant mole, a ratty doll and half of a vampiric flying elephant doesn't feel like they belong in a set. Clearly they do!
- Ordkip: One of the mightiest legendaries in the game is Ordkip, who clearly fixes Spritzee's disgusting and unpopular design.It's "ord", you know? Like a corruption of "order"? Oh, this game is going to explore the subtleties and amazingness of the never-before-explored-in-any-fiction-or-fanfiction themes of ORDER and CHAOS, and I definitely am excited that we're finally getting a mature plot that appeals to the adult fans in the audience, you know?
- Tanord: Another legendary forms a pair with Ordkip. It's a giant fish-whale thing with giant wings and a long tail, and will apparently bet retconned to be the TRUE TRUE form of Kyogre, fused with a Mantine, and it will be the badass creature that brings order to the disorderly world! How amazing!
- Kaomare: Meanwhile, on the other side and clearly the coolest shits ever (I nearly had a heart attack when I looked at these, no joke, oh my god) is KAOSUMARE, who is a BLOB WITH TEETH you guys! A lot of angry, looking teeth! Truly, the signs of a Chaos God, and definitely makes everyone else look like a joke. Mewtwo? Pfft. Arceus? Rayquaza? Giratina? Zygarde? Ha! None of them hold a candle to this gigantic, nasty blob of teeth! It's Kaomare, which might not make much sense until you realize that KAO is like CHAOS BUT YOU CHANGE THE C WITH A K, what an amazing subversion, what an amazing concept to explore, CHAOSSSS!
- Kaosune: AAAAA IT HAS KAOS IN ITS NAME, WHICH IS A TOTALLY COOL AND NOT-MORONIC WAY TO SPELL CHAOS I GET SO EXCITED AND THIS IS THE MASCOT POKEMON AND IT'S TOTALLY NOT RAYQUAZA MADE OUT OF ARTS-N-CRAFTS STUFF AAAAA HOW CHAOTIC
- Peezgal: Peezgal is yet another legendary Pokemon, who embodies the third element outside order and chaos, which is peace, as everyone knows! Because the pun here is Peezgal sounds like PEACE GIRL OOOOOOH how creative! She's a lady with long limbs and a pumpkin on her head OOOOOOOH HOW EVERYONE LOVES HUMANOID POKEYMANS
- Karendi: The Mew clone in this game will definitely outshine Mew and all its other clones in its cuteness. Not only is it a furby-koala hybrid with spiky head protrusions, it's also deformed, and we're all about that body horror here! Karendi embodies the fourth constant of the universe after order,
chaoskaos, and peace, which is karen. - Garotao: And the final Pokemon in this brand-new region of Cornina is probably going to be the final Pokemon ever created, because there is NO WAY Nintendo can top the design of this magnificent creature, which really subverts everyone's expectations of the ULTIMATE GOD, even greater than any legendary introduced here or previously or in the future. GAROTAO! Who has a dick for a tail! You know he's powerful when he is allowed to display his schlong for everyone to see, and also looks like the grumpiest fat cat god creature ever, because if Dragon Ball Super has taught us anything, cat gods are popular with the kids, and Garotao just looks twenty-hundred-infinity-times cooler than freaking Beerus! Pfft, honestly, the zenith of all Pokemon glory goes to Garotao!
Man, I really can't wait for the eighth generation. It's going to be AWESOME, especially with the old, inferior designs retconned out of existence and everything! It's going to be an amazing journey
...
APRIL FOOL'S DAY! Well, this took a long, long while to actually write out. Man, Pokemon Quartz is actually a fun lark to make fun off, and if you don't know what Quartz is... check it out. This is an amazing Let's Play of the game, and this wonderful artist has recreated some of the sprites as actual artwork. And it's not just me making fun of the ugly sprites in the game (there are some I legitimately, unironically like, like Guinette, Searoket, that one cute small crown bird and the sheer eldritchness of Weedalgu), but the game itself is such a glorious wreck of mangled English, a plot that makes no sense, and the sheer hilarity of genuinely never knowing what abomination's going to jump out of the next grass... It's a great experience, especially when you're slightly inebriated.
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