Movie Review: Dragon Ball Z - Broly: Second Coming

Dragon Ball Z: Broly: Second Coming [1994]

Yeeeesh, what a bad movie. Ostensibly the sequel to the earlier Broly: The Legendary Super Saiyan, this tenth movie of DBZ is the first to take part in the Buu saga, featuring the cast of that era. And hoooooo boy. 

Broly's first cinematic outing wasn't the best movie out there, but it's good enough and Broly was menacing enough that I understand why he was so beloved by the fanbase. This one? Not so. And honestly, it's not just the titular legendary super saiyan himself that gets mis-handled in this movie, it's... it's honestly the entire movie, really. 

So the movie runs at around 50 minutes, but the first 20 minutes of this movie is wasted on an honestly pointless subplot of Videl, Goten and Trunks just dicking around, searching for dragon balls while helping a village that was menaced by a dinosaur and some hick tried to sacrifice virgin maidens to the dinosaur... or some shit? I dunno, I kind of zoned out on that part of the movie, and it ends up being completely irrelevant to the Broly plot -- what little it is, that is, beyond having Goten cry (because Videl doesn't want to give him an apple) and wake Broly up from his hibernation. And, well, remember how stupid Broly's motivations being disturbed by baby Goku's crying? Yeah, it's infinitely more stupid here.

Goten and Trunks' antics here are absolutely shit and annoying, and I'm not sure if it's the dub's fault because while I've never liked the kid versions of these two, my experiences with them in Fusion Reborn and Wrath of the Dragon was a lot more positive. Here, I'm rooting for Broly to squish their tiny, annoying, obnoxious heads in. Videl's not that well-written either, mind you, being pretty flat throughout the movie. I did say in my previous movies that I appreciate movies that focus on other characters, and I liked how Bojack Unbound focused on Gohan, while Wrath of the Dragon focused on Kid Trunks... but here it's just mindless, dumb antic that doesn't have any charm at all. 

And then Broly wakes up and the whole village subplot becomes entirely irrelevant, but where Broly is a slowly built-up threat in the first movie, here he... fails to hurt or damage non-Super-Saiyan Goten and Trunks (this was before they got super-powerful either). Hell, even Videl didn't come out of the battle with any more injuries than a bit of scratches. Throw in some silliness with Trunks pissing on Broly's head (no, really) and the fight with Broly ends up going from "most powerful and unstoppable demon of a Saiyan" to honestly being pretty unimpressive.

Broly himself still just grunts and shouts Kakarot a lot, which makes even less sense when it's established that Goku's dead in this time period. And how did he survive anyway? Or even get into a space pod? It makes even less sense than Cooler's brain traveling to the Big Gete Star. Having the 'lol find a missing dragon ball' bullshit subplot (which also involves Goten pissing on the ground) is also likewise unimpressively long and drearily annoying. SSJ2 Gohan then shows up and fights Broly, and... okay, that scene with the lava was at least somewhat cool. Gohan gets rescued from exhaustion and being consumed by lava by not-Piccolo-it's-actually-Krillin. Was... was there any real reason for Piccolo not to show up at this point in time? I don't really think so.

And then Broly pops back up, whacks Krillin aside, and shoots blasts that still fail to hurt anyone in a meaningful way, before getting beaten by Goten accidentally wishing Goku to be 'there' for a while (i.e. the duration of a Kamehameha) and... why didn't the balls work earlier in the fountains? And Broly gets shot straight into the sun and gets burned up. The imagery of the family Kamehameha is pretty neat, but it definitely does nothing to really fix any of the drivel that this movie delivers. It goes from a very irritating and pointless and joyless subplot with three of the franchise's more annoying characters at their worst, and Broly is reduced to an even more boring version of his already not-particularly-spectacular personality. I can easily say with utter conviction that this is my most hated DBZ movie, and by a long, long shot. 

Avengers Earth's Mightiest Heroes S01E21 Review: The Hydra-AIM War

Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Season 1, Episode 21: Hail Hydra

Well, this is certainly an interesting episode! After the last episode being more of a filler and a respite to heavier episodes, this one goes straight into addressing two of the plotlines that have ran across the first season of Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Black Widow's ping-ponging allegiance, as well as Hydra as an organization. And with the main plotlines that we seem to be building up to being either Kree/Skrull space war stuff or mystical Asgardian science, it's neat that we do get an episode to tie up all the loose ends regarding Hydra. The episode starts off with the reintroduction of the Black Widow -- an unpredictable many-enemy for our heroes, but one that the audience knows is probably on the side of the angels. And the Black Widow tells our heroes that, yes, she is a deep-cover double agent, and that she can't contact Nick Fury, the only person who knows about her mission. It's kind of convenient, of course, but at the same time she did save Hawkeye's life a couple of episodes ago.  

And the reason she's coming to the Avengers is that apparently Hydra and AIM are fighting over the Cosmic Cube -- a device that can apparently rewrite reality to be transformed as its wielder wishes? Just... just how did MODOK manage to do that, and why hasn't he used it to wipe Hydra before they can bother him? We'll just brush it aside, I suppose, because the Cosmic Cube's really just a plot device to be fought over, and we are treated to a fun bit where Hydra's giant skull-tentacle robots are fighting against AIM and their black hole cannons. The Avengers swoop in and join as a third faction, with some really fun action scenes here and there. MODOK is always fun, in any case.

The complicated situation ends up being even more complicated when SHIELD shows up, with Maria Hill being the far-more-unreasonable SHIELD director that replaces Nick Fury, basically trying to arrest the Avengers for no real reason other than to be antagonistic. As Iron Man points out -- it's pretty goddamn stupid of her to do so right in the middle of the Avengers trying to stop two terrorist organizations shooting weapons of mass destruction at each other. The concept of Maria Hill being far more no-nonsense and not having time for superheroes is definitely great, but the execution turns her into feeling needlessly antagonistic and also pretty stupid, and I'm not the biggest fan of her portrayal in this episode -- especially after multiple times of Iron Man trying to offer friendship and SHIELD clearly being insanely outgunned. I mean, yeah, we're getting some obvious "registration" stuff which may be building to a more comics-faithful Civil War storyline, but the way it's handled here is actually pretty clumsy. 

And, of course, Hawkeye ends up doing a pretty damn cool trick-shot, shooting Ant-Man on an arrow from halfway across the city so he can reach the location of the Cosmic Cube, resulting in a pretty badass moment where Ant-Man socks Baron Strucker as he's reaching out for the Cube. We get a pretty cool battle between Captain America and Baron Strucker, and just like the battle between Captain and Zemo, the weight of history can be felt between these two. Black Widow gets a brief moment of "I quit" defiance against Strucker, but it's mostly the Captain America show, and the two of them end up touching the Cube at the same time, seemingly nothing happens.

With SHIELD towing away MODOK, Strucker and all of Hydra and AIM, we get one last parting shot between Maria Hill and Stark, which, again... not very well-delivered and making Maria Hill come off as a gigantic moron considering how very close SHIELD actually came to fucking everything up. We get a neat bit of farewell between Hawkeye and Black Widow. The two of them have put their little spat behind them once everything's cleared out, but now Black Widow isn't trusted by SHIELD with Fury missing, leading to a bittersweet farewell as Black Widow goes on the run. It's a great ending for the Black Widow/Hawkeye story, if nothing else. 

Oh, and apparently the whole point of introducing such an insane gamebreaking plot device like the Cosmic Cube? It's just so that Captain America can touch it, seemingly wish that nothing has changed, but apparently it reached out to 1945 and rewrote history that Bucky survived the goddamn crash. I feel that there is a far, far better way to incorporate either a reality-warping plot device or Bucky's survival, but eh. It doesn't really bother me all that much, and other than the two quibbles about Maria Hill and the Cosmic Cube, it's a pretty damn fine episode, really. 

Kaiji S02E10 Review: Ultimate Pachinko

Kaiji, Season 2, Episode 10: Applause, and then...

Episode 10 basically has Sakazaki give this huge, huge introdump about how the Ultimate Pachinko machine is going to give a fuck-ton of payout, but it's near impossible and the balls cost extremely expensive. And the only two people to have gotten a payout out of the Bog in the last ten years are Tonegawa and Hyoudou himself, which makes Kaiji sort of note the sheer insanity of fate for putting him in another Teiai Group gambling corner.

And, credit where credit's due, Kaiji immediately dismisses the idea of winning a rigged machine outright. But Sakazaki brings Kaiji to his home, gives his motivation (a generic 'I need my family back' motivation, but it's there) and apparently the man's pretty obsessed with the Bog, having spent a couple of million yens just to get a replica of the Bog as well as a pin maintenance schedule from an inside man. Suspiciously, though, despite all his talk about having a man on the inside, he wants Kaiji to act as his accomplice, quickly hinting that something's not quite right. Either Sakazaki himself's not on the up-and-up, or he himself is being duped.

It does mean that Kaiji doesn't actually have to risk his money, which is interesting -- Kaiji asks for a 10% of the potential winnings to help clear out the rest of the Forty Fivers' debts. Sakazaki himself goes half-crazy through the night, because he apparently figured out the combination to his boss's safe, and has 'borrowed' 20 million yen in order to act as additional funds in their little event. The episode ends with Kaiji and Sakazaki entering the casino, and it's... interesting, for sure. It's a different setup where Kaiji fully attempts to gamble a pre-established system. We've seen Kaiji plan to cheat before in the final arc where he fights Hyoudou, but that felt more spontaneous than anything. This is them straight-up deciding to fuck with the system. Not a bad setup for sure.

Marvel's Cloak and Dagger S01E04 Review: They Finally Talk

Marvel's Cloak and Dagger, Season 1, Episode 4: Call/Response

So I made a brief mistake in my review of the previous episode -- it appears that Tandy's emotional powers doesn't show you your greatest fears (that's exclusive to Tyrone), but apparently your greatest hope... and the fact that Tyrone's hope is, as described by this episode, 'suicide by cop', it adds a huge layer of disturbing bit into Tyrone's mental state. 

The episode is framed somewhat weirdly, with the episode cutting back and forth between the conversation and exploration of Tandy and Tyrone's powers and backstories, as well as the 'morning after' where they decide to do something about their respective situations. For the sake of my sanity, I'll be reviewing the scenes respectively. The actual conversation between Tandy and Tyrone is easily my favourite scenes in this episode, showing really well how much the actors can act, and how they manage to find common ground thanks to their shared magic visions and weird super-powers. Having the other person know your deepest darkest fear is definitely something that brings the two together, and we get to explore the two characters more. Tandy notes how weird that Tyrone hasn't told his supposed girlfriend about his powers, and Tyrone basically tells Tandy to 'fight back' and stop running. 

But the final scenes show an argument about Tandy's past attempt at suicide, and Tyrone being angry that Tandy is flaunting her privilege, while Tandy herself is pissed that Tyrone doesn't think having living parents and stable privilege is something to be thankful about. As with any discussion IRL about privilege and racism, it turns out to a shouting match of who's more pitiable. It basically leads to an argument where Tandy tells Tyrone that his greatest hope is to die. It's an ugly argument, but one that makes me actually care for these two characters. So good on the show-writers on that. Yes, it's another case of "they meet each other and push each other away", but at least this time it's because of an actual emotional conflict and feels important, unlike the previous couple of episodes. 

The 'day after' stories feel a bit more perfunctory and feels like they're going through the motions. Tyrone learns to be a bit more sneaky and tries to build up this framed story where his bike was 'stolen' in order to get inside the police station... but ends up chickening out. He ends up being confronted by his dad, after a bizarrely long sequence of his disapproving dad bringing him to the community he grew up in, and Tyrone finding the cloak that Billy once made. I felt like the introduction of this Wild Redhawks community was shoehorned in pretty randomly, though, as I didn't really feel the connection between "Tyrone's dad suspects he's stealing stuff" to "Tyrone's dad wants to bring Tyrone to see his roots/community/people". 

Meanwhile, Tandy's story is kinda more interesting, but at the same time it's very, very obvious. We learn that Tandy's mom's lawyer boyfriend is actually a decent guy and not just someone who wants to scam them out of their money... although Tandy wouldn't have given the dude a second chance if she hadn't used her dream-seeing powers to see that Greg is actually legit. Of course, Tandy befriends Greg as they dig into Roxxon's conspiracies and shit. It's actually a neat little story that's self-contained within this episode as the two befriend each other; Tandy's mom pushes Greg away... and then Tandy arrives at Greg's office just to see him get shot in the head and his office burnt. As an extra gut-punch, Tandy comes back to hear her mom desperately calling Greg and apologizing for breaking up with him, not realizing Greg is dead. 

So we have actual 'big' villains now for Tandy beyond the hospitalized attempted rapist, I guess -- the huge, huge Roxxon company that's trying to keep everything hush-hush. 

The final scenes of the episode is... it's kinda weird, but okay? Tandy tries to kill herself by jumping into the river, but her daggers of light manifests, and she then goes to re-investigate Greg's stuff. Meanwhile, Tyrone... goes back to the police station? Eh. Overall, this is easily the best episode of Cloak and Dagger so far, and the first to make me really care about these characters as actual characters and not just a bunch of plot devices. Not a bad episode at all. 

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure S02E23-24 Review: Final Tarot

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Stardust Crusaders, Episodes 23-24: High Priestess

We've reached the halfway point of Stardust Crusaders, and the subsequent episodes are all titled the "Battle of Egypt", released after a half-year hiatus or something along those lines. In either case, we've run out of Tarot cards (or, well, we're saving two more -- one is Dio's and another one belongs to a main party member we'll meet next episode), leading to the final Tarot-themed Stand, High Priestess. Overall, we've gone through 24 episodes and a huge chunk of it is just kind of fighting. That's really the biggest criticism anyone can give about Crusaders -- its pacing, especially in its first half, is just action scene followed by action scene followed by a couple of jokes followed by more action scenes.

Very few character development really happened or stuck, and a lot of the episode setup isn't really the best. And we still have another 20+ episodes to go before Crusader's end. And honestly, a good part of why the pacing of Crusaders feels off is partly due to its own setup. We establish early on how Holly is dying, how the oh-so-evil Dio Brando has returned and is behind everything, including the endless army of enemies sent their way... but then we spend some episodes where our heroes decide to take a camel, or to find some exotic country and have a brief bit of tourism... the sense of urgency and the actual pace taken by individual episodes and arcs don't really feel like they fit together. It's something that's actually avoided by most other Parts of JJBA, with them employing multiple antagonists, or to have the main antagonist not actually aware of our protagonists until halfway through the Part -- something executed particularly well in Parts 2, 4, 6 and 7.

And the reason why I'm having this brief recap is, well, a good chunk of the second part also ended in a relatively long recap of all of their enemies and fights, and I honestly don't think all of them are necessary. It's a necessary evil because JJBA is a serialized manga, and also they had to sort of finish all of the Tarot motif... but it does make a relatively huge chunk of this half-season pretty repetitive. And as much as I enjoy the cast of Stardust Crusaders, they do kind of... don't really develop all that much, yeah? It's something that subsequent Parts will at least try to fix, at least a little. JJBA is a series that's all about the action scenes first and foremost, after all. 

Anyway, other than the novelty of fighting in a submarine, and later underwater, "High Priestess" is actually a bit of a letdown as far as action segments go. It starts off somewhat promising, with the introduction that High Priestess is apparently well-renowned for being a long-distance stand that's able to transform into anything inorganic -- first disguising itself as a mug, then later as parts of the submarine's interior, and even one point disguising itself as Polnareff's rebreather. But for a Stand that can supposedly transform into anything, it's even more grossly inefficient, taking its time to become a harpoon gun that reloads slowly, and not trying to do anything actually lethal when it had the chance to do so to Joseph (as the cup, merely slicing off Joseph's arm) or Polnareff (she was halfway down his throat). Moreover, High Priestess's real durability also seems particularly inconsistent. Throughout her scuttling around in her smaller form, she can apparently withstand practically anything our heroes' Stand throw at her, but when she's large and apparently more powerful, Jotaro just... punches through her teeth and defeats her? I dunno. Add the "Jotaro tries to flatter Midler scene, which just plain doesn't work, and the entire two parter is honestly pretty underwhelming. It's a bit of a shame, really. 

We did get a fun moment where Polnareff dicks around with sign language, making up "I can see your panties" with sign language, the normally-serious Kakyoin getting it, and then the two of them spending an entire scene making a fun little bro-handshake. That is adorable.

(Also, we get an "OH MY GOD" not just from Joseph, but at one point from Polnareff when Joseph's knocked out.)

Honestly, the most interesting segments of this episode, I feel, are the phone calls to Suzie Q, Joseph's wife, which helps to remind us the stakes and what Joseph and Jotaro is fighting for. It's a fun little conversation, and the anime expands a lot on the otherwise-short conversation. I'm pretty sure the scenes after the recap, with Dio and Geb killing the random Speedwagon spy, is also original to the anime.

And, honestly? I think that more than anything, this two-parter could've been a single episode. Between the recap, the added scenes (which are nice but ultimately unnecessary), and a whole lot of shots of the pretty ocean, it's not like there's a lot of things that actually really happen here. A pretty slow two-parter and a pretty bland antagonist, honestly.

Anyway, to allow me to catch my breath a little, I'm going to take a brief break from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure for around a month or so. In the meantime, enjoy some Kaiji. 

The JoJo Playlist:

• Midler borrows her name from Bette Midler, an actress and a singer, most famously known for her single Wind Beneath My Wings.

Kaiji S02E09 Review: Man-Eating Machine

Kaiji, Season 2, Episode 9: Retribution; Episode 10: Applause, and then...

Episode 9 is just a little tie-up of Otsuki's fall and utter despair as he is completely cleaned out of all the money he's made from cheating people in the gambling nights. Tonegawa's replacement, Yoshishiro, who we briefly saw earlier this season, shows up to enforce the rules and noting that, yes, Kaiji is the one in the right. We also get the explanation as to where Kaiji got that die -- he carved them out of the remnants of the T-Bone steaks that Otsuki eats, and painted the dots with his own blood. Otsuki is forced to roll, with the pretty cruel talk about how if he uses normal dice, at least  he gets the chance of drawing the triple snake-eyes. And we get a pretty satisfying montage of the Forty-Fivers rolling the snake eyes and absolutely win.

We get a scene of Kaiji talking to Yoshishiro, basically being upfront with asking if he's going to nullify all their blood and sweat by annulling the pass. Yoshishiro finds it kinda funny and makes an exception for 'leaving in the first year' for Kaiji. Interestingly, the Forty-fivers decide to pool all their winnings with Kaiji because they recognize Kaiji as a good man for refusing to take a bigger cut, and knows that he's going to find a way to get them their money back.

And then Kaiji's back in the real world for a while, although apparently the Teiai Group has enough resources to have men in black shadow these debtors. Man, the Teiai Group are really sadists, huh? I wouldn't think that it's particularly cost-effective for them to actually spend so much resources to keep track of manual labourers. We get a scene where Kaiji scares a bunch of thieves with his rejoined fingers... and that's a bit of a "what" moment from me. The scars aren't even that visible! Is this censored in some way from the manga that Kaiji is adapted from? Did Kaiji actually have finger stumps or something?

Whatever the case, though, after realizing that none of the casinos around are going to have the big jackpot payout he wants, Kaiji ends up meeting a random old man, Sakazaki Koutarou (a.k.a. the monk dude from the opening), who brings him into an illegal gambling den. A bit too convenient, but hey, video game logic! And episode 9 ends with a huge shot of the "Man-Eating Bog", the ultimate pachinko machine.

Gotta Review 'Em All, Part #31: Rowlet to Oricorio (ft. Alolan Forms)

In this particular section, we'll be entering the seventh generation and we'll start it by reviewing the Alolan forms. Or, as it's properly called, 'Regional Variants'. Playing off the whole fact that the region is set in the far-away islands of Alola (based on real-life Hawaii), the Alolan forms are supposed to represent a group of Pokemon, currently only those from the first generation, who have transformed due to the different habitat to the extent that they have visually distinct external appearances and even typings. What's particularly interesting is that for the most part, these changes are explained by the fact that the species would have to adapt to some factor on the Alolan islands that end up causing them to thrive, yet are still noticeably the same species, still being able to interbreed and produce young of the same species with those of its kind. 

It's taking the whole 'they're different depending where you catch them' visual changes deal with some previous Pokemon species like Vivillon and Gastrodon where only visual changes happen to a whole new degree, as these regional variants cannot actually transform back-and-forth with their regular forms, unlike most form changes in Pokemon. It's a fascinating feature and one that I really wish would return in subsequent generations as we move to different locales. 


After that, we'll start off with the new evolutionary families introduced in the seventh generation, where we hop over to the region of Alola, a set of four islands based on real-life Hawai'i. Pokemon Sun & Moon and their sequels, Ultra Sun & Ultra Moon, are the second games to be released on the 3DS, In addition to the Alola forms (which we've already covered) and a new subtype of Pokemon known as Ultra Beasts (which we'll cover later on), the seventh generation also introduces Z-Moves, a final limit-break style move that can only be used one time in a full set of battles, essentially the move equivalent to Mega Evolutions. The seventh generation did a great job at combining both the tropical paradise feel of Alola and the plot, which takes an unexpectedly dark turn with the introduction of the Ultra Beasts, eldritch other-worldly monsters from another dimension. But, well... for this week, we'll just talk mostly about the fun happy tropical stuff.

Click here for the previous part. 

Click here for the next part.

Click here for the index.

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#019-020: Rattata & Raticate

• Types: Dark/Normal [both]
• Japanese Name: Koratta, Ratta
• Category: Mouse [both]

Alolan Rattata and Raticate look far more rat-like with their black fur and their dark brown underbellies,  and while I do like regular Rattata's shark whiskers better, I do find Alolan Rattata's mustache-esque whiskers to be equally hilarious. These rats have became Dark/Normal Pokemon, too, and apparently the region of Alola is so different in temperature and climate from the Japan-based regions, Kalos or Unova that Rattata have, over time, evolved into becoming these darker-skinned Dark-types. There's a neat little backstory where the Rattatas were massive pests in Alola, until Yungoos were imported as a control measure, and it's apparently this introduction of a predatory species that caused the Rattatas to have to adapt and alter its habits, becoming strictly nocturnal to avoid the diurnal Yungoos, and form large mafia-like nests led by boss Raticates. This reflects how the Polynesian rats and other types of rats that stowed on board ships into Hawaii ended up being huge pests and then they imported mongooses over to curb the rat population.

Unfortunately, Alolan Raticate is... less than stellar. I really like the bigger, fatter body, but the gigantic cheek pouches look way too weird and feel like they could've been implemented better. Of course, it does work with the lore of Alolan Raticate being this mob-boss esque head honcho of Rattata nests by managing stockpiles of fresh food in their lairs constantly gathered by their Rattata minions, and only the freshest of fresh food will be eaten by Raticate. It's definitely an unexpected design choice of making this fat rat a gourmet, but I don't mind it that much. Overall, I don't like Alolan Raticate that much, but on the same token I've warmed up to it enough not to hate it.

 4/6 as a set. 

#026: Raichu

• Types: Electric/Psychic
• Japanese Name: Raichu
• Category: Mouse

So while Pikachu didn't receive much attention in the seventh generation beyond getting an exclusive event-only variant wearing Ash Ketchum's hat, Raichu unexpectedly got a brand-new Alolan form. Not Pikachu, but just Raichu! And... and I'm sadly not that big of a fan on Alolan Raichu. I get that they're going for a more tanned surfer dude, because Alolan Raichu's an Electric/Psychic Pokemon whose giant whip-tail has evolved into a psychic surfboard, but the general puffy look of Raichu's ears and tail really make me not like it as much as I thought I would. I guess I just find regular Raichu a wee bit too badass? It's interesting how in the Pikachu, Exeggcute and Cubone lines, only their evolved state transform into their Alolan variants in Alola, whereas if you evolve the same Pokemon in other regions, they will still transform into their normal, regular evolutions. Alolan Raichu's an okay concept, I suppose, a callback to the event 'Surfing Pikachu' from back in the day, as well as embodying the surfing subculture in Hawaii (apparently Alolan Raichus are even called 'hodads' in-universe). Apparently, the Alolan population's handwave for Raichu's appearance is that they 'ate too many pancakes'. Okay, then? Alolan Raichu's definitely not my thing, but I respect that it exists and I like that they gave Raichu some much-deserved attention. How in the hell did Raichu miss out on the mega evolution train, anyway?

 3/6.

#027-028: Sandshrew & Sandslash

• Types: Ice/Steel [both]
• Japanese Names: Sando, Sandopan
• Category: Mouse [both]

In Alola, apparently the Sandshrew and Sandslash population have migrated from the sandy regions of the land into the icy mountains, apparently driven away by volcanic activity. Okay? They've diverged into their Alolan forms, turning them into Ice/Steel types, which is... pretty divergent, really, and also makes their names kind of a misnomer. It's not even an English-only thing like Mr. Mime either, because Sandshrew and Sandslash's Japanese name are "Sand" and "Sandpan". Eh. Either way, it's a very interesting design. Sandshrew essentially swaps out his normal pangolin brown for traditional ice colours, but now he head and body is shaped like an igloo, and the substance around his igloo shell is apparently made out of steel... with the tradeoff that it can't roll itself up into a ball like its regular counterpart. Apparently Sandshrews move around by sliding on their belly, causing the Alolan people to have a festival where they slide Sandshrews down icy slopes. I like ice Sandshrew a lot! He's cute.

As usual, Sandshrew evolves into Sandslash, but not by leveling up, but rather by a brand-new stone called the 'Ice Stone'. And while I am a bit sad that Alolan Sandslash drops the igloo deal, they took the already badass-looking Sandslash and turned him into an even cooler motherfucker. Alolan Sandslash's spines are made up of actual ice spikes, and one is even integrated into his head! And look at those giant hooked arm-claws, and how large the lower arms are! And those mean-looking hooked toes! I'm just slightly sad that the claws aren't more apparently metal, which I thought is a bit of a missed opportunity, but man, this thing is pretty damn cool.  Apparently it is able to dig its way through snow-covered plains at high speeds by hacking at snow with its claws. Neat! There's not much else to say about Alolan Sandslash beyond "shit, this is cool".

 5/6.

#037-038: Vulpix & Ninetales

• Types: Ice [Vulpix], Ice/Fairy [Ninetales]
• Japanese Names: Rokon, Kyukon
• Category: Fox [both]

So the Alolan variants that are ice-themed doesn't stop there, because there's a whole ice mountain to fill. Vulpix and Sandshrew end up being version counterparts, with the Vulpix population being Sun-exclusive, and the Sandshrews being Moon-exclusive. Alolan Vulpix is an adorable, pure-ice snow fox whose head-fur and tail-fur now look like they've been sculpted out of snow. Vulpix is already pretty damn cute, but doing the same design out of ice is just adorable. Apparently the old people of Alola call Vulpix by another name, "Keokeo", which is Hawaiian for a certain genus of white Hibiscus flower. Neat! The dex entries also describe Vulpixes as being pack predators that freeze their prey to death, which is surprisingly violent for such cute fox babies. I really do like Vulpix, and while I think regular Vulpix looks a bit better, I've grown to really like the Alolan variant as well, especially thanks to a sub-quest in Ultra Sun/Ultra Moon where you help a wild Alolan Vulpix to slowly recover and trust humans.

Vulpix evolves into Ninetales via the Ice Stone as well, but this Ninetales isn't just pure Ice... it's Ice/Fairy, playing into the kitsune's whole deal of being a mysterious yokai. I really love how Ninetales is drawn to be somewhat ephemeral,  with the tips of its tails and head-furs and legs seeming to fade into white. Apparently the Alolan Ninetales was once worshiped as a deity before people realized that, hey, it's a regional variant of your common Ninetales. It's also a kind fox fairy, unlike the angry, grumpy, curse-happy regular Ninetales, because while other Ice-types lead people astray in mountains, Alolan Ninetales will help lost travelers out of blizzards and mountains. Not because of any altruism, no. It's just because Alolan Ninetales wants you dang humans to fuck off and leave their homes, which I thought is hilarious. Overall, Vulpix and Ninetales are really cool already, but these two ice-based variants really end up being a very neat twist on a very familiar design, and honestly it's something that the Alolan forms should theoretically be -- not an improvement, but an appealing variation.

 5/6. 

#050-051: Diglett & Dugtrio

• Types: Ground/Steel [both]
• Japanese Names: Diguda, Dagutorio
• Category: Mole [both]

Yeah, these two are some of the most divisive Alolan forms. Raticate and Persian have their huge detractors (and it's really subjective, but I dislike Persian a lot more than these two) but I can see where the complaints come from. See, Diglett and Dugtrio, in Alola, are not pure-Ground, but rather Ground/Steel. And, well, they have hair thanks to their habitat, which is close to volcanoes, giving them hair based on the natural phenomenon Pele's Hair, which are thin, hair-like volcanic glass formed by Hawaii's volcanoes. Alolan Diglett and Dugtrio swaps out the colour of the soil they pop out from, and attaches these Pele's Hair onto them. For Diglett, it's just a couple of wisps of hair, but the three Dugtrio heads get entire Beatles-esque hairdos. And... and as hilarious as these two are, I do also admit that for such a minimal-effort design, and due to the sheer lack of Alolan forms in the seventh-generation games, maybe they could've done a bit more? I also really wished that they made the Pele's Hair deal a bit more prominent, but at the same time I do appreciate the minimalism of them just literally being hair.

Apparently Alolan Diglett's hair function similarly to whiskers of a real mole, being used to sense around it and communicate. Alolan Dugtrios are, well, far more gloriously luxurious with their fancy band hair, and while at the same time I want to be angry at how ridiculously dumb this looks, I also end up liking how ridiculously dumb Alolan Dugtrio looks. The pokedex notes that Alolan Dugtrio is often worshiped by ancient Alolan people as a female land deities, a reference to, y'know, Pele herself, the Hawaiian deity of volcanoes and fertility. I don't mind either of these, and after the initial shock at seeing the designs, I've grown to appreciate them and, hell, respect the fact that these speedy Ground/Steel types can catch you unawares with how fast and durable they are. I've always known that Dugtrio are fast, but the Alolan variants have the ability to actually tangle their opponents up with their hair, reducing their speed. I can see why people don't like these two, and maybe I would've liked it more if it's a situation like Marowak or Raichu where only Alolan Dugtrio exists... but on the other hand, what's done is done and I, for one, have always found Alolan Dugtrio more hilarious than dumb.

 3/6. I feel like I'm neutral about a fair amount of the Alolan forms? They're neat and pleasing, but not all of them struck a chord with me. That's the curse of having something to compare them to, though. 

#052-053: Meowth & Persian

• Types: Dark [both]
• Japanese Names: Nyasu, Perushian
• Category: Scratch Cat [Meowth]; Classy Cat [Persian]

Feels strange, doesn't it, that Meowth gets an Alola form and Pikachu doesn't? Meowth gets one of the sassiest looking artwork ever, reimagined not as a chunky kitty but as the sassiest thing you've ever seen, and the design is mostly the same. Very neat what a pair of different eyes, a different main colouration and slightly different-looking whiskers will do. Alolan Meowth is a cat that was gifted to Alolan royalty, and it ends up being a selfish, prideful and cunning cat. And when the Alolan monarchy fell, the royal cats end up going wild and becoming wild cats all over Alola. Oh, and since these cats are assholes, Alolan Meowth's Dark-type. Makes sense! Honestly, it's pretty awesome and appropriate, and Alolan Meowth as a royal housepet that has turned into an invasive species is definitely something that's true whenever humans selfishly bring their housecats and dogs along to new locations. They're like these fallen royals, very catty and generally a gigantic selfish ass -- which is what a cat is, really. And, well, I actually like Alolan Meowth's design quite a bit. It has personality, even if it's not for me.

We'll mark Meowth separately, because it's a genuinely fun design, and even if it's not quite my thing, Meowth gets a score of 4/5.

 5/6.

Sadly, the fandom, myself included was collectively disappointed by Alolan Persian. I tend to try and find positives in designs that the fandom hates, and while I can defend the likes of Garbodor or Vanilluxe or Mr. Mime, I... I have nothing positive to say about Alolan Persian beyond "lookit dis ugly motherfucker". Like, jeez. I don't mind the occasional subversion of expectations. I wouldn't mind getting a properly-drawn Purugly, turning this pampered cat into a big, fat Garfield-style pampered cat... if they actually went with it. Instead, they took regular Persian's lithe body and staple-gunned this ugly-looking circular, deformed head onto the body. It's so lazy, it's so dumb-looking, and it's easily one of the worst designs in Pokemon. I genuinely believed that it's fake when it first leaked, and honestly? Look at this thing. It's just so goddamn ugly. Of course, Alolan people like Persians with fatter, rounder faces, because apparently Alolan people have no taste.

Apparently, Alolan Persian is based on the British Shorthair, a breed that is well-known for its large, rounded head, but in no way does the British Shorthair look anything as hideously deformed like Alolan Persian. This ugly-ass cat is easily my least favourite design of the seventh generation by a far, far margin, and could easily rank right up there with Bouffalant as my absolute least favourite Pokemon out there. Like, they could've at least drawn Persian moderately well. I dunno. I tend to like goofy-looking designs, but Persian just looks so poorly drawn more than just goofy or derpy. 

 0/6.

#074-076: Geodude, Graveler & Golem

• Types: Rock/Electric [all three]
• Japanese Names: Ishitsubute, Goron, Goronya
• Categories: Rock [Geodude, Graveler]; Megaton [Golem]

With that unpleasantness out of the way... we've got Geodude, Graveler and Golem with Alola forms, and these are definitely surprising. They turn from Rock/Ground into Rock/Electric of all things, being, at the moment, the only Rock/Electric types in the entire game, and being based on magnetic stones as opposed to regular stones. Apparently this causes Alolan Geodudes to attract iron sand like Probopass, but where Probopass gets a mustache, Alolan Geodude gets glorious-looking eyebrows and a bunch of ugly hair. It's a neat little design, and I do appreciate that the main body is somewhat different looking. In the games, after knocking out a Geodude, the magnetism fails and its hair actually falls off and that's sad and adorable at the same time. Whereas you would trip and fall on your face with regular Geodude, with Alolan Geodude, they will headbutt you and thundershock you. Jackasses.

Alolan Graveler is essentially similar to normal Graveler, but way, way uglier. The eyebrows are still cool, but where the 'hair' on Geodude at least looks meaningful, on Graveler they're assigned as weird muttonchops and arm-hair, and we've got random golden deposits all over Graveler's body. As it was with Heatran, this just looks like a dog shat over Graveler when he was sleeping and now he didn't quite get a clean enough bath from that experience. Apparently these form when Gravelers eat the mineral dravite? Graveler's definitely a pretty lazy design for a redesign, and feels more like a weird first draft more than anything. Not a big fan of this one.

 1/6 for both Geodude and Graveler.

Golem's a lot more drastic of a departure. His arms have shrunken down and retracted into his body, and he's got basically the hair that many old people in anime have, with a giant bushy beard and a balding forehead. Oh, and he's got a goddamn magnet-railgun on his back, and Golem's ammunition? Geodudes, apparently, when it can't find boulders to charge with electricity and cannon-blast at its opponents. I really want to like Golem, I really do. The railgun aspect is cool, but I do find his overall design to be a bit too cluttered and its limbs way too weird to be functional like a proper living being. It's at least semi-pleasing in 3D form, where the rock in the middle of the railgun can actually be launched and the railgun glows... but still a huge m'eh from me. 

Overall, while the concept isn't bad per se, the actual execution of combining the whole concept with the rock/boulder turtle monster that Golem is going for, and throwing in the Heihachi beard, and then throwing in the giant railgun cannon, and the magnetism... that's clutter not just in visual design, but in themes as well. I don't hate these guys, but I was never as enamoured with them once the novelty of their wacky typing has worn off, and while I don't mind Geodude, I always think that Golem and especially Graveler could've used some revisions.

 3/6 for Golem. 

#088-089: Grimer & Muk

• Types: Poison/Dark [both]
• Japanese Names: Betobeta, Betobeton
• Categories: Sludge [both]

AW YES. I didn't really think much of Grimer. Yeah, it's Poison/Dark now. It's neat. It's also green, which is a lot grosser but rather appropriate for a sludge goop monster to have, and I love the goofy bucktooth, but what's going on with that weird lime-yellow lipstick drooling all over Grimer's lower lips? But I ended up using one in my Ultra Moon playthrough and I LOVED her. See, the backstory for Grimers in Alola is also very amazing. Apparently, they are imported to solve a problem, unlike what you think Grimers would be. See, Grimers are imported to feed on Alola's garbage, heavily implied to include the Trubbish population, which they do with gusto. Grimer's been transformed from a walking heap of toxic waste into something that cleans up other forms of waste, which I found to be pretty dang cool. Apparently it eats all the trash, and the toxins accumulate and crystallize to form its teeth, which it then uses to administer poisons onto its enemies. This causes Grimer to end up being actually quite clean (teeth aside), making it associated strongly with janitors and cleaners in Alola. Which is really weird that it's the 'nice' Grimers that ended up being given the Dark-type, but Poison/Dark is always really cool and I love it.

Grimer evolves into the gloriously colourful Muk, who ditches its regular counterpart's single-colour scheme, and ends up looking very distinct from Grimer. It's got teeth now! In sharp, edged crystals all over its body, and best of all, it's coloured like a spilled Baskin-Robbins cup. It's shocking pink, drab-green and neon yellow, with each 'layer' of colours bordered by a line of blue. Words can't express how glorious Muk looks, because those colours aren't actually static in the game. Look at this, and notice how the yellow, green and pink parts actually rotate up and down, while the blue bits stay the same. It's something that takes full advantage of the constantly-animated 3D sprites, and the design would look so much sillier if it stood still like the artwork. I'm already a big fan of Grimer and Muk, but make them look gloriously colourful, give them a great backstory and typing, and... my god, I didn't expect to love Muk the way I did after ending my playthrough of Ultra Moon, but it's swiftly shot up as one of my favourite Alolan forms and designs in the seventh generation in general.

And Alolan Muk's colours are definitely a reference to the spectrum formed after an oil spill, probably pretty relevant to the setting considering that Alola's based on a tropical island chain. Again, though, Muk behaves more as a benign eater of garbage, dutifully performing the roles that bacteria and fungi thanklessly do for us -- digest all our garbage  and cause things to rot. Alolan Muk just looks fifteen thousand more times more gorgeous and fabulous than real-life bacteria. Alolan Muk's also "unexpectedly quiet and friendly", too, but you have to keep it on a diet of trash, something I absolutely adore. Don't feed it trash, and it ends up being angry like a pissed-off dog, and it will fuck up your own furniture, turning those into trash. That it then eats. Oh, Muk, you bad boy! Oh, and sometimes it accidentally sheds those poisonous 'tooth', which is such a weird way to explain how a trash-eating being like Muk excretes the poisons it eats. And honestly? It's a design that ends up having a fair amount of thought put into it, a great upgrade to a bunch of monsters that are piles-of-sludge, expanding upon the theme while not adding that much beyond a bunch of teeth and a neat colour scheme.

 6/6.

#103: Exeggutor

• Types: Grass/Dragon
• Japanese Name: Nasshi
• Category: Coconut

It's just Exeggutor that gets an Alolan forms, whereas Exeggcutes are the same everywhere. The thing about Alolan Exeggutor is that it's actually something that's foreshadowed since 1996, with some of the earlier dex entries noting that Exeggutors grew taller in the tropics. We just never quite realized how tall. Hell, an Exeggutor with the proportions of a coconut tree is even featured in the box set of an old TCG artwork, and maybe Exeggutor was originally meant to be a lot taller and less stockier?

Thanks to the climate of Alola, though, Exeggutors are apparently able to grow properly, in what is thought to be the 'pure' form of Exeggutor, and I absolutely loved it when they revealed him. Also, Exeggutor is Grass/Dragon, and I really love the fact that just a reference to Dracanea genus, literally meaning 'dragon trees', specifically Dracaena cinnabari, the Dragon Blood Tree found in Hawaii. Regardless, Alolan Exeggutor is the equivalent to Psyduck or Wobbuffet or Croagunk of the generation, I feel. The ridiculous-looking thing that you honestly can't  hate. And look at this thing! It actually looks like a real coconut tree, with coconuts that have faces, but it still has the old Exeggutor fat body waddling around, which now has a tail... and that fruit on the tip of the tail has its own squinty-mouthed face! How hilariously dumb is that? They even get their own area in Alola, Exeggutor Island. Yes, an entire island.

Apparently the sunlight causes Exeggutor to rely less on psychic powers, and awaken its "power of the sleeping dragon", whatever the fuck that means, but I love it anyway. Exeggutor apparently attacks by swinging its entire neck-head anatomy like a whip, in his signature move -- Dragon Hammer. Which it just slams its entire ridiculous neck down onto the enemy, which might look ridiculous but have you ever had an entire palm tree whack you in the face? A palm tree with coconuts growing on them. Hell, coconuts alone have a higher death count than things like sharks and lions. That's right, folks, fear the coconut! Coconuts are deadly. And Alolan Exeggutor is just ridiculously deadly. I like him. I like him a lot. I don't really have much to say about this ridiculous coconut trees dragon, beyond that it's just truly the epitome of ridiculousness, and I can't fault them for this.

 5/6.

#105: Marowak

• Types: Fire/Ghost
• Japanese Name: Garagara
• Categories: Bone Keeper

Our last Alolan form is another one who evolves from what seems to be a regular-looking older Pokemon, with Cubones evolving into this version of Marowak in Alola, who abandons the Ground-type entirely and becomes Fire/Ghost, being based on both the ghostly Marowak from the original games, as well as the fire-dancers, if Alolan Marowak setting the tips of its bone club on fire is anything to go by. The darker skin tone is very fitting, its longer arms give it a unique silhouette, and I do like the tattoo on his head. Marowak's one of those pokemon that's really under-appreciated, and apparently it's channeling the vengeful regrets of its dead mother, while dancing around with its bones and summoning ghostly will-o-wisps. Marowak's signature move, Shadow Bone, essentially weaponizes a ghost while dancing to strike the enemy. With Mandibuzzes explicitly preying on Cubones here, I'm just sad that Marowak's new typing actually makes it more vulnerable to Mandibuzz. I love the explanation that apparently Marowak grew to have the Fire-type due to the abundance of Grass-types in Alola, which 'prey' on its natural Ground-type. Very interesting that a pokemon can differ so drastically with its new regional variant.

Alolan Marowak's a very cool design, and very closely associated with the fire-dancing fire trial captain, Kiawe. And I really do like Marowak's design. It's just so sleek and cool looking, and while the logistics of the entire Cubone/Marowak line is brought into question, it's still cool to think that Alolan Marowak is a fire-dancing Shaman, channeling the spirits of the dead to literally help it out through dance and controlling ghostly fireballs. Overall, a very solid design. There's not much I can say about Alolan Marowak beyond that, since I've already reviewed all of these back when I did the original 151, so I don't actually have that much to say beyond acknowledging how well-done these Hawaii-themed variation are.

 5/6.

It's such a shame that we only got ten evolutionary lines with Alolan forms, and at least one of them didn't need to be (Diglett) and one is flat-out bad (Persian), but for the most part, the Alolan forms range from okay to very good. I'm also very pleasantly surprised that all of them are pokemon that are relatively obscure or ignored over the years.. No starters, no legendaries, no uber-popular pokemon like Gengar or Eevee... and I definitely appreciate that. Shame that we didn't get proper Alolan versions of post-generation-one Pokemon, but this is what you get when you complain about Unova. Still, hopefully we'll see regional variations for whatever comes up in the eighth generation, which I would love. It'd give us more designs without overburdening the pokedex, although I could see them dropping this entirely from the eighth generation as well. 

_______________________________________

#722-724: Rowlet, Dartrix & Decidueye

• Types: Grass/Flying [Rowlet/Dartrix], Grass/Ghost [Decidueye]
• Japanese names: Mokuro, Fukusuro, Junaipa
• Categories: Grass Quill [Rowlet], Blade Quill [Dartrix], Arrow Quill [Decidueye]

The first Pokemon in the Alolan pokedex is, as usual, the grass starter... except for the first time since Bulbasaur back in 1995, Rowlet is a dual-typed starter. This cute little baby owl is Grass/Flying, and it just looks so adorable! It's a baby owl with a little bow-tie made out of leaves and oh my gosh it looks so cute. In the anime and the games, it can turn its head 360 degrees like real owls, and that is way, way more adorable than what I can describe. Needless to say, I fell in love with Rowlet from day one. Rowlet's apparently based on the barn owl (Tytonidae family), where one of its species, the common barn owl, is introduced to Hawaii. Barn owls are characterized by their heart-shaped faces and their black eyes, something that Rowlet adapts... albeit, of course, it takes a significant amount of liberties to baby-fy the face. Another strong contender for Rowlet's inspiration is the Hawaiian Pueo (Asio flammeus sandwichensis), a short-eared owl endemic to Hawaii. Most famously, the Pueo owl is one of the many forms assumed by aumakua (ancestral spirits) in Hawaiian culture, a detail that's going to be relevant once Rowlet reaches his final evolution.

I do love that Rowlet's depicted as this cute little owl baby that likes to use its trainer's bag as a nest, snuggling in and sleeping in them -- something that the Sun/Moon anime devotes copious scenes to. Also, in addition to launching razor-sharp blades, Rowlet is apparently able to kick really hard with vicious kicks, something that real owls and other birds of prey actually do -- the musculature of their legs are as important to killing their prey as their talons are.

I'm nowhere as impressed by Dartrix, who's another one of those starter middle stages that looks so awkward. At least Dartrix's awkwardness seems to be intentional, though, because he's like this weird stuffy kid at school that always shows up in a fancy suit with slicked-up gel hair. I can respect what they're going for, but Dartrix is a design that I'm not a big fan of, and so much less cuter than Rowlet and nowhere as cool as Decidueye is. Dartrix's dex entries notes that it's a 'dandy' that is pre-occupied with preening and making sure it's perfectly clear, so sometimes it even ends up being unable to battle. Apparently, in extreme cases, Dartrix won't even listen to trainers who don't groom them regularly. When it does, though, it throws sharp feathers called 'blade-quills' at the enemy with unerring accuracy, being able to even detect enemies behind him. I don't have much to say about Dartrix. It's kinda there.

Dartrix evolves into Decidueye, shedding the Flying-typing and becoming the unexpected Grass/Ghost Decidueye. And it's this amazing ghostly owl-archer who also happens to be a ghost. And there's so much things going on with Decidueye, but somehow it ends up in such a nice, pleasing whole. Decidueye's wings and that grass-hoodie forms a very cool Robin Hood-esque cloak deal, while at the same time looking like it's part of Decidueye's natural bird anatomy. It's got those cute looking goggles that calls back to Dartrix and Rowlet's posh-ness with the bow-tie, and its grass hoodie even has two little hoodie strings that Decidueye actually uses to close the hoodie up! That's adorable! Best of all is Decidueye's arrow-shooting ability. See, Decidueye plucks out his own feathers to shoot as arrows, which is neat, but his own arm ends up serving as the bow, and the bow-arm holds one of his hoodie-vine strings as the bowstring. Like so. How cool is that?

Oh, and being ghost-type, Decidueye is the only pokemon able to learn the move Spirit Shackle (and its upgraded Z-Move, Sinister Arrow Raid), which includes shooting an arrow that spins around and slams down on the enemy's shadow, pinning them into place and preventing them from escaping. Decidueye's ghost-typing, in addition to being a "sinister" owl and all, is probably a reference to the fact that it's long legs means that Decidueye is likely visually based on the Stilt-Owl (Grallistrix genus), a group of owls with long legs that was once endemic to Hawaii, but are now extinct.

Decidueye's apparently such a cool design that they picked him over the seventh-generation Pokemon actually based on a wresler to star in Pokken Tournament... and by god, it's actually a really great decision because Decidueye is so cool (yet wonderfully geeky) in that game. Needless to say, Decidueye ends up being my uncontested favourite among the starter pokemon of the seventh generation. It's just so cool, but it also has that neat amount of awkwardness to make it adorable.

 6/6.

#725-727: Litten, Torracat & Incineroar

• Types: Fire [Litten/Torracat], Fire/Dark [Incineroar]
• Japanese names: Nyabi, Nyahito, Gaogaen
• Categories: Fire Cat [Litten/Torracat], Heel [Incineroar]

Litten is the fire starter, a black-and-red little kitty with obvious tiger stripes, fueling the whole zodiac animal theory that this is the 'tiger' of the bunch. And Litten is a reasonably cute cat, I guess, with a neatly disinterested look on his face. Those yellow eyes on a black-and-red body really look great, and while cats aren't really my thing, I can respect how neat Litten looks. Apparently, Litten hacks up hairballs that it sets on fire from within its own stomach, which I thought is neat. Apparently, instead of shedding like real cats, Litten goes through a phoenix-like process of setting its own body on fire to burn away the old coat of fur, which is a very cool bit of detail. Like real-life cats, though, earning Litten's trust takes time and commitment, and going in too quickly will cause you to get burned. Literally.

And then Litten evolves into Torracat, which is a bigger, meaner Litten. It's got a cute little cat's jingle bell that's actually part of its own anatomy -- some weird organ made out of fire -- but it's otherwise just kind of a cooler-looking angry cat. Of course,  everyone and their mother thought that Torracat was just going to evolve into a big badass four-legged tiger. And then pictures of Incineroar was leaked earlier than Nintendo intended to, and by god the fandom lambasted the design with such disdain. I am ashamed to say that I count myself as one of them, because back then we knew nothing about Incineroar other than its design -- the fact that it's bipedal, and the fact that despite Delphox bucking the trend last generation, it seemed like we're getting another tired Fire/Fighting bipedal fire starter.


Of course, the GLORIOUS Incineroar isn't just a Fire/Fighting fire starter. That'd be boring. Instead, Incineroar is Fire/Dark, because he's based on a wrestler. Not just any wrestler, but he's specifically a heel -- a term in wrestling that's essentially the equivalent to the antagonist, the unlikable douchebag in a wrestling match that the audience is supposed to root against.  And while the official artwork doesn't really make Incineroar appealing, I took a look at Incineroar in the game proper and I end up really, really liking him. It's just so dynamic in its movement, especially its signature move -- Darkest Lariat -- where it hilariously spins around like a top to clothesline the enemy. Or its exclusive Z-Move, Malicious Moonsault, where Incineroar quite literally summons a wrestling ring, sets himself on fire, to do a mighty wrestling press against his enemy. Incineroar has a second semi-exclusive move (it can be passed to others via breeding), Throat Chop, which is just so appropriate for a wrestler that resorts to dirty tricks. Throat Chop even has the insanely appropriate effect of disabling all sound-generating moves for two turns!

The little burning bell on Torracat has evolved into a burning champion's belt buckle, which is actually how Incineroar shoots out his special moves. No, Incineroar doesn't breathe fire. He shoots out fire from his belt with pelvic thrusts. That's hilarious. Best of all, those of you wanting a more proper tiger, apparently Incineroar is fully capable of running on all fours, as displayed in the Pokemon: I Choose You movie, where it does exactly that.

Honestly, I find it hilarious that such a divisive Pokemon among the fandom is appropriately based on a wrestling heel, and I absolutely love how Incineroar is just such a dick in the pokedex entries, with the Sun entry noting that if it's in a foul mood, it will completely disregard its trainer's orders. Incineroar is also very popular among the kids, as it appears, and is only really motivated to fight stronger opponents. Some of the entries for Incineroar on Pokemon's guidebooks and official websites even characterize Incineroar as a typical villain-with-a-heart-of-gold who enjoys showing off for kids and beats up bullies, although no pokedex entry has stated it just yet. They managed to pull a 180, and despite all odds, they did it. They made a humanoid furry Pokemon into one of my favourite Pokemon ever.

 5/6.

#728-730: Popplio, Brionne & Primarina

• Types: Water [Popplio/Brionne], Water/Fairy [Primarina]
• Japanese names: Ashimari, Oshamari, Ashirenu
• Categories: Sea Lion [Popplio], Pop Star [Brionne], Soloist [Primarina]

While I really, really love Decidueye and Incineroar, my feelings towards this generation's water starter is more... apathetic. I don't hate Popplio or his evolutions, but they're just kinda there. Popplio's a cute enough Water starter, that cute little awkward, goofy one to contrast with Rowlet's cuteness and Litten's coolness, and I actually do really like Popplio! It's the best part of this evolutionary line, really, with its darling little flippers and the circus theme and the fact that it really likes to create little bubbles to use as 'balls' to toss around and use for his circus stunts. Popplio's adorable.


Brionne, however, beats out Dartrix as being one of the most awkward middle-stage evolutions, and I'm not sure what is worse for me. The poorly-stacked-together faux dress, or the hideously drawn bubble-ears, or the weird eyelash they placed on Brionne's eyes. Popplio's such a cute design, Primarina is such a graceful design, but I can't really say anything that good about Brionne. I don't hate Brionne as much as the majority of the fandom seem to do, but I'm definitely not a fan. It could've done with a couple of revisions to really make it a more pleasant design.


Thankfully, though, we have Primarina. I'm not sure why they decided to give Popplio and Brionne a carnival clown motif, and then for Primarina they went all out with grace, turning her into a mermaid-seal that's also an opera singer, but I do like Primarina. She looks graceful and classy, and while slightly over-designed, a lot of the clutter is limited to the accessories on her hair and the spikes on her mermaid-seal lower body. Primarina is also Water/Fairy, a fact that I often forget. It's pretty cool, I guess, playing into the mermaid-siren motif.

Primarina's singer motif is ramped up here, with her controlling water balloons with her song and voice, and her signature move is Sparkling Aria, where it sings a glorious melody that manifests in buubbles -- which, like Decidueye and Incineroar's signature moves, can be upgraded into the Z-Move Oceanic Operetta. Also, when singing, Primarina quite literally lets her hair down, shedding the pearl-hair-ties and letting her hair run wild. It's such a more primal and awesome looking look for Primarina that I'm disappointed that it's not her default pose. Primarina's neat -- I just don't quite like it as much as the other two, and on a bad day I might give this evolutionary line a lower ranking. They're not necessarily bad, they just feel... forgettable, I guess.

 3/6.

#731-733: Pikipek, Trumbeak & Toucannon

• Types: Normal/Flying [all three]
• Japanese names: Tsutsukera, Kerarappa, Dodekabashi
• Categories: Woodpecker [Pikipek], Bugle Beak [Trumbeak], Cannon [Toucannon]

Oh, the regional bird! Yeah, Pikipek's a cute woodpecker, one of the few birds not to be made into a Pokemon yet. And that's really all there is to Pikipek. It's a bird that pecks wood, just like real-life woodpeckers, and that's all it does. Its read head plumage seems to imply that it's based on a specific species in mind, Dyrocopus pileatus, the pileated woodpecker... that's native to North America and not Hawaii. Still, as a cute little bird, it works.

Pikipek evolves into the decidedly more tropical-looking Trumbeak, whose beak is larger but ends up looking decidedly more like a generic tropical bird, not possessing the unique woodpecker silhouette of Pikipek or the toucan silhouette of Toucannon. Trumbeak's whole gimmick is that its rigid beak is actually able to part at the tip of its 'lips' like a trumpet, which really looks weirdly uncomfortable. Trumbeak is also apparently prone to shooting seeds out of its beak like machineguns? I dunno. It's an okay design, but not a particularly exciting one. Does fit the whole tropical island feel of Alola, for sure.


The Pikipek line bucks the trend set up by Pidgey and Spearow all the way from the first generation, because for the first time ever, the final evolution isn't a bird of prey of some sort, but rather a pokemon based on the decidedly silly-looking toucan. Now Toucannon is the angriest cartoon toucan you'll ever see out there, and is certainly an appropriate bird to place on a tropical island setting, but at the same time... there's really nothing about Toucannon that's particularly impressive. It's quite literally just a toucan. Toucannon's whole deal is that his beak can apparently heat up with some internal gases, which Toucannon uses to use its signature move, Beak Blast. It's apparently something that Toucannon also uses to incubate their eggs? It's a reference to the fact that real-life toucans use their beaks for thermoregulation, but at the same time Toucannon still remains Normal/Flying instead of being partially Fire-type. I did like that the unifying theme for all three forms of the Pikipek line is that they use their beak in unconventional ways.

Ultimately, though, there's not much for me to really talk about here. All three stages of the evolutionary line is decently drawn, and while I do like the little subversion of expectations in not making this a small songbird that evolves into a bid of prey, it does feel extremely underwhelming.

 3/6.

#734-735: Yungoos & Gumshoos

• Types: Normal [both]
• Japanese names: Yangusu, Dekagusu
• Categories: Loitering [Yungooos], Stakeout [Gumshoos]

This generation's early-game rodent Pokemon are Yungoos and Gumshoos, which, despite what the internet wants you to think, isn't actually based on Donald Trump's hairdo, but rather on a stereotypical detective hat. Gumshoe's actually an old-timey slang for a policeman. See, Yungoos and Gumshoos are supposed to be the 'police' to the Alolan Rattata and Raticate's gangster theme, because the two species are noted to be rivals. In both games, Yungoos and Rattata share the same areas, except Yungoos appear in the day while Rattata in the night, and both species' dex entries highlight the territorial rivalry between them. Like its real-life inspiration, the mongoose, Yungoos was imported from a different region to deal with the Rattata infestation in Alola, and ended up being endemic. It's a story that refers to how mongoose were imported to Hawaii to deal with the rat problem. Yungoos himself is a pretty competently drawn little mongoose, with all the angriness that little rodents have.

Gumshoos adopts a more humanoid stance, with its brown fur splayed out somewhat to resemble a trench-coat, but it's a very loose and weak attempt, in my opinion, and the general look, combined with Gumshoos's bad hair and mustache, and its weird eyes, do end up in a rather unpleasant-looking design. Gumshoos is a lot neater in the games, where it alternates between going on all four legs or standing upright, but it's definitely not my favourite design, and probably one of my least-favourite early-game rodents. The whole point of Gumshoos is that like Watchog and Furret, they are 'stakeout' Pokemon, playing into the cops-and-robbers theme, but Gumshoos is actually incompetent and often falls asleep by nightfall, allowing the Rattatas and Raticates to run rampant anyway. Gumshoos are straight-up said to prey on Rattatas, one of the few times in post-generation-two dex entries where the pokedex starts highlighting pokemon-on-pokemon food chain -- something that is pretty common in the seventh generation pokedex entries.

Worth noting that Gumshoos, in Pokemon Sun, is the first Totem Pokemon you encounter. (In Moon, you encounter a Totem Raticate instead). Totem Pokemon are Pokemon that are far larger than their normal counterparts, apparently bathed in the energies of nature -- later revealed to be Ultra Beast portal energies -- and has grown far larger than normal and shrouded in an aura that boosts their stats, and they're also able to summon little buddies to gang up on you. Totem Pokemon essentially act as bosses in the game that can take an unprepared player unawares and beat them up. Overall, I'm not particularly impressed with either Gumshoos or Toucannon, but they're inoffensive at worst, and I don't actually hate them. Again, the quality-over-quantity design philosophy they adopted for the sixth and seventh generation really worked to their benefit.

 2/6.

#736-738: Grubbin, Charjabug & Vikavolt

• Types: Bug [Grubbin], Bug/Electric [Charjabug/Vikavolt]
• Japanese names: Agojimushi, Denjimushi, Kuwaganon
• Categories: Larva [Grubbin], Battery [Charjabug], Stag Beetle [Vikavolt] 

Because while the early-game rodent and the early-game bird are relatively boring, the early-game bug is decidedly not. Being the bug geek that I am, I'd be happy enough to get a little bug grub that evolves into a generic beetle, a neat break from the slew of butterflies -- there are more to the arthropod phylum than butterflies, dammit! But thankfully, they go a different way with Grubbin. See, Grubbin himself is a cute little, well... grub. With its two prominent giant mandibles, a vertical chompy mouth, a little hat and little spiracles adorning its worm-like body, Grubbin is a far cuter version of actual beetle larvae, albeit with exaggerated mandibles and a less worm-like body. Like real beetle grubs, Grubbin lives most of its life underground -- although sadly unlike Nincada, Grubbin is pure-Bug instead of Bug/Ground. Missed opportunity there! Grubbin likes to eat on tree sap, but they also gather where Electric Pokemon gather in order to prevent being eaten by all those nasty Pikipeks, something that is actually a very awesome little detail that ends up precipitating Grubbin's evolution.

You see, Grubbin evolves into the pupal stage, this little hilarious box called Charjabug. Compared to the more commonly seen butterfly or moth cocoons, beetle cocoons are actually ugly messes that look more like an immobile insect instead of a wrapped-up deal, so Charjabug appropriately looks somewhat like Grubbin itself, albeit, y'know, boxy. Charjabug is Bug/Electric, and it's clear that he's meant to be based as some sort of weird battery with those fancy window-like sunglasses-esque eyes. I don't really like Charjabug as much as its pre-evolution or evolution, but it does communicate an electrical bug pupa as best as it can. Charjabug, like real-life bug pupae, also really likes to burrow underground, although unlike real bug pupas the can actually move. In the Ultra remastered games, one of the new quests you have to do is to hunt down eight Charjabugs who have burrowed themselves in the lawn around an observatory. Charjabug's Japanese name is Dendimushi, which is apparently a reference to the Denkimushi (lit. electric bug), the common name in Japan for the caterpillar of the Monema flavescens moth, a little fat, stocky green worm who delivers a poisonous sting to anyone who touches it, earning its nickname. While the Grubbin line is based primarily on beetles, it's neat to note that Charjabug might borrow inspirations from other insects as well.

And then, if you keep your Charjabug through your journey through Alola and reach the final island, you'll enter one of those magnetic areas that in previous games would allow the likes of Magneton and Nosepass to evolve, and Charjabug will finally reach its final form -- the mighty VIKAVOLT, which I freaked out about when I first saw images of him revealed, and I still love this motherfucker to this day. Vikavolt is a more faithful depiction of a stag beetle than the equally cool Pinsir, but Vikavolt takes a more robotic feel to it. Its abdomen lights up like some sort of wacky sci-fi robot (or a firefly), its outer wings look metallic, its eyes look robotic, and its mighty stag-horns are shaped like a sci-fi railgun. Look at this thing! It's a railgun beetle, and it's badass as all hell. I don't think Vikavolt is based on any particular species of stag beetle, but I don't care. Everything about him is perfect, from its railgun horns to the way that the hindwings splay out like some sort of futuristic airplane while the elytrae open up menacingly.

It's a shame, really, that Pokemon are limited to two typings, because Vikavolt could really have been a Bug/Electric/Flying monstrosity, but I'll take Bug/Electric with Levitate. Vikavolt's dex entries note that it's a speedy, acrobatic monster that actually takes the fight to the flying bids (and presumably preys on them) that once preyed on its Grubbin buddies. It's just a shame that in-game, Vikavolt's a slow cannon. But it's still a literal cannon, and while it takes some effort to really get a Vikavolt in-game, it's still one of the cooler bugs out there, and easily one of the flat-out coolest Pokemon designs to come out of the seventh generation.

 6/6.

#739-740: Crabrawler & Crabominable

• Types: Fighting [Crabrawler], Fighting/Ice [Crabominable]
• Japanese names: Makenkani, Kekenkani
• Categories: Boxing [Crabrawler], Woolly Crab [Crabominable]

Okay, these two. I've talked about them at length before, and my opinion mostly stands. See, as a region based on Hawaii, Crabrawler is actually a pretty cool adaptation of one of the tropical Coconut Crab (Birgus latro), the largest terrestrial animal with exoskeleton in the world. As its name implies, it's a crab that is such a weird excuse of a crab, living entirely on land and feeding on fallen fruits -- something that Crabrawler actually reflects. You find it in-game inside piles of fallen berries, and it's not a Water-type like other crustaceans, rather being a pure Fighting type. It's a Fighting-type because... its claws are made for boxing, which is a reference to the lesser-known genus of Lybia, otherwise known as the boxer crab. And, well, they are crabs that use their claws to punch predators in the face. Sometimes they put anemones on their claws to add an extra dose of poisonous sting to fuck up their enemies even more. And yes, I'm talking about real-life crabs, not Crabrawler.

And Crabrawler's actually a design I appreciate more the more I play the game and the more I researched into crabs. Combining boxer crabs and coconut crabs (some of those are actually blue), and then modelling Crabrawler after a boxer, with one of his eyes seemingly blackened after a fight, the only problem with Crabrawler's design is the weird-looking hairdo, but I honestly have gotten used to it. Crabrawler's amazing from a concept design, and the pokedex notes how it has some of the neat features associated with crabs -- the ability to regenerate fallen limbs, and also the fact that Crabrawler likes to climb coconut trees. Since this is Alola, though, coconut trees are sometimes Exeggutor. Oy!

I don't think I've ever felt this polarized about a design before, so for the only time, I'm going to rate two members of an evolutionary line separately.

 4/6.

Unfortunately, everything takes a huge turn for the worse when the charming, colourful Crabrawler evolves into the appropriately named Crabominable. You evolve Crabrawler if you bring him to the snowy mountain top of Mt. Lanakila, upon which at a certain level it will evolve into this... this mess. Yeah. A little bit of me die every time I look at Crabominable. I know what Crabominable is based on. It's the Yeti Crab (genus Kiwa), a glorious deep-sea crab that lives near hydrothermal vents, named after a Polynesian god, and also characterized by their unique hairy bristles that earned its nickname of a yeti crab. And a crab that is also a yeti is a great concept!

But as it turns out, just picking an obscure animal and turning it into a Pokemon is not always a good idea. I think they went overdrive with the 'abominable' deal. And while real-life yeti crabs do have long, gangly lobster-like arms, Crabominable is just... so dumb. From its face to the weird, clashing splotches of blue and purple covered by a fur of white, the weird claws that end in dog paw-prints, the brassiere on its chest, the goofy teeth, the dumbass blonde hair... Crabominable does what other ridiculous designs like Alolan Exeggutor or Garbodor or Alolan Dugtrio or Incineroar fail to do -- it's not charming at all, and it clutters itself up with way, way too many design chunks that don't really make sense. Look at how awkward the gorilla arms are! Look at that face! Worst of all, it loses all the fun and charm that Crabrawler has, having nothing in common design-wise with Crabrawler beyond being a crab. And yeah, apparently it can shoot its claws at enemies because its claws can regrow back? And it has the unique typing of Fighting/Ice, and the exclusive move of Ice Hammer? Doesn't really make me care at all for this thing. It's a concept haphazardly done together, and I legitimately cannot say anything good about Crabominable other than the fact that it's got a unique typing and it's based on a cool real-life animal. I tend to like to play Devil's Advocate when these universally-hated Pokemon are concerned, but Crabominable, as far as I'm concerned, deserves all the hate it gets and more.

 0/6.

#741: Oricorio

• Types: Fire/Flying [Baile], Electric/Flying [Pom Pom], Psychic/Flying [Pa'u], Ghost/Flying [Sensu]
• Japanese name: Odoridori
• Category: Dance

The original draft for this article ran all the way to Toxapex, but it turns out that, hey, quality-over-quantity also made its way to the amount of things to talk about these creatures. And I'm not in a particular hurry to just blitz through everything since I actually have more things to say about the tropical-inspired Pokemon of Alola compared to most previous generations... which I really do find neat. It really does feel like they put in a large amount of effort in trying to make most of these creatures unique. Oricorio is one of the earlier Pokemon revealed, and Oricorio is based on the Hawaiian Honeycreeper (sub-family Carduelinae), a group of finches native to Hawaii,  all of whom look familiar, but have adapted different beaks depending on which flower is common on the island they are native to. It's one of the biggest pieces of evidence for adaptive evolution, and the finches of the Galapagos Islands are the ones often used to demonstrate this fact.

However, Oricorio doesn't just have different beaks -- it's a Pokemon, after all, and it actually changes its type and transforms into one of four possible forms. It's able to freely change between this forms provided you bring your Oricorio and expose them to one of the four different fields on the four different islands of Alola... and if that's not enough, the four Oricorio forms have an additional dance theme to prevent another boring Sawsbuck alternate-forms deal. Oricorio's ability is even 'Dancer', which allows it to mimic and replay any dance-style moves done by anyone on the battlefield.

Baile Oricorio, the red one on top, is probably my favourite,  looking the most graceful and most tropical with a very striking combination of red and black, and it's based on a Flamenco dancer. Baile Oricorio is Fire/Flying, although in practice the typing changes between the four Oricorio forms only matter with their signature move, Revelation Dance -- something that borrows the type of Oricorio's current typing. All four forms otherwise just learn boring Flying and Normal type moves. The yellow Pom-Pom Oricorio is Electric/Flying, and based on a cheerleader, which... isn't really something obvious when thinking of dance styles, but there you go. I do like the fact that Pom-Pom Oricorio has little tufts of fancy pom-poms even on its legs. It apparently generates static electricity with its little feathers.

The pink Pa'u Oricorio is Psychic/Flying, and, of course, we had to throw in a hula dance since this is a Hawaiian region. I do like the fancy little feather fingers and the little hula dancing skirt made out of feathers. One of my favourite parts of Oricorio is how different the expressions on each Oriocorio looks, and the difference between the calm Pa'u and the energetic Pom-Pom is definitely very noticeable. I'm not sure why hula dancing is Psychic, but apparently the swaying increases Oricorio's psychic powers?

The last form is the Sensu Oricorio, based on the Japanese fan dancing, and apparently able to summon the dead with its dancing. Sensu oricorio does look quite graceful, with a very pleasing combination of purple, pink and light blue that is particularly pleasant. Overall, while they won't rank high among my personal favourites, I've grown to really appreciate the novelty of Oricorio and how neatly they manage to work four distinct forms while still communicating that they are the same species of Pokemon. Neat stuff.

 3/6.

... and that's all the pokemon we have the time for today. Tune in next week for more Alolan goodness! Lots of very interesting species we'll talk about in Alola, really, and I've really been struck by how well-done the hit-and-miss ratio of Kalos and Alola are compared to the first five regions.