Pokemon S01E01 Review: I Wanna Be The Very Best, Like No One Ever Was

Pokemon, Episode 1: Pokemon! I Choose You!

So yeah, this has kind of been a long time for me, at least. I've been really wanting to talk a bit about Pokemon on this blog, and I've ended up just talking about the designs of the monsters themselves as I thought that's a bit more unique than just reviewing the anime and/or the Adventures manga, which... there's been a fair bit of those online. But the recent surge of Pokemon stuff, from the Let's Go Pikachu/Eevee games, to the Detective Pikachu movie, to the revelation that Generation VIII is coming at the end of this year... yeah, it's a lot of stuff to re-kindle some real nostalgia in me. I ended up watching the Japanese version with English subs online, so... yeah.

I grew up with the English-dubbed versions, of course, and I still have a stack of old VCD's (god I am old) in my basement somewhere, but I thought that it's actually a neat incentive for me to go back and watch this original version. As a side-note, though, I'll still use their English names primarily, because you don't grow for two decades with these characters and not reflexively call them by that.

And this episode starts off pretty neatly, with the transition from the original Game Boy Red/Blue/Green 'cutscene' of Gengar fighting Nidorino rotating around and going from pixelated to pretty neat animation. The animation has aged pretty well for being 20-something years old, and I really do love this reference to the actual games that the series is based on. Sure, especially in earlier seasons, we do have a lot of continuity snarls with the game's rules, but hey. It's actually a pretty neat opening of what a Pokemon battle looks like, with Nidorino fighting with a Gengar, and then a trainer recalling Nidorino and summoning Onix to the battlefield.

We then get to see our main hero, Satoshi (or, as the dub calls him, Ash Ketchum), watching all of this televised Pokemon combat on television. It's a simple enough world-building piece -- and I really do love the little shots of Ash's room. Poliwag sharpeners, Clefairy coin cases, posters, a Voltorb-Pidgey cuckoo clock thing... and Ash is just very, very excited that he's come of age and is able to properly start his Pokemon journey. Of course, in the Pokemon world, apparently the legal age of going around, wandering and capturing monsters that breathe fire and lightning is ten, but, hey, kid's franchise. Got to appeal to the actual kids!

It's kind of a silly bit as Ash proves himself to be lovably dumb. I'm genuinely not sure why so many Japanese material aimed at young boys tend to portray their main characters as blockheads, but while Ash does kind of get a bit better throughout the series, watching this episode made me go "man, you are duuuumb". Apparently, while sleeping, he accidentally smashes his adorable Pidgey cuckoo clock and his mom doesn't care enough to wake him up for what basically amounts to, like, high school entrance examinations or something in this world. Silly mom!

We also get the brief introduction to Ash's rival, Gary Oak (Shigeru in the original Japanese), who... who's actually a lot less smarmy in the original Japanese. The English dub really plays up his jackassness and cockiness. And, sure, a lot of them still does come from the original script, but the Japanese delivery is more condescending and subdued. He still has a goddamn sports car and an army of short-skirted cheerleaders, and delights in telling Ash that he's the grandson of the renowned Professor Oak and mocks his jammies, so there's still gloating, but I am actually slightly surprised at how subdued the voice acting is.

Oak admonishes Ash for being late, because, of course, you really don't have any excuse for being late. We do get a particularly cruel bit as Oak just waits for Ash to slowly open one of the three supposed starter Pokemon that he would've gotten, only to go one by one and say "that one has been taken by someone who's not late". Oak, you snarky ass. I mean, Ash does deserve it, but still, that's kinda mean.

Of course, this leads to the fateful encounter that Ash has with the mascot of the series, the problem child, the little chubby electric rat Pikachu. God, he's so fat in these older episodes. And I really cannot understate how adorable Otani Ikue's voice for Pikachu is. And in this first episode... Pikachu is such a lovable asshole! He shocks Ash, and then Ash and Oak, and then the entire crowd that comes to see Ash off. Pika pika, indeed, and he looks so happy zapping everyone. Also adorable is Ash trying to get Pikachu into his poke ball, ending with the two of them basically batting the ball back and forth. That was fun.

And honestly, this first episode actually does a decent job at both focusing on the Ash/Pikachu dynamic as well as doing some world-building about Pokemon. We next see Ash literally dragging Pikachu along with rubber gloves and rope (Pokemon abuse, nooo!) along some nondescript countryside, before trying to properly befriend and understand Pikachu. "Do you hate me?" "Pika-pika". Thanks to the exposition machine that is the Pokedex (or Pokemon Zukan in the original Japanese), we learn that while most Pokemon do go into pokeballs... some really hate small places. Like Pikachu.

Pikachu just plain refuses to have anything to do with Ash, and he ends up going off to try and catch a Pidgey all on his own... but fails. Causing Pikachu to go hihihihihi on top of his perch, and it's adorable. He later tries to use his pajamas to wrap the Pidgey up, but ends up getting tossed around by Pidgey's Gust attack. And while he's being humiliated by a tiny pigeon, a Rattata goes off and steals Ash's food, and we get a particularly snarky bit from the Pokedex, who tells Ash that "Rattata sometimes comes out of their normal habitat to take food from careless travelers." Oh, man, the Pokedex is a snarky ass.

I also like, by the way, the slight attempt at deconstructing the concept of Pokemon trainers in general. Supplies being stolen, disobedient Pokemon, being physically thrown around by wild Pokemon... yeah, it's actually a neat little aspect of the episode I do appreciate.

Ash's next attempt, of course, involves throwing a rock (this ain't the Safari Zone!) and it hits a Spearow! Which the Pokedex quickly establishes as the meanest motherfucker around. The Spearow attacks Ash, and we get a pretty cool black-and-white "from the Pokemon's vision" bit of Spearow swooping around. It's a pretty fun scene, and Spearow ends up attacking poor, confused Pikachu on the tree. The Pokedex notes that wild Pokemon often attacks those with trainers out of jealousy? Pikachu uses all those thundershocks he's been lobbing around to zap Spearow to the ground, but the Spearow just calls an entire flock of Spearows from a tree.

In the first agreement they have had since leaving Pallet Town, Ash and Pikachu decide to run away from the massive flock of Spearow. And while doing this, Pikachu runs ahead and gets pecked by a bunch of them and gets severely wounded. And after spending half the episode being an irresponsible twit or a dumbass, Ash finally does something actually heroic, and cradles Pikachu and continues running, including a bit where he jumps into a river and narrowly avoids colliding with a motherfucking Gyarados. That's kinda scary.

This leads to a brief encounter with a red-headed girl fishing near a stream -- this is Misty (or Kasumi, in Japanese, which also means 'mist' anyway), our female lead... but her role in this episode is basically just quite literally fishing Ash out of the river, slapping him for being an irresponsible trainer and injuring Pikachu... and then as the Spearow flock arrives, Ash just 'borrows' Misty's bike and zooms off to Viridian City, wanting to go to the nearest Pokemon Hospital.

Like, okay, as a kid, I cheered for Ash to get away from those Spearows, but shit, considering that we've seen that the Spearows have no qualms of exchanging their target of ire, it's pretty horrible for Ash to leave Misty right there as the Spearows are encroaching, huh? It's a good thing the Spearows are still focused on Ash and Pikachu, and not flock and peck Misty to death.

And as some nice rainy weather hampers their way, the Spearows knock Ash and Pikachu off of their stolen bicycle, and the animation team really makes sick, wounded Pikachu look really... really injured. It's pretty well done! And Ash ends up telling Pikachu to, hey, get into the poke ball, even though you don't like it. That way, Pikachu can at least survive while Ash basically tanks the entire Spearow swarm by himself. It's a pretty ballsy move, especially as a last resort, and this self-sacrificial willingness from Ash's part ends up inspiring Pikachu enough to actually get his fat ass off the ground and do something. In a pretty neat frame-by-frame style of animation, Pikachu climbs up Ash's body and jumps towards the middle of the Spearow flock, channeling all of the actual lightning bolts from the storm and zapping the entire swarm away. Oh, and turning Misty's bike into a mangled mess in the process. Also, at this point, the anime's soundtrack uses a remix of the Red/Blue wild Pokemon battle theme, which is something that I'm not sure they did in the dubbed version, and it's something that I definitely appreciate a lot.

Cheesy as hell, but hey, it's a kid's show, and it's actually a pretty neat, dramatic end to the Spearow chase. I'm pretty sure this episode also made me extremely suspicious about large flocks of birds, because holy shit, Spearows are mean motherfuckers.

And as Ash and Pikachu slowly walk towards the Viridian City in the horizon, they get to see a majestic, golden-coloured bird trailing sparkles in the sky. We now know that it's (an off-model) Ho-Oh, one of the main legendaries from Generation II, but I definitely remembered being confused, looking at the 150 Pokemon poster I received with the VCD purchases, because this definitely doesn't resemble Fearow, Pidgeot, Moltres or any of the birds in the original 150. The Pokedex notes that this is a Pokemon with "unknown data", hinting that there are many more creatures to be discovered in the world. And also being a stealth prequel to the sequel series Gold and Silver, which are presumably in development while the anime adapting the first series of games are in production. I was confused as all hell as a kid, but it's actually a pretty cool cameo.

Anyway... that's a pretty neat first episode! I'm not sure how far I'll go through with reviewing Pokemon. I'm pretty sure that after the first couple of episodes we'll basically lump them into two or three episodes together, especially when we get to the more filler-y stuff. We'll see. It's actually a pretty neat, if standard, meeting between a dumb but kind-hearted boy and his little jackass rat partner, and honestly, even after 20+ years, it's still a pretty solid entry point to the world of Pokemon. Anyway... see you guys for the next episode, where we prepare for trouble, and make it double.

Pokemon Index:

• Pokemon: Gengar, Nidorino, Onix, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Dodrio, Pikachu, Pidgey, Rattata, Spearow, Sandshrew, Mankey, Magikarp, Gyarados, Ho-Oh
• Humans: Ash, Delia, Professor Oak, Gary, Misty

Assorted Notes: 

• We're not going to do a segment as extensive as this particular review every episode, but hey, since it's the very first episode, I figured... why not? 
• Game Easter Eggs:
• The biggest one, of course, has to be the first shot of the episode, which is a recreation of the pixelated Gengar-vs-Nidorino fight that was the opening animation before the title screen of the original Pokemon Red & Green, before rotating around and replacing the sprites with actual animation. One of the downright coolest shit when I was a kid. 
• Nidorino's trainer is completely obscured, but he seems to borrow the appearance of Bruno of the Elite Four.
• Dub Changes:
• In addition to changing everyone's names and Japanese language in signage to English, the dub team also have to localize some jokes and censor some things. I'm not going to exhaustively list everything, but some of them that I do notice:
• A full on scene of Misty slapping Ash in the face for letting Pikachu get injured was cut from the dub version.
• A joke lost in translation with Ash telling Pikachu to 'talk' (hanashi) to him ends up with Pikachu showing off his teeth, a pun on ha nashi also meaning 'toothless'. In the dubbed version, this is actually pretty smartly turned into Ash realizing that, yeah, Pikachu can only say his name and can't really talk to him. 
• Theme Songs!
• The Japanese version is Mezase Pokemon Master (Aim to be a Pokemon Master) by Rika Matsumoto, which I still have nostalgic feelings for because as a kid, I watched the Johto seasons aired in their original Japanese version, so I am familiar with this fun, little peppy theme with short, speedy chorus. It's fun! My only complaint is the "through the girl's skirt" bit, not mostly because of the skirt but more because of the loud high-pitched scream that just bugs my ear. Still, I really do like it...
• ...But my preference still has to be Jason Paige's more bombastic rock theme of Pokemon Theme (Gotta Catch 'Em All), which is just... there's just something about how great it is, y'know? It just makes you get amped to watch the series and play the game and be the very best, like no one ever was. 
• Dare da? Pikachu! Or, in the dubbed version... Who's That Pokemon? Pikachu! An honestly charming little advertisement bumper that I felt was done far better than most other kiddy anime out there, and one that also gets the audience to learn about the 150+ Pokemon in the world. Most other anime tends to just have a brief clip of their main characters waving or some shit. 
• Ho-Oh was really off-model, huh? Apparently they just used whatever in-development sketch of Ho-Oh they had, which is why he looks so weirdly different. 
• The Bruno lookalike in the TV tournament uses a weird green Pokeball, which doesn't actually match any Pokeballs in the series. 
• Also, the Bruno lookalike keeps ordering his Nidorino and Onix to use Normal-type moves against Gengar (Horn Attack and Tackle, respectively), and as a Ghost-type, Gengar's completely immune to those. Silly show writers!

Hearthstone: Rise of Shadows Card Reaction/Review #2

[Speed review version!]

Yeah, there have been... a fair amount of new cards revealed in a pretty rapid-fire speed. We've been generally skewing more towards a faster card-reveal season, which is great since wedo get to play with the cards a bit faster, but also a bit overwhelming to talk about sometimes. So I'm going to talk about the cards I feel are particularly interesting, and then talk about the rest of those I deem "filler" at the bottom with quick, one-sentence or two-sentence reviews. Would actually probably be a bigger introspective moment when I come back a couple of months later and realize which cards I dismissed and end up becoming the next Tar Creeper or whatever.

Keeper Stalladris: After a couple of expansions receiving mostly sub-par cards and basically kicked in the teeth, Druids finally are allowed to get a bunch more interesting cards. Stalladris is a card comparable to Fandral Staghelm from Old Gods, but instead of casting both Choose One options, Stalladris adds copies of both choices to your hand -- thereby being sorta-kinda similar to Twinspell, and acting more as a value generator as opposed to Fandral's extreme tempo. Some interesting combos with Stalladris, I think, would involve cards druid decks would play regardless, like Wrath, the new Crystal Power, or Jade Druid in wild. It's certainly better than Wardruid Loti, for sure. He'll probably see about as much play as Fandral did in his time.

Crystal Power: A 1-mana choose one spell that either deals 2 damage to a minion, or restores 5 health. Comparable to Living Roots, since the cost and one of the options is the same, but there's no option to just build a board, making it a far slower card. If not for the presence of Crystal Stag and Stalladris, I'd just brushed it off as "neat" and moved on... but there are definitely some obvious synergies among the new cards. While Crystal Power might very well just not see play at all, I've learned to never discount the amount of nonsense druids can get up to with Malygos and cheap spells.

Crystal Stag: A 5-mana 4/4 beast with rush, but if you've restored 5 health in this entire game, you summon a copy of this. 5 mana to summon two 4/4 minions with Rush is clearly a powerful play, and the drawback of restoring health instead of gaining armour is certainly not one that's as trivial as it seems. Of course, with Crystal Power, you basically have it down... but I dunno. Is losing 5 health and subsequently restoring it easy enough for druids? We'll see. Clearly very powerful if we allow it to go off, but I do think that the ask -- especially for a druid deck -- might be a wee bit too impractical, since other than Crystal Power (which, again, need you to be damaged), the only real health-restoring card I can see Druid decks viably run is probably just Zilliax and Rotten Applebaum, but those come at turn 5, so the stag might be sitting in your hand for a while.

Marked Shot: 4-mana, deal 4 damage to a minion and discover a spell... spell hunter decks have taken a significant amount of hit with the nerf to Emerald Spellstone, and particularly with the massive rotation in standard... but in wild, I definitely could see Marked Shot basically being a more value-oriented version of Flanking Strike. Do feel like it's mostly interchangeable depending on your situation. Boring, but neat.

Veressa Windrunner: The final Windrunner sister finally makes her Hearthstone debut and... she's... interesting? A 7-mana 5/6 is a massive tempo loss, even if she does come with a 2/3 weapon. The weapon grants +2 spell damage for the turn after you attack, which is definitely interesting in conjunction with Kill Command and Arcane Shot... but honestly, is it enough? My gut instinct says no, honestly, Very cool effect, but the tempo loss might be a wee bit too much. It's definitely an interesting card to think about, but not not that's going to define a deck or anything.

Mana Cyclone: An all-around good card! A 2-mana 2/2 that gives you a random Mage spell to your hand for each other spell you've cast the turn. Plus it's an elemental, for what it's worth in a post-Un'Goro standard. Considering Babbling Book was played for basically being half as cheap and generating one card, Mana Cyclone is definitely a fun, greedy little card that is definitely going to see play. Not really a whole ton to say here... it's sometimes a bigger Babbling book, sometimes a Cabalist Tome with a body, depending on the spells you cast.

Ray of Frost: And Ray of Frost certainly helps Mana Cyclone! Possibly one of my favourite cards in the set, Ray of Frost is pretty simple. It's a weaker version of good old Ice Lance, but with Twinspell! And that basically means that Ray of Frost is two cheap spells bundled into one. Sometimes you just really need to freeze a big minion, sometimes you just want cheap spells to trigger your Mana Cyclones and Flamewakers, sometimes you just want cheap spells to set up extra damage... I like it. Definitely not particularly powerful, but it's definitely versatile and probably my favourite Twinspell card for sure.

Commander Rhyssa: 3-mana 4/3 paladin legendary card with the passive effect of having all your secrets trigger twice... which is mostly interesting for things like Noble Sacrifice, Redemption, the new Never Surrender, and both Avenge and Competitive Spirit in wild. I'm not 100% convinced she'll actually be that practical, considering she's essentially got a target on top of her head and particularly in Standard, the hall-of-faming of Divine Favor does limit aggro paladin decks. Neat effect, but I'm not convinced she'll be competitive-level.

Nozari: Another 10-mana 4/12 dragon, Nozari has the simple battlecry of restoring both players to full health, something previously seen with Tree of Life... except, y'know, this one is attached to a big-ass dragon body. Works best in conjunction with High Priest Thekal, for sure, as well as various heal synergies, and maybe can be a Reno substitute for OTK decks? Mostly I see wild applications for Nozari considering the amount of Paladin tools moving to Wild. While probably mostly on the impractical side, I'm definitely interested to see if Nozari's going to find a home for herself.

Duel: A lot of the cards in this set seem to be a response to "there are no counterplay to combo decks", something that's actually a bit of a godsend for both Standard and Wild. Duel rips out a minion from each player's deck and have them fight, presumably damaging each other once in the process. For 5 mana, it can potentially either remove something from your opponent's deck, like a crucial card for their combo (their Togwaggles, their Mecha'thuns, their Kuns) or at least bring it into vulnerability. Pretty fun card, and definitely one that I can actually see being run by control paladins that are a bit greedy.


Catrina Muerte: Kinda like Kel'thuzad in a way, a 8-mana 6/8... but instead of needing to have your minions die at the turn Kel'thuzad is on the board, Catrina will just summon one at the end of each turn, making this somewhat similar to the "at the end of turn, summon a minion" play pattern of Y'Shaarj. It's... it's an interesting tech card for Big Priest, but I dunno... 8-mana 6/8 is hella expensive, and I'm not sure that Priest even has enough things to play with in Standard to make a proper Big Priest deck. Definitely interesting to experiment in Wild, especially with its pretty dominant Big Priest infestation. We'll see if she ends up being too slow or not, though.

Shadowy Figure: 2-mana 2/2 with a battlecry of transforming into a 2/2 copy of a friendly deathrattle minion... basically a less flexible version of Prince Taldaram, but without the restrictions that Taldaram has. Not sure how powerful this is, considering the fact that does need you to have whatever deathrattle minion you want already on the battlefield. And at this point, other than Quest Priest, I don't really see a whole ton of mileage out of this one. Neat design, I do think, if not especially powerful at the moment.

Sludge Slurper: 1-mana 2/1 Murloc that adds a lackey to your hand as a battlecry. Oh, and Overload 1. It's definitely the cheapest Lackey generator card for sure, and I really wonder if Lackeys are going to be worth it for Shaman since the only real Lackey interaction we've seen are in Rogue. I suppose both being a cheap minion and a battelcry means both the Slurper and the Lackey's going to be great with both Shudderwock and the Hagatha hero? It's also a Murloc, for what it's worth. And the dream of course is to go from Sludge Slurper to a turn 2 coined Likkim. Seems to have a lot of things going on for it despite its small size, probably able to set some disgusting tempo, and I actually see Sludge Slurper being the go-to one-drop for Shaman in the new expansion.

Walking Fountain: Sometimes, "kitchen sink" designs are simple and elegant. Walking Fountain is an 8-mana 4/8 elemental with Rush, Windfury and Lifesteal, essentially being a slightly less powerful Al'Akir (no taunt and divine shield, plus can't go face), but the ability to help heal your hero with its Lifesteal... albeit at the cost of probably taking some damage itself. In addition to Elemental synergy (again, for what it's worth in Standard), Walking Fountain also works great with Corpsetaker in Wild. Pretty great and simple card, I think, actually.

Muckmorpher: Kinda cute, a minion version of Priest's Shadow Essence, only 5-mana 4/4 instead of a 6-mana 5/5. Also, in Shaman. I guess you can use it to cheat out things like, well, Malygos (always Malygos), Walking Fountain or Al'Akir for some powerful damage. It's admittedly hard to think of an actual Shaman deck that will use this, though -- Priest decks get away with doing it thanks to either being mainly spell-based Big Priest decks, or aiming towards a Maly/Velen combo. Still holding out for some new Shaman cards, but I personally think Muckmorpher's going to be a fun-to-experiment but ultimately fringe card.


Evil Genius: A 2-mana 2/2 that destroys a friendly minion, and add 2 random Lackeys to your hand. While in Standard I don't really see this card being particularly powerful with Cubes and Voidlords rotating out, it's still a pretty interesting card in... zoo decks? Egg decks? Egg decks will really only see play in wild, thogh. Maybe you can play him in a deck that runs Grim Rally? It's negative tempo on the turn it's played unless you're hitting a card with beneficial deathrattles, though. We all thought Ratcatcher was going to be good, but even in the glory days of cubelock it was cut out. Pretty interesting card, and I do love Lackeys, but I don't think it's that powerful.

Hench-Clan Hogsteed: A simple neutral that honestly does feel pretty powerful, like a 2-mana substitute of Argent Horserider from TGT. A 2/1 with rush that, upon death, summons a 1/1 is actually pretty great as a controlling 2-mana card. It's comparable to a Disciple of C'Thun that leaves behind a 1/1 body for 1 mana cheaper, I guess? It has beast and murloc synergie for what it's worth. I do think this'll see play. Do like the design.

Jepetto Joybuzz: Sorta like a weird version of Master Oakheart, an 8-mana 6/6 that draws two minions and sets their stats and cost to 1. Sort of comparable to the likes of Barnes or Master Oakheart, basically being cards that cheat out other cards in your deck, but instead of bringing them into the field, it's a cheap 1-mana cost in your hand. The quickest and most obvious way, of course, to have Jepetto cheat out Malygos and Velen, and then in your next turn, play both and double Mind Blast. Or simple Mecha'thun shenanigans. But that's such an impractical deck that relies on you not drawing your combo pieces and reaching to a spot that you can play Jepetto, and even withot the new anti-OTK decks like Hecklebot and Duel, that's impractical. I do like the design, though, and while I don't think it's going to be super-powerful, the chance of rolling high with silly combo decks probably means that Jepetto will find a home somewhere.

Hecklebot: a.k.a. the anti-combo card that Gotham needs right now. A 4-mana 3/8 mech with taunt, and a battlecry that's basically Deathlord's deathrattle effect. In standard, it's your answer towards combo and aggro decks, with it just stopping many aggro decks in its tracks, being a 4-mana 3/8 taunt. And with combo decks... yeah, it's going to rip out Mecha'thuns, Malygoses and Velens out to whack them in the head. In wild it's definitely going to be particularly nasty with Hecklebot and Dirty Rat being aroud and disrupting combo decks. They don't necessarily kill the 'solitaire' decks entirely, since even Mecha'thun warlocks and druids run other minions (and it's basically a never-play against Big Priests or Control Warriors), but it's definitely going to help curb OTK and combo decks. Love the design. It's even a mech, to warrior's delight!

Unseen Saboteur: But what of combos that rely on spells? Those nasty, nasty naturalize combos, or Antoidas/Sorcerer's Apprentice decks? Unseen Saboteur is a 6-mana 5/6 that just forces your opponent to cast a spell from their hand, losing their precious Vivid Nightmares and Molten Reflections and Bloodblooms... man, hitting wild Mecha'thun warlock's Cataclysm with this would be nothing short of amazing. It's not going to be an auto-include in every deck, but just like Eater of Secrets and Skulking Gheist in the past, both Unseen Saboteur and Hecklebot is definitely going to really control the rise of OTK decks. I do like both of them, since now we finally have a way for other non-Mage classes to deal with spell-centric combos. And just like Dirty Rat, those who blindly play this card can just screw themelves up by giving their opponent some stupid tempo.

Unleash the Beast: 6-mana Twinspell card that summons a 5/5 Wyvern with Rush. It's... m'eh, honestly. It's fair, but definitely no To My Side, and while it's definitely a fun value generator for Zul'jin, but ultimately more of a deck-filler for spell hunter decks while we wait for better cards to be printed.

Magic Trick: Mage 1-mana spell that discovers a cheap spell costing 3 or less. Pretty neat, nowhere as powerful as Glyph but more consistent. Great if you want cheap spells, or spells generated outside your deck. Could get you some pretty unexpected burst damage, I guess? Otherwise... eh.

Never Surrender: Paladin Secret, that buffs your minions' health by 2 if your opponent casts a spell. Always great to have secrets that trigger off of different things, and the effect is certainly considerable. Not convinced it'll see a whole ton of play, but it's a neat secret for sure.

Bronze Herald: Not convinced Dragon Paladin's going to be a thing. Wild's got a bunch of their cards, for sure, but an understatted 3-mana 3/2 that adds two 4/4's into your hand is... it's so slow. Maybe Standard's metagame will slow down that such a value card will see play, but this is honestly more of an arena card than anything.

Dragonspeaker: 5-mana 3/5 that specifically handbuffs all dragons with +3/+3, which, of course, turns the Bronze Herald tokens into 4-mana 7/7's (oh meme), and there are certainly enough dragons particularly in wild to set up a dragon paladin deck... but the tempo loss of a 5-mana 3/5 is honestly pretty huge, something that handbuff cards have shown in the past. Won't be good unless there are more unfair dragon synergies.

Evil Conscripter: Priest 2-mana 2/2 minion with a deathrattle of giving you a Lackey. Simple Lackey generator, pretty solid all around, but not sure if a Priest Lackey deck's going to work out. Neat and good, though.

Mass Resurrection: 9-mana, resurrect 3 friendly minions that died this game. Sort of a replacement to Diamond Spellstone, being more expensive but guaranteed. Probably never going to substitute for Diamond Spellstone in Wild, maybe something you'll play around with in Standard.

Fel Lord Betrug: A more powerful version of Dollmaster Dorian, a 8-mana 5/7 demon that summons copies of minions you draw with Rush but dies this turn. It's... it's too small of a body, and doesn't really have anything to really draw in Standard with both Doomguard and Voidlord rotating out. Even then, there's really no way to guarantee you draw those minions. Sense Demons and Soularium seem too impractical with this. Cool effect, but won't see competitive play, I think.

Eager Underling: 4-mana 2/2 that buffs two random friendly minions with +2/+2 as a Deathrattle, making this comparable to a delayed, but cheaper, Fungalmancer. Yeah, probably a possible target for Evil Genius and Grim Rally, but honestly... zoo Warlock could do a lot better.

Batterhead: 8-mana 3/12 with rush, and the Giant Sand Worm effect. It can't go face, though, but can help clear out huge token boards... but shows up at 8 mana. Interesting card, but for small-minion removal I'm pretty sure Mossy Horror has it beat. Do like it, though!

Ultimate Spider-Man S01E17-18 Review: Nick's A Dick

Ultimate Spider-Man, Season 1, Episode 17: Snow Day; Episode 18: Damage 

Episode 17, "Snow Day" is... it's a neat, if simple, episode. It's a pretty light-hearted one that involves the Junior Avengers going off on a vacation, and thanks to Nova not understanding the meaning of "classified", they end up having their vacation on a remote island in the Bermuda triangle, which is a prison island for a superpowered villain, classic Spider-Man baddie Sandman. The episode actually is structured pretty well, with the episode starting with a fun montage of the Junior Avengers fooling around until the legitimately creepy "Sandy" and "Flint" show up. Obviously I'm familiar enough with Marvel comics to know what's going on, but the execution and the little suspense and mystery is pretty neat. We quickly learn that Sandman is apparently this crazy dude, seemingly with some regression symptoms and split personalities (it's never really made clear), and we get a fight. There's not much to the episode beyond that, but thanks to Sandman's unique powers, we do get some fine, fine visuals.

Of course, after the Junior Avengers retreat back to the Helicarrier, turns out that Sandman hitched a ride on the fuck-ton of sand that was stuck to the Junior Avengers' costumes, which is actually a pretty well-done moment. The fight in New York is pretty short, with a standard "turn him into glass" solution.

Overall, taken on the surface,  the episode isn't that much. It's just them fighting Sandman, and eventually imprisoning him in this rotating prison. What is interesting, though, is the deus-ex-exposition hieroglyphics that Luke and Spider-Man find in Sandman's sand labyrinth, detailing how it's Nick Fury and SHIELD that caught Sandman and dumped him in an island in the middle of nowhere. And, as Fury later admits -- forgot about. No wonder Sandman got crazy! Yeah, while Fury might be nominally on the side of good, the evidence of nasty shit he does is just piling up by the episode, huh? I've seen the episode titles so I know who the final villain of this season is going to be, but it's still not a good look for Fury, especially after the whole Zodiac thing. 

Still, "Snow Day" is a deccent episode. Episode 18, "Damage", where the episode opens with the villainous team, the Wrecking Crew doing the whole "wrecking" thing in the middle of Times Square. 

Also, apparently the superheroes still haven't came up with a name for their little group, with Nova's lame attempt at introducing themselves amounting to "some people to stop a Wrecking Crew". Nope, the SPTSAWC isn't as catchy as Junior Avengers. The battle is destructive as all hell, what with, y'know, the villains being called the Wrecking Crew, although Spider-Man ends up causing a pretty cool (if horrifying) action sequence when he drops a bunch of huge rubble pieces strung together with web. 

Enter: Damage Control, a part of the Marvel universe that I was genuinely unaware of until this very moment. It's apparently a little group (and I think a subsidiary of SHIELD?) that is made up of a bunch of dudes in construction vehicles, equipped with shrink rays, and deal with all the collateral damage caused by all these superheroes and supervillains fucking shit up all the time. (Their logo is a bulldog's face, for... some inexplicable reason)

That's actually pretty clever!

And then Nick Fury, pissed at the SPTSAWC's wanton destruction, ends up assigning them to Damage Control as punishment. And as much as he insists they go "undercover", they also go undercover in costume. And JJJ's mook is allowed to live-record Spider-Man. A huge chunk of the episode ends up with Spider-Man and a shrunken Nova to try and figure out who is working with the Wrecking Crew. Spider-Man noted that when the Wrecking Crew rampaged, they left the bank unmolested, but when they arrive with Damage Control, the building next to it has an entrance to the bank. 

Spider-Man ends up immediately suspecting Mac Porter, leader of Damage Control... with the only real reason being that Mac was the last person to enter the building in question. Then Nick shows up and acts like a dick -- apparently, he never really cared about the whole 'undercover' deal, and doesn't even care to listen to any of the SPTSAWC's explanations about what they were doing. This demoralizes everyone and gets them to abandon the whole chase for the supervillains and focus on cleaning up... which is just bizarre, but okay. I'll buy White Tiger and Iron Fist keeping calm, and Luke's like joined at the hip to Danny. 

Spider-Man ends up investigating Damage Control headquarters on his own, followed by Nova (who... who snuck inside Spider-Man's costume somewhere somehow) and aided by a stealth technology that never comes up before and to my knowledge doesn't come up anywhere else in this season. Kay. It's a bit of a weird sequence of events, honestly, but eventually, Spider-Man and Small Nova end up fighting against the Wrecking Crew on top of the Damage Control building, there's some half-assed moral about not wrecking too much shit, and they win. Spider-Man is exonerated, and becomes best buddies with Mac Porter and Nick Fury again. 

Overall, I like this significantly less than the previous one, which is perhaps a bit more boring, but far more solid. "Damage" feels (and I know I sound like a broken record) like it really should've taken another step in the editing stage. I did enjoy it, though. I guess this is the obligatory Nova-focused episode, since Spider-Man mostly teams up with him? It really feels bland, though, and I genuinely didn't even consider it until writing this final paragraph. Compared to the episodes where White Tiger, Iron Fist, Luke Cage and Nick Fury took the spotlight -- regardless of the qualities of those individual episodes -- they really short-selled Nova into what's essentially a one-note joke, didn't they? Eh. It's not bad, I suppose, other than Nick Fury's bizarre idiocy and his flip-flop on whether he wants the Junior Avengers to look for clues or to just do some community service. 

Reviewing Monsters: The Elder Scrolls V - Skyrim, Part 3 [Dawnguard DLC]

This time around, we're going to be covering Dawnguard, the first expansion for Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Including a bunch of additional areas in the continent of Skyrim, the expansion mostly revolves around two main storylines -- a group of ancient vampire coven called Clan Volkihar and their attempt to blot out the sun by fulfilling an ancient prophecy; as well as the Dragonborn's journey to prevent said prophecy throwing him into discovering a whole lot of backstory and ancient temples where the Falmer once lived.

In addition to new areas, quests, items and the like, Dawnguard also added its share of monsters, which, of course, is the main focus of these articles!
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Vampire Lord

Dawnguard added a bunch of new vampire variations (the Nightlord and Nightmaster Vampires), but the biggest appeal and selling point of the expansion pack is the Vampire Lord. Whereas previous depictions of vampires in Skyrim and previous Elder Scrolls games have basically been glorified regular enemies with some extra properties and powers, Dawnguard allows you to transform to an awesomely horrific, well, monster-vampire! You're less posh, wine-drinking Count Dracula and more Underworld-style vampires at this point.

Relatively quickly through the Dawnguard story's main storyline, you have the option to join one of two factions -- the vampire hunting faction called the Dawnguard, or the psychopathic bunch of vampires that reside in Castle Volkihar. Joining the vampires allows you to transform into a Vampire Lord by casting a spell (similar to how the werewolf system works), with the revelation that all the other vampires you've been fighting in Skyrim all these while are "lesser broods".

And, boy, the Vampire Lord is pretty badass! The model is pretty grotesque, which is kind of unfortunate but pretty appropriate for a demonic form. The desiccated wings, the hunched neck, the corpse-like face and the weird angles that the hands are... it's pretty badass! Throw in the fact that in addition to extra stats and general vampire powers, transforming into a Vampire Lord gives you a bunch of awesome additional powers. Health-draining spells, slowing down time, pulling enemies from a distance with 'vampiric grip', summoning gargoyles, paralyzing enemies, raising corpses... but two particularly badass abilities are "Night Cloak", which surrounds you in a swarm of bats that damage anything around you, and "Mist Form", which just turns you into ethereal mist for a brief period of time. You don't actually get all of these abilities immediately and have to level them up as you feed on people as a vampire lord, but it's pretty darn badass! Dawnguard also adds a similar skill tree for werewolves, but it's a lot less awesome IMO.

Now, my biggest gripe with Dawnguard, though? NO ONE ever turns into a Vampire Lord other than you, or Lord Harkon, the final boss of the DLC. Not Serana (your best friend and daughter of the main villain), not members of the Clan Volkihar should you side with the Dawnguard, and not the random high-level vampires dotting around the land of Skyrim. It's easily one of the biggest misses, I think -- it would be so easy to replace some of the stronger vampire bosses with the Vampire Lord enemy (since they clearly coded it in, what with Lord Harkon being a fightable enemy and all that). It's a huge, huge misstep, honestly.

Overall, definitely a pretty grotesque model and a whole ton of cool powers. I like it!

Gargoyle

One of the abilities granted by becoming a Vampire Lord is the ability to summon Gargoyles. Gargoyles themselves are also found in some Dawnguard-specific dungeons, and like most fantasy Gargoyle monsters, they hide around statues that look like themselves. Interestingly, though, unlike Draugr, they are actually statues and immune to harm until they burst out of the rocks covering their skin.

Gargoyles are... they kind of look somewhat bland, I think, being just snarling demon-men with bat wings, a beast-like maw and goat horns. They really could've done more, although I don't dislike the pretty monstrous look that they ended up with. Gargoyles come in three variants (Gargoyle, Gargoyle Brute and Gargoyle Sentinel), they absorb health while attacking, and they will sometimes attack random cities alongside a group of random vampires -- which really doesn't lend any excuse as to why the Vampire Lord doesn't show up more often.

Death Hound

Another creature associated with the Volkihar clan of ancient vampires are the Death Hounds, which are... vampire dogs, I think? They look so much more monstrous than just a dog with vampirism, though, with glowing red eyes and that insane maw full of teeth. There are two that the Volkihar vampires keep as pets, which is adorable. They basically are just reskinned versions of wolves, albeit with a different set of loot and the addition of frost damage to their standard attacks, but damn, they do look pretty badass as hellhounds! Death Hounds are also the only enemy in this list who I remember encountering a lot outside of Dawnguard's main questline, which I do appreciate a lot!

Husky:

Equally adorable are the huskies wearing Dawnguard armour that hang around with Dawnguard. Like the Death Hound, the Huskies are basically just reskinned wolves, but they are fucking adorable. I love them. They are a whole lot more rare than the Death Hounds, though, only really showing up alongside Dawnguard members, and there are a lot less hostile Dawnguard members compared to hostile vampires. They're still adorable.

Armored Troll

Apparently armoured beasts are a thing that the Dawnguard uses, and huskies aren't the only things they strap armour on! See, some of the advantages of joining the Dawnguard, other than for role-playing purposes, is the ability to use huskies, crossbows... and to hire armored trolls. Which are basically just trolls with armour pieces and huge blades wrapped around their bodies.  They're basically near-identical to normal trolls with slightly higher health. Armored Troll and Armored Frost Troll variants are available depending on your level. I do find the idea of the Dawnguard domesticating trolls as basically attack hounds against vampires to be pretty hilarious. They're ultimately kind of useless in battle, and I kind of wish that there are ways to see these Armored Trolls beyond having to use them as followers, but I am glad that they decided to include this. It's hilarious.

Chaurus Hunter

Here we go! I've previously noted how the Chaurus monsters we've seen in vanilla Skyrim were apparently not an entire representation of the species as a whole, and that the giant centipede-beasts we've seen are apparently just the larval forms of the species. Their true adult form are added in Dawnguard not just into the huge, long underground Falmer dungeons that a significant part of Dawnguard's storyline takes place in, but also to other Falmer/Chaurus locales, which is awesome!

The Chaurus Hunter (or weaker variants, the Chaurus Hunter Fledglings) will burst out from their cocoons, similar to many real-life insects that undergo metamorphosis. This Chaurus Hunter is like a bizarre combination of multiple real-life insects. A creepy dipteran head, giant multi-segmented claws... the Chaurus Hunters basically battle you similarly to regular Chaurus, except for the fact that they zip around a bit faster due to the fact that they fly around. It's still pretty damn cool, though, and the first time I saw one of these it was definitely pretty horrifying to see a giant horse-sized mantis-fly monster burst out of nowhere.

Shellbug

Not exactly a monster, but the Shellbugs are 'harvestable' animals that only appear in a couple of places added by the Dawnguard expansion -- Forgotten Vale Cave and Sharpslope Cave. They basically function similarly to mines, and you mine them for Shellbug Chitin, used to create the Shellbug Helmet -- a relatively useless item -- but I  do like the fact that this utterly bizarre creature exists in the world of Skyrim. It's some sort of bizarre pillbug beetle hybrid with no apparent legs and seemingly just sits there rooted in one spot with its multi-eyed face poking out... a bizarre addition and a fun little Easter Egg for you to encounter.

Feral Falmer, Vampire Falmers & Frozen Chaurus

I'm just going to lump these all together here. Basically, as you travel and get involved in the whole Prophecy of the Sun storyline (whether you side with the Dawnguard or the Volkihar vampires, your objective is still to obtain the plot device) you end up travelling into the Forgotten Vale, a very, very long area where you eventually meet with one of the last living, non-corrupted Falmer, and the only one of the very few who were not transformed into the feral, animalistic troglodytes that the rest of the race were transformed into.

And the Feral Falmer (leftmost) inhabiting a sub-area of Forgotten Vale, the Darkfall Grotto, are basically naked Falmer with an extra 'covered by blood' texture. And... and while the regular Falmer are still pretty 'feral', it does illustrate how much more beastly these are when they don't even have any semblance of primitive civilization that the regular Falmer have.

The Frozen Vampire Falmers are, well, vampiric Falmer who are encased in ice, alongside a bunch of Frozen Chaurus-es. They dot the huge, huge hall of the Inner Sanctum where, like a Zelda boss fight, you walk through these ominous frozen monsters as you walk up to the other surviving Falmer, Arch-Curate Vyrthur. Without going into the specifics of Dawnguard's plot (it'll get too long) he will reveal himself to be a very powerful vampire sorcerer, and bring these Frozen Vampire Falmers and Frozen Chaurus-es to life, which is pretty damn epic for a boss fight. I've noted how vanilla Skyrim's biggest weakness is the lack of actually memorable boss fights (Alduin's ultimately another dragon, after all), but Dawnguard's penultimate boss, Vyrthur, is definitely memorable for the setup and the long reach to meet him and battle his 'adds'. Not bad for what's basically a bunch of reskins! 

Ancient Frost Atronach

Speaking of reskins, Vyrthur is accompanied by this bloke, the Ancient Frost Atronach... who uses a relatively unique body with a more rounded-off head, a paler tone and more prominent eye-holes! It basically functions like a souped-up Frost Atronach, but I did remember seeing this thing for the first time and realizing that, huh, it doesn't just look like a regular Frost Atronach. Not much to say here, but it's cool.

Frost Giant

Making a return from Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, the Frost Giants are... they're definitely interesting! The Frost Giants are found only in the Forgotten Vale, and act like sort of hidden mini-bosses, being found in only five locations, with only five of them existing. While they are the size of (and use the animations of) Giants, they look more like gigantic trolls, what with the horns and the elongated heads. They also have five eyes, in contrast to a troll's three. Ultimately, though, these are definitely pretty interesting variations of normal monsters, and I do kind of wish that they actually did show up a bit more in the rest of the world, because I completely forgot about these guys. 

Vale Sabre Cat & Vale Deer

Not much to say here, but the Forgotten Vale apparently have unique variations of the Sabre Cat and the Deer, with pretty cool neon tattoos. While most of the additional enemy variations that Dawnguard adds tend to just be souped-up recolours, these two are pretty dang neat. 

Boneman

So one of the locations you go through is the Soul Cairn, which is basically a nightmarish, hellish purple landscape where all of the souls that are soul-trapped in Black Soul Gems are sent off to languish for all eternity. The Soul Cairn itself is a pretty damn cool, nightmarish location, with all the purple and all the souls languishing around, confused at being trapped in this bizarre realm.

The main enemies in the Soul Cairn are basically reskinned skeletons that make use of names from an older Elder Scrolls spinoff game, Battlespire, but I do like what they did with the skeletons! Bleaching them blackish-purple, glowing eyes, a faint aura of mist around them... I did say that the Shades from the vanilla game should've appeared more, didn't I? It's a shame that the Bonemen only appear in the Soul Cairn or as summoned minions by you. 

Mistman

Unlike their name suggests, Mistmen are not able to turn into mist. They're basically just reskinned undead mages who use spells. And punch you if they somehow run out of mana. I do love the fact that they just float around without any lower body, though. 

Wrathman

Wrathmen are the strongest of the Soul Cairn undead, and are basically equivalent of Draugr, with armour and wielding higher-leveled weaponry. I do like the contrast of the pretty bulky nordic armour and the skinny-ass bone limbs. Again, not much to say here, but they do make for cool-looking glowing-eyed undead.

Keeper

Dawnguard has a lot of one-off unique boss fights, huh? The Keepers here are part of a very intricate Easter Egg quest that takes place in the pretty large area of the Soul Cairn, and end up being pretty memorable boss fights! Sometime during the storyline, you end up having to destroy a barrier preventing you from meeting up with an ally, and you have to destroy the three boneyard Keepers, who live in their own ruined castles. It's not apparent from these screenshots, but the Keepers are massive, towering creatures easily double the height of an average person, and I really do love how they are just humanoids in armour with a gigantic cloud of black mist covering where their head should be, with nothing but glowing pinpoint-eyes to mark where their heads are. It's that simple detail that ends up making what's essentially another Draugr/Skeleton retexture feel so unique.

Durnehviir

Speaking of unique monsters, after killing the Keepers, you enter this huge arena where you can rescue your friend Serana's mother, Valerica... but not before you fight against this giant, rotting undead dragon! Vanilla Skyrim did have a brief boss fight against a Skeletal Dragon, but Durnehviir here is a fully-fledged undead, rotting dragon. His wings are rotten, and closer examination of his model really shows just how his flesh is truly corpse-like, with strings of cobweb-like flesh above bone.

Unlike most dragons you meet, though, Durnehviir isn't actually evil, he's just tricked by the Ideal Masters, the eldritch abominations that govern the Soul Cairn, into guarding Valerica until she 'dies'... except, y'know, Valerica is an immortal vampire, trapping Durnehviir inside the Soul Cairn for several hundred years, so much that the Soul Cairn's energies warped his body. After you defeat Durnehviir, he reveals that he is unable to be truly killed, but by falling in battle against you, he's been freed of his deal with the Ideal Masters. Tragically, he is unable to live outside of the Soul Cairn... but does lend you his name to be used as a dragon shout.

And when you do use his shout outside of the Soul Cairn, Durnehviir is so delighted to fly the skies of the real world once more, and is just so happy that he teaches you the words for another undead-manipulating shout. Oh, and Durnehviir is one of the few dragons to not just use one of the 'beam' shouts like Unrelenting Force, Fire Breath and Frost Breath, but uses Drain Vitality and a unique shout to him that summons Wrathmen, Mistmen and Bonemen. Pretty neat stuff! I always loved the tragic story behind Durnehviir's fate.

Reaper

The Reaper is yet another unique hidden boss in Dawnguard, and unlocking his fight is... it's pretty damn extensive. You have to collect a bunch of unique fragments in the Soul Cairn, at which point you'll have to bring them to a unique area. The reaper himself is a giant, ghostly thing with an executioner's hood, and a unique ability where he vomits poison on you. The area you fight him in is also pretty memorable, literally a small coliseum with mountains of bones around it. There's really no backstory to Mr. Reaper here, and he's just a bizarre giant undead oddity in the already pretty unsettling Soul Cairn. Pretty interesting boss fight, though!

Revered Dragon

While they ultimately function similarly to most regular dragons, using the same AI and animations, Dawnguard adds two brand-new dragon variants that are more powerful than the Ancient Dragon. Popping up at beyond level 59, Revered Dragons always looked pretty unique to me, with a tapering, broad neck and tail that look far more flat compared to other dragons, sort of like bearded dragons or something.

Two unique revered dragons in the Forgotten Vale, called Naslaarum and Voslaarum, serve as a dual boss fight around halfway through the area, bursting out of a giant frozen lake and fighting you with some unique mechanics that no other dragon in the game ever use -- bursting in and out of the frozen lake, causing you to have to watch out of attacks from above and below. Easily one of the most memorable fights in Skyrim for me, and for some reason these two are quite literally just random dragons in a lake.

Legendary Dragon

The pinncale of dragons, the Legendary Dragon are the mightiest of all the possible dragons that may spawn... and they honestly still really look like most other dragons, other than the unique texturing of their wings, and the curved horns on their head. A closer inspection of their faces would reveal that they actually have compound eyes, which is such an interesting feature on a reptilian-based creature like a dragon! Again, though, it's just such a shame that all the dragons ultimately behave similarly and you fight most of them from a distance. I dunno. They really could've done more with dragons, I think, although the Revered and Legendary variants at least looked pretty different.

Anyway, that's about it for Dawnguard. There are a bunch of additional enemies that are repaints of existing models without any real visual variation, so I'll be skipping those. Next up we're riding to Solstheim for the final Skyrim DLC, Dragonborn!

The Flash S05E16 Review: XSpresso

The Flash, Season 5, Episode 16: Failure is an Orphan

An... an interesting episode, for sure. Honestly, we're 16 episodes into the season and I'm honestly pretty much so tired with Cicada, and I really am thankful that the writers have some semblance of sanity and realize that they're not going to pull another Thinker and stretch a villain with so much material for an entire season. The thing is, honestly, while I'm willing to give any villain a chance, Cicada honestly just easily feels like the shittiest Big Bad in any CW show in that he genuinely never feels entertaining. I want to compare him to Ricardo Diaz as both Cicada and Diaz have always felt like they had an edge over their respective enemies simply because of plot contrivance, but Diaz was at least hammy and entertaining. Cicada just feels like someone trying too hard to sound scary, but ends up being one-dimensional and bland.

After a brief talk with Eobard Thawne in 2049, Nora ends up witnessing a "new timeline struggling to break through", which has the rather hilarious visual of a newspaper report fragmenting and transforming, which is honestly pretty silly. With Eobard warning her to get done with Cicada before this timeline breaks and they lose their chance, Nora returns to the present day (honestly, the fact that Nora can apparently only travel between 2018/2019 and 2049 is always something that bugged me) and begins pestering everyone about metahuman cases and the like.

Meanwhile, Iris wants to get a very overworked Nora to lighten up since it might be the last time they get to spend together (why, though? I mean, Nora's a time-traveler, she can pop around and say hi any time), while Barry works on making a speech to say to Cicada. Some fun little interactions from the charismatic cast, and Nora pulling out random Flash Pep Talks is pretty neat continuity nod. They find the plot device metahuman of the episode, "Acid Master", who probably ties with Sand Demon and Shade as the most bland and uninteresting villain of the week.

Meanwhile, Joe West's B-plot leads him and Cecile to interrogate dr. Vanessa Ambres, the doctor lady curing Cicada, and finally we get a name to her face, despite having being a recurring character for over 10 episodes. This leads to some hijinks as Joe gets intimidated by Cecile's truth-seeking abilities and gets thrown off his game, leading to an argument which, in turn, causes Barry to pep-talk Joe into apologizing. Honestly, this Joe/Barry moment was genuinely very well done, and I really realize how much the show has missed Jesse L. Martin.

Also, speaking of missing actors, Ralph is nowhere to be seen in this episode. Honestly, considering how great Flash has been at just having Cisco or whoever handwave absence, it's pretty weird why Ralph is consistently this character that disappears and reappears between episodes.

Joe and Cecile's investigation and interrogation of dr. Ambres ends up with the revelation that little Grace is also a metahuman, and when they manage to set up a string operation to get Flash to talk to Cicada... he opens his mask (which is kinda dumb, but Barry is dumb) and tries to appeal to Cicada as a father. Cicada wants to have dr. Ambres be present when they administer the cure, and also because they need to stitch up the wound that will reopen once Cicada's powers are nullified. It's... it's honestly a character change that I don't particularly like, but Cicada has honestly been such a one-dimensional character defined by vengeance for his adoptive daughter, that I can definitely buy him going "yeh okay" with all of this. Genuinely wished they had done more, but... eh, okay.

The operation is interrupted by a second Cicada, who the show tries to play up the mystery but is obvious that she's the same person from Grace's dreams. This Cicada seems to have Force-esque people throwing powers, too, so I guess both Cicadas have "random powers as the plot demands" as a similar point. Cicada II kills Ambres, the dagger also responds to her, and she kidnaps Orlin away and reveals herself to be a future Grace Gibbons.

And... okay, that could be cool. I'm not a big fan that the first Cicada is honestly just a bland, boring flat character that basically serves as this origin story accessory for a potentially more interesting second Cicada. And there clearly are a lot of parallels being shoved down our throats, with both Grace and Nora being future daughters that come to the past to engage in this conflict... but it's a fun twist, and hopefully one that's not as bland as original Cicada has been.

DC Easter Eggs Corner:

• Acid Master, a.k.a. Phillip Master, is a minor Superman villain from the golden age, although instead of being a metahuman, the comic-book Acid Master was a treacherous chemist who betrayed the USA to work for other countries. 
• Eobard mentions "Anthro the First Boy" and "Kamandi the Last". Both are characters that received comics in DC before they became exclusively superhero-characters -- with Anthro being a caveman and Kamandi, the Last Boy on Earth, living in a post-apocalyptic flooded world where he is the only human in a Planet of the Apes style world with beast-men being the dominant species, but have basically been canonized in DC canon as being the "first human" and the "last human" respectively, and the two have made multiple cameos over the years in various DC crossover comics. 

Ultimate Spider-Man S01E15-16 Review: Goldfinger

Ultimate Spider-Man, Season 1, Episode 15: For Your Eye Only; Episode 16: Beetle Mania

Episode 15, "For Your Eye Only",  is a fun little love letter to James Bond movies, complete with a little title screen, the whole "James Bond is shooting at you" opener, a scene where Nick Fury is strapped onto a table with a laser coming up towards his crotch, a secretive cabal taking over a government base, an extended sequence showing off wacky gadgets, and even, surprisingly, a teaser for "Dr. Octopussy".

Holy shit, wasn't this aired at Disney? And words like death and kill are censored? But Octopussy isn't? That kind of made my day, actually.

The episode stars Spider-Man almost exclusively, and it's... it's interesting, if repetitive. He arrives at the Helicarrier for some training with Fury, only to find it taken over by Zodiac, this silly terrorist organization where everyone wears an animal mask, led by this dude called Scorpio. After some action scenes and japery, he frees Nick Fury (previously thought dead), fights through the Zodiac goons and takes over the Helicarrier back from them. Oh, and Scorpio is actually revealed to be Nick Fury's brother Max, and that he vows revenge for all the sins that Nick Fury has done to him.

That makes Scoprio the second villain to have personal beef against being betrayed by SHIELD after Taskmaster, and I'm genuinely curious. Are all my complaints about Nick Fury going to prove to be an actual plot point, and Fury's going to be an actual villain (or anti-villain) at the end of this series? We'll see.

The episode itself is overall pretty simplistic. I felt like the whole gadgetry sequence to be a bit too long, and I think it's obvious that it's there to sell some merchandise. But overall, while there's nothing much to praise about this one (Fury is so damn static of a character) it's still a fun romp both from an action and a comedy standpoint. Jokes that worked in this episode: Looney Tunes Spider-Man, "I am Nick Fury", and some (but not all) "this ain't my first rodeo" moments. Jokes that didn't work in this episode: the pass-me-down coffee maker or whatever it is and basically everything after the third "ain't my first rodeo" moments.

Episode 16, "Beetle Mania", is another Mary Jane episode, and it's...  it's okay? After a new supervillain Beetle shows up in New York, J. Jonah Jameson basically taunts Beetle in his usual bombastic way. Except, y'know, Beetle is a straight-up villain that hangs out with MODOK and Dr. Doom every other weekend, and not ultimately a mild-mannered teenager like Spider-Man. So it falls upon Spider-Man and his sidekicks to stop Beetle from murdering Jameson.

But the kicker? MJ is going to get an interview with Jameson at the Daily Bugle in the same day! Not let's not get into a discussion about how utterly unsafe this is, and how technically Mary Jane (and everyone in that building) can sue Jameson to bankruptcy for putting them in harm's way -- while Jameson himself is not actually in the same building as them, as the final scene reveals. The episode not-so-cleverly attempts to hide this, because apparently Jameson's communicating to everyone via Skype or some shit, but hey, let's kind of ignore that.

The actual attempts by Peter and his buddies to stop Mary Jane from getting into the building is kind of hilarious, as much as they really should've just shut down the building and order an evacuation the moment Beetle starts blowing shit up. Mary Jane ends up forfeiting the chance to get the internship... only to... say that she's going to try again next summer? Huh? I'm genuinely not sure. For all of MJ's talk about reforming the Daily Bugle, considering how disgusting Jameson's behaved in this episode, why did she want to consider coming back? And if she's intending to revamp the Bugle, why not just accept the internship position then and there and try to revamp the Bugle as an intern? Honestly, nothing about MJ's character arc really makes sense, and they don't do anything interesting with her character in order to keep the status quo of MJ wanting to become a journalist intact. They could've had her be trapped in a journalist's job where everyone hates her friend Spider-Man. They could've had her get worried about Peter getting injured during the whole Beetle fight. It's genuinely puzzling, but this is basically a rehash of that Hulk episode, as far as MJ's story arc is concerned. She gets thrown into danger, proves herself kind of a survivor, but then refuses to associate with the Bugle while re-affirming her desire to join the Bugle. What?


Hell, even that final bit where MJ rips out the cord of Jameson's television should've been a far more cathartic or triumphant moment if we're going on the mentality of "Mary Jane chooses her friendship with Spider-Man over a lucrative but potentially soul-sucking career" or whatever. But it's not done with any sort of real meaning to it, leading me to just kind of shrug. The whole MJ plot really feels like it should've gone through the editing room a couple more times.

Also, even though they went through all the trouble of hiring J.K. Simmons to reprise his role as JJJ...  it's basically wasted here, isn't it? Jeez. Give the man a bigger role!

Meanwhile, the actual superhero fighting between the Junior Avengers against Beetle is... it's pretty awesome! Beetle himself actually doesn't speak for a vast majority of his scenes (he gets like, one line, I think?), giving him an actually pretty badass coldness that makes him stand out compared to other filler villains in this show. Throw in some genuinely badass robot suit animations that are clearly meant to kill (and would have, if his targets aren't superheroes), and it's actually pretty awesome.

Overall, another one that feels kind of filler-y. Both of these episodes are not particularly horrid in any way, but just kind of mediocre and forgettable.